Dear Dr. Greene, My wife and I are seeking visitations with my son who is five years old. We currently can see him for only nine hours a week. In the state of Ohio we must show that it is in the interest of the child to change the visitation schedule. His mother's allegation is that we do not provide a safe environment. My son has never been hurt or injured in any way during the time that we have him. Yet, over the last five years we have documented reports and pictures of contusions; bruises on the face, back, arms and legs; three cases of impetigo; and numerous visits to the doctor for ear and sinus infections (his mother smokes). We have contacted the authorities, but they say that all this is normal. Now my son is showing aggression and an open curiosity about sex. Please help us!

In any divorce there are two hurting people. If there are children involved, that number is increased. No one in the now-broken family escapes without pain. Often children are stuck in the middle.

I am very glad your son has never received any injuries while in your care; however, all of the things you have mentioned that have happened in his mother's home are normal hazards of growing up. It is unhealthy for your child that his mother smokes, but there is no law that protects children from their parents' secondhand cigarette smoke, nor do I think there should be such a law. I do feel strongly that parents who smoke should stop smoking for their own health and the health of their children. If they can't stop, I feel they should take extreme measures to protect their children from smoke exposure. But even if they do not do these things, I still believe that it is more important for a child to be with his parent than to be in a smoke-free environment.

Having said that, I feel very strongly that it is in a child's best interest to be with both parents, if possible, an equal amount of time. I am sorry that this is not your situation. I encourage you to work within the law to try to get as much time with your son as possible. In the short run, however, there are several things you can do to make the time you do have with your son very meaningful.

The first, and most important thing you can do, is to build your son to his mother. In any divorce situation children feel torn between their moms and dads. Any time you say something negative in front of your son about his mother, he feels stress. He loves his mother and he loves you. If he feels that you don't approve of his mother, he will naturally hold back from you. He needs permission from you to love his mother with abandon. Only then will he feel comfortable loving you wholeheartedly.

Another important thing you can do is learn to listen to your son. If he feels you listen to him and understand what he is feeling, he will come to you with the really important things in his life, even if you only get to see him nine hours a week.

The next thing you can do is to make every visit with your son count. Here are some ways you can do that:

• Never, never skip a "date" with your son. If you do have to change the time or day for some valid reason, make sure you talk with your son about the change so he understands that you will be coming, just at a different time. Don't rely on his mother to communicate this information to him -- it might not be communicated in a positive way.
• Never be late for a "date" with your son. It is very important for you to act like he is a priority, not to just say that he is one.
• When you are with him, focus on his needs. If you had your son in your home half the time, I would not recommend this. In that situation it would be important for him to experience a "normal" family setting, but since you only have him for nine hours a week, it is appropriate for you to really pay attention to him during that time.
• Establish family rituals.
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