“Yeah,” he said, “It was tough as a kid growing up and watching you go through days with no energy and a blank look. Sometimes you were a zombie mom.”
You can imagine how my heart sank.
I knew I was working hard to do everything my stay-at-home mother had done when I was growing up, plus work. I knew I was always run down. I knew I got sick every year at the holidays because the extra activities were just more than I could handle. But I had no idea the impact of being a zombie mom was having on my kids. I thought being super-mom was a heroic thing. Now I realize how much I was missing out on by trying to do it all. And how much they were missing out.
I came of age in the era of women’s liberation. We were allowed to have careers for the first time. We weren’t paid as much as our male counterparts and we were still expected to run the house, or in my case, I demanded that I still run the house.
On top of that, I worked in Silicon Valley in the era of FOMO, before it even had a name. The work culture did not recognize the value of being a great parent. Instead, you were judged on how much work you got done and how many hours you worked.
A close friend told me, if you want to climb the ladder, 8 to 5 will never be enough. It’s assumed that you’ll work 8 to 5. It’s only what you do before 8 and after 5 that counts. After I had kids, I got into the routine of going back to my computer after they were in bed and working with the goal of sending out that important email with a 2 a.m. timestamp. It wasn’t hard to do, since I had so much on my plate. The only hard part was staying awake.
My tricks were bright lights and food.
I worked in a fully lit room using harsh blue lights. No soft yellow light for me!
And then there was food. Sadly, mostly snack food. Not all-night, just every time I got really tired. I’d give my system a jolt and trick it into being awake.
When I finally went to bed, it could be hard to get good sleep.
The next morning, which always came too early, I’d be literally hungover from my poor diet and forced wakefulness into the wee hours of the night.
Enter zombie mom.
As I look back on it, I know my work was important, but how I did it was not. I didn’t need to say yes to as many projects. I didn’t need to attend as many networking events. I didn’t need to stay up all night to make sure I made (often self-imposed) deadlines.
What I did need to do, was be present for my children’s only childhood.
I wish I had some really revolutionary things to tell you, but honestly, it’s just this:
I don’t need to tell you how to make good decisions. But I will say, spending at least a little time on a regular basis evaluating what you’re doing is key. Ask yourself, “Is this really important? Is it really how I want to spend my life? Is this how I want my children to remember their childhood?”
We’ve all heard about the importance of a great diet (though we don’t always know what a great diet really is) and exercise. The importance of great sleep is now a part of the conversation, and I for one, am really glad.
Keys to great sleep include:
Our family has a series of photos of me asleep over dinner at restaurants while we are on vacation. I would work very, very hard to get everything (and everyone) ready to go. Often I would not sleep the night before we left. When we finally got out of town, I was exhausted. Now, I’m saddened by those photos.
I know I can’t go back and undo my zombie mom years. I know I’ll never have my kids’ childhoods back. What I can do is take good care of myself now. As my youngest says, “So you can play with the grandkids … in a decade.”