Temper Tantrums – When to Worry

Temper tantrums can be a normal and common part of early childhood, but sometimes they are a sign of a problem that needs to be addressed.

Parents often ask me whether their child’s tantrums are beyond what is normal. When is a red-faced preschooler screaming and flailing about normal; when is the tantrum a cause for concern? What’s too often? What’s too long? What’s too extreme?

Top Five Reasons to be Concerned about Temper Tantrums

Researchers at Washington University School of Medicine analyzed the tantrums of 279 children from 3 to 6 years old. Their results were published in the Journal of Pediatrics.

They divided tantrum behaviors into aggressive-destructive (kicking others, hitting others, throwing objects, breaking objects), self-injurious (hitting self, head-banging, holding breath, biting self), non-destructive aggression (non-directed kicking, stamping feet, hitting wall), and oral aggression (biting others, spitting on others).

The authors suggest that parents need not worry about isolated or occasional extreme tantrums, especially if the child is hungry, overtired, or ill. Instead, they should pay attention to tantrum styles, the overall pattern of tantrums.

They identified 5 high-risk tantrum styles and suggest that kids over age 3 with any of these deserve further evaluation by a mental health specialist.

The results of the study are preliminary, and by no means proven, but at least give parents and pediatricians a place to start.

Aggressive Temper Tantrums

If a child shows aggression toward a caregiver or tries to destroy toys or other objects during most tantrums, the child may have ADHD, oppositional-defiant disorder, or another disruptive disorder. Specifically, if more than half of a series of 10 or 20 tantrums includes aggression to caregivers and/or objects, consider an evaluation. Depressed children may also have a pattern of aggression.

Self-injurious Tantrums

By the time a child reaches age 3, a pattern of trying to hurt oneself during a tantrum may be a sign of major depression and should be evaluated. At this age tantrums that include behaviors such as scratching oneself till the skin bleeds, head-banging, or biting oneself are red flags no matter how long the episodes last or how often they occur. In this study, they were often associated with a psychiatric diagnosis.

Frequent Tantrums

Tantrums at home are more common than in daycare or school. Having 10 separate tantrums on a single day at home may just be a bad day, but if it happens more than once in a 30 day period, there is a greater risk of a clinical problem. The same goes for more than 5 separate tantrums a day on multiple days at school.

In this study, when tantrums occurred at school, or outside of home or school, more than 5 times a day on multiple days, there was a higher risk of ADHD and other disruptive disorders.

Another study done in 2022 showed that while almost 90% of 3-5 year olds had had a couple of tantrums in the past month, only 4.4% had had tantrums daily for a month.  Keep in mind that daily tantrums may be normal for those toddlers under the age of 3, but the frequency should lessen as they get older. 

Prolonged Tantrums

A normal tantrum in this study averaged about 11 minutes (though I’m sure it seemed a lot longer to parents!). When a child’s typical tantrums last more than 25 minutes each, on average, further evaluation is wise.

Tantrums Requiring External Help

Kids who usually require extra help from a caregiver to recover were at higher risk for ADHD, no matter how frequent the tantrums were or how long they lasted. Speaking calmly to your child in the midst of a tantrum, or acting reassuringly, is normal. But if you find you can’t stop a tantrum without giving in or offering a bribe, pay attention. By age 3, kids should be learning how to calm themselves.

It’s normal for healthy preschool kids to have extreme temper tantrums sometimes, and to lash out at people or things on occasion. Starting to pay attention to tantrum styles and frequency rather than individual outbreaks may help sort out what’s healthy and what’s not, and how to respond.

References and Resources

Beldon, AC, Thomson NR, Luby JL. Temper tantrums in health versus depressed and disruptive preschoolers: defining tantrum behaviors associated with clinical problems. Journal of Pediatrics. 10.1016/j.jpeds.2007.06.030. January 2008.

Van den akker, Alithe L. PhD, et al.  Temper Tantrums in Toddlers and Preschoolers: Longitudinal Associations with Adjustment Problems. Journal of Developmental & Behavioral Pediatrics 2022. 43(7):p 409-417.

Photo credit: Kirin Photography

Dr. Greene is a practicing physician, author, national and international TEDx speaker, and global health advocate. He is a graduate of Princeton University and University of California San Francisco.

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  1. Marilyn

    Hello,
    I have a 5 year old grandson that throws aggressive tantrums several times a day. He hits only the females in the family. He screams loudly when angry for an hour( I timed him). Drops down on floor. He scratches himself. He growls at us. Covers his ears or puts fingers in ears when we try to talk to him. He is fine when is getting what he wants. But tell him no then all hell breaks loose. Please help!

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  2. Allen

    Hi, I have 3 year old son, there was a time that he cried so much and lie on the floor, when he see me in the kitchen. And when I move to living room, he follows me and cried again and lay down on the floor, and when I move again, he will again follow me and cry again and lay down the floor. IK have some questions that need to be answered, because I am worried:

    1. What could be the function of my son’s behavior? ( is this Sensory? or Escape? or Attention? or Tangible?
    2. What does he want? How do I know what does he want?
    3. Can you describe how my sons’ behavior would be different if his behavior had a different function? (Can you choose one of the four functions listed above.) Choose one example.
    Thank you so much for reading this.

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  3. Andrea

    My five year old has almost daily temper tantrums at home. Never at school but always at home. “you didn’t bring home fried rice for dinner” (we never even had a conversation about this) tantrum; I can’t have cupcakes for breakfast? Tantrum. Time to take a nap? Tantrum; go get dressed? Tantrum; I can’t sleep in mom’s room? Tantrum…I tend to ignore him or repeat myself over and over until he gives up but my husband is not so lucky. Any suggestions?

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  4. karen rand

    I hope this is helpful I reaised my grandson who is 25yrs old he still lives with me and almost 3 yrs ago he had a child a boy he is not married and still lives with me his ex girlfriend is basically raising the boy however he stays with me some of the time he is aggressive mean at times refuses to listen and refuses to use the potty like to make in his diaper and wont let anyone change it what can I do to help him become well adjusted

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  5. Jyoti

    Hi,

    My baby is 2.5 years old. We are observing some weird behaviour in afternoon whenever we make her to sleep. She cry, bit uncontrollably. She used to sleep with breast feeding earlier but now her mother is not feeding here. I don’t know why she is behaving like this.

    Could you please suggest me here?

    Thanks

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  6. Fran

    My daughter-in-law slapped her two-year-old son in the mall repeatedly because he screams uncontrollably. My grandson is extremely aggressive has probably 10 to 15 tantrums a day. My daughter in law will do nothing about it other than slap him and that’s usually after she’s warned him 10 times . I was babysitting for them but refuse to any longer as his aggressive behavior is just getting worse and worse and her idea of discipline is to slap him or beat his ass instead of timeout or actually being a parent.

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    • Lenni Doyel

      I’m surprised no one has called child protective services. Have you considered making the call?

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  7. Suzanne Bucknam

    My 2.5 year old has extreme meltdowns, but the doctor suspects they are sensory related. He is extremely intelligent; it’s safe to assume he will test profoundly gifted when we decide to get that done. But he doesn’t understand when he’s hungry. It’s like he feels something other than hunger and will refuse food. This can go on for an hour or longer, just screaming. Any thoughts?

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    • Teresa Ann

      I am experiencing a very similar situation. My son is 3.5, has extreme meltdowns, throws toys and is also extremely intelligent. I have never had him tested though. He doesn’t like eating, refuses meat, only drinks milk (we mix with water a few times a day to get him more fluids), doesn’t care about consequences, rage screams on timeout and won’t listen to anything we say. He refuses to do anything we ask him and won’t accept “no”. I just want to get through to him and help him transition. Before he started these tantrums our house was peaceful, we don’t argue in front of him, yell or anything. I feel like my 1.5 year old daughter is being raised in a war zone now. We want peace again. What should I do?

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  8. Sarya Makki

    Hello,

    i have a daughter who now now 20 months old, she doesn’t have frequent tantrums and might have a tantrum every two weeks, however yesterday she had a tantrum which made me concerned. Her tantrum lasted for over an hour and during the entire time she kept screaming her lungs out, sometimes pulling her tongue out, gasping air and once pulled her hair and hit her hand. I have never experienced such a tantrum. When she normally had it, it would last maximum 10 minutes and she would eventually calm her self down but yesterday all my attempts during the entire hour didn’t calm her down. when her tantrum finished she drank her milk so fast although i am positive she wasn’t very hungry because she ate an hour earlier.
    should i be concerned or is this a normal behavior?

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  9. sarah

    I have a 5 year old son who goes to school full time. The problem im having is at school he will punch, kick bite and throw things he has even damaged school property which resulted in meetings with the head teacher.
    At home he will attack his sister and myself physically and has bit, pinched, thrown things at us. He even managed to grab his sisters scissors as she was cutting he just snatched them out of her hand and threw them across the room and i couldnt get to him quick enough as there was no warning. Luckily they was safety scissors and noone was hurt.
    The school say he hasnt got a problem. Doctors say he may have autism because his speech is delayed but school dont agree.
    I just dont know where to go or who to turn to as school are not supporting me but then they keep ringing me telling me i need to take him gp which i do and need support from school to back my claim up my son has problems.
    Time out only makes my son worse, I have even purchased calming things like sensory lights etc to try and calm him down and nothing is working.

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    • Signe

      My son is 6 and started Kindergarten this year and he started to have some meltdowns. Manly afternoons ,guessing he is tired and may have sensory overload. Did you ever found solutions for it? Thank u

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  10. alicia Rolle

    My daughter has these temper tantrums spells where she will scream at the top of her lungs or swing her body all over the place and she tries to hurt herself, she tries to put stuff in her mouth.
    She will throw and pull anything in her reach, she tries to pull on my arms and legs to prevent me from moving. If she notices I’m trying to get up sometimes she will do all those things to the point she falls asleep. She suffers from migraines and also will upset herself that she causes herself to get a migraine.
    I have been dealing with this for the last 2 years and at one point she was doing fine, but now it seems she has started back going through this phase. I actually think she might suffer from some sort of disorder. The part that confuses me is she only does not at home with me she has good grades and is a good student overall.

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    • Alicia,

      How hard. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

      Two questions:
      In your last sentence — Does she only do this at home? Or she does not do this at home?
      You mention that she stopped for a while — what changed right before she stopped? What changed right before she started again? Think about changes in diet, changes in living situation? A move? A separation? A new baby sitter?

      Again, so sorry you are struggling.
      Best, @MsGreene
      Note: I am the co-founder of DrGreene.com, but I am not Dr. Greene and I am not a doctor. Please keep that in mind when reading my comments and replies.

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  11. Vilasini

    my son is 2 yr old and he makes short and repeated squeals as many times a day everyday. Sometimes it is his way of asking things and sometimes I have no clue why he does that. It makes me disoriented and I shout back not to shout. Though most of the times I try to handle the situation calmly, I have been having lot of difficulty handling this. I’m also equally worried about his physical and mental health. Please advice.

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    • sandra

      I’m not a doctor, but perhaps you could start by telling him he needs to use start using his words, not noises, to let you know what he needs/wants. It should be done every time he asks for help by making noises. It’s entirely possible you’re rewarding that behavior simply by responding to it, let alone providing what he wants using this behavior. I can’t imagine this would be harmful, but of course, you should discuss this with his pediatrician and provide your concerns.

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  12. Amber

    My son is 3 (turned 3 in August) and he has been slowly starting to have tantrums more and more. They do not happen in preschool, but happen at home, and mostly with me (mom). To make matters worse, his father and I separated in September and I moved to an apartment. The home he grew up in also sold in November, and he has a new house with his dad as well. He has started getting really violent (kicking, hitting, pinching) and throwing toys and belongings, banging on the walls, etc. I have tried to stay as calm as possible but I don’t know what to do about it. I have tried giving him loving touch which seems to make him even angrier. He also gets angry when I try to talk about things after he calms down. I don’t know what to do to support him through this rough time for all of us. And I don’t know if I should be concerned about a larger problem, or if this is potentially situational.

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    • Riley

      I’m not a doctor but a preschool teach and one thing preschool age kids struggle with is change thier was another site that i saw change can cause tantrums. I believe what is going on is normall developmentally. He has a lot of changes in a short span, the separation and the 2 new houses. That 3 changes in a short amount of time.
      I saw this comment was posted in December so hopefully its better now (a month later)

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      • Candace Collins

        Not being mean but,as a teacher you should really use spell check.Constructive criticism.

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        • Beeman

          I was just going through this site, and reading about all these poor Mom’s and Dad’s that have to go through this, so I came upon your little remark to the Mom about why don’t you spellcheck, since you being a teacher. ! I just thought that was so rude, when other women are just upset, and probably just typing fast out of frustration. You actually came off as the idiot. And if you are so smart , you would know this, and use common sense and compassion.

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          • Candace collins

            Your absolutely right. I dont recall writing this but, I must have been going through something with my own two year old terror.Thank you for putting me in my place.I apologize.

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  13. Marilyn

    I have a 3year old that I went and picked up across country because my daughter was beat up by her new boyfriend. My grandson kicks the wall, finds chord/strings and puts it around his neck and uses his hand to choke himself. He is always saying, ‘please don’t kill me!’ when he sees we are upset because he is not listening. Yesterday, he woke up and the bed was soaked in sweat. He started telling me about my daughter’s new boyfriend throwing him on the bed and hitting him ‘pow pow.’ I couldn’t go back to sleep because I was crying so much. She lives in New Jersey and I am currently in California. I am in affordable housing, so I do not have the funds for an attorney but as a free consultation, I can not do anything so long as she has a job and a roof over her head for him. This is a 3year old. She doesn’t want to give me temporary custody and I just found out she is back with the guy that beat her. Grandparents do not have rights, and I have called pediatricians to get him seen, but they said that mom has to be the one to take him to the initial appointments. I am unsure as to what my options may be for taking him to get screened on this and possible marijuana exposure. Can anyone please tell me since it is going on three weeks and I am at a loss.
    Thank you

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    • SM

      I’d suggest calling social services and request a well check.

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    • Jennifer Brittain

      I know this was nearly a year ago but I hope things are better for your little grandson. If not don’t give up! You may be his only hope. Do contact social services and don’t take no and keep asking. Also, record him talking about the things that have happened to him and also keep a diary of everything that happens and what he tells you. Also, If your daughter is using drugs she can get on long term birth control and get paid. The organization is called Project Prevention. I only bring this up because you mentioned marijuana exposure. God bless you! And all the other grandparents taking care of the abused little ones.

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      • Marilyn Rivera

        Thank you so much. A year and still in court fighting custody. Emailed/called and have written to Congress, Assemblywoman/man, State Representatives, Mayors, and Senators of both New Jersey and California. Can you believe they keep throwing me back and forth. I am literally going broke and about to lose my car, but my grandson will be worth it. My daughter actually got pregnant in January with the perp’s baby, and still says, ‘who believes a child.’ 
        Well, he is going to counseling, he’s going to school, has received all his shots that were never given, and consistently tells me he doesnt want to go to his mom because the perp is there. She’s went against court orders that the perp cant be around, yet she tried to manipulate her own son telling him he fidnt see anything. Yes, documenting ever, but in the state of New Jersey grandparents dont have any rights and it seems like the Judge has already made up his mind that children belong with their mother. 
        Thank you for replying. It is truly appreciated Warmest Regards,Marilyn
        Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

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        • Brittain Clay

          I would suggest you start a go fund me page. I would gladly give to your cause. Let me know if you do that. My only concern would be the judge looking down on this. Maybe if you did it anonymously. I will never understand why one person – the judge – decides the fate of a little one. Wouldn’t a panel of experts make more sense? God bless you.

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          • Marilyn Rivera

            You are amazing, and I thank you so very much for your response.  I tried the GoFundMe for a month without nothing.  I didn’t seek the monies either, I just asked if they can call the attorney’s office (Lyons and Associate, PC in Somerville, NJ)  and just give so they knew that it was a real cause, but to no avail.  I took it down there was nothing.  

            I just need a way to get a hold of someone that will help me with my grandson, and reforming policies/laws/jurisdiction issues.  I really thought that for my next week’s vacation that I would handcuff myself to the White House fence, to get someone’s attention.  Put yourself in my shoe.  Now that my daughter is pregnant with the perps baby, if my grandson goes to pat the baby’s hair and his finger gets caught, and that is all the perp is walking in on, what will happen to my grandson?  Too many children are losing their lives and all because they are ‘too young to listen to,’ but we ask when there is a change in our children’s behaviors to listen to it.  

            Kayden Mancuso was 7 and said that she was afraid of going with her father, and the Judge saw no violence or aggressiveness against the child, but other adults and said the child should get visitation with dad, and her own father killed her Aniya Day Garrett was only 4 when she asked if she could just stay with her father, but CPS nor the courts listened to her and she turned up dead and the hands of her mother and her boyfriend These stories have gone too far and for too long, someone in DC is not making policies to these tragedies I know you are extremely busy, so there is no need to respond, but thank you for allowing me to vent.  You are truly appreciated.
              
            God Bless You and Yours Always, Marilyn

            If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

            2 Chronicles 7:14

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  14. mommy

    This is the most vague and uneducated article I have read in a while. The evidence is so very skewed and non-reliable. It leaves parents scratching their heads….

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    • sb

      Trust me, if you had a child that fits one of these descriptions, the article does not seem vague and it’s presenting information that has already been scientifically researched.

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    • Candace Collins

      I completely agree. Very well put. Thank you.

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  15. Sara

    I am the caretaker of a 5 year old boy who’s father was killed in a car accident over 2 months ago, he was in the car as well and the first responder said he saw everything. He has daily tantrums (sometimes multiple in a day) whenever anyone asks him to do something he doesn’t want to (brush his teeth, go to bed, eat meals, etc.) or when someone says no to him. His mother just gives in time and time again and refuses to even consider sending him to therapy, when he is clearly in a lot of pain and not expressing in any way other than tantrums. Am i wrong to think shes being neglectful in refusing to seek professional help? I can’t keep watching this kid hurt so badly.

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    • Lori Rustin

      Sounds like she’s likely in a lot of pain herself. I hope they both get the help they need.

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  16. Beth

    I am at my wits end. I have a 3 year old son who throws raging temper tantrums at daycare. He has been going to daycare since he was 6 weeks old (my husband and I both work full time). He was at the same daycare until about 4 months ago. He would have tantrums there but not to this extent. In January, my husband pulled him out of the daycare that he has always been in because “he would get a ‘look’ on his face when he came to the door of his class and the just kind of withdraw when he got in there.” I have to be at work before daycare opens so my husband was always responsible for dropping him off (I never saw this ‘look’). So, my husband pulled him out in January and put him in a new daycare. He was there for 2 weeks and was having such raging tantrums (screaming at the top of his lungs, throwing chairs across the room, dumping out toys, knocking over small book shelves) that he was KICKED OUT OF DAYCARE. We have him in another daycare now and are still having the same problems. ***Side note: We have, in the last 3 weeks, had his tonsils removed because they were almost touching (apparently, this can be like sleep apnea and cause sleep/behavior issues). My husband and I are getting calls from daycare constantly to come pick him up. I think now my son has learned that if he acts crazy like this he can go home, which is what he really wants.

    I have tried everything. Positive reinforcement. Negative reinforcement. Taking things away. Spanking. We have gone to 2 sessions with a child psychologist and are scheduling more. Like I said, we have had his tonsils out. I don’t know what else to do. Any advice, mommas?

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    • natasha

      Have you tried rewarding the good behavior and ignoring the negative? I find that when I give my daughter attention during the tantrum it gets worse, but since ignoring it and telling her “your tantrum is not going to work” then I walk to the other room tantrum then quickly goes away lol.

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    • Karin

      Hi, I feel for you! Is there anyway you could work less hours or go to part time? Obviously this may be impossible but if there’s any way you could cut back hours perhaps this is worth it in the long run…at least you could be there in person for him during this crucial developmental time. This could be part of the tantrums as you mentioned. How is he at home with you? If less work time is not possible I would either go out of my way to meet in person with the staff regularly and establish a relationship and act as a bridge between them and your son so he sees you trust them and even talk about them at home. Or what about a live in nanny? This is so hard, talk to him, hug him when you feel like doing it the least. I have 2 kids under 2 , my 2 year old throws a lot of tantrums I struggle with this as well in our own way.

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      • Karin

        Just to add, I don’t think there is necessarily anything “wrong” with your boy. Of course this is possible, but from what you wrote, he has changed daycare 2x and had tonsils removed, this sounds like a normal possible reaction from a 3 year old. He’s navigating a lot right now. take moments to de-stress for yourself, give lots of love :) i know firsthand it’s hard to not get pulled into worrying and stressing and frustration (as I look I my husbands deeply scratched face from our toddler) but I urge you to look at your “whole ” situation and lifestyle and know that spending quality low stress time together can often be the most therapeutic thing a mother or father can do. Wish you the best.

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  17. hajar

    My son is 3 years old, and has a strong personality, sometimes i feel he is a mini man, he started to go to daycare when he was around 18 months, the kids in his classroom are all around 4 years old and some of them will be 5 years old soon, he doesnt get along with some of them, and when someone pushes him or tries to take things from his hand with force he respond back the same way, i know that they are all kids and that things happend, he learns some bad manners from them but i try to let him stopp doing them without mentioning the name of the kids, because i want him to stop doing the wrong behavor and not accusing other kids, im a single mom and have no one arround to help, so even if i spend good time with him, he has some tantrums that make my days hard, do you think that the fact that he doesnt get along with the kids in the daycare and the age differences is affecting his behavor, especialy that there are some parents who are making their kids behaving bad with my son teeling them that he is misbehaving, his behavor with other kids outside is good and he never act bad or push them especialy when they are younger than him, he loves to share his toys and even food with other kids outside the daycare and he loves animals also, but i feel he gets more angry around the ones at the daycare, not all of them but some boys

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    • Bomi

      Hi, hajar. I’m so sorry to hear your story. I’m a mom of 2 year old son and studying early childhood education. I think your son is getting hard time with other boys. In the battle to possess toys in the childcare, he always would be a loser because he is weaker than them due to his age. In my son’s case, I also have a friend who has a son who is one year older than my son. My son didn’t know how to share yet because he is just 2 years old now, and the 3year old boy is the same. I found that they were keep arguing, and my son became a loser every time so he cried each time. I thought this situation could grow my son’s anger, so I decided to stop doing play-date together until my son and the other boy know about sharing. Even though I’m learning Early Childhood Education, I’m not an expert yet, so my story is not an professional advice. However, as a mom, if your child is continuously getting emotional hurts from peers in the childcare, you strongly talk about it with childcare teacher, so let them prevent this situation, or find other childcare which consists of same age group of children. I hope you can deal with this situation well.

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      • Ouassima IBN SALAH

        Hello Bomi, thank you for your comment, yes actually i spoke to the teachers and they try always to make kids get along together but the main problem we face is some other parents, some of them tell their children that it is ok to hit other kid if he get near, they think that their kid will be stronger acting like this,or it is thr way to defend himself, me and the other teachers and some nice parents try to make kids be nice to each other but somehow the other parents make a bad influence, we decided that when my son starts yo show the bad mood, we have to give him more space to express himself and if its necesary keep him away for a while from the older kids, unfortunatly, the influence of adults it is the main problem,otherwise the kids always get back to each other and love each other, and i guess the decision you made for your son is also good, because sometimes we just have to wait the right time when the kid is ready to share or play with others..thankx again for your kind words.

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  18. Ashley

    Hi
    I’m a mother of 4 beautiful children my oldest boy is a high functioning autistic I am use to outrageous tantrums for him but my 3 almost 4 year old son is exhibiting extreme highs and lows when he’s happy he is everywhere I’ll use the word ecstatic for his highs and for his lows he is extremely aggressive to the point of injuring myself and those around him and himself to the point I have to restrain him to prevent further harm. It seems the smallest thing can trigger him such as a dropped cookie at snack time . his tantrums last up to 2-3 hours and happen multiple times a week sometimes multiple times a week. I have tried talking it out letting him tell me how he feels or why he feels that way I have tried rewarding good behaviours I have tried to notice warning signs as to be able to divert him from his tantrums and I am at my wits end I am physically and emotionally exhausted . on top of dealing with his behavioral health I am struggling with my own mental disorders and just don’t know what to do any more. I do a lot of it on my own as his dad is always at work or school . HELP!!!

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    • Holly

      Hi Ashley, my 3 year old is low on the spectrum and exhibits many of the same behaviors you state. Something drops, and he yells until I pick it up. Today I told him he had to take one bite of salami then he’d get the cookie he wanted. “First this then that” method only causes a tantrum that lasts until I either give in, or he falls asleep from exhaustion. Today he screamed for three hours straight. He kicked, hit, pulled my hair, and tried to rip my shirt. He is relentless, but I’ve decided to stop giving him his way because it only made his demands stronger. DH came home early to help me, but has a 90 min drive on a good day. Like you, I’m alone all day. DH leaves at 5 am and returns around 8 pm. The EI therapists all gave me the same repetitive techniques about time outs in a tent with favorite toys, telling him to use his words (real effective while he’s screaming bloody murder), or just ignoring it. None of it works. He ultimately shoves me, yanks my hair, or throws things when I stand firm with discipline. I’m not a yeller, and remain calm most of the time. However when he throws things or attacks me, I lose it. I put him in pre k as soon as he turned 3, and in some ways the behavior has worsened. He’s in a special needs class where I fear him picking up more bad behaviors. His teacher cannot offer me any advice on how to handle these extreme tantrums. If so called special ed experts cannot offer anything but text book advice, then what does a frustrated parent do? I’m hoping his developmental pediatrician can offer some insight. I feel very isolated and trapped at home. Simple, short outings to the store turn into a battle, starting with strapping him into the car seat. I can’t talk to anyone about it without being told I’m either “too nice to him” or “that boy isn’t autistic! He’s just stubborn and needs more discipline!” Or worst of all “oh, my kids all behave. I’m lucky I didn’t go through that.” He does not listen to most simple instructions and responds to any technique for discipline with aggression and yelling. I’m at my wits end. Prayers to you, and for all parents in this situation to eventually find a technique that works for each child. “Hugs”

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      • Buna

        Hello I get you mom I am in this too with three kids two boys 7 and 5 ,my girl two. The 5 most dropping tantrum and the 7 some times, that all make my day stressful , i tried all you mentioned all doesn’t work i am single mom with no help almost my day goes with out plan following my children tantrum , specially with there homework ,

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        • Holly

          Hats off to all the single parents handling this alone. I’m trying out different techniques at home and will post if I e had any success. It seems the best way to have a block of time alone is to let him watch letters, shapes and numbers videos on YouTube. I didn’t want to be that mom….but sometimes we need a short break to eat, shower, etc. Hugs

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      • Dana

        My son at 5 years old was just diagnosed with Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder and ADHD. He was given Clonidine and Risperdal and got extremely tired and grew extremely angry. When I told the nurse (at the outpatient hospital) and she told the psychiatrist, he changed his medication to Abilify. The Abilify is helping a lot. I am also working on getting him tested for autism to make sure that’s not the problem. He couldn’t take the Ritalin for ADHD because it is made with gluten or wheat protein.

        My son at 15 months old started throwing things at people and animals and I could never get him to stop. He is a sweet child but has always thrown huge tantrums, started spitting, biting, pulling hair. He is very dependent on me. He fights everything I do for him, like getting him to brush his teeth, get ready for bed, getting his nails clipped and hair washed especially.

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      • Mommas512487

        Just now reading your post. Would love to know if things have gotten better with your son and if so, what worked? I am going through something similar with my 3 year old son. Short outings out with his friends even are a becoming a nightmare. I have to offer bribes to even get him in the car seat or else its a physical battle. Then getting there…if its a swim lesson or we got to the little gym it’s a battle because he wants to sit outside and play with toys. He’s fine once he gets in there and the lessons start but will make an absolute scene until he is there. The tantrums at home are over things as small as me washing his bedding. I’m calm…I’m not calm, I give incentives, I give punishments, I take away privileges….nothing works.

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  19. Margaret T.

    I have a 5 year old that will be 6 in December. He’s an intelligent fun loving little boy, but when things don’t go his way all hell breaks loose. My husband I have tried many reward behavior methods, but they only worked for very short times. My son loves eating out, but I do not want to always reward him with food. The majority of the time his behavior at school results in a RED for the day which is the worst. School has been in for 10 weeks and his teacher has called me at least 4 times. He doesn’t have ADHD/ADD. He knows what he’s doing and knows right from wrong. He knows that he has to follow the rules and chooses not to because he doesn’t want to. We don’t know what else to do! He’s given positive reinforcement as well as consequences for wrong behavior. Any suggestion at this point will be helpful and appreciated.

    Added:
    • Liz

      I’m not an expert, but I am the mother of 5 children. My oldest is now 13. I’ve had a few difficult children, including one with autism and one with OCD/Anxiety. I looked at this site because I have a 3 year old who has some epic tantrums. Pray for me. ;-)
      When I saw your post I really felt compelled to respond because of some similarities we went through with one of our children. I remember expressing frustration to a therapist about our son’s interactions with others (sounds a bit like your son). I told her that I was particularly frustrated because we had taught him right from wrong and I knew he knew better. She stopped me right there and said, “that’s a lot to assume about a young child. To put all of that responsibility on him is not fair.” At the time, I thought she was crazy, but have since learned that he had struggles I never realized or understood. My advice to you is to get a mental health evaluation by a health care professional (not one at your school). If you receive a diagnosis, get help from someone who specializes in that disorder/illness. It will be worth it. Good luck! P.S. mental health professionals are notoriously hard to get into. Get on waiting lists and be patient, but persistent! Only you can advocate for your child.

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  20. Jennifer

    My son turned 4 in August and I am very concerned about his behaviors. He is very intelligent and can almost carry on conversation like an adult. He doesn’t like being around other kids much and is very introverted. He gets very angry and sometimes claws at his face. He has told me that he wants to hurt himself. I am terrified because I have Borderline Personality Disorder and my first self inflicted injury was at 6 years old. My son is exactly like me seemingly in every way. I’m so affraid he will suffer as I have. Do I take him to a Dr or am I being overly paranoid like my husband says?

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    • Kathryn

      I understand your distress as this would be an upsetting situation for a parent. From working in a youth mental health centre my advice would be to talk to your doctor, you may not be seen by a specialist but it is worth talking about your concerns. Regardless of that, it is also important how you talk to your son about what is happening. “I see you’re feeling very angry, does that make you want to hurt yourself? Mummy won’t let you do that but lets find other things that help…” Be open and non-judgemental, giving him space to talk and learn new ways of managing intense emotions. Also consider how your own emotional responses may be impacting him, in terms of social modelling. Perhaps get help for yourself around this. BPD affects the way you regulate emotions and your interpersonal relationships, but it is of course possible to develop insight and strategies around this as you may have done already. Hard to be more specific on a page like this. All the best, clearly you care a lot about your son.

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  21. Helen Norman

    Hi.
    I am in desperate need of advice. My 6 year old son throws terrible temper tantrums if he cannot get his own way, and is very destructive in the way he behaves. He will shout kick, hit and scream. I have taken him to a pediatrician who did not assess him, but was very willing to give me the script to take Ritalin. I have since taken him to a psychiatrist who was more willing to listen to and pay some attention to my son. He gave forms for the teachers to fill in and will need to go back to see him once the forms have been filled in. It appears when I have spoken to the teachers that he seems to show some symptoms of ADHD, but not all.
    I feel that he is not a case of ADHD, but rather has frustration and underlying anger. I do not want him to go onto Ritalin; no matter what everyone says regarding side effects and long term use. There have been many stories about children getting successful results on the medicine, but at the same time there are just as many stories about the negative side effects. My son is going to attend play therapy to see if we can get to the bottom of the anger and tantrums. Is there any there medical syndromes, mental conditions, etc that I could research in this area?
    Thank you
    Kind regards
    Helen Norman

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    • Amy

      Hi Helen, wow, you’re already doing a lot, the psychiatrist, the play therapy and the feedback from teachers. As you can see in the post below, my son goes through some terrible tantrums too, but I would stay away from any medicine and tags such as ADHD, especially when your instinct tells you to. How much do teachers know about this and how qualified and specialized are they in the area?
      What I’ve been trying to figure out about my son’s tantrums is the cause. Lately is seems it’s either not getting his way or changes in his routine, such as spending less time with me or his dad. I also hope to find the answer but so far I’ve discarded the following:
      1. Leaving my son on his own, as he can break things and even hurt himself
      2. Holding him, as it makes it worse
      3. Talking or reacting, as it makes it worse too

      What triggers your kid’s tantrums?
      Amy

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    • Olga

      Hi Helen,

      You are doing a wonderful job trying to find the cause of your son’s bad behaviour. And it’s to bad the pediatrician wasn’t more attentive. I wonder if he ever suggested to you to check your son’s Blood Glucose?
      My 5 years old was acting much like what you are described about your son and then some. It turned out he has Type 1 Diabetes and what was making him act out and throw tantrums was elevated Blood Glucose. He’s much better behaved now, that we started controling his blood sugar levels with insulin. I sure hope your son doesn’t have Diabetes, but I think it’s worth to check his sugar.

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  22. mommy

    I taught my daughter deep breathing, and she comes to me and asks me to help her breath to calm down almost every tantrum. I wonder if this falls into the last category of needing external help. She really can’t do the deep breathing all by herself- she needs me to breath with her. But, it is internally motivated that she willingly comes to me to ask me to help breath with her. Should I be concerned?

    Added:
    • Mommy,

      I think it’s fantastic that she recognizes she needs help and asks you to help her. Of course, the goal is that she can do this on her own so she can be in control when you’re not around. Perhaps you could help her get to that point by shortening the time you work with her each episode. In the meantime, good work on your part helping her find a way to master what can be a very difficult time.

      Best, @MsGreene
      Note: I am the co-founder of DrGreene.com, but I am not Dr. Greene and I am not a doctor. Please keep that in mind when reading my comments and replies.

      Added:
      • mommy

        Thank you! Any tips for how to shorten that time? She never seems ready if I pull away sooner… It can re-escalate her if she doesn’t get all the time she needs to calm down with me.

        Added:
  23. Krystal

    I am at my absolute wits end. My son is six years old in two weeks, only child, I’m a single parent and the only parent in the picture since infancy. I am the Director of an ECE program, and have always been as understanding and patient as I can be of how my child copes with loss – and of his difficulties communicating because he also had a speech delay. (He no longer has the speech barrier, as I sought out help early and hes right on track.)

    The fits started at five.

    Words cannot explain the pain, confusion, and frustration I feel now.

    I just want to help him. If he does not get his exact way; he will hit, kick, bite, punch, slap me… And he’s a big child for his age, it really hurts when he hits me. I have bruises all over my legs from being kicked. But that’s a good tantrum, that’s best case scenario. Worst case scenario? My child will accompany me to work when hes out of school, if he throws a fit there I can expect to have chairs thrown at me. He’ll throw books, he’ll slam doors… and then there’s the high pitched screaming “I HATE YOU”. He does this at home too, except for the chair throwing – the chairs at home are too heavy and large to chuck at me. Trying to alleviate the fit I’ll set out some books in a quiet space or in my comfy desk chair and try to give him space. That worked once for maybe five minutes, now he just completely trashes whatever area I send him to. My desk? Every single pen, piece of paper, EVERYTHING will be thrown at me. Quiet reading area? (Area with soft pillows, large soft mats, a bookshelf, felt stories and story board, and books.) He will literally throw everything. Everything.

    He started biting again on Monday during a particularly fun fit. I asked him to wait his turn to line up for a snack – he responded by full on attacking me and swinging at me. I tried to hug him to immobilize him and hopefully calm him down, he responded by twisting around and biting me as hard as he could four times.

    He’s started getting insanely jealous – I can’t go anywhere public without him losing it if I even coo at a cute baby in another persons cart. He’s started lying to authority figures, such as myself, also people like doctors. “My mommy doesn’t let me brush my teeth.” Is one of the new fun ones. “I have skin bugs and mommy doesn’t believe me or take me to the doctor.” He has no skin bugs, I took him to the doctor twice. He has eczema which I’ve treated since he was an infant. He slaps me when I put on his lotion or screams at me until I give up and walk away, so yeah, he’s itchy. Ditto to the toothbrushing. I’ll ask him to brush his teeth, and he told me no. I push it and he’ll scream at the top of his lungs for thirty minutes.

    I cut him off from technology. I cut him off from having friends or family visit if he throws a fit. I try to offer good incentives – he wants a cat, so I told him he has to have some time without any fits first, because kittens get scared easy and he needs to be able to help care for it too. Nothing motivates him. Nothing helps.

    Tonight, I was organizing his toys after a play date, I asked him to brush his teeth while I put away the toys, he refuses. I told him to go to bed if he wasn’t going to brush his teeth. He refuses and starts to argue with me that he needs tv time. I say, “Ok, no treats tomorrow when we go to the store, if you wont brush your teeth, you can’t have sweets because the sugar bugs will give you cavities.” Ensue him arguing and another screaming fit. So I pick him up, put him in bed, continue my cleanup. He starts his high-pitched screaming again… And I lost it. I slapped him. I can’t take it anymore. Hate me and judge me, please, if you would like to spend a day dealing with nonstop screaming fits from a six year old that’s almost taller than you and already is stronger than you… and you can do better… be my guest.

    I feel terrible, but I am getting to a point where I think I’m losing my mind. He’s usually okay with other people, but with me, every time he doesn’t get his way, he argues endlessly and will literally attack me. I’ve done everything I can do, professionally, and as a parent. I can’t swat him on his buns because he will just look back at me and scream louder. Consequences don’t work, he won’t respect boundaries and stay in his bed, taking things away provokes him to follow me around and scream at the top of my lungs that he is taking things away from me.

    I am tearing my hair out. I feel like this is all my fault. The guilt is eating me alive. I don’t want to take my son to a doctor that will tell me to ignore the fit – it’s pretty hard to ignore having a chair chucked at your head (and hitting you if you don’t dodge quick enough). I don’t want a doctor to drug him until he isn’t the same person anymore. I don’t believe in corporal punishment, it doesn’t work, and it makes me feel like a crappy parent. My child is literally leaving bruises and marks on me – and there is absolutely no way to calm him down. I don’t know what to do anymore. Please help me…

    Added:
    • Maggie

      You’re not alone. My 5.5yo daughter has MANY of the same behaviors you described. It’s unbearably frustrating and embarrassing and depressing. I have a 7mo at home, too so things have really escalated. I have to restrain her to keep her from hurting me and destroying the house. Though she is a perfect angel at school, with other friends – but with me she is out of control. I can’t ignore her because she will hurt something. I can’t walk away because she follows me and unlocks doors. It’s a living nightmare. My husband is deployed and she’s really not dealing well. We are scheduled to see a counselor soon. I’m hoping for some guidance then.

      Your son may well require counseling and medical intervention. I’m at the point where anything can help. I’m with you in spirit and solidarity. I hope you find some help, soon.

      I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this

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    • Shirley

      WOW! I can’t imagine living like this. I raise 5 sons and at one time a single parent. Stop the understanding is my advice. Your the grown up he is the kid. You tell him your the mom he is the child. You don’t hit me. Stop now! Your not going to get everything you want. He screams you have really big voice. I can hear you. What does he do all day. Structure his day and ignore some of his behaviors. Be consistent with structure. This may sound easy. Take some self defense classes and learn deflection tactics. When his hand goes up to hit you you stop it. Say NO in a firm voice. I won’t let you hurt me. Give him a pillow to hit. You can hit the pillow not me. Follow through on direction. I’m sorry you didn’t get what you want I can’t always give it to you. He is old enough to be in a sport where he can work off some of that energy.
      Have you ever read parent effectiveness training.,Listing and communications skills. i listen to these stories and I’m in awe. Follow through on what he is to do. You should be enjoying this child. Boys can be lots of fun. Does he help you cook, play games make cookies , play board games laugh take walks hick a ball around,eat pop corn and watch movies There can’t be much fun in your home. Find something good about him and that he is good at and recognize it. I don’t think change can be easy.

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      • Rachael

        Hahaha no disrespect, but your post made me literally laugh out loud. You sound just like the parent you are — the lucky parent of “normal” kids. You are in absolutely no position to give advice to any of the stressed, heartbroken, beleaguered, and searching for good advice parents here. I was a parent educator for years and I shudder to think this is what I sounded like before I had experience. Or children that were anything but “normal” or maybe a little bit rambunctious. 16 years later, now I have a four year old that is making me question getting her evaluated, and I face a brand new reality. Days where I question my sanity….and as the days roll into weeks, I have terrifying little thoughts where I question hers. :( This is not even on the same planet a little “daily structure” will fix, or “laying down of the law.” These are real, complex, scary, and daily problems. Out of the realm of normal. But — anyway, thank you for your advice.

        Added:
        • Terry (Teresa)

          Rachel, I am an early childhood educator of toddlers and raised 2 children on the spectrum. Get the book, “Raising your Spirited Child”. It will give you tips for handling the behaviors. Start giving your child a choice of two actions or items. He will be distracted and have some control. The book will give you ideas for calming activities. Water play is your friend. Use the terms “Stop”. You are flooded”. This is from the book. It will give you the terms to teach your child to identify when they are getting anxious, etc. They will grow with it. Try to spend time outside with your kids, with lots of exercise. I came to this website as I have a toddler that overturns chairs, etc. Make the consequence immediate or pull the child out of the activity BEFORE it is triggered.

          Good luck. Many prayers. The book will give you lots of strategies to improve your parenting skills. You will say to yourself, “ok that didn’t work, how about x?” Try to enjoy your child.

          Added:
      • A Purple Child Mum

        Hi,
        I have a 4 year old daughter. Youngest of her brothers. I used to think like you. “Lay the laws down,” “I am the mother you are the child,” If she screams, I would be very firm with her. It has become extremely frustrating and I ran out of physical and mental energy. I had to come to a realization that my daughter was different from her brothers. She threw non stop tantrum and walking away to make her stop seemed to be fuel for her fire. I stopped taking her out in public. I put her in extra curriculum activities in hope that she will get rid of some of that energy…another disaster plan and wasted money. She was defiant to the instructors which of course made me look like a bad parent or a parent who did not know how to discipline her child. I used to think her behavior was because she was spoiled after all she was the youngest of four brothers. Ha! Her older brothers are now baffled at her behavior and her teenage brothers made a mental health provider suggestion. They said out loud what I was thinking, “This is not normal.”

        Bottomline: This is not a parenting style, the child is not spoiled, or any other “we are bad parents” situation. Our children need to be evaluated to see what has trigger the behavior. We need to know could it be genetics? Could it be age related pregnancy? Maybe it is the food our children are eating (especially with GMO’s on the rampage)? The next time you see an out of control child, rather than criticizing, ask if help is needed. Both parent and child need to calm down. A helping hand and caring heart speaks volume. A disgust look and criticism may put us into a depression. My daughter wears a purple ribbon so people understand she is special and does not know how to control her emotions.

        Have a wonderful and blessed life. I know you did not mean harm with your post. I think you were in need of some understanding of what we are going through.

        Added:
    • Mel

      I also have a 5 year old Grandson who lives with me. I am 56 years old and I am doing everything I can to take care of him. He does the exact same things to me that your son does to you. He was suspended from Kindergarten this past week for 3 days for having a melt down at school and throwing chairs at students and the substitute teacher in the classroom, as well as throwing crayons and hitting another student in the ear and trying to hit students with other items that were thrown. When the assistant principle went to try and calm him down, he had to physically pick my grandson up and carry him to the front office, with my grandson kicking and hitting the whole way to the front office. I was called to come and pick my grandson up. When we got home, my grandson threw a big hard plastic object at my head which hit me in the eye, knocked my glasses off and caused my eye area to swell and hurt. The next day, he head butted me in the face and my nose has now been bleeding for 3 days and my teeth are hurting and my soft pallet hurts and my face hurts. I have been debating going to the emergency room to see if my face is broken or what is wrong with my face now…….My grandson started having episodes around 2 years old……He was abused by his biological father and my daughter got custody with her court paperwork showing she got ~365~ days a year with her son and her husband she was divorcing got ~0~ days. My daughter has now not had a job in right at 2 years and 6 months ago my grandson came to live with me, with my daughter give me power of attorney showing that my grandson is now living with me…..The first thing I did was add my grandson onto my foodstamps and sign him up for insurance. Getting his insurance changed from the state he was in to my state, took my contacting the insurance company here in my state as well as in his state and not giving up on getting this done……..The insurance company in my state would not give him insurance until the insurance in his state was cancelled and the insurance company in his state would not cancel his insurance just because I had a notarized letter from his mother that he was now living with me. It took several months of 3 and 4 phone calls and sending faxes every day to the insurance company in both states…….The insurance company was the same company just in 2 different states so it took a lot to get him on the same insurance, just in my state…….so that was finally accomplished. As soon as I got that done, I scheduled him an appointment with a Neurologist who deals with children’s issues. I then scheduled him an appointment with a primary care physician that I had done some research on, that had gotten high scores from other parents whose children saw this physician. It took 3 weeks to get in with the primary care physician and 4 weeks to get in with the Neurologist, so this saved me a lot of time and not having to wait longer to get in with the Neurologist. I let the primary care physician know that I had already scheduled a Neurologist appointment and the name and address of the Neurologist and she did a referral over to them for me as she stated my grandson did need to be seen by a Neurologist and the one I had chosen (based on online research late at night after my grandson went to bed), was and is a wonderful Neurologist and highly sought after……..So, we go for our Neurologist appointment, and my grandson was his normal hyperactive self….jumping all over the place, climbing on everything, etc……It is exhausting, he has an excessive amount of energy and he does not sleep during the day or at night, he is very aggressive both at home and at school, he has to have everything the same at all times…..from getting up at the exact time to eating at the exact time…..to eating the exact same thing every day (and it gets hard to eat spinach pizza every night for supper, every day 7 days a week). The only thing that is not the exact same every day is going to bed time, because he has a very hard time going to sleep. Some nights, I go to sleep and he is still awake lying in the bed wide awake. He refuses to sleep without me beside him in the bed, and he has to have his hand on my face and one of his legs over one of my legs. When he finally does go to sleep, if I move at all, he is wide awake and talking to me, asking me where am I going. I honestly think he is scared I am going to leave him. I know he missed his mommy because he tells me he does, but he also tells me that he loves his mommy but that he also loves me and he does not want to live with his mommy because she is nasty and her house is always nasty, but he does not want to hurt her feelings when she tells him she wants to get him back after she gets a job.

      My grandson’s Neurologist started him out on Adderall and it made him 4 times more aggressive. He was suspended from Kindergarten and was made an emergency appointment with his Neurologist. His medication was changed to Ritalin and he is doing much better, although he still gets aggressive (as shown by the hitting me in the eye and the head butting my face this past week), but he is much, much better than before. He is scheduled for psychometric testing in January as that was their soonest appointment for the testing. I have also scheduled for my grandson and I to go to a behavioral therapy program which will help both of us learn how to deal with stress and how to deal with his behavior issues and what ever else may be wrong with him. I know there are some mental health issues with my grandson. I don’t know what those issues are yet, but I want to be ready for both him and myself both, to deal with his issues.

      This has been a struggle for both me and my grandson. I am scared of him on occasion as it seems like he is not himself and almost as though he is someone else completely when he is angry. His face changes and his eyes half close and he looks under his half closed eyelids and his voice changes……Remember, this is a small, skinny, 5 year old…….Nothing stops his behavior…….I used to spank him…..that did not work and made his behavior worse…..I tried time out…..that did not work and no matter how many times he is put back in time out he would get out (3 hours of physically putting him back in the chair every 2 minutes was all I could handle)…….taking things away do not work (if you take something of his, he will break something of yours)……I try to find ways to keep him calm, as I get horrible migraines with the tantrums/meltdowns he has…….He scratches me, he hits me, he makes me bleed, I will wake up to him having a plastic sword or a plastic toy that is sharp and him trying to cut my throat with it when he gets mad.

      I know what you are going through and you are not alone in this……I feel like I am living in a nightmare. I am hoping that whatever is wrong with my grandson can be found and together we can work on making my home a place that is calm and safe.

      Added:
  24. Kyra

    2 Year old son likes to bang his head off of everything even paivment he doesnt even have to be angry he also wakes up 2-3 times a night screaming and bannging his head what does this mean?

    Added:
    • Mel

      Hi Kyra, I know you sent this message a while ago. I hope your son is getting better. Has pain been excluded as a cause? As that was my first thought when I read your post. My son is on the autistic spectrum and whenever he is ill, even now at 16 and fully communicative, he can not really identify himself that he feels unwell, as he seems to lack the self-awareness. I don’t know if this is the same for all 2 year olds, but just my experience.

      Added:
  25. Junior

    4 year old is constantly worried about looking pretty. Frequently putting on make up and changing clothes till she is ok with how she looks. Also after every meal asks if her belly looks too fat. Is this normal?

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    • Michelle M Mazon

      I don’t think that kids that young should be concerned or even aware of body image. Maybe ask around some more. That is just my opinion.

      Added:
    • Nicole

      This is something she is mimicking. Might be on TV might be mother, Aunt, siblings, siblings friends ECT. But this is learned.

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  26. Grey

    Hi. I have a daughter who turned 2 last week. She was a calm and quiet little girl who rarely cry and seemed to have high pain tolerance. However, she became ill a week before her second birthday and everything changed after her recovery. She became edgy and throws tantrum about literally everything. She hates it if someone tries to talk to her or offer her anything. She throws objects and kick and cries and she wont stop unless you hold and carry her. I’m really worried about her and i missed the nice little girl she was.

    Added:
    • Sylvia White

      I’m sorry for this. Has the little girl recently had any vaccines Pryor to her 2nd birthday?
      I don’t like any vaccines, they are very bad.
      You may disagree that’s ok, just think when she had her last shot!

      Sylvia

      Added:
    • Stacey

      Talk to your pediatrician about PANS/PANDAS. It’s a behavioral symptom to an infection following an illness.

      Added:
  27. Lisa

    Hello, I have a 2 1/2 year old , she was our foster daughter that we adopted in February. She throws tantrums sometimes I know what is upsetting and other times have no idea what triggered her to get upset. Some of her tantrums have lasted 25 minutes, but I would guess they average 10 minutes. She stiffness up her body if you try to pick her up , she at times bites her self or an object. How do you know when these are typical toddler tantrums or if there is an underlying issue. I know there is mental health diagnosis in her bio family and she has been moved a lot between her mom and foster care system for all of her life. When do I seek medical attention ?

    Added:
    • Lenni Doyel

      Adoption is a wonderful gift. This little girl is very lucky she found you.

      My ex-husband was adopted. His adopted parents were very loving. He had issues (thus ex-husband) that he couldn’t work through as an adult. I’d say, even if these are just normal two-year-old fits, it’s smart to get counseling. Pediatric therapists are trained to draw deep feelings out of kids. That way you’d at least know.

      Added:
      • Delores

        It feels like my child 20 years ago. Love love love and a good physchiatric pediatrician. Mine was suffering from sexual abuse. He was so scared to go anywhere, be around anyone that he couldn’t stop. The internet wasn’t as prominent as it is now, but he was suffering from extreme PTSD as well as a separate diagnosis of ADHD, and severe depression. I failed 100% to help him. By the time I realized what was going on he was frozen in a world of fear, anxiety, depression and all the terrible symptoms that went with it. I took it to courts the courts failed him, the assigned GAL and WISE PERSON failed him the judge failed him. All because the family member abusing him was the Acting Deputy Director of CYFD. Pay attention moms and dads, these babies needs lots of Care therapy and exceptional professional services. My child has been in therapy since the age of two and is now 22 he suffers so badly that I am so worried. What is worse is that he lives with this monster that abused him and is triggered time and time again. He has no place else to go. I totally melted down and ended up on long term disability with work as the abuse to my son never stopped. The COURT ORDERED Psychiatrist said over and over something is terribly wrong with this child and even after concluding that the Phoenix testing revealed all the abuses that are written from a-z refused to insist on only supervised visitation. My son to this day can’t go out in public and is so ill mentally and physically he can’t work, be active with peers or anything. Because of income I can’t get him out of the darned situation, his therapist is helping ( finally a good one) but even she states she can’t get to the core of everything till he is out of there.

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  28. Connie Thompson

    I have an 8 year old girl that just started about 3 months ago with aggressive tantrums that get physical. Screams hits kicks name calling. Nothing seems to calm her down. If you ignore it it gets worse. She is seeing a doctor now and all she wants to do is talk. Any advice?

    Added:
  29. parentsupporthub.com

    Like us, kids also need to get their anger out and as a parent, you need to ensure that they vent in a non-destructive way. The next time your child is crying or whining, get them engaged in something interesting so he or she completely forgets about the meltdown. Interestingly, kids have pretty short attention spans and their minds are easiest to divert. So the next time your child wants to buy every toy at the supermarket and become a ticking time bomb, try something to quickly switch gears and say “hey, can you help me pick a flavor for ice cream?”

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  30. claire clark

    my daughter was 4 in December, and started a new nursery in sept last year, since Christmas she has started to had awful tantrums at nursery, hitting the teachers, chucking chairs, and toys, so much so the teachers tell me they have to send the other children into the other room for there own safty, I’m shocked because she has never done this at home, not like this never hits out or even chucks thing, don’t get me wrong she has had her moments of trying to get her own way, but still this is becoming a every day thing at nursery, iv had meetings, and now the dep head is getting involde, they are keeping a diary and trying to work out whats triggering it, today was a book she wanted, this is not her first nursery setting, she went to another for a year before this and was never like this, I’m starting to think they think there is more to it, adhd ect I just don’t no why she is like this, again I stress she has never been like this at home, I try to talk to her but she just says I don’t want to talk about, it, feeling help less at the moment, wondering what the next nursery day will be like, and if she has hit again, there is 2 preagent ladys as well and its starting to scare me, although iv not seen her hit the teachres , or any of her behavior, just what they tell me, they look at me for answers and I just don’t no,

    Added:
    • Delores

      Change nursery care asap!

      Added:
  31. Faith Miseje

    Hello everyone.I am glad to see that I am not alone.I have a 2.5 year old little boy who has at least 6 breakdown die hard tantrums per day.His tantrums scare me because he often bangs his head against walls, throws himself to the ground and throws his head back, and most recently he has began to slap himself in the face really hard when he doesn’t get his own way.I have tried time outs (do not think he grasps the concept at this age) redirection, and giving him space when he needs it, but engaging myself with hi when I feel he needs me. He talks, but not yet in full sentences and for the most part only I can understand him.He is also a biter (bit my older son 2x breaking skin and leaving scars both times) and he is a thrower (breaks remotes, phones, tablets) when ever he is angry. I am trying my best to be patient and tell myself this too shall pass.However, deep down I really feel his behavior is NOT normal. He is grabbing my face throwing a fit as I am writing this.Any advice would be appreciated.Thank you in advance.
    Faith

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    • tanya

      hi my name is Tanya I’m 21, and have a 28 month old son who is exactly the same as you described in your post. I have suspected that he has some sort of learning difficulty since he was under one years old but no one would listen the just though he was slower than kids his own age, he has never met a milestone and only speaks one word at a time doesn’t know very many words but he echoes the last word i say, he will pick new things up like words, or movements up but then drops then just as fast, he has his own language that I and other close relatives can understand he has a very bad temper that can be triggered off by the slightest little thing, for example craft time if my daughter touches anything he will take a massive tantrum, have noticed he’s started to bite things not other people yet thankfully, he grabs my face so tight his nails cut the skin, he bands his head of walls and smashed TVs or anything he can reach, but also he can be the loveliest little boy in the world comes up cuddles and kisses you for no reason, rubs my back if I’m feeling sick, took him to see a ped and he had an episode not his biggest but still fairly aggressive and the ped agreed with me that he had some sort of learning difficulty

      Added:
    • Delores

      Watch associations and take him to a very good highly recommended therapist. Someone that cares about children and has a good history. Don’t just rely on anyone talk with your Pediatrician, check the ratings of the therapist. Any new people in his life lately or any changes in daycare or babysitters. Sisters and brothers have new friends? Do not spank him please, love him hold onto him when he is going through this be patient. Little children can suffer, depression, anxiety, ptsd, all kind of things. ADHD. My sons behavior was identical to this, I failed to get the very best therapist and the experts he needed. I thought all the experts were helpful any could help. This is not anywhere near close to the truth. Check their education,degrees, tolerance, and get recommendations. Talk to your child’s Pediatrician.

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  32. Malonzo

    My twin boys are 6 when they throw tantrums that don’t stop until the situation goes how they wanted it to go to begin with. They never do it at the same time, they behave great at school and church but at home they don’t. We have rules and do positive and have tried negative reinforcing as well as a few swaps on the butt, but nothing is working. Points system worked for a few weeks till they had a great week and got their reward..

    Added:
    • Malonzo

      Advice would be appreciated. Thanks

      Added:
  33. Rebekah

    hi! I’m a nanny (I’ve been doing this for a LONG time..majored in the field and just find that it’s a career that suits me) and I care for a 16 month old girl. She’s been displaying signs of tantrums with me since she was 6 months. I’m not joking. I used to record it because it blew my mind that a literal infant could be so in control of their screeching for so long (could scream for 20-30 minutes, be picked up, completely change her mood and start smiling/giggling instantaneously, then resume screeching if put back down). Now, she does this every day when the parents leave, every nap time, and every time the parents are home and she knows it and they aren’t holding her. (keep in mind she doesn’t screech at me if I’m not holding her/giving her complete and undivided attention like she does with her parents). Today, dad left and she screamed in such a way that I promise she’s doing long-term damage to her vocal chords…and she did that for 45 minutes straight before becoming so exhausted that she had to stop. I asked her, as I always do, “are you done?” and she perked up a bit and responded (like a happy grunt she uses when she recognizes an upward inflection..which would indicate a question..she does that or says “yah!”). When I got up to go sit by her, her immediate response was to get up when I did and reach out to be picked up (context, her dad gives in after a max of like 15 minutes of screaming..mom gives in after about 30 seconds and they almost always resort to picking her up; if not that, turning on the tv for her or sitting with her and doing complete parent-led play). I told her “no, we’re sitting down, why don’t you play with your baby?” and I handed her her baby doll, which she held onto. I then sat down, but not close enough that she could touch me, climb on me, or try to force me to direct her play (which she almost always does) and so she immediately started full-blast screeching again. I waited 10 seconds and said “are you done?” and she immediately turned it off, perked up and did the same thing again. So I said “are you fine? you seem fine.” and she kept responding in her “happy” grunts, and so I said “okay, so let’s play with some toys” and she threw the baby down, threw herself down, and screeched again for another 5 minutes until she was so worn out that I put her down for a nap…and I can guarantee she was not tired when the tantrum started 45 minutes before. Also I’m not just letting her scream for 45 minutes..she has moments where she’s climbing on something or thinks she hears someone so she completely stops to focus on that, so I take those moments to ask her if she’s done and offer her a toy (because it is her play time, which we have at that time every day), to which she turns the tantrum back on and reaches out to be picked up. I’ve experimented with picking her up, in which she stops completely and starts pointing at things and making happy sounds and tries to get me to flip her backward (she loves to fling herself backward and be held upside down) but the change is so instantaneous that it’s as if she wasn’t just screaming her brains out. So, of course, thanks to my degree, I was able to spot that as a red flag for manipulation and I absolutely never pick her up when I recognize these tantrums. She throws these long tantrums every day, at least once. And the screeching at her parents when they aren’t holding her or giving her undivided attention is 90% of the time. It’s like she’s living in a perpetual tantrum that is only broken when her parents give in…so she doesn’t nap in a crib for them. she still sleeps on them for EVERY nap because she’ll scream (I believe they told me for half an hour) which they can’t handle so they pick her up instead of seeing if waiting it out longer will make a difference. She sleeps in their bed with them at night, which she has her entire short life. They still give her milk out of a baby bottle at night because apparently she throws tantrums without it. she goes all day with me without her pacifiers, but they give them to her immediately when she screams. mom just told me the other day that she “demands” to sit in a sling on her chest for an hour every day when she gets home from work. it’s insane. I’m just the nanny, so I don’t know how much I can actually do…but I KNOW so much of this is parenting..but I guess I’m wondering how much of it isn’t? The mom is a pediatrician..she is completely normal in her physical and mental development. So..what can I do when it’s just her and me to alleviate some of the drama? I refuse to give in like her parents do..I can’t bear to see her grow up with an oppositional defiant disorder..or worse..and it be partially because of my doing. I’ve dealt with older kids with ODD and it’s notttttt pretty. But it feels like that’s the direction she’s headed and I want to do whatever I can to change that direction.

    Added:
    • tori

      I AM SO GLAD TO READ THIS!!! I’m literally in my room with the door closed trying not to cry my 21 month old has the exact same tantrums and she only does it with me and dad. I know I’ve been giving in too much but I’m at the point of trying to not give in anymore so i put her in her crib cause she started the screeching and kicking in her chair all because she didnt want anymore yogurt. I mean its literally 5-10 tantrums a day and i am LOSING MY MIND!! My husband is more firm he’ll just let her cry but the cry and screeching is so annoying i just cant deal I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!!

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    • Lauren

      I don’t know if this is the right position for you, and I can tell by the very literal and factual way this was written that you are probably not a parent yourself. Children are not a expierent for you to test out and train. This poor little girl spent the first 9 months of he life being swished to sleep by the warmth and love of her mothers womb. Her parents (with the most loving intentions) brought her into this world and are raising her, in the best way they know how… with LOVE. So many adults deal with abandonment and depression issues because their emotional needs were not met as children. They weren’t picked up when they felt the most vulnerable, so they learned to be calous and hard and insecure. This tiny toddler depends on you and her parents to console her and talk her through her feelings, instead of arrogantly asking “are you done?” Maybe try “I’m sorry your upset, let me give you a hug, your not alone I’m right here and mommy and daddy will be home later.” She needs you and it breaks my heart to hear the tone in your writing that basically assumes she is some jerk that manipulates everyone, it’s your duty as her caretaker to give her the tools to work through her tough feelings that she doesn’t know how to work through yet, it’s your job to be patient and it’s your job to give her the love that her parents wish they could. Don’t judge the parents for sleeping with her, that is our biological norm!

      Added:
      • wendy

        As the director of a child care centre I can tell you that giving in to a child every time they insist on your attention is NOT good for the child at all. This makes the child insecure especially when they are not with a parent such as with a caregiver either at home or at daycare. I have had to speak to many parents about the need to mange your child’s expectations… you are not supposed to be at your childs beck and call… your job as a parent is to encourage your child to be independent and confident in themselves and their environment. If you teach your child that every time they cry you will pick them up, put a soother or bottle in their mouth etc then how can they learn to self sooth. By a year old a child should be able to self sooth, at least some of the time. Most of the problems with children’s behavior, not including any actual health issues, are caused by the parents not fully understanding what is best for the child, yes you must show your child, or any child you care for, love and understanding but you don’t do that by giving in to everything they want… discipline is love —- come on parents you need to figure that out..

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  34. Rochan Patel

    Hi I have a 7 1/2 year old daughter who constantly has tantrums at home and has uncontrollable screaming and crying. She goes on to hurt others near her or break objects around her. She starts theres tantrums for no apparent reason e.g. She loses a game on her iPad against her brother. Is there anything I should be worried about? If so who should I go and see?

    Added:
    • Rebekah

      when there is regular aggressions on humans or animals, it’s usually a red flag for something psychiatric going on. Not necessarily extremely serious, but without intervention, it can become more serious. Intervention could be as simple as going to a behaviorist and getting individualized tools to use when the tantrums occur (or how to recognize triggers and warning signs to intervene before the tantrum even occurs) to slowly change the behavior…and not necessarily having to go to regular therapy with the behaviorist/therapist/etc…depending on where she’s at behaviorally and/or mental-health-wise. But I would definitely seek out a professional more than just your primary pediatrician for those simple tools I mentioned. A child therapist is one route, but I would recommend a behaviorist unless mental illness is suspected. Just my two cents!

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  35. Kristi

    Hello! I have a 2 1/2 year old foster son who is displaying violent tantrums. He communicates very well and can speak full sentences so I know communication is not the issue. The other day we were at the dentist office and he was jumping on the furniture in the waiting room so I made him get down and come sit next to me. He didn’t like that and completely lost his temper with me. He began screaming at the top of his lungs, kicking and lunging at me trying to bite me. After several attempts of trying to bite my arm with no luck he finally took his nails and scratched up the top of my hand to the point of it bleeding. I had to take him out to the car and after a few minutes he calmed down. I was shaking because his level of aggression scared me. Whenever he doesn’t get his way he automatically resorts to screaming, hitting, biting and throwing whatever is in reach. It happens about once a day. These are not normal 2 year old temper tantrums. He has been seeing a behavioral therapist once a week for 2 months now and nothing has changed. He doesn’t sleep well at night either which has been another constant battle for us. If we leave him in his room he will just scream for hours and if he does fall asleep he will wake up in the middle of the night screaming which wakes us up and my school age daughter. The only way we can get a decent night sleep is if he is in bed with us. He can be very sweet and loving and responds well to being nurtured, but when it comes to structure and discipline we see the violent rages. Any advice?

    Added:
    • Rebekah

      just some encouragement–two months isn’t really long enough to see much of a difference with any kind of therapy. Give it a few more months at the least. I would also recommend a child therapist (mental health) because his behaviors are commonly seen in children with even just minor mental health issues..and kids from the system typically have rocky backgrounds that need to be worked through. And you’d be surprised how much a good child therapist can help even a 2 year old!

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  36. Shawna

    Hi i have a 3 year old son who doesnt talk very well. we have him getting help at head start for his speech and his social comunication with other children at school. He has bee in head start for half a year now and its seems the more he goes the more he throws a tramtrum just for having to get on the bus to go to school then throws one while getting off the bus to go into school and then throws one when its time to come home. I was told he does try to bite but hasnt done it in sometime but when he does throw a fit he dead weights himself to the point where you have to litterally bend your knees just to pick him up off the ground or he will dead weight himself while your holding him just to try to get him in his seat or into the car or even out of the store. I usually count to ten to myself at home when he throws fit but he never throws a fit at home it always when he has to go to school. I just started working so his father is home with him in the evenings while i go to work from 4 to midnight or whenever i get off work, i have tried everything from comforting him or trying to get him to show me why he is upset or even by letting him pick what he wants to do or pick a toy to take to school with him. Please i dont know what else to do and i dont want his teachers to keep having problems with him. like i said i have: tried everything to get him to calm down he sleeps from 7 pm to 6:30 am. he doesnt eat for the teachers so then i make him something when he gets home. I try to make sure he has a good balanced meal. If you guys have any tips on what i can do to help him i would greatly appreciate it.

    Added:
    • Shawna,

      Thanks for writing in.

      When a child has problems communicating their thoughts, desires and needs, they can resort to tantrums either out of frustration or just to let you know they need something different than what they are getting. From reading your comment it sounds like that may be what’s going on. Have you had him evaluated by a pediatrician or a behavioral specialist? If there isn’t a reason he doesn’t speak well yet, they may help you find a professional to help with his speech development.

      I hope that’s helpful,
      Best, @MsGreene
      Note: I am the co-founder of DrGreene.com, but I am not Dr. Greene and I am not a doctor. Please keep that in mind when reading my comments and replies.

      Added:
      • Kelly

        MS. Greene, my son tantrums and they last 20-30 mins. Is this normal? He turned 3 in June. I have tried to ignore it and place him somewhere by himself but he kicks screams and he throws things sometimes he has s bad temper. Plz help!!

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  37. Msiu

    Hi,
    We are having some concerns over our 4 1/2 year old daughter.
    She had been having some pretty intense and quite frequent tantrums. At least once a day, and they will last hours. If she becomes unhappy at bedtime and falls asleep like that then she will wake in the night shouting and screaming still.
    Usually they start because she doesn’t like something that myself or her father are asking her to do (which is normally a very simple thing)
    Her cheek goes down to her shoulder and her face looks sullen and moody. At best. At worst, she shouts and screams and will not respond to us
    Even if we were to “give in” to her she would no longer want that and will continue tantruming. She will bite at her clothes, sort of scratch herself but only once badly. She can be verbally aggressive “hate you” and knocks chairs over and slams doors.
    During a few nice conversations she has said some slightly concerning things, i.e. I don’t like being me.
    Not really sure what to do really. Do we seek further professional help (who?) or as she is so young just carry in and monitor?,

    Added:
    • Msiu,

      Thank you for writing in.

      At 4 1/2 frequent, significant tantrums warrant being checked out. If you’ve discussed this with her pediatrician and haven’t been helped, consider a behavioral specialist or behavioral therapist. You can locate one in your area by calling the nearest Children’s Hospital and asking for a referral.

      I hope that helps.
      Best, @MsGreene
      Note: I am the co-founder of DrGreene.com, but I am not Dr. Greene and I am not a doctor. Please keep that in mind when reading my comments and replies.

      Added:
  38. Natasha

    Hi there, my son is 3 and he has very violent tempertantrums. He has a younger sister who is 2. He throws about 20 tantrums a day. Screaming throwing toys hitting punching kicking you name it. I thought it was normal but after today a incident happened where his little sister grabbed one of his little toys and he shoved her into my table and she had to get 5 stitches in her head. Now his father and I are thinking there is a serious problem we have tried every single approach I read about and heard from family and friends. We are exhausted and don’t know what to do. Please if you can tell us some ideas or recommend what specific type of evaluation he needs please. Thank you

    Added:
    • Natasha,

      I am so sorry you’re going through this. It’s tough to give you suggestions if you’ve already tried “every single approach”. Does that include having him examined by his Pediatrician? How about a Behavioral Therapist? Those two doctors would look for different things and it sounds like it’s time to engage with qualified professionals to help you find the root cause and treatment or an approach you haven’t already tried.

      Sorry I can’t provide more help.
      Best, @MsGreene
      Note: I am the co-founder of DrGreene.com, but I am not Dr. Greene and I am not a doctor. Please keep that in mind when reading my comments and replies.

      Added:
      • Kristin

        My son is also 3, he is sweet, caring and loving, most of the time. He loves to have fun and listens to directions most of the time. But when he wants something bad enough he is willing to get in trouble just to do it. Even if it’s dangerous. He does throw fits about not getting what he wants or being able to do something he thinks he is big enough to do.
        He has a 1 year old sister who most of the time he loves. He looks out for her, and they love to be together. But when she picks up a toy that is ‘his’ or he has put something down recently and she picks it up he yells, or pushes her to get it back. I have tried to tell him to wait for my help, to give her another toy instead, but I can’t stop him engaging her. Playing together can get rough because I can’t seem to help him understand she can’t do everything he can. Daniel Tiger was a tool I used when pregnant to prepare my son for his sister’s birth. He still sings “There’s time for you and baby too.”
        I am concerned he may have ADHD, his father did as well but his pediatrician and I agree we will wait another 6 months because he is just a happy, high energy boy. He is distracted easily but only when he is doing something that isn’t a favorite activity ie. cleaning up toys, when I’m trying to talk to him. He does struggle to maintain eye contact which is worrying me lately, but it only happens during a fit or when I’m trying to talk to him after a time out. I’m not sure what the future holds for him but I’m looking for any advice or tips to try.
        Thanks

        Added:
  39. Shantã

    Okay, so my daughter is One Years old. She can be an awesome baby but sometimes her mood just switches and she starts to hit, bite and starts to throw things all while crying. She always hits herself. I don’t know what to do because she is so young but should I be worried?

    Added:
    • Hi Shanta,
      Thanks for writing in! I’m sorry to hear about the tantrums, that sounds rough.

      The best way to figure out your child’s issues is to keep a detailed log of timing of food, what food she eats (or what you eat if you’re still nursing), activities, TV or screentime, sleep, sickness, bowel movements — literally everything you can think of — and determine if there are any things in common before the outbreaks. Remember, if it’s a food trigger, it could be a while between eating and the outbreak.

      If keeping a detailed log feels overwhelming, try logging one thing for a week and seeing if you can make any links, then the next week log something else.

      I know this is a lot of work, but so is having a child who is struggling. Please do log back in and report your findings.
      Hope that helps!
      Alexandra (caring helper at drgreene.com, not a doctor)

      Added:
  40. Rebecca

    I have a three year old little girl. Her behaviour is worrying. From the time she was one til now she screams all day every day. She can be sitting there and start to scream. She will not sleep at all. She holds her breathe and bites herself. She also tries to eat odd things. She would rather eat paper than food. I havent slept in a week bc she wont sleep no matter what. Please help im exhausted

    Added:
    • Rebecca,

      How exhausting and worrying. Have you discussed this with her doctor. There may be an underlying medical issue and even if there’s not, it’s likely smart for her to have a physical exam to rule out issues.

      So sorry you’re going through this.

      Best, @MsGreene
      Note: I am the co-founder of DrGreene.com, but I am not Dr. Greene and I am not a doctor. Please keep that in mind when reading my comments and replies.

      Added:
  41. Maxine

    Hi there,

    My son is 5 and will be 6 in April, he has very extreme tantrums, every day, violent and aggressive, argumentative and sarcastic. He cries at the drop of a hat. It takes a long time to calm him down and nothing ever seems to get through to him. No form of punishment or reassurance or ignoring has worked. It’s ruining our home life. He is emotionally very immature but seems fine at school. He cries what feels like all the time, but at school he is fine. He can’t voice why he is so angry or aggressive. At home he is restless, can’t sit still, cant concentrate but at school they see no issue. What could be wrong? Is it something we have done badly as parents? He can’t seem to hear things we ask or say but he has had his hearing checked and his hearing is fine. He is so frustrated and angry. Do you have any suggestions?

    Added:
    • Maxine,

      How difficult. I’m so sorry you’re going through this with your son.

      With tantrums, it’s important to try to determine the root cause or causes and your son may not know. Two very common triggers are being overtired and being hungry.

      Other triggers can include high glycemic foods. That would obviously be candy, juice, desserts, but could also be white rice, bread and other carbohydrates.

      Some kids have a real problem with food dyes that can manifest in behavior issues.

      A big change in family structure such as divorce, new step-parent or a new sibling can make things seem especially tough at home.

      Is he going through a new stage of development? Perhaps struggling to be dry at night?

      For some kids, it’s literally not getting outside and playing hard. Kids (and adults) need both sunshine and physical activity.

      The best way to figure out your son’s issues is to keep a detailed log of timing of food, what food he eats, activities, TV or screentime, sleep, sickness, conversations — literally everything you can think of — and determine if there are any things in common before the outbreaks. If it’s a food trigger, it could be a while before the outbreak making it harder to find the correlation.

      If keeping a detailed log feels overwhelming, try logging one thing for a week and seeing if you can make any links, then the next week log something else. I know this is a lot of work, but so is having a child who is struggling.

      I hope this is helpful. Do log back in and report your findings.

      Best, @MsGreene
      Note: I am the co-founder of DrGreene.com, but I am not Dr. Greene and I am not a doctor. Please keep that in mind when reading my comments and replies.

      Added:
    • Janelle

      I wonder if he’s been tested for auditory processing delay. I say this as my daughter at 7 is just now being tested for this, and I understand that often times we don’t know a child has this until around 6-8 as it’s hard to test before this. My daughter too has awful tantrums right now, they were better for a while and now seem worse. For a long time now I’ve noticed that she understands better if I ask her to look at me and then repeat back what I say to her. I would think a child’s world would feel so much more intense on top of all the stresses and pressures a child of 7 goes through, if they have anything more going on. Good luck, whatever it is that is causing the tantrums, I hope you find a solution.

      Added:
  42. melissa

    About three weeks ago my daughter who is 5 started having freak out episodes when her father would come to pick her up. Tonight was really bad, her dad ended up leaving her here with me. Should i be concerned or is this normal?

    Added:
    • pearl

      This is not normal. I think you should talk to your pediatrician about this.

      Added:
  43. Charay

    My four year old just started kindergarten in September already he is getting negative reviews. He wants to be first and some days I am told he throws himself on the floor, something he does not do at home. I am told when outside playing in a nonenclosed area he runs always from the teacher. I am told he takes toys from other kids as they say for no reason. One day the teacher tells me he needs special help she is not a special needs teacher. I am no professional but I am quite certain that my son is normal and that is normal behaviour for a four old. He gets upset and may cry if he is not chosen to answer question. He is very intelligent. I am at a loss. Believe it is his environment and that the teacher are not committed to helping or doing all they can. I witnessed one incident where he came to class and they announced that the class was not going out side today he turned to a teacher and ask so what are we doing then and her response was just take ur jacket off 3times he asked and got the same response. I think that would annoy any one. I witnessed a so student getting upset because he was not chosen to answer a question to the point he was escorted out to calm down, so how do is my jk son already given up on when sk kids still exhibit same behavior. Any suggestions for a frustrated mom.?

    Added:
    • Tania

      Be very careful. As someone who works in a behavioural school, this does sound like a behavioural problem that could worsen if it’s not caught and treated. The first signs to look for is if your child has outbursts over irrational things (i.e., not getting to answer a question, his lunch isn’t what he wanted, etc.). Kids start learning how to calm themselves down at 3 years old. If his ability to calm himself down is not improving, and his responses to unexpected/undesired events is to throw himself on the ground, take toys from children, run away from he teacher, then there may be something else going on here.

      You’re right; the teacher should be doing what she can to support him (giving him the tools and strategies he needs to help himself when something undesirable happens). If she is dealing with his behaviour more than his learning, however, then there is an issue. You can ask his teacher to keep notes when these behaviours happen.

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  44. Emma

    I see diagnoses being recommended quite a bit, but what if you already know what’s wrong?
    We’ve got an eight year old girl with ASD (On the more “moderate” part of the spectrum. Not Aspergers, not severe autism) who will have meltdowns of epic proportions around twice a week, sometimes more. They can start in the morning, at school (usually at school), or in the evening, and last for hours. Today she started a tantrum in the late morning, locked herself in the closet at school, screamed at several peers and teachers, and tried to batter her teacher. She stayed there the entire day. While on the way out of her hiding place, she slammed the door so hard that she nearly (unintentionally) broke her finger, which was in between the door and the frame. And then, she put on a lovely angel face on the way home, not knowing that we already knew. The tantrum then resurged upon her finding out that a) we knew, and b) she was not currently allowed to play video games. And now she’s barricaded herself in her room (we CANNOT get in. If this isn’t over soon, the door is coming off its hinges), and is screaming all about how she hates us all and wishes we would die/she was dead/ she had a different family, etc. Second time this week.
    Nobody can get through to her. No expert can do it, and they all say it’s like nothing they’ve ever seen. Not in the factor of severity, but in the factor of sheer stubbornness. She never truly cares about her actions, and it seems that nothing will stop them. No punishment works, and only worsens the problem. She’s never sorry about what she did, only that she got caught and had to miss out on a privilege.
    She’s told her teenage sister that she wasn’t a wanted part of the family and that she should go die… because she made a dinner that she didn’t like while babysitting her. She also stabbed her with a fork because she was told to clear the table.
    She also has no regard for any request we give her. At all. Her reasoning for ignoring us and running away when we ask her things is usually “I didn’t feel like it”. No request is to small to cause grief. Raking the yard? tantrum. Cleaning her room? tantrum. Calling her? no response. Asking for something? Heavy complaining about “being our slave”. Upon asking her if she was listening to me once, she responded with “No. I don’t care”.
    She once had a tantrum because we asked her where she wanted her mirror and hung. She reason for the tantrum was, and I quote, “I HATE thinking!”.

    Added:
    • Emmommy

      Hi, Emma. So many issues here. ALL related to how her brain is wired differently as a person on the spectrum. To help her with meltdowns, for example, try to look for what precedes them and what signs she shows of bring distraught and getting near to that point “of no return”! Catch her before she reaches this peak and help her to find ways to cope, such as going to a quiet room, reading, playing a quick video game… this will help her manage through coping strategies before she gets there.
      Please look for an expert in Asd who can help make very specific suggestions to help both her and you. These strategies will not necessarily be what “everyone else does” with their 8 yo daughter, but these should be things that help her in the way she needs to be helped.

      Added:
      • Thanks for the words of wisdom, Emmommy.

        @MsGreene
        Note: I answer a lot of questions on DrGreene.com, I am the co-founder of DrGreene.com, Dr. Greene’s business partner, but I am a not doctor. Please keep that in mind when reading my comments and replies.

        Added:
  45. REGAN

    Cheryl,

    I am so thankful to have found your site. Saying we are at our “wits end” is an understatement, which makes our whole situation even sadder.

    I have the most beautiful, God loving, compassionate, intelligent, athletic, communicative 11 year old daughter.

    She started throwing irrational fits around the age of 7, but I have always thought this was because I had overcompensated and bent the rules for her and her little sister because my husband left.

    This is no longer the case. She is throwing these very aggressive temper tantrums and becomes physical with her sister on a daily basis.

    She will calm later and apologize and need to share all of what she is feeling, but she cannot control herself enough not to get into that state in the first place.

    She has become unfocused and unorganized at school. Her teacher even says she is distracted and distracts others.

    This morning when confronted with the fact that she failed to turn her work in, she started yelling and blaming until she was in a full blown melt down, when asked to go downstairs she refused and when we try to physically remove her she went crazy. (literally)

    She will come home today and she will say, “I am sorry mommy” and she will mean it.

    This behavior is effecting everyone and I see it slowly killing the sweetest parts of her.

    I am scared for her and want to get her help, but I am not exactly sure where to go.

    Thank you,
    Regan

    Added:
    • Regan,

      At 11 there are several things to think about:

      1) Could this be caused by the onset of puberty? Are her hormones out of balance in ways that cause this extreme behavior?

      2) Is she dealing with ADHD issues? If so, take a look at her meds to see if she’s having a negative reaction.

      3) Diet can be a huge trigger. Some kids can’t handle high glycemic foods. That would obviously be candy, juice, desserts, but could also be white rice, bread and other carbohydrates.

      4) Some kids have a real problem with food dyes that can manifest in behavior issues.

      5) Try to think back to when these started. Did something big change? Did she have a round of medicine right before this? Was there a change in family structure? New sibling? New step-parent?

      6) For some kids, it’s literally not getting outside and playing hard. They need both sunshine and physical activity.

      The best way to figure out your child’s issues is to keep a detailed log of timing of food, what food she eats, activities, TV or screentime, sleep, sickness, conversations — literally everything you can think of — and determine if there are any things in common before the outbreaks. Remember, if it’s a food trigger, it could be a while between eating and the outbreak.

      If keeping a detailed log feels overwhelming, try logging one thing for a week and seeing if you can make any links, then the next week log something else.

      I know this is a lot of work, but so is having a child who is struggling.

      I hope this is helpful. Do log back in and report your findings.

      Best, @MsGreene
      Note: I answer a lot of questions on DrGreene.com, I am the co-founder of DrGreene.com and Dr. Greene’s business partner, but I am a not doctor. Please keep that in mind when reading my comments and replies.

      Added:
  46. Milly

    Hi
    I have a 2 year old twin boy. His tantrums are daily now, they include excessively crying, bitting, hitting anyone even me, scratching, pulling hair and throwing objects, not caring if it badly injury’s someone. I cannot say no to him cuz all hell will break lose with him. There’s time when I do give him what he wants and he throws it at me. I cant take it no more. I know this can not be normal. The crying has always been there since birth. I always complain to his doctor and they brush it off like nothing. He doesnt speak. He takes speech therapy. Hes failed his developing evaulation twice, first one when he was 1 years old and second one was when he turned 2 years old. When should I do? Should I see neurologists or developmental specialist?

    Added:
    • Milly,

      It sounds like it would be very wise to seek professional help. A developmental specialist is a good place to start, but don’t give up until you get the answers you and your son need.

      I am so sorry you’re going through this.

      @MsGreene

      Added:
  47. Jenny

    My daughter just turned 2. Every night she has a complete meltdown where she is screaming and crying, head banging, throwing stuff, hitting her self, everything, nothing I do comforts her. We live in an apartment complex where we have quite hours from 11 pm till 8 am. Normally, her meltdowns have not been this bad, but for the last 2 or 3 months now, they have got completely out of control to the point neighbors in the building are coming up to me and telling me that I need to keep my child quiet. I’m not sure what to do at this point, I know the landlord can’t give us a violation for a child crying, but at the same time I don’t want my neighbors getting on my back about the noise. She only has these extreme temper tantrums at bedtime and sometimes at nap time although not as frequent as the ones at bedtime.

    Added:
    • Jenny

      I should also mention that these temper tantrums last 30 minutes or longer. I’ve talked to her pediatrician and she’s not concerned just said she’ll outgrow it.

      Added:
  48. Meghan Heffner

    Hi,

    I am writing because I don’t know whether to seek professional help. My 3-year old daughter is aggressive EVERY night (for at least the last 6 months) and very hard to settle for bedtime. She is hitting me when I try to rock her, but when I tell her I can’t sit by her if she hits me, she cries and tells me to come back; the cycle then continues. She often climbs out of bed crying, clinging to me, etc. She frequently wakes at night too.

    Our mornings are a nightmare too, with constant tantrums and wanting an exact pair of socks, hair clip, etc.

    What worries me most is that she is also still “testing” with being aggressive towards her younger brother – he’s now a year old and her testing continues.

    I don’t know if any of this is normal, if it’s attachment related (I constantly worry about this as a working mom), or something else.

    Thanks!

    Added:
    • Meghan,

      The fact that you are asking about getting professional help is a good sign that it’s time. For your daughter, and for you.

      Best,
      @MsGreene

      Added:
  49. Nicole

    Hi!
    I need help! My son is 3 years and 3 months. He is a very smart boy. We have absolutely no issues at daycare, they say he is a great listener, is involved in all of the activities, etc. We have been having what i consider a sever problem with him at home in the last few weeks. He is displaying this behavior where he wants things said/done a certain way. He will scream “Mommy, say do you want dinner?” he wants me to stand in a certain place. I try to accomodate and then he will change his demands and escalate the tantrum. he will then just continually repeat the commands and cry and yell. I do not know how to deal with this and i dont know if this a normal part of controlling things or not. Im at my witts end and dont know if I should get help or not.

    Added:
    • Nicole,

      This may be part of normal development for your son, but whenever I hear, “I’m at my wits end” I believe it’s time to get help. Your pediatrician may be the right person, but if he or she is not, try a developmental psychologist.

      You deserve help and so does your son.

      Best,
      @MsGreene

      Added:
  50. Chris C

    Hi!

    Liam is almost 2. Starting about 2-3 months ago every time he doesn’t get his way, especially about when he wants to walk around instead of sitting in the shopping cart or when we are eating dinner he wants to sit with mom or me instead of in his child seat. His tantrums have been getting worse, with him almost getting out of breath every time. he has these tantrums about 3-4 times a day.

    my wife and I are continuing to be calm, holding him (if he will let us) and reassuring to him during this. Telling him that if he calms down or stops crying that he can do what he wants but this hasn’t worked as of lately. Last night we stopped our family dinner for 45 min because he wanted out of his child seat as soon as my wife and I sat down to eat. if we take him to the store its impossible to get anything done unless both of us our there to help each other.

    he also started saying words 6-7 months ago, but 1 month ago he has stopped his progression. he know will not say words because he doesn’t “feel” like it.

    Q1: is this level of tantrums normal? any thoughts on what we should do or don’t do on his tantrums?

    Q2: Should we be concerned psychological function growth with his tantrums and slowing of talking lately?

    Added:
    • Chris C

      I should have gone back and read my post before posting it. it looks like my psychological function growth has stopped as well with my awesome sentence structures.

      Added:
  51. Lindsay

    I would love any input as we are at a complete loss with our 3 1/2 year old. She’s been throwing major tantrums for the past year and they are full on, out of her mind tantrums, where she can’t be reasoned with. Usually they are triggered during the day with her not getting her way, but so many times we also have no clue what they are triggered by. She often starts them by shouting “no” over and over and then that goes into a full meltdown that sometimes includes kicking and hitting and screaming. And once she snaps out of it, she acts completely normal. When she’s not in a tantrum, she’s generally a happy, active kid! She’s the 3rd (and last) of 3 girls. She only ever throws tantrums at home. Most people don’t believe she acts this way because she’s completely happy anywhere else! She often throws them in the middle of the night and refuses to stay in bed. Or she throws them even going to bed. She hasn’t slept through the night in at least a year (she used to be an amazing sleeper), and she never naps. She goes to bed around 10 because we spent hours fighting her to go to bed. We’ve tried putting her to bed earlier but no matter what time we try, she goes crazy until about 10 where she falls asleep in exhaustion. And then she’s up at 7:30. We are obviously just at a loss of what to do. She’s in a happy heathy home where she gets plenty of attention from daddy and mommy. Any help or tips would be so appreciated.

    Added:
    • Hi Lindsay,

      It is curious that she only behaves this way at home. With tantrums, it’s important to try to determine the root cause or causes. Though she typically starts by saying “no” repeatedly, there may be reason that she is unable to cope with emotionally challenging situations at times, while at other times she is able to cope just fine.

      Often the trigger is not immediately before the behavior, making it even more difficult to to sus out the cause. Consider these potential triggers:

      High Glycemic Foods That would obviously be candy, juice, desserts, but could also be white rice, bread and other carbohydrates.

      Food Dyes Sadly, these can also be found in some kids’ medications.

      Lack of Physical Activity For some kids, it’s literally not getting outside and playing hard. They need both sunshine and physical activity.

      The best way to figure out your daughter’s issue(s) is to keep a detailed log of timing of food, what food he eats, activities, TV or screentime, sleep, sickness, conversations — literally everything you can think of — and determine if there are any things in common before the outbreaks.

      If keeping a detailed log feels overwhelming, try logging one thing for a week and seeing if you can make any links, then the next week log something else.

      I know this is a lot of work, but so is having a child who is struggling.

      I hope this is helpful. Do log back in and report your findings.

      Best,
      @MsGreene

      Added:
    • hrnaik

      We are also in same situation as Lindsay. Our daughter is 3 years 5 months. She is going to school for 3 hrs. During these 3 hrs she is fine for first one hour then she suddenly start crying and roll on floor and sometimes cry for 10 mins and gets back or some time upto 20-30 mins and then get back to play. but during cry she gets mad and really do tantrums.
      She like circle time a lot and really enjoy and do some activities but this is very consistent from last few weeks. She is in pattern like play + cry + play. she is sleeping well go back to bed around 9-9:30 pm and wake up at 8 – 8:30 am. she is eating well. Potty trained. when she is at home she is happy and play all the time. she does demand for few things which we divert her mind by engaging into something else. School teachers have tried different things shorter school time, accompany one parent at school but does not seem to help and kind of losing faith and would probably ask to take her out of school.

      We are really tensed and I would really appreciate some tips and guidance to improve and see if we need to consult pediatrician or some specialist for this.

      Added:
  52. Sarah

    Hi,
    My oldest child, now 6, has been complaining of his head hurting when he gets extremely frustrated leading to tantrums. He cries mostly because of how much it hurts. His tantrums have started becoming more frequent since he entered Kindergarten, but I just assume it’s a growing thing? Most tantrums start from being frustrated at toys/ Legos not doing what he wants, so he throws them or bangs them. however, it’s only at his true tantrums that he cries over his head hurt hurting so bad (the front of head). Should I have him checked for anything?

    Added:
    • Sarah,

      Per Dr. Greene, this is a great time to take your son to see his pediatrician.

      Best,
      @MsGreene

      Added:
  53. Fran

    HI
    I have a 6 year old daughter who is having terrible tantrums to the point where it is impossible to calm her down. This evenings tantrum was triggered my school work and it lasted almost 30 minutes. Her tantrums consist of crying, screaming, kicking, and biting me. I calmly spoke to her throughout and when I could tried to hold her tightly but it seemed to take longer to get her to come out of this tantrum. I know this particular one was probably triggered by her exhaustion from lack of sleep the night before. I have been on the fence about having her tested for adhd because she doesn’t exhibit many of the symptoms associated with that. I am just worried and don’t know what else to do. I have mentioned her behavior to the pediatrician and he wasn’t concerned but I am becoming more and more concerned especially since she is getting older.

    Added:
    • Fran,

      I’m so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. I think you’ve recognized something very important — it was triggered by being over tired. Children don’t have the reserves adults have.

      You also mentioned this was in the evening. Have you noticed any link to what she eats? Other triggers for tantrums can include high glycemic foods. That would obviously be candy, juice, desserts, but could also be white rice, bread and other carbohydrates.

      Some kids have a real problem with food dyes that can manifest in behavior issues.

      For some kids, it’s literally not getting outside and playing hard. They need both sunshine and physical activity.

      As you say, she doesn’t exhibit many of the symptoms associated with ADHD, so it really may be something else.

      What do you think?

      Best,
      @MsGreene
      Co-founder & Executive Producer DrGreene.com, Mom

      Added:
      • Fran

        Thank you so much for your response. I agree with you that it may be triggered by foods as well. I have noticed when she is on antibiotics that are flavored she tends to have a change in behavior. I think there may be a link to her tantrums and what she is eating. I am going to keep a log and she if it correlates with her tantrums.

        Added:
        • Great. Please let us know what your log shows.

          Best,
          @MsGreene

          Added:
  54. cylinda

    my 8yr old started throwing aggressive tantrums around age 5 the more i try to reason with or defuse or ignore situation it escalates and he can get physical.i have taken him to see psychiatrist they say there nothing wrong with him but this is beyond my control I’ve hit a wall ill try anything to help him.this last yr he has gotten better bit there are things that still set him in spiral hoq can i avoid things tuning out jand before it gets to this point?

    Added:
    • Cylinda,

      With tantrums, it’s important to try to determine the root cause or causes. What did the psychiatrist test for? Did he or she or your son’s pediatrician look at things like:

      High glycemic foods? That would obviously be candy, juice, desserts, but could also be white rice, bread and other carbohydrates.

      Food dyes? Sadly, these can also be found in some kids’ medications.

      Physical activity? For some kids, it’s literally not getting outside and playing hard. They need both sunshine and physical activity.

      The best way to figure out your son’s issue(s) is to keep a detailed log of timing of food, what food he eats, activities, TV or screentime, sleep, sickness, conversations — literally everything you can think of — and determine if there are any things in common before the outbreaks. Remember, if it’s a food trigger, it could be a while before the outbreak.

      If keeping a detailed log feels overwhelming, try logging one thing for a week and seeing if you can making any links, then the next week log something else.

      I know this is a lot of work, but so is having a child who is struggling.

      I hope this is helpful. Do log back in and report your findings.

      Best,
      @MsGreene
      Co-founder & Executive Producer DrGreene.com, Mom

      Added:
  55. Malinda

    Hello, my 3 year 5month old grandson has been having a lot of meltdowns. He cries, screams, hits his mom and dad when he gets angry. we can tell him that he needs to go potty on the toilet and not in a pull up, he will scream no and start his meltdown. We have asked him to please clean up his toys and he will have another meltdown, screams and cries if he does not get what he wants to eat at that moment.

    I raised 3 kids and they did not have meltdowns like my grandson. Also I have noticed his speech is not clear and sometimes we can not understand him. I am not sure if this is normal. Should we be concerned?

    Added:
    • Malinda,

      Meltdowns in a pre-schooler can be the sign of frustration. It would certainly be worth a hearing and speech evaluation to determine if he has a physical issue.

      Best,
      @MsGreene
      Co-founder & Executive Producer DrGreene.com, Mom

      Added:
  56. Audrey

    My very bright, usually easy going little girl has just started having AWFUL tantrums. She’s been doing this for about 2 months now. It’s not just tantrums but all out defiance and rebellion. We talk to her calmly, take things away, attempt time out — all the while she is screaming and barking commands at us like “Don’t talk to me like that!!” “DON’T CLOSE MY DOOR”. Then if we attempt to punish her she laughs and makes it into a game. She refuses almost everything and we are at a complete loss for how to discipline her. A few weeks back she was kicking to hard I got bruises on my shins. She was a very easy baby, and is very independent and bright.

    Added:
    • Audrey

      Follow up on my previous comment. This is especially horrible when she is overtired and hungry. We try to mitigate those.. but this, these tantrums and acting out are unacceptable.

      Added:
      • Audrey,

        With tantrums, it’s important to try to determine the root cause or causes. It sounds like you’ve identified at least two triggers — being overtired and being hungry.

        Other triggers can include high glycemic foods. That would obviously be candy, juice, and desserts, but could also be white rice, bread and other carbohydrates and low fiber foods.

        Some kids have a real problem with food dyes that can manifest in behavioral issues.

        Trying to think back to when these started. Did something big change? Did she have a round of medicine right before this? Was there a change in family structure? New sibling? New cousin? New step-parent?

        Is she going through a new stage of development? Perhaps trying to learn to use the potty? Or struggling to be dry at night?

        For some kids, it’s literally not getting outside and playing hard. They need both sunshine and physical activity.

        For many kids, the issue is frustration over not being able to find the words to express their feelings. This happens frequently around two years old when kids at able to understand language far more than they can speak.

        After you’ve identified the reasons, it’s easier to prevent these episodes. Not that there’s a magic cure, but creating less of these outbursts will make everyone’s life better.

        Do log back in and report how things are going.

        Best,
        @MsGreene
        Co-founder & Executive Producer DrGreene.com, Mom

        Added:
  57. Luke Enright

    I am an 11 yr old boy I have a 5 yr old sister who I think is so annoying because the only thing she ever wants to do is have big tantrums. My parents do everything they can to calm her down but it never works. I do love her but I just really wish my sister lived somewhere else. She is impossible to deal with. I try to help her but my parents always put me back in my room. She has like at least 5 huge tantrums every day. This has been going on since spring. I need help!

    Added:
    • Matt Dalton

      Hi there, Luke,

      I am encouraged to see you are researching these issues to make yourself as informed as possible. That is, in a way, the answer to your question. I’m also happy to see that you are reaching out on a public forum such as this and admit your genuine care for your sister. That is very brave.

      Since this is a public forum, the best advise one can give is to seek the help of a mental health specialist. Perhaps a place to start is by looking in your own family, ask your aunts and uncles what they do, or if they have any experience with psychology or preoperational behavior development.

      If no one in your family is familiar with these issues professionally, perhaps you might expand your search in a close friend’s family if you see fit. This is a very mature thing you are doing so keep in mind that you must always keep questions.

      Best of wishes Luke!

      Added:
  58. Lia

    My son just turned 3yo. I watch a girl that’s also 3 years old for a year now and my son and her were always best friends. (she spends 9hours a day, 5 days of the week with us). About a month ago I found out my father had stage 4 lung cancer and he lives in a different country, what turned my world up side down, but I tried not to change much their routine, but I believe that I’m not playing with them as much as I was because I’m trying to figure out paper works so I can visit my dad. So about 1 month ago my son started throwing tantrums anywhere for every little reason, he will try to pinch, kick or punch whoever try to stop him (once he bit my bestfriend) and now he says he hates you, or “I don’t like you”. He was always a very active kid but when out in public he always behaved really good. But now I don’t even want to leave my house with him and because of that my husband and I are getting so frustrated and we are arguing a lot too. About a week ago I started watching my nephew that is 5 weeks old also. He was in the NICU for a month, so I have to do breathing treatments (which demands more time/attention). So I don’t know what to do, I try to talk to him and ask what is making him mad or upset, I try kissing him, hugging him, I try ignoring him, I tried to tell him that I loved him anyways, even when he is mad… but nothing works… PLEASE ANY IDEA OF WHAT TO DO? Because I read people saying just ignore, walk away but sometimes you just can’t. Last 2 tantrums he had one I was in NYC around the grand central station, and at the same day I was inside the Brazilian consulate (where everybody is quiet, I can’t really walk in and out like that). Please let me know where to start… Should I take him to see his pediatrician?

    Added:
    • Lia,

      What you are going through is so tough. Our hearts go out to you.

      It is very difficult to offer specific, individual direction online. There’s a lot going on in your family, our life, and your son’s world. This all needs to be taken into consideration, but may not be the reason for his change in behavior. In situations like this, it’s very wise to seek help from someone who can do a thorough physical exam to rule out any physical causes. His pediatrician can do this.

      If his pediatrician doesn’t address his behavior issues to your satisfaction, consider seeing a different type of doctor. This could be a child psychologist or a behavioral specialist.

      Again, our heart goes out to you.

      Best,
      @MsGreene

      Added:
  59. Markita

    I have a 9 year old who has tantrums. She turned 9 on August 29th. She doesn’t like the word NO. She falls out in the floor, stomps, growls, cries, yells, and kicks. It’s nerve racking. I have an intolerance for loud noises.

    Isn’t she too old to be having this type of behavior? She’s highly intelligent and very vocal, so to me there shouldn’t be any reason for this type of behavior. Do I need to seek a mental health professional?

    Added:
    • Markita,

      That sounds really tough. So sorry you’re going through this.

      When a 9 year old has tantrums, it’s very appropriate to get expert help. The first place to start is with the child’s pediatrician. He or she can refer the child to the right person if more help is needed.

      Best,
      @MsGreene

      Added:
  60. Nadine

    Hello, my son is 4.5 yrs and have extreme tantrums. Recently he’s been having 1 to 3 tantrums a day where he loses self control and starts shouting, hitting, kicking and saying bad words. He becomes physically very strong when he gets so upset that I am never able to put an end to his tantrum and I get physically worn out just by trying to hold him. Once he calms down he starts repeating the same word over and over like “no mamy no mamy…” and after a while he calms down as if nothing happened where he can be the funniest boy ever. His behavior makes me doubt that he might be “crazy?”
    I have gone to 2 psychologists before and did not find positive results, and next week I am visiting a 3rd. Per the previous psychologist, he is not autistic, nor bi-polar. Could my son be crazy? How do I assess whether the psychologist is a good one who can provide appropriate help?

    Added:
    • Kim

      Your child is doing the same thing as my 4 yr old boy but he tells his father and me he don’t love us and he hits both of us there is no abuse in the house so I don’t understand why he is doing this his father thinks the same thing that he has somthing wrong with him but the doctors say everything is normal with him
      Thought I would share hope it puts you a little at piece that other parents are going through the same thing have a blessed day
      If you have any tips for me please let me know thank you

      Added:
  61. Alex

    Hello I have a 23 month old and she will scream at me throughout the day and throw herself on the floor. She’s been like this since she was 1. Its a very loud high pitched scream and she does it all the time through the day. She will head butt things or me. I can’t go out on my own without her kicking and screaming. It’s everyday without fail especially when she doesn’t get her own way. I take her to the shop and she just runs off and even out the door. When I stop her she throws herself on the floor, screams kicks pulls things off the shelves. I don’t know what to do. Is this normal?

    Added:
    • Kayla

      Did you ever get help? My 2 year old son acts like this and I don’t know what do to!

      Added:
      • Ashl Moore

        Hi! My son is 25 months old and has been doing it for 3 month’s. I even pop him and he laughs.

        Added:
  62. Sarah Louise

    Hello, my child has just turned 3 and for a year now has had severe tantrums that can last around 4 hours. He wakes all through the night paddying and paddys throughout the day too. He’s currently on melatonin and has been for a month as prescribed by a pediatrician but it’s only made him worse. They can’t pinpoint whats wrong. I’m at the end of my tether, sleep deprived and 4 months pregnant. What would you recommend and should i be worried?
    Thank you

    Added:
    • Hasley

      Hi. My daughter never slept until she was 5.5. Just a little tip. It seemed to work for me. Magnesium. You can get it in liquid form. It’s by wellkid. Combined with calcium and vitamin D. Also omega 3 chew tablets. The magnesium has a kind of calming affect. Same with omega 3 . Since I gave her this combination she has slept pretty much every night. I was at the end of my tether so your not alone.

      Added:
  63. SR

    Dr. Greene

    I am a 16 year old girl and I find my self getting angry very easily as of late. Just small things like when my mom asks me to do the dishes, I get angry and start to hit my self in the head and scream. I’m not sure why I do this yet when it’s in the moment I can’t seem to stop myself. I have been working a lot and am tired but I’ve been this way before and nothing like this has happened. I know that if I tell my parents though, they won’t take me to a doctor. Should this be something to be concerned about?
    Thanks.

    Added:
    • Dear SR,

      Seeing a doctor is important. At 16, someone can call the doctor themselves. Or you might try calling a teen hotline, such as https://teenlineonline.org/ to get help seeing someone.

      Don’t wait.

      Best,
      @MsGreene

      Added:
    • Donna Robb

      Dear SR
      I am no expert but honey you need to really stop and think about why this is happening .
      Does it happen with anyone but your Mom, does it happen at school or at work… something is going on and if you can try to pinpoint any triggers then perhaps you will see a pattern and be able to address it .Is there a friend you could confide in, or a teacher..we have teen hot lines here in my province so maybe calling a centre could help …and I think you should talk to your Dr ..it could just be that you are overwhelmed and need some down time..Good luck sweetie I hope things settle for you soon.
      Donna

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  64. Donna Robb

    I just witnessed my first ever meltdown by my 5 yr old grandson, I am shocked at the behaviour and I found it so distressing. He has never had one while his grandfather or I had cared for him and his 8 year old sister, but this was staged in front of his Mom. The incident occurred when he was taken out of the hot tub for not listening and getting over excited.He started to cry then he just began screaming he ran to the far side of the property threw himself into a chair while the volume increased.Finally his Mom took him indoors where he slammed doors and continued to scream for at least 45 mins.
    The shock came when he was being held by his Mom who has a bad burn on her leg and my grandson took his finger nail and raked it over her burn….so awful to see this transpire.Later when he settled I asked him why he acted so badly…he said because he was upset..when I asked why he would hurt Mommy he said..she was holding him too tightly…I am a retired registered Nurse and am terribly concerned over this aggressive tantrum..I feel this requires further investigation..your thoughts would be appreciated.
    Thankyou, signed an upset Nannie..

    Added:
    • Donna

      I see very few responses here, is the idea just to “share” your experience..I think we were all hoping for some direction, some needed respite in the form of answers, or at the very least a suggestion of how to cope.

      Added:
      • Moira

        I visited this site for just that reason Donna, some kind of rhyme or reason and what I can do. Right now as I type this, my 1 year old son is crying, no let me change that to screaming and throwing himself to the floor, and slapping himself in the face, and has been doing a variation of the three for a little over an hour, and i cant even remember why because i have no idea what to do. As I continue to watch him he’s come over to me and began to scratch and head butt me. I’m scared beyond belief wth am i supposed to do? Let him finish? Intervene? Should I coddle him? Scold him? He’s beginning to wind down a little, smh he has screamed himself to sleep.

        Added:
        • Donna

          Oh Moira I feel for you, it is the most stressful situation ever to watch your lovely little one lose control..I really thought I was going to get some direction here to help me with my grandson but alas I guess there are not going to be responses or direction from Dr Greene nor his wife Cheryl Greene.
          I wish I could privately email you just to offer some support..as a Grandmother I often feel like some children are using the tantrum as a means of obtaining what they want…attention seeking etc..perhaps initially some discipline (like a time out) but when that fails to break the tantrum I turn to soothing as best as I can, speaking softly and giving gentle hugs…I am at a lost as to what else you can do..I think Paediatricians see the worse of the worse so unless your child is breathing fire and their head is spinning they really minimise your childs tantrum and advise “they will grow out of it” and true I have never seen a 40 year old throw a tantrum but the intervening years are draining for the whole family and especially for the Moms watching this happen…so I wish you the best and just know that as Moms we are often too hard on ourselves when we question everything we do and over analyse things…we somehow blame ourselves for everything thier child does wrong…when we should be celebrating what they do right and what a wonderful gift they are….I would suggest trying to get out a bit by yourself to get a break from the situation..best of luck Moira…stay well and take care …Donna

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  65. Kathy

    Dear Dr. Greene,
    I’m at a complete loss with how to handle my grandchild. She’s 5 years old and has meltdown tantrums at an epic proportion. It’s just beyond anything imaginable. Tonight’s started when she pointed at the tv, with attitude, but wouldn’t ask me to turn it on. Just pointed. When I told her I would be happy to turn on the tv if she used her words, she wen from grunting at me to screaming, and then screaming so loud, I’m sure everyone could hear her within a 5 mile radius. She threw herself onto the floor, on her back and just flailed, and screamed at the top of her lungs, as though she was possessed.
    These tantrums she has get out of control and once she’s in that place, there’s no turning back until it’s over. 15 minutes tonight.
    Then, once she’s calmed down , she’s like a complety new child. Quiet, and calm. My daughter is a single mom so my husband and I keep her on Wednesday evenings so my daughter can have some down time. We both believe the consistency is very important for this child so trying keep her on a pretty tight schedule .
    She is been a day cares and she was very very young and has done well in till the last few months and just this week is been unenrolled from the school due to these temper tantrums. She never has more than one a day, and like I said once they’re over she’s back to being a very sweet kind child .
    I’m heartbroken to see this, as I can see how distraught she must be to get to this stage, while she’s in the midst of one of these tantrums. I’m at a complete loss. This seems to me that these tantrums occur when she does not get her way or when she’s called out for doing something she should not be doing in other words being corrected .
    Please help. I’m desperate to make this stop, for her sake.

    Added:
    • Grandma

      I am a grandma, too.

      Like it or not I think it comes from being in day care.
      My latest granddaughter has the same problem when the two’s came around she has had tantrums and is unbelievable out of control when not getting what she wants or whatever right now or being directed to help her or for whatever reason that does not please her.

      Again, there is something missing in a child care setting.

      I have 6 children and never babysit. I always tried as much as possible to give each child their choices to give them a chance to do things I was the elastic that gave them a chance to exercise their growing need for autonomy. This is just one thing that a day care does not do.

      We as grandparents need to be consistent or the child will grow to run the house a major problem today in our society.

      We can love them there are times we need to draw the line.

      Added:
      • Kayla

        I don’t really feel like it is completely and totally a result of childcare. My son is a single child and has never been to daycare yet he is driving me up a wall. He has violent lash outs and communicates by physically hurting kids as well as adults anywhere we come across some.

        Added:
        • Louise Pearson

          Hi I really feel your pain my son is 28 months and delayed with speech and has had hearing problems. He’s had grommets fitted but not made much difference. He gets so frustrated and vents with pushing and slapping and has terrible melt downs. It’s more persistent when we’re out in public & out his comfort zone… It’s hard hard work.

          Added:
    • WenLee

      Kathy,

      If your granddaughter’s daycare asked that she be withdrawn then the tantrums must be pretty sever. This does not mean your granddaughter is bad or has a severe disorder, there is hope in changing her behavior. Some children simply do not thrive in group care as it can be over stimulating for them or just simply overwhelming. Severe tantrums are definitely something to discuss with an expert and are most often the result of underlying issues. There are changes that can be made at home to help with the tantrums such as limiting electronics, television and computer time to 20 minutes per day. Not 20 minutes each, 20 minutes total for all of them combined. It is not punishing the child, trust me you will see improvement in her mood within the first day. Also pay attention to her diet and try to limit foods that contain a lot of sugar, her pediatrician can help you with this. Have her mom write down a list of simple rules with simple consequences clearly stated and hang them on the refrigerator or a place she can see them. Then her mom should go over the rules and consequences with her so that she understands them and knows what to expect when a rule is broken. She can even keep a copy at your house to see when she’s there, and you can go over them with her as well so she knows they are the same at your house. Negative attention isn’t fun for children even when it seems that is what they are seeking, by making a few simple changes you will help her more than you can imagine.
      Although I understand daycares in general are scrutinized by a lot of people, your granddaughter’s behavior most likely has nothing to do with her daycare. I wish you the best and hope that you find the answers you are searching for.

      Added:
  66. CrazyLoveNC

    My daughter had colic from 2 weeks to about 8 weeks for up to 4 hours a night of constant screaming and crying. Since then, she has gone through months of great behavior and calm demeanor to months of terrible tantrums and screaming. She is now 4 years old and my husband and I are having a very hard time. She’s the youngest of our three kids, and the older two will cry and get really upset because of her screaming. She tantrums up to 45 minutes at least once a week, but unfortunately it’s been at least 20 minutes of full-on screaming every single day for the past 5 days. It’s so hard, and her pediatrician knows she difficult (although behaves very well when not with me, her mom). She is bright, healthy, has lots of friends, and when not having a tantrum is a wonderful, caring girl to be around. My husband and I do not give in and we keep our consequences to her, but it’s like she doesn’t care and/or cannot control herself when she’s in the midst of her anger. I appreciate any help and insight you are able to give. I feel so hopeless at this moment.

    Added:
    • Grandma

      The child may have an allergy to milk and or wheat, oats or other foods. Is the child ever in day care or a school situation?

      Added:
  67. SP

    My son is two (32 months) and his tantrums have gotten worse. I am able to deal with him at home, but he is very aggressive at daycare. The behavior has progressed over the past week (from 0 to 100 in just a week). His tantrums start when he can not do what he wants to do. The tantrums last over an hour, he hits, spits, kicks, and throws objects. He also throws himself to the ground while he screams and kicks (very ear piercing loud). Can a child his age be evaluated this young?

    Added:
    • Yes, he can be evaluated. Ask his pediatrician to do a first evaluation and refer you to a specialist if needed. Your son will thank you for taking action quickly.

      So sorry you’re going through this.
      @MsGreene

      Added:
    • Grandma

      The child may have an allergy to milk and or wheat, oats or other foods.
      Is the child ever in day care or a school situation?

      Added:
  68. Lindsay

    Hi Dr. Greene, my 3 yr old son had a normal pregnancy, csection with no complications and was a perfectly healthy boy. He started having these out of control trance like “tantrums” at 1.5 and it has not stopped. They last anywhere from 45minutes to 2 hours and a couple times a day. We suspected it was a gastro intestinal issue as he would often have them after nap and before he would poop. We ruled out dairy, gluten and had a colonoscopy and endoscopy and an ultrasound. They came up with nothing. The thing is often their is no trigger ( not a typical tantrum because he isn’t getting his way), he is very very angry, inconsolable and screams he wants up then when I go to pick him up he screams no. This goes back and forth throughout the whole episode. Then just as quickly as it starts its like a light switch turns off and he goes back to being his happy wonderful self. I am at my wits end and don’t know where to turn from here. Please any advise would be greatly appreciated.

    Added:
    • Lindsay,

      How hard — on the whole family.

      This sounds like it’s being triggered by something that’s pretty subtle.

      I know it’s tough to do, but a “food, activity, sleep, tantrum diary” could be very helpful. The diary needs to be as detailed as possible. Include the timing of everything. For food, be as detailed as you can be and pay attention to things like food colors, pesticides, and preservatives. You can use a tool like MyFitnessPal.com for tracking food, but it won’t help you with sleep, exercise, and tantrum timing so you may have to resort to a good old fashioned spreadsheet. After a few weeks, I hope a pattern will emerge.

      Hope that helps,
      @MsGreene

      Added:
    • Ashley

      OMG! Everything written here is EXACTLY what I’m going thru with my 3 year old son. It’s as if I was the person writing it. I’ve had it. I can’t take it anymore. I’m regretting becoming a mom and I even thought about adoption options. I am over whelmed, exhausted, & do not know what to do.

      Added:
      • Ashley,

        As a mom of now adult children, I can tell you this will not go on forever. They do grow up and you will be able to look back on this as a season, but right now, you need relief.

        If your son is like Lindsay’s and the meltdowns seem unprovoked, I highly suggest you do the detailed tracking I suggested for her. It’s a lot of work, but if you can find a trigger, or multiple triggers, it will be worth it.

        One other thing to keep in mind, when kids are having this level of emotional outbreaks, they are experiencing something internally that is overwhelming to them. They need caring adult help to figure out what’s causing them and a solution. When this is the hardest, and you are going to extreme measures, know that you are a huge help to your son.

        My heart goes out to you both.
        @MsGreene

        Added:
    • Rachel

      I am at the same point as you. My daughter is the same exact way and she is 2.5. Hers are completely unprovoked but don’t link to anything we’ve noticed (sleep, food, etc.) They are uncontrollable and same thing, go to pick her up she screams no, but will hyperventilate if we walk away. We did the ignoring method for a week, nothing. She’s an angel at school and with other people. It’s extremely frustrating and makes me resent my child.

      Added:
  69. Samantha

    I need help please!!!! I have a 4 year old daughter who has gotten so bad I can no longer control her tantrums. It started around age 2 and has steady gotten worse. I have seeked help between several doctors and we do two different therapies three times a week and nothing is helping just seems to make it worse. The specialist we see is pretty much using her as a lab rat trying different meds on her and can not tell me what the issue could be. Her fits last anywhere from 1 to 3 hours. And we have at least 4 of these a day. She will bite, punch, scratch, hit anything she possibly can to hurt either herself or someone else. I no longer know what to do someone please help.

    Added:
    • Samantha,

      I can hear the frustration and pain in your voice — even on a message board. I’m so sorry for what you are going through.

      It sounds like you’re pretty far into treatment options and you’ve probably looked at dietary causes, but in case you haven’t the two biggest links in diets to children’s behavior issues are sugar and food dyes. Here is what Dr. Greene says:

      The Relationship between Sugar and Behavior in Children

      It is commonly acknowledged that as blood glucose levels fall, there is a compensatory release of adrenaline. When the blood glucose level falls below normal, the resulting situation is called hypoglycemia. Signs and symptoms that accompany this include shakiness, sweating, and altered thinking and behavior.

      Let’s Put Artificial Dyes on Time Out!

      The British Food Standards Agency (the FSA) decided to fund two careful, randomized, double-blind, placebo controlled studies to see whether artificial dyes in typical amounts consumed by typical kids physically worsen children’s behavior. These studies were on healthy British kids, not those diagnosed with ADHD or suspected of having sensitivity to the dyes. The results prompted the FSA to call for the elimination of the dyes.

      In some children, the impact of sugar and artificial food coloring is not immediate. It can happen hours after consumption. This makes it difficult to track the cause and effect. If you haven’t already tried to cut sugar and artificial food coloring out of your family’s diet, it’s certainly worth a trial. Even if your daughter’s tantrums don’t go completely away, it could make other treatments easier.

      I hope that’s helpful.
      @MsGreene
      Co-founder & Executive Producer, DrGreene.com

      Added:
  70. Caitlin

    My daughter is 4 1/2, she’s thrown tantrums for the last 2 1/2 years but it’s worse then what it started with. If I tell her for instants to pick up her toys she will throw a tantrum, if she doesn’t get her own way or the attention isn’t fully on her she has a tantrum.. An these tantrums an throwing things, hitting, and screaming.. She doesn’t listen to anything you say an will have a tantrum if she’s not interested. If she’s showing you something she did or can do an you award her she had a tantrum.. She also gets very emotion when she can’t get something right or can’t do something.. She also can’t play nice with other children or share.. But she can sit on an iPad all day without bouncing around, but gets mad an hits it if something stops.. I really don’t know what is wrong with her or if there is really anything wrong.. I tried taking her to our family doctor but he just said she’s “spoiled” an sent us on our way.. But she is not the only child an therefore is not spoiled.. She does these tantrums Dailey that can last up to an hour were she’s beat red and looks like she’s about to hyperventilate or have a serious health issue happen.. I don’t know what to do.. It bothers me that I can’t help her because I don’t know what is wrong even though I do whatever I am to do.. I just want some answers an find some way to help her..

    Added:
    • Veggi25

      My son does EXACTLY the same things your child does. Right down to being able to concentrate on whatever he’s doing but, the minute something doesn’t go just right, boom fit. I’ve been told the same thing. He’s spoiled. He’s also not an only child and both children are given similar amounts of attention, toys, outings, etc.

      Added:
  71. Laura

    My daughter is 2 1/2 she throws severe tantrums all day long flipping over chairs throwing toys banging her head hitting she has tried to bite a few times. She screams non stop. I can’t go anywhere with her not to the store not even the doctors office I went for an appointment and was asked to leave because of the nonstop screaming. No one will even babysit her so I can just get a break. She’s not entertained by anything and if she is its max of about 5 minutes. She has a fascination with playing in her poop. Sometimes I’m just besides myself and just cry. I don’t know what to do I’ve never dealt with a child like this. We have some good days but most are bad.

    Added:
    • Kelli

      I don’t have advice, just experience, and I sympathize with you. Sorry you’re having to deal with it.

      My church gave me a great resource: “How to really love your child.” It really helped with my reaction and gave me more grace in the moment.

      My girl is super strong willed and high energy. If I don’t get her out of the house to run around, she’s downright destructive. She’s like a puppy… Also, she needs a lot of cuddle and quality time – no phones or electronics. That has helped significantly.

      I hope you find the cause and solution! Again, sorry you are having such difficulties!

      Added:
  72. anne marie

    We have been experiencing consistent behavioral problems with our 7 year old. When he doesn’t get his way he hits himself, bites his arm or says statements like “I’m stupid. I’m an idiot. People hate me”. I’m very concerned about him. When he has these fits, I tell him that we love him very much, that no one would ever hate him. Its been a rough year for us. We moved out of state in September, moved back home in December to live with my parents(who helicopter grandparent him) and we moved into our own place in march. These occurrences were few and far between and not as extreme, mostly he would pout and go to his room; this was when we moved away. Now he cries about the littlest things. We have tried a more authoritative approach for when he talks back, such as taking things away. The fix is only temporary though. I need help with this so he can be happier. So we can be a happier family.

    Added:
    • Hi Anne Marie,

      As a mom, this must be heartbreaking. You love you son so much. How can he think you hate him?

      Have you considered taking him to a counselor for an evaluation? He or she may be able to determine a root cause and quickly work toward a solution. If it were me, I’d ask his pediatrician who he or she would recommend in your area.

      Heart breaking.

      @MsGreene

      Added:
  73. Jenna

    I have a 2 in a half year old who thinks he runs the show. If I don’t do what he wants right then and there he starts yelling at me until I get it. When I tell him to do something he runs up and hits me and tells me no. If I try time out and trying to get him into something else he screams at the top of his lungs for 25-30 minutes and will hit and kick and throw stuff. I am to the point where my patience is running low and I have no idea what to do anymore. Advice is greatly appreciated.

    Added:
    • Alexandra

      I totally feel your pain ! My 3 year old daughter , every time I tell her it’s time to do something she throws the toy that she is playing with and tells me know. Every time ! That’s a lot in one day considering she does have a lot of little things that she needs to accomplish ( getting dress , teeth brushed, etc) and she has never hit anyone else , but she will give me a little slap or a hair pull anytime I’ve upset her in some way. Very frustrating ! **also could use advice okease !!**

      Added:
  74. Jo H

    Help, I have a 3 1/2 year old grand daughter and the fits she throws are horrible. Some days but usually at night when Mom, Dad and brother are trying to sleep. She wakes up and wants the silliest thing or something nothing at all but then world war 3 starts. Biting, crying, screaming, pinching, throwing, hitting, over and over again. It may last one hour or two. Has had a spanking but that means nothing to her. Parents cannot stop these fits and are about to pull out their hair. Daughter had these when she was a toddler but they didn’t continue after 6 – 8 months. Help we are at wits end. I had to be on the receiving end of one of these the other day and she ran for the road, scared me to death almost, Please help!

    Added:
    • Jean

      Look at child’s diet. Is she eating foods with food dye additives (yellow #1, yellow #2, Blue #1) check the ingredients of foods. It has been proven that these additives cause tantrums and a week after weaning, the tantrums stop.

      Added:
  75. Holly

    The worst punishment from parents is to make their kids who have tantrums starve to death ! 1000 children die from starving !!! You know why because they have tantrums .

    Added:
  76. Ashley

    I have a 7yr girl who over the last 3 months has been throwing a tantrum over the smallest things sometimes. It may be because isn’t getting her way to her shirt sleeves move when she puts her jacket on. When she is upset she will claw her face,legs, hit her head with her fist, and cries until she can’t breath. I am lost at this point…We have talked to her several times to see if she is being bullied at school or if someone has been mean to her. She keeps telling us,”No”…. Can you please give me some advice

    Added:
    • breezi

      Same problem did anything work for you

      Added:
  77. Emily N

    I have a 22 month old nephew that lives with me. He screams, hits, kicks, throws things, just all the time. His mom was never really there for him because she didn’t want any kids. But oh man its so hard dealing with him. I’m only 19 and I don’t know how to deal with the lil psycho. At daycare, they tell me he’s the best behaved toddler there. But as soon as he sees me he screams and cries and I can’t take it anymore. I’m losing my mind. When I get him playing he’s fine, but as soon as I go to make him dinner or walk away from him period, the screaming starts again. He doesn’t want to eat, he pushes his food away, he only wants the cookies and the candy. He screams over everything. We make eye contact he screams at me and says no no no while he hits himself. I don’t understand. He doesn’t sleep through the night, he wakes up constantly and wakes me up with him and I have a full time job, working 10 to 12 hours a day. I’m so stressed out I wanna pull my hair out. All he does it seems is cry and scream. When we visit my mom, that’s where his mom and his older sister live, he’s even worse. It’s like he hates everybody. I honestly think he’s bipolar, his dad is, but he never really sees his dad. He’s in prison and I’ll show him pictures but nothing seems to calm him and I’m very close to just giving him up. The only reason he lives with me is because his mom was going to give him up for adoption when he was about a year because she couldn’t handle him anymore. And I felt bad for the little guy but now I completly understand.

    Added:
    • Lydia Shillingburg

      Don’t give up on him! Sounds like he’s had it very hard at such a young age. Go get him evaluated, sounds like he’s severally depressed! There’s help out there n trust me I know how you feel inhave a 15 year old that’s bipolar n last year was very hard on our family! That’s when my 5 year old changed n I’m so scared n concerned for him I’m just praying he’s not going have to go thru all his brother has! Good luck believe it or not your that lil guys hero n he loves you dearly even if he don’t know how to show it! He really don’t everyone who supposed to love him has left but you please don’t leave him to!!!!!!!

      Added:
    • Ally

      My daughter is almost two and had some very loud tantrums. She hate me going away from her at daycare or even the toilet or to make dinner. I have started putting a stool next to me so we make dinner together and put her on the potty with me when I go to the toilet so far this has helped and she has even given me 2 days she hasn’t cried when I drop her off at daycare. She just want to do what I am doing and know that I am there for her. She worst when hungry or tired. Hang in there you only get out what you put in as long as you put in love even through the hard times that’s what you will get out. You are his everything. His whole world right now no one else matters to him. He will be alright and you will be so proud when you see him grow into an amazing man

      Added:
    • Allison

      You are an amazing person to take this on. Look after yourself. It is hard. Especially on your own.

      Kids tend to act up for the one they love most. He knows you love him & needs to let out his frustrations when he feels safe. It also sounds like he didn’t have a great time with his mum. He wants to be with you & is afraid of you leaving him.

      While you are trying to cook, can he sit on the other side of the bench & eat a few bits of raw veg as you cut them? This way he’s still with you & you know he’s getting some good stuff into him.

      Where are you? In Oz we have free positive parenting courses available. Run on weekends with crèche available. Do you have anything like that available to you?

      This is an amazing thing you are doing. But very hard work. Make sure you get some time for yourself. Get your Mum or sister to look after him for a couple of hours every week or two. Do something nice just for you.

      Good luck!

      Added:
    • Anon

      Wow a lot of people troll on here.

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    • Ninetails

      Hi Emily, you are a very courageous 19 y.o. I hope that you are taking care of yourself. I am a single mom with 3 kids, so I get it. If you have a local YMCA or similar, try to get involved there. They can take your nephew for an hour or two while you go for a stress relieving walk and listen to music. I can’t tell you how much of a help they have been to me. Some have parents night out, too, which costs extra but is a light at the end of the week. You matter. I think getting a professional evaluation for your nephew is important. When you describe gaze aversion (he won’t look you in the eye) and self harm (hitting himself), these things are red flags. Talk to his doc and insist on an evaluation referral. Getting him the help he needs will make your home a happier place. Then, if he qualifies for services, apply for a county case manager/social worker. They can help make sure he’s getting everything. For instance, he may qualify to be picked up from daycare for those services, lessening your responsibilities. Hang in there!

      Added:
  78. JaneC

    My 4 year-old daughter has always had, and still has, crying/tantrum episodes every single day. it’s humiliating. Bedtime is so stressful EVERY DAY! And this is not the only time she is out of control.

    I have tried it all; routine, stories, positive reinforcement, games, etc, etc., still, nothing works. We can’t figure it out…we would appreciate your input…I’m all ears!!! Thanks!!

    Added:
    • Marissa

      This sounds exactly like my four year old daughter, she is throwing a fit on the living room floor as I am typing this. Bedtime is horrible almost every night. She absolutely loses it over everything. She is also super sensitive to clothing and shoes. Only has a few things she wants to wear, refuses to wear jeans cause she doesnt like how they feel. I feel like I have tried those things as well and it hasnt worked.

      Added:
      • gena

        To Marissa have you tried getting her evaluated for autism. I know the sensitivity to materials Is a sign of such diagnosis. I hope I haven’t over stepped any boundaries by suggesting such. I know its kind of hard to hear when something may be bothering your child. I too a dealing with issues with my five year old so I totally understand your plight. I hope everything works out or both you. God bless

        Added:
      • Ninetails

        I second the autism evaluation, but it should be a complete evaluation as it may be a sensory issue instead, which would still need to be addressed. I have a 16 y.o. daughter with autism and I struggled with the diagnosis for several years, which I regret. The earliest you can determine the cause and get proper treatment, the better the outcome will be. You will be amazed at how much your daughter will improve.

        Added:
      • Silke

        Marissa, your daughter might simply be hypersensitive. The clue is “loses it over everything. She is also super sensitive to …” Hypersensitive children need a few adjustments in parenting style, it seems. For example, if you try things (like stricter routines), it will take the hypersensitive child a longer time to adjust than the average sensitive child. Any change will take longer to adjust to. And all transitions will be more problematic. So then we feel that what we are trying isn’t working. And we try something else, just adding to the confusion of the hypersensitive child. Plus those children are even better at picking up any emotion of their parent, and often mirror it or exaggerate it. Hang in there!

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      • Mom2Nine

        Marissa, Your child sounds like my 6 year old son! He has been diagnosed as Sensory Processing Disorder. Talk to your pediatrician about her sensitivities, then they will refer her to an Occupational therapist. Also ask to be referred for a full evaluation by a psychologist. They do this kind of testing and then make referrals who to see for various therapies. My son lives in pull up sweat pants or pull on shorts, always soft material and compression shirts to regulate his sensitivities. He will only wear Crocs. Good luck.

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  79. Natasha

    My son is 2 years old and throws extreme tantrums through out the day . I mean just telling him no to anything!! Throws him into a downward spiral every time . he screams and cries bloody murder so loud that it sounds like someone is beating him up . it last from anywhere between 5 to 15 minutes and other times I have to pick him up to stop. Also I fear that it is almost like he likes pain!!! He litterally will walk up to the wall and bang his forehead on the wall harder and harder to the point the wall stats shaking the pictures on it and to the point he bruises his forehead and it doesn’t faze him. I literally have to walk up and stop hi. Or Idk if he would stop. He is so destructive and gets into everything and everything he shouldn’t . I have to what it seems run after him to one thing to another say ing no constantly!!! And when I say no he either completely ignores me with me standi g right there and I have to physically stop him and then he freAks out and throws hos temper tantrum or I say no and he listens but immediately throws his temper tantrum. I am lost for words or how to stop this and would like some advice on what is going on with him? And what I can do ?

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    • Cyndi

      I have a 23 month old that does the exact same thing and I’m yet to get any answers it has been this way for months.she is happy and all of a sudden she is pitching a full blown fit. I need help bad on this subject

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  80. Anon

    My brother is four and has thrown awful fits since he was 2. I hoped he’d get out of the terrible two’s phase, but then he entered the terrible three’s. Now he’s on the terrible four’s and I’m scared he’ll enter the terrible fives soon, as his birthday is coming up. I’m pretty sure the “terrible’s” should have stopped by now.
    I babysit him frequently and have for as long as I can remember. My mom spoils him a bit because he’s her little boy, and I think this may be part of why he acts so out of control. If one little thing even slightly distresses him, he’ll freak out. He’ll start whining or sobbing uncontrollably, and if it doesn’t get fixed, he’ll have a full blown tantrum. I’m taking a child development course so I’ve been learning the importance of talking with a child and making them feel understood and loved even when they’re bad, but he doesn’t care. He severely lacks empathy and understanding. When I try to talk to him he just zones out and lets his anger consume him and he screams over and over or cries loudly. Just tonight, when I was putting him in time out, instead of the typical wrestle we go through, he was smacking my arms, and eventually smacked my face. He CONSTANTLY swings at my little sister and claws at her and pulls her hair and even bites her. He does the same to my mom but is VERY attached to her. I’m almost never his target, so this is strange. He tells us stuff like, “I’m gonna kill you!” “I’m gonna cut your head off with a knife!” “This is my house, you need to leave!” “You listen to me!” “I’m gonna kill myself!” It’s all very disturbing.
    Like I said, he’s very very attached to my mom. She has to sneak out to go to work or the store. He has to be with her at all times and loves her to death. His dad isn’t in his life and I know this must contribute to it. He’s such a sweet little boy though, and he says he loves us all so much, but he doesn’t act like it. He acts like an animal more than my little four year old brother and I’m getting sick of it. I don’t know what to do. I want to be a good older sister but I can only handle so much. Any advice is appreciated, but I’ve probably done everything anyone could think of to tell me.

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    • Jo

      Hi there, First of all I am not a Dr or specialist so please only take my advice as just someone who is living with a very similar situation. My son is now 6 and since he was a baby I have always seen “aggression” and “unusual” behaviour and now at 6 violent “meltdowns” over sometimes the most minor of things. For example if I ask him to put shoes on and he can’t find one he will scream punch in own head punch a wall refuse to go out, cry, hurl himself on his bed and it can take atleast 30 mins if not an hour to calm him down even after the shoe has been found or another pair has been offered. he has been expelled from school for biting and hitting other kids and running away. we finally had a meeting with the school 6 months ago and the behavioural pysh team came down and assessed him, we then were referred to a paed and he was diagnosed with ADHD nd Autism. he is what they call “high functioning” but autistic none the less. Having the diagnosis was very daunting at first. The belief that he would grow out of it was now smashed and I assumed the worst, he would always be wiled and scream etc…but in reality it’s been wonderful to actually know why. He isn’t bad, naughty or evil lol he can’t help it, he can’t control his emotions. Sensory overloading is a biggy for him. But he doesn’t have the vocab to say hey mummy i am feeling overwhelmed and I can’t think right now…as a six year old his way of communicating that is by screaming throwing himself etc. It is my job as his mum to pick up on cues and to allow him a safe place to thrash it out or a way for him to reduce the overwhelming feelings and to calm him down. we have OT’s on board now that are teaching him how to “behave” appropriately at home and at school and giving him options for when he feels he can’t cope. Using a weighted blanket, fiddle toys like a little bit of blue tac in his hand to fiddle with calms him alot. It took me 6 years to get someone to listen to my concerns so I do understand your situation but you need to chat with your mum and insist you have him assessed for autism/aspergers. Once you have a diagnosis the whole dynamic of parenting and playing/teaching will change but it will be a positive one. we still get melt downs but my husband and I know now what not to do, and how to help and so does his teachers which is fantastic for our whole family as well as him. Best of luck from Australia xx

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  81. Susan

    My oldest granddaughter is 10 her brother is 8 and she has 4 younger siblings.
    The son pretty much had the rule of the house until a year ago. During that time son would get away with what ever, hitting, teasing, whining, alwyas someone elses fault, and daughter would have to be the good one, the older one, the more mature one. Parents finally enacted a rule of no touching and have pretty much enforced it, but my grand daughter seems to be the one always in her room have a half hour tantrum that parents just keep adding grounded days to. This is insane. What needs to be done. A concerned Maternal Grand Mother!

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    • Susan

      In addition the younger siblings are all girls, age 6, 4, 2 and 4 months old.

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  82. Brittany

    My son is 2 1/2 years old! He only says about 10 words (we have him in speech) I had a speech problem when I was a kid. He gets really frustrated bc he can’t communicate we’ll with us. He is so smart it’s scary he understands everything we say to him! Here lately his tantrums have been getting worse and worse he will be so sweet then all of a sudden he will hit you in the face, bit,kick scream throw things I have tried everything with him time out, spanking him, talking to him, ignoring him everything!!! I figured it was normal terrible twos but my family thinks other wise! I have a 6 month old and I’m so scared he is going to hurt her during one of his episodes he goes to daycare a couple of days of week to get interaction with other kids the teacher says he don’t act like this at school! I’m really to my breaking point I just want my sweet baby boy back! He tries so hard to talk but it don’t come out clear! Me and my family knows what he’s saying or wants 99% of the time but if we ever don’t know what he wants he goes crazy! His tantrums never last long but they are always sever! He also just turns from sweet to mean for no reason all the time I don’t know what to do please any advice would be so greatly appreciated! I’m worn out mentally from trying everything it’s gotten so bad I can’t even take him any where from fear and embarrassment!!! Please help I’m so worried

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    • Julie Frede

      You are not alone! My Son who is now seven shared a lot of the behaviors are describing and some that are even worse. This continued for years until we finally had the diagnosis of ADHD and ODD-oppositional defiant disorder. I noticed something different from the time he was two-he never listened!! I tried time outs ignoring spanking redirecting rewards & punishments. Nothing worked and I constantly felt like a complete failure. He lashed out and hit us when he was upset and was destructive to anything and everything. That being said, it is normal to have tantrums–but not to the point of not being able to go places. We couldn’t go places either!
      Looking back there is a list of behaviors that I noticed right away that were not average and even though doctors won’t diagnose issues like these usually until they’re older –there are signs even when they’re young. The first place to start is the pediatrician but be warned I think a lot of them just write it off as stressed-out mom’s– perhaps you have a different experience but that was mine. If you think there is an issue you are probably right and you should pursue answers until you figure out the best way to help him.

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      • H

        Hi Julie,
        May I ask what the doctors recommended for your son?

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    • Jessie Lynne

      My 2.5 year old daughter is exactly the same. She started self harming tantrums today.

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  83. Lori

    My son is a year and 9months lately he has been throwing trantums like every day when this happens during the day when it is just us and his little brother I ignore him and he stops and I speak to him after and tell him that he can’t get angry like that and needs to use his words and then I tell him to be a big boy shake it off and we go about our day but when his dad gets home if he doesn’t get his way with something he screams for a long time and his dad yells makes him cry more I tell him not to do that because its going to make it worse to just ignore him until he stops he says I’m wrong and then his nana comes in and says really loud “why are you crying??” And makes him cry more and then they give into him and tell me I’m not doing it right. I have spoke to his dr and she told me not to give in just let him cry of course check on him and I do that I lay him on the floor and walk away come back in two mins and if he is still crying I walk away again and he will come talk to me but its like totally different when his dad is home he freaks out now he doesn’t hurt himself or throw anything but his cry is so loud it hurts your ears loud and now his dad says I spoil him but I really dont he does I’m just wondering what else I can do? I’ve tried talking to his dad about the way he handles him but he is so stubborn I guess the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

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    • Lavern

      My husband is the same way my son is two years old and cries, kicks and screams when I am trying to dress him he hates wearing anything big or long sleeved and will not wear the sneakers that I purchased him but will agree to wear his crocs. I pick and choose battles with him but when he throws his tantrums my husband yells at him and tells him to shut up, he will pick our son up and put him on the bed away from him which doesn’t help because if he see’s his dad acting aggressively it powers his crying and tantrums even more. Sometimes it’s so hard I feel like I’m carrying the load of raising a child alone when it comes to his emotions, it’s really tough I can’t even put into words how frustrating life is but I find that prayer helps get me through really rough days. We stay in a 2nd floor apartment and have had the courtesy cop called on us due to my son’s tantrums and just overall toddler behavior. Smh.

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  84. Aline

    Hi,
    My son is 5.5. He looks older for his age as he is big and really strong. And since he was around 2, he knew about his strength and he bullied his older brother who is now 10. I always had a problem with his tantrums but now it is getting worse and worse. He hits, screams, kicks, spits, breaks, bites, he says I hate you and I want to hit you with “something” and sometimes throws himself on the floor. He is not afraid off getting hurt during his tantrums. The last tantrum happened few minutes ago when we were at MacDonald and we’re about to leave then he decided to buy a toy and we said “no, you can’t buy a toy today, you have just had one from the kids meal” all the episode occurred in front of people and he was dragging me orchid father with a very aggressive behaviour that we both got hurt from him. He gets angry easily and whenever we say” I don’t have ice-cream, or no you can’t have this, or any negative answer that it may not satisfy him”. He is very loving when he is calm, very intelligent and has a strong personality, but extremely stubborn and decisive. We don’t know what to do anymore, I used all ways with him, from trying to deviate his attention from what he wants, to timeouts that never worked, to punishments like no TV or video games, I even threatened him about calling the police because his behaviour is absolutely unacceptable. By the way, I see that his behaviour gets worse wen he plays on the tablet or the ps2. Usually, my kids are not allowed to play any video games during the week, and I tend to cancel them when they deserve a punishment and for an extended time like 2 weeks and more. His tantrums worsen when he is tired or hungry, but nothing is working with him. Please your help is totally appreciated. Thank you in advance.

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    • Jenn

      Aline,
      Hello. I am amazed by how similar your situation is to mine. It is comforting to know I’m not alone in my concern about my child’s severe tantrums. My son is also 5 with an older brother who is 10. My oldest son has rarely had tantrums, so it has been so upsetting that my youngest has such extreme tantrums. He often hits himself in the head when he gets mad or threatens to hit me. Like your son he can be so sweet, funny and is very intelligent. Yet he can turn so quickly from sweet to angry. Like your son, if we say no to anything he will get furious. Sometimes I chose not to go places with him because he can be so mean to others and have a major meltdown no matter where we go. It can be exhausting and embarrassing. I worry about bringing him to a doctor for this because I do not feel he needs medication and for other concerns as well. If I find anything that helps with my child I will post it in hopes of helping others like yourself.

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      • gena

        WOW!! Both of your stories mirror my experiences with my 5 yr old son. He has been expelled from several schools for his behavior. I have even sent him to a behavior modification program, neurologist, psychiatrist, and therapist still no results. I have recently adopted the help from an organization in my area who helps with children with behavioral and emotional issues. I am so drained I have so much anxiety and depression because I feel like im failing from helping my son. He mainly has his tantrums when he is school. the diagnosis I have been given is anxiety and ADHD. I have tried medications and all and at this point im convinced nothing will ever help. I am now staring the process of getting evaluated by the child study team as he will be starting kindergarten in the fall. I am so worried for him and just hope this situation gets better in the very near future.

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    • April

      My son is 5 and he is just like your son my his older brother turned 7 years old in July my 5 year old will be 6 years old he he is perfect at school but throws horrible fits at home and starting to throw tantrums in public place one day he couldn’t get his way in a restaurant and pushed me I almost fell and I bumped into a lady it was very embarrassing then he’s always fighting with his older brother yelling screaming hitting throwing toys at him kick all the above he use to bite him really bad it makes me feel so defeated frustrated I’ve tried everything time outs he will be very disruptive the whole timeout stomp his feet say bad things no one likes me everyone hates me I’m stupid I tell him no your wrong we love you and just would like you to calm down every dinner time its miserable he throws tantrums even if he likes the food and at anytime I say no to something he yells screams cries or tries to break my things he can also get his 12 year old sister on the grown pulls her hair hits her she has disorders herself so its very hard on her my youngest is 14 months he fans from him and screams because he doesn’t want him to pinch or do something to him and every morning he complains and wont put just any clothes on if he dont like them we’ve tried positive reinforcement star charts rewards spankings nothing works I’m thinking of taking to a behavior health clinic but unsure because it only happens outside of school I don’t even know what to expect is this normal he throws tantrums daily

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    • Mom2Nine

      There is a parenting book called BACK IN CONTROL by Gregory Bodenhammer. It is sold on Amazon.com. The author is a former LAPD officer. The advice is incredible, there is no spanking, no time outs, no grounding. The book seems like it is for teenagers, but really it applies to any child of any age. A psychologist recommended this book for my son when he was 5 years old, and completely out of control. Turned out he had extreme ADHD. That child is now 27 years old and turned out just fine! He is very successful in life and I owe it to this book!

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  85. Sara

    My son who is almost 4 years, has started these terrible tantrums. When ever I ask him to take a nap or pick up his toys he screams at the top of his lungs, starts thrashing on the floor, bangs his head (not all the time but twice today during both tantrums, Once when we had to go home and once when I told him it was time for a nap) and hits things and tries to hit me. After he turned three we had these issues but not as serious and took him to the doctor and she said he was just “spoiled”. I try time outs and taking toys away but it doesn’t seem to work anymore and I’m at my witts end. Any advice would be wonderful!

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    • aNNET

      My daughter is 3 and does that. She will hit her head or say her legs are broken so I can pick her up and she acts it out too where she would fall to the ground. I have no clue what to do about this either im sorry I couldn’t be anymore help

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  86. Tori

    My toddler is 21 months old. He is extremely defiant, headstrong, whatever you would like to call it. His father and I have never been together but it has never affected my son(Jace) as we get along very well. Just a little background for you. He throws 30 minute to hour long “fits” which include thrashing and crying so hard he almost vomits as well as yelling, kicking, hitting, and almost growling at me. Nothing calms him, except for his grandmother who he usually yells for when he is upset. Nothing can snap him out of his anger fit. I’ve tried everything, including talking to him and telling him i understand he is frustrated and why, I’ve tried spanking him because he got so violent the other day which completely unaffected him. I’m extremely concerned something more serious is going on and his pediatrician seems to not believe me and tells me, “tantrums are normal” which is true when they last no more than 10 minutes but this is just too intense for too long. I’m at my breaking point and could really use some insight.

    -Tori

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    • stella

      My grandson that ive been watching since he was born , gona be 3 in feb. Is same way …do u have any pets well becareful..ive caught him trying to poke my dogs with whatever he has…he almost took my dogs eye out …tries poking them with needles..waiting for him to grow out of it is all I can do…and one other thing is it hard for youto get him to eat ..very difficult for me!!

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    • Della

      My granddaughter had awful tantrums. But her parents and I made a pact, we held strong together and kept with the time outs, prayer helped us stay strong. We made a rule that the only one who could let her out of the timeout was the one who put her in it. We never deviated from that. Two years later her tantrums happen on a monthly basis not a Dailey one. Your case could be entirely different, but I wanted to give you hope. You MUST stay strong though and never ever give in.

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      • Thank you for this wise and empathic reply. Very sound advice from someone who knows.

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  87. Debbie

    My 5 year old little girl is having more and more tantrums over the silliest of things, it’s occurring most days now, its generally if something is not just right, ie her hair, she will say can I have it the same as yesterday ( and if she’s not in the right mood) nothing can be right!!! She will cry and you can see the frustration in her, on occasions she has scratched herself (for a reaction I believe), most of the time I try to ignore it or talk calmly but I find talking can make it worse, on a few occasion where she has scratched herself it’s made me cry and as soon as she sees this she stops and comforts me any advise if this is normal? Many thanks

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    • Anne

      Hi, my granddaughter is the same, she is good at school, she lives with her mum (my daughter) who is a single mum, we have helped as much as we could, she is 6 now and still having outbursts about the slightest thing, her clothes aren’t right, her hairs not right, her socks, knickers aren’t right, doesn’t want to wear certain shoes, even when it’s cold, it’s causing friction between my husband (who is not the father of my daughter) and me, we have been to the docs 3 times but he thinks she is fine, just a phase she will grow out of, don’t know what to do,

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  88. teagan

    I’m 36 weeks pregnant and my son has very bad tantrums. He head bangs and won’t stop till he hurts himself. My husband and I noticed when he was young that he would have a fit when putting on shoes and his jacket, but the last month or so his tantrums are getting beyond dangerous. Please help me …

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    • teagan

      Please if someone could help me out I would be very grateful. I’m a very soft hearted person and I need help.

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      • Italia

        I spoke to my Pediatrician about this. My son started to hit himself in the head when he was frustrated, tired, embarrassed. and the Dr said that because he currently can’t express his feelings, that’s how he does it. Sometimes he also does it to get my attention. This article fails to say that tantrums are part of childhood and usually are not the only SYMPTOM that we should look to diagnose them as ADHD, depressed etc. kids are kids and they have short attention spans, lots of energy etc. Drs are quick to diagnose that there is something wrong with them just because they are being kids. Some have more energy than others, Some are more sensitive than others, some are the opposite but it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with them. We should stop expecting kids to behave like adults. Anyway, my only advice I could give you is what I do with my son, I divert his attention to something else when possible, I hold him and kiss him and sometimes I ignore the behaviour up to a point. I usually kneel down to his height and hold him too and talk to him about how it is not nice for him to hit himself. He is a smart boy and I know that when he is able to talk, this tantrums accompanied by hitting himself will subside. One more thing, my son will throw tantrums too when we tried to put his jacket/ shoes/diaper etc. it is the only way they can show some independence. Hang in there and try to make it fun, eventually he will let you on his own and his own terms. Don’t worry momma, your child is normal, he is going through strong emotions that he doesn’t know how to express and handle, nor he is experienced with them. Above all, It shall pass too, that’s for sure.

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        • Tikia

          Thanks for your encouragement, it can be stressful to read about tantrums and the only thing you keep reading is that , something is wrong with your child. I know my child is normal and I will take your advice and make it the best way I can until it passes.

          I thank you again

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    • Lindsay

      Teagan,

      Bless you…I found this website because my almost 5-year-old is having extreme tantrums. I hope you and your new little one are healthy. If it helps at all my daughter’s behavior was worse when I was pregnant with my second and for a bit after the new baby came. All will be ok. It’s good to share our worries. Thinking about you and wishing you well!

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  89. Laura

    I have a six year old daughter, I’m a single mom and she is an only child. She’s such a sweet girl and really smart, but she has so many tantrums in school/day camp that she’s becoming a problem for everyone. They happen constantly. She is not aggressive or violent at all, but if she does not get her way she will scream and cry usually 5 or more times a day. She disrupts the entire class.

    She is ahead of her class a bit academically, but not to the point where she’s bored all the time. When she’s with me this almost never happens. She always wants the teachers attention and gets really upset if she gets interrupted. Her fits usually last only about 10 minutes, but they happen so often it’s becoming more and more of a problem. I know part of it is that she’s an only child, but she’s been in school/pre-k since she was four. This is her third week of day camp and the counselors are doing their best. Obviously I work more than I would like, but other than that I spend my time with her. She definitely has some attention span issues which I am bringing her to counseling and trying the suggestions they give me, but since she’s usually really good with me it’s hard to tell what’s really working.

    I do not spank her and never have. When she’s with me time-outs work fine, but they tried it at school and she ended up spending most of the day in the principals office. When I bring her to and from day camp they ask me if I have any suggestions, but I really am not that much help to them.

    She does have trouble making friends because she always wants the other kids to watch her and do things a certain way. She has a tendency to tell on other kids a lot if they don’t follow the rules. Sorry this is long but I really need some useful advice.

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    • Elizabeth

      Does the school have a mentoring program? Its helpful to have an adult staff member meet with her on a regular basis to give her additional attention. The staff member would meet with her just to give her some additional one on one time to hang out and vent. Sometimes a silent hand signal between teacher/staff members and your daughter helps so she can let the teacher know when she needs a break without disrupting the class. It sometimes helps if kids can bring a comforting item to school with them like a family picture or a small stuffed animal that they can “visit” in their backpack to remind them of home and comforting environments. It can be time consuming for the teacher but there is a method where the teacher does a check in with her every ten minutes the entire day. During that check in, the teacher would give your daughter one minute (or more if necessary) to say whatever is on her mind. This time is undivided attention so she feels she is being heard. Also, there is a level of anxiety that might be present that you should consider. Try to collect information about her triggers, moments of the day in particular that are difficult, other peers around her, etc. Could her diet or blood sugar levels be an issue? Self help/soothing methods might be great to teach her at home (giving herself a hug, counting down from a number until she feels calm, etc.) so she can be an active part in the solution. There are also tons of positive behavior plans that are helpful too to focus on the good points in her day which look like a slip of paper she could bring home on a daily/weekly basis so you can provide her with positive rewards/encouragement at home.

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    • Chris Hall

      I am a single dad and I have the very same issues almost to the letter, she is 5 and problems at preschool is that when nap times roll around she throws tantrums by not going to sleep just scrreaming loud to get her way. I always talk to the staff to follow up but nothing is working. She makes me so furious I have to step back because i feel like spanking her which sometimes I do. I know she knows better but she has a thing for not listening or following orders. I have to work on this quickly and aggressively because I dont want her to get kicked out of kindergarten. My daughter figures she can get her way she will run you over and not listen but she only does it with the nice teachers. I f you figure it out can i borrow your advice….Chris

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      • Cindy

        Why on earth are 5 year olds napping at school? I’m shocked. Im in Canada. My kids stopped napping before 3. Seems very odd. I am not judging you but spanking will backfire. It creates more fear and anxiety in the child and teaches that it is ok for adults to hit kids. The calmer and more gentle you are – and communicate with words not spanking – the more you show your child that that is the way to behave. They are counting on you to be in control. This is the long game and I know it may not even sound practical but hang in there and please don’t spank.

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  90. Joanne

    My son who’s now 16 has had anger issues from the age of two. When I gave birth to his sister he became jealous started to hit out at me for a while, he was only 18 months old at the time…from reaching 2-3 he started to have very bad tantrums when he got tired, he would smack his head full whack against doors, walls, concrete floors, as you can imagine this terrified me and I would react to make him stop, after a good year of watching him do this and seeing the massive bumps on his head I saw the health visiter and she told me to ignore him no matter how hard that would be because he was doing it for attention…so I tried it and wham! It worked he did not get a reaction so he stopped but moved on through the next 7 years crying, kicking doors, screaming and making his self suffer migraines and being sick when he got tired or his sleep pattern altered.

    When he turned 10 I allowed my partner to move in with me and my two children and he began to act badly towards this, his tantrums began getting worse, he started throwing objects and being completely out of character having no respect and rude, as the years went on his tantrums became more and more verbally abusive towards myself and my partner, he has put holes in many of my doors and walls, and the only change I can pin point all this to is his sleep pattern. I could be completely wrong to why he behaves the way he does it can happen every 3 month or 6…I normally can see a few days before him becoming more agitated and ready for a argument over anything and know he will go in to a massive tantrum at some point.

    Today I came home from work to find out he did not like one of our rules and decided to punch my partner and put a hole in his bedroom door. He also punched the kitchen wall when I got home just telling me…his hand was all cut open!

    I really do feel there is something that triggers these attacks…he’s a very polite, respectful and a good person 99% of the time. He’s praised by schools and his work for his personality and manner, how respectful he is, so why does he behave so out of character on these occasions? What should I do?

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    • Rob

      Have you ever talked to your pediatrician about this issue? This could be the sign of a very serious mental health problem. You and your child should be evaluated by a child psychologist as soon as possible. With all due respect, you should have taken these steps many years ago. You should stop reading this website and find a mental health professional to help you with this serious issue right now.

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  91. Interesting

    I am not a young parent nor old but I have noticed a kid will act extreme if their parents are extreme. My dad beat the hell out of me he also called it spanking and he got my scary side back in return. You can’t spank and child out of a tantrum lmao……….next time you are mad let a cop smack you around and see if it changes your thinking or would it make it worse. If I have a worker acting out and I could just walk up to him and smack him around legally, I would have worse worker…period. I can’t go smacking around any adult legally without law enforcement getting involved. What make you people think can smack a defenseless toddler to get them to understand you???????????

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    • michelle

      Couldnt have said it better myself!!!! You cant teach a child not to hit someone, if you go around “spanking” your kid!

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      • michelle

        “TEACH” NOT REACH LOL!

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  92. stephanie

    my 2 and a half year old niece has started to throw major tantrums in the past few weeks. the past few days have been especially bad. she refuses to go to bed, wakes up in the night multiple times (not upset, just wanting to get up and run around and play), will destroy things (toys, books, other objects) when she is in the midst of a tantrum, screams and yells, back talks, hits, kicks, etc. we’ve tried everything from spanking, to time outs, to taking away her toys and nothing is helping. she’s very smart and at first we thought it was out of being bored, but we’ve been doing more activities with her, taking her outside to play, trying to engage her in playing with her toys (as opposed to trying to play with everything in the kitchen, etc that she’s not supposed to be touching), trying to be more one on one with her. she is also prone to putting everything (non edible) in her mouth. from rocks and paper to soaps and shampoos. we’re constantly having to watch where we keep things to make sure she can’t get a hold of them and we’re always telling her to keep stuff out of her mouth. now, I realize it’s normal for toddlers to put things in their mouths, but she’s taking it to a new level. she constantly chews on/sucks on baby wipes if she can get her hands on one. just this morning she decided to dump some sort of cooking oil all over the kitchen floor and then proceed to cover it with every spice she could get her hands on. punishing her for such things has done very little good. she doesn’t listen at all. just screams at you or tells you to leave her alone. and then tries to run from you. any suggestions would be great. her mom is prone to saying “she’s 2” as a default statement about the way she’s been acting. but she’s becoming out of control. I am concerned that there might be a bigger, underlying issue. I moved in with them about a month ago. and she doesn’t act this way with me when I’m babysitting her. she only goes into her melt downs after her mom or dad come home from work. thank you for your help.

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    • alina

      Have you gotten any answers from the specialists? Am going trough something similar, my 2 1/2 year old girl is having very bad screeming tantrums. The problem is she screems and cries hysterical for over 30 or 40min, doesn’t stop with nothin, no talking, time out or punishment works. We’ve try time out in the sofa until she stops and she’s being there for 45min or more. It could haven over anything, some days more than others, she can have very good days, and mostly when her dad is home or leaves. She has always been very, very active, her doctor send her already to a specialist for “very strong actitude” at about 13mth, but he just said that we needed to discipline her and let her cry or whatever until she stopped, but even he admited she was very strong when in his office she tried to get something not allowed and was placed at the stroller to calm down and didn’t during the entire consultation. Am not sure what to do anymore, we’ve tried everything on this sites, but on those days nothing works…

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      • Angela

        Have you considered a food allergy? My kids are usually really well behaved, but if they have had food coloring, they suddenly have crazy tantrums. Just something to consider.

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      • Quanita

        I feel somewhat relieved by reading all these posts I honestly thought I was alone in this battle. It is rather embarrassing and extremely frustrating and I find I have to remove myself from the situation more often lately as I just cant deal anymore. Knowing that I’m not alone helps a bit somewhat, all articles that I have read so far suggests getting help as there could be an underlying problem… Does that not scare the c*** out of you moms?

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  93. Squiggysmom

    My daughter is in a relationship with a wonderful man who has shared custody, with his ex, of his two boys, ages 6 and 4. Over the year that they have been together, the 6-year-old’s behavior has become a sore point in an otherwise almost perfect relationship. He rarely obeys his father, who often gives in to him to prevent his behavior from escalating. He throws tantrums over the slightest attempt to parent him. He screams to watch TV past his bedtime, and his father will finally give in. His school teachers say he is out of control in class, ignoring their attempts to get him to stay in his seat, or participate in class. The latest incident happened at his mother’s home, and was the most alarming. After refusing to settle down to sleep one evening, over an extended period of time, he was jumping on the bed, then purposely urinated on the bed, laughing hyterically when his mother became angry. It seems every day there is a new incident of this kind. He is not violent with others, he just doesn’t seem able to control himself. His parents are beginning to fear there may be underlying mental problems, and are at their wit’s end.

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    • PB

      The answer is in your post. The parents give in to avoid a tantrum. The child knows that if he tantrums, he gets what he wants. The only problem here is the parents, who are weak and ineffective; if they disciplined him properly, there would be no issue.

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  94. Amy

    I don’t know what to do anymore with my Son. He turned 2 December 31st. He’s always been a difficult baby. But now his behavior has become hard to handle, to the point that it puts me in tears of frustration and I feel badly for him because he obviously feels bad.

    He is smart and talks well. But he hits, scratches, pinches and bites me, his Dad, his older siblings and is mean to his 14 month old Brother all the time. He pushes him down every chance he gets, lays on him, bites him, pinches him, takes every thing away from him, throws anything and everything he can get his hands on when he is upset. He has now learned the F word and says it all the time. He says F you to all of us constantly and even very loud and clearly in public places. And is afraid of most new places. Tries to destroy things on purpose at home and in public.

    I’m so tired of the disapproving judgmental things people say and the evil looks that they give him and me. He always wakes up in the night and will cry, talk and even hit me in the face in his sleep. He sleeps with me and will not go to sleep unless I lay next to him. He purposely bites his hands, bangs his head. I need help!

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    • Debbie

      I am going through the same exact issue with my 3 year old daughter. She will be 4 in October. My husband and I have been going through these issues with her since she turned 2. She will scream, bite herself till she bleeds or attack her siblings by scratching, biting or hitting. She will try to damage things nearby or throw items or toys. She will scream so loud till your ears hurt. Spanking her lightly or giving her discipline does not work neither does time out work and she also learned the F word too and screams it. She heard some guy outside say it. She will talk out loud and when I tell her to try and be a little quiet and she will get even louder. It is embarrassing when she has a tantrum in public. People think or tell us why can’t you handle your child. She bounces off the walls, won’t sit still, makes messes and tears up stuff, and wants to eat constantly. I think she may have some traits of ADHD and ODD but have to have her tested. ADHD runs in the family on both sides and I am at my ends wit and don’t know what to do.

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      • Julie Frede

        My son displayed everything you describe and he does not have autism-but he was diagnosed with adhd and odd. He was aggressive with us or other children who challenged him. He’s an only child so he had no one to act out against except us and the house. He was constantly eating bouncing off the walls and had no volume control. Day cares or private preschools could not handle him and eventually I had to stop working to stay home with him. He never ever tired. Speak with your pediatrician who can refer you to a pediatric neurologist or neuropsychologist for testing. Years later with a diagnosis, early intervention preschool medication & some creative parenting-things are a lot better. It will get better. I used to be embarrassed of some of the behaviors in public until my sister told me to stop worrying if everyone else thought I was a good mom and to only worry if my son thought i was a good mom. With that perspective you will be able to ignore the idiots who have the nerve to look or comment!!

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    • Heather

      I know it’s been a few months since you posted this, but that sounds like autism. My son was recently assessed and put on the spectrum. My son has some of these behaviors, and doesn’t qualify as autistic, but those behaviors you described combined would have constituted as autism in that assessment. I don’t know if you have had him assessed, but he would benefit enormously from the resources available from your doctor (even if he doesn’t have autism).

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  95. erica

    Hi, I have a 6 year old daughter has been having a lot of fits lately and I just realized there has been a pattern every Thursday she wakes up and starts up with her fit — first it’s not the right clothes or her hair is not done right or she didn’t want her back pack touched then she doesn’t want to go to school. Last week was the hardest for me. We went out to a nice place to eat I asked both of my kids what they would like, I triple checked to make sure I ordered the right food, but when the food came my daughter went off — she started to scream and cry so we packed up the food and went to the car. We get to the car and she started to kick and slap me all the way home. She did this including started hitting her brother when he was trying not to pay attention to her. I don’t understand why she does it. She’s will be fine one second and then poof the switch happens and there’s nothing I have tryed that works any ideas, please? I’m willing to listen and do anything.

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    • jena

      That sounds like something is not right beside her attitude. I knew some one else going through something similar. It wasn’t a disorder. A teacher was doing bad stuff. I would check in to everything.

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    • Anne

      What you are describing are behaviors that some exhibit as a symptom of OCD. I would take her to a doctor and have them rule that out. She may not be able to control or cope with the variations in her environment.

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  96. Mia

    I’m a student care teacher in a primary school. I have a total of 34 children in the class, with a help of an assistant teacher. I have a child who has hearing difficulties which I will named him A , and the other child who always throws tantrum which I will name B. B will always hit himself (punch the chair, hit his head, scratch himself) if I do not come to him. He yearns for my attention and always tells me he loves me. He even tell his parent about getting married to me. I had a talk with the parents, but the dad assumed he was just being silly. I’m afraid it might affect his prolonged life. What should I do?

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    • Rae

      This sounds like something not right may be going on at home. If he is spending everyday with you, it’s not unusual for him to gain an attachment, but this almost seems like it is bordering on an inappropriate attachment. Between that and his tantrum behavior, it may be that he is not getting the proper attention at home, or primarily gets negative attention. Children with inappropriate attachments are sometimes abused or neglected. Combined with the fact that he hurts himself, he may be an unhappy little child and there is probably a reason for it.

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  97. carmon

    Dear Meg, your son may very well be looking for a response. I get the same feeling from my grandson, whom my daughter and son in-law refuse to spank. Its as if he’s saying. “Tell me somehow that what im doing is wrong!” I’ve actually read about some children snd even teens thst are not disciplined in anyway wish that they were.

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    • L

      There are MANY other ways to redirect bad behaviors and teach appropriate ones without spanking. As a behavioral therapist, I can assure you that they are doing a good thing by not hitting their child. Not only does spanking not teach a child to process their feeling and make good choices, but new studies show it actually inhibits specific areas of brain growth and development.

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  98. crystal

    My sons temper tantrums started just after he turned two. His temper tantrums mostly consist of him screaming and flailing. If there are people around he will either try to hit you or he will take your items and throw them. But we are also finding that he is having temper tantrums in his sleep. He will starting screaming “no, no way” in his sleep, kicking and hitting. It will last for approximately 15-30 mins, and really he can only calm himself. He won’t wake up if we try to wake him.

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    • rebecca

      The night time thing sounds like night terrors, my little girl has these really badly. Dont think its connected to her daytime tantrums :)

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  99. refilwe

    My daughter is almost three, but her tantrums started from an earlier age — just after she was a year old. I kept hoping that she would improve and tried to exercise as much patience as possible. She hits, bites and spits on us. She hits us with anything from her fists to the nearest object she can get her hands on. She smashes things glasses plates phones remotes whatever she can get her hands on. She throws things out of the closet, pours water on them, snaps my specs in half. She almost broke the car windscreen yesterday throwing my phone at it because I said no to ice cream.

    It’s always difficult to go out in public with her, we want to but end up not only wounded but embarrassed. She is potty trained during the day and yesterday on her best behavior she started creche model toddler at school, but as soon as we picked her up she pees on me twice and while her tantrum was full blown was peeing on everyone pulling hairs.

    I feel like I am pulling at straws here because there is so much that goes on. I don’t know where to start or how to finish. It has gotten so bad that as much as I try to keep my cool I have ended spanking her on one too many occasions and realize that I may have only made matters worse.

    She is my first child and I am failing her somehow. Please help me. It makes me miserable that I can’t calm my own daughter or teach her to be well mannered as she grows. I am well aware that bribery also makes matters worse but sometimes it’s like I don’t have a choice. Imagine at the mall just to keep from breaking off from me and running into a road full of cars. Or dropping things in a shop isle that I can’t afford. I could go on but I cannot go on. How can I want to work late when I think of my daughter’s tantrums, mostly unreasonable and unprovoked, instead of going home!!! Please help me.

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    • Jess

      refilwe
      I have a 5 year old daughter who is a complete brat as soon as she walks thru the door. But at her PTO meetings you would think that I have a different child switching places with her in school. I am told she is polite helpful w others and never not one time even made them think she was anything other than the best behaved in the class. She screams and stomps throws things hits her lil sister and brother that’s not even scratching the surface. If you find anything out could you please let me know by posting back to this. I am at the end of my rope w it.

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  100. Meg

    My two year old hits everybody out of frustration. My husband and I are starting to get really concerned. I feel as if he knows better but is looking for a response from us. He typically has 20-30 outbreaks in a day. I am not sure if this is related but he was 10 weeks premature and he did have a level 2 bleed on both sides of the brain. The doctors could not tell us if he might have a delay in life and it is just something to watch out for. Could this be the cause of his outbreaks? Does he not know how to process his feelings? I need help!!!!

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    • Tina

      He’s 2 — I really recommend you get him evaluated and get some services for him .. speech therapy does WONDERS. Really saved our little one.

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    • carmon

      Dear Meg, your son may very well be looking for a response. I get the same feeling from my grandson, whom my daughter and son in-law refuse to spank. Its as if he’s saying. “Tell me somehow that what im doing is wrong!” I’ve actually read about some children snd even teens thst are not disciplined in anyway wish that they were.

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      • Dana

        It would seem to me that you have an issue with your daughter and son-in-law refusing to spank your grandson. I say this because this is the second time I’ve seen this response from you.

        You do realize that you don’t have to spank someone to discipline them, don’t you? I’m not even an anti-spanker, but spanking should always be a last response. Otherwise, you’re just beating your children.

        As an aside you’re giving this advice to people who clearly have children with behavioral and neurological issues. My kid has autism. She has meltdowns. She also doesn’t understand emotions. She has no empathy. So, if I was to suscribe to what you’re alluding to, when she has a meltdown, I should spank her? Well, first, she wouldn’t understand why- so then I’m abusing her. Second, she has a high threshold to pain, which is normal with autism- which again, would mean I would have to hit her harder for her to feel it. Does it sound like spanking is appropriate in this situation? I certainly hope you’d say no.

        I’ve looked thru these comments. This lady that you responded to on this? Her child had bleeds on the brain. There was talk of delays. Do you understand that if she were to spank this child, that she’s possibly spanking a child with a disability?

        I hope you are able to read what I say and understand that the conversation you’re trying to have has no bearing on the conversation these people in here are having about their children.

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        • Jennybee

          Dana, I’m so glad you responded. I’m not against spanking in the right situations, but this lady clearly has a problem with the way her grandkids are raised and she’s projecting it on everyone else.

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        • angel

          hello, I have a question for Dana. You spoke of your child being autistic? what were the signs that took you to get a diagnosis? was it obvious? I have read about different types of autism, but have not got a clinical diagnosis. My fiancé and I have lived together for over 3 years now and for the last 2 and a half of those his daughter, which is 7 now, has lived with us. Her bio- mom has had no contact with her for around 11 months, except once by an accidental run in at a family members home. I, we; know that this has been extremely difficult for her, and some days are good, and others are like “a switch” flips and she has terrible screaming throw down tantrums, over something as little as not getting a piece of gum! A meltdown is what the elementary school she attends call it. She is very intelligent, sometimes too smart; she has excelled in her academics, except when she flat out doesn’t want to do something. she was an only child until shortly before she came to live with us. Turns out she was the one getting up with her little brother in the mornings most days to keep him company while mom slept., she was 4 he was 8 months. So, I know that her bio-mom was kind of, without being mean; not being a good mother, but she misses her mom, and I try to be a good step mother to her, not to take her moms place; but to show her love, guidance, respect to herself and others, and her father works a lot but is very involved with her too., I was attending college but had to put that on the back burner for now. some weeks I will get called to come get her from school because she is SCREAMING and crying to the point that all of the other classes are being disrupted. and when throwing these fits she is repetitive. she will say the same thing over and over, even trying to give her a time out, she will say I don’t want a time out and scream and kick doors. almost, again like a switch is flipped and cant get turned off, no matter how much you try to talk to her to calm her. most times, its around 45-60 minutes, then we talk about it, usually its being grounded from toys, cartoons etc… she finishes her time out, and when her time is up; she comes up to her dad or I, apologizes; but she often doesn’t seem to be able to say what she is apologizing for, even after talking things over..? Then, she will be jolly, like it is playtime and she forgets screaming like a banshee and throwing toys down the hall..? I am wondering if it could be more than just angst because of missing her mom? I guess I should note that she has had these fits with her mom also. Sometimes we got calls or texts from her mom at midnight to come get her early for the scheduled weekend visit because she would be throwing these same fits, and she just couldn’t take it anymore. I think that all the times that her mom gave in just made these fits worse, poor lack of judgment in parenting; but trying to break this cycle now is more complicated than it seemed it would be almost 4 years later.. Any insight?… :)

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  101. Diana

    I have an 8 year old son who is extremely fixated on watching videos and playing games. Any little thing can set him off. If I ask him to come and eat, I would have to ask several times before he finally gets up and goes to the table (with phone or tablet in hand). If I ask him to take a shower he starts swinging his arms and kicking his legs, he does not want to get off the videos.

    He has a lot of trouble going to sleep at night. His doctor recommended I give him some melatonin to help him get to sleep.

    His tantrums range from yelling to pulling his hair to calling his siblings names and that’s only at home. At school, his teachers explain to me that he is a straight A student, very bright, and reading at a grade higher, but his behavior is irrational. If things happen such as getting a question wrong, or not being picked to answer the question, or not being first in line he will throw a fit. He starts pushing furniture around to throwing folders or pencils. He has actually punched students and kicked his coaches.

    I am getting calls from school every day due to his behavior. Honestly I am surprised he has not been expelled. I don’t know what to do.

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    • liz

      Hi Diana, I have an 8 year old girl. We have similar problems. When I am having problems with her attitude and responses to us, I stop her being allowed to use any sort of TV, video game, iPad anything, and after a day or so, there is a very obvious improvement. She is well behaved and nice. I have a few theories on why it happens, but basically try restricting it to maybe one day a week, she is allowed that sort of stuff. It really helps.

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    • Mel

      Im having the same issues with my son. He’s 5 and he’s already been suspended. He has frequent tantrums when he gets reprimanded. He gets destructive, destroys property, hits other students and staff. When he gets angry like this, he xant let it go and shuts completely down. He’s on therapy but i dont think its helping. Im thinking he needs to be on some meds bc i dont know what else to do.

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  102. Tanja

    I have a 6 yr old that throws extreme tantrums. He gets really upset if his 4 yr old cousin doesn’t want to play what he wants or if his 3 yr old sister doesn’t want to play. He starts yelling in her face “well, whose going to play with me!” He gets angry if we turn off video games. Yet, for the past year, we have established game night on friday nights and only for 2 hrs at the most. Now, he knows how to get onto youtube and he goes to watch minecraft parodies and other people playing games and using bad language. So, my husband took away youtube from the upstairs computer.

    He often plays by himself at recess. Yet, he likes school but he says the day is long. He comes home speaking french or singing songs he learned in school or wanting to do Raz kids a reading program. But, his tantrums are extreme and it pushes people away and he wants people to do what he wants them to do. He often does not respond if we talk to him……how worried should I be? Is this normal for this age?

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    • Justin

      Our 5 year old has similar issues although he has friends at school and gets along well at school. home is the problem. He was watching the mind craft videos for a while on YouTube and always played the iPad. Without these he is a better kid but is still having issues with not getting his own way. He gets extremely angry has a fit and tantrum. Usually have to isolate him. He screams how he’s sorry over and over but the behaviour will just repeat itself next time he hears “no” or has to do something that he doesn’t want to.

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    • Vonnie

      I’m dealing with the exact same situation. We just had another child 2 months ago and it seems to have made the situation worse. He constantly complains no one is playing with him even if we had done so for hours and just need a break. He’s always saying “who will play with me?” When we go to family functions where it is obvious everyone is socializing. He has started acting out when we have company not listening,talking back, and acting like a crazed lunatic jumping on people. I’m at my wits end. I ended up homeschooling because he was to far ahead for k and his teacher said him answering questions and helping the other children read and count was a distraction and I needed to slow him down. He’s a very loving affectionate I just don’t know what to do about the tantrums. I ground him, take away toys and electronics once he isn’t grounded anymore he goes right back to being crazy. He also cries over everything. I feel like I’m a horrible parent

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  103. Jackie

    I have a three year old son who started to have problems sleeping about a month ago. After he started to have problems sleeping we stopped giving him naps so that he would sleep at night. Well now he hits and screams and throws things. He has started to hit me and kick me so hard that he is leaving bruises on me. I don’t know what to do with him, I’ve tried to just ignore him and I’ve tried to reason with him. He is so impossible to keep under control. This happens every day and in the middle of the night he wakes up and kicks the walls and screams like someone is killing him. What should I do?

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    • Mark

      I don’t know about the kicking, but about the nights we had the same problems. We noticed that he is really scared of the dark. We added another night light in both corners and he stopped screaming at night. Hopefully this will work on the night screaming for you guys

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  104. Patty

    Hello,
    My daughter is 5 years old, she has tantrums only at home and only towards myself and my husband. She growls, hits, screams,lays on the floor and kicks and stomps her feet. She has never done this outside the home. She wakes up in the middle of the night and acts out as well.

    At school, at grandparents and at the sitter she listens and is very polite. She has never acted out towards other children and or in public.

    We tried extra food, holding talking, time outs, taking away toys and activities, telling her we love her and she makes us sad when she yells and hits. Nothing’s helps. These tantrums last a half hour or longer. Sometimes 2-3 times a day. It is causing conflict with our 7 year old daughter and with family time.

    We are stuck and need some healthy advice.

    Thank you for your time!

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    • Andrea

      Any advice??? Sounds like my daughter :(. Im miserable with her behavior. Thank you

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  105. Alana

    My daughter is 5yrs old (turned 5 in Dec) and her temper tantrums have been getting gradually worse. I first noticed it when she was about 2-3yrs old but just chalked it up to “normal” childhood behavior. The last year her tantrums have increasingly gotten more aggressive (both physically and verbally). She throws things, bangs on walls, kicks, slams doors, etc. She also will scream and is extremely defiant at anyone who tells her something she doesn’t want to hear or when she doesn’t get her way. Yesterday, at pre-school, her class was walking down the street and she decided she wanted to step into the street and begin waving at cars. When her teacher told her to get out of the street, she had an extreme tantrum and refused to walk back to the school with her class. I was called and was told I needed to pick her up and take her home immediately. When I brought her home, her tantrum lasted most of the day. A little background on my daughter, she is the youngest of 4 children, significant age difference between her and the next youngest (son is 13), her father and I separated about 3yrs ago due to his drug use, stealing, iratic behavior, etc. Her father was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which he doesn’t take care of. He hasn’t seen his daughter in over a year and only calls her on her birthday and Christmas. I’m getting at my wits end, I really don’t know what to do. I really don’t want her all drugged up on medication.

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    • sarah

      Hello I am also having the same problem with my 5 year old daughter. I was just curious as to what advice you have received and if it helped?

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  106. Laura

    Bryanna, I feel for you and yours. I think your daughter needs to know that you are in charge of her and she is in charge of herself…together. I think you should try to take a full day of staying on her/breaking her down so you can build her back up. Below is a copy of my response to another mom who was concerned about her child’s tantrums, but I wanted to copy/paste it to you, so you could read what I tried doing yesterday with my son. It’s been very successful so far!

    I doubt this will be of much help, but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. And I know when you feel helpless, you’re more willing to try anything. I’ve been having problems with my son recently. He is 3, so he is much younger than your daughter. But he was getting out of control and the intensity and duration of his fits were increasing dramatically by the day. I was greatly concerned to the point that I thought he had a psychiatric condition. (Just a side note: both of my brothers were diagnosed and medicated for ADD and ADHD when they were little and both “outgrew” it by the time they were 10-12 years old. Just my opinion, but I think a lot of kids are misdiagnosed and then of course some kids really do need medical intervention). Anyway, yesterday (I know it’s only been one day, so there goes my credibility…) but I decided to try another tactic, because I was determined to get this under control or at least stop it from progressing.

    When my son started going into a fit, I held him on my lap and told him quietly that we’re going to talk about this. His fit went on for probably 10-15 minutes straight, screaming, flailing, trying with all his might to get away. He is strong and I struggled with him. I kept talking to him calmly and holding him to me (not hurting him, but keeping him from getting from me). I told him it’s okay to get mad, get upset, get angry. But then we need to calm down and talk about it. I told him we’re going to stay here until he calms down and we talk about it. I said I love you and care about you, we’re a team, we’re teammates, we take care of each other and we’re going to figure it out together. All of this time, I just felt like I was breaking/taming a wild horse. He ended up having to go potty, so I let him up to go. This was a good distraction to his fit, too. It changed his focus a little. When he was done, I asked if he was calm and ready to talk about it. He said he was calm, but doesn’t want to talk about it. So we kind of began again, this time he was next to me on the couch and I had him looking me in the eyes. I asked him if it was okay to be angry? He nodded, I said yes it is. I asked him if it’s okay to hit? He didn’t respond. I said no, it’s not okay to hit. It’s okay to be angry and mad or sad and have feelings, but then we have to calm down and talk about it. (I know this is repetitive…sorry about that). I asked him over and over, what do you do when you’re crying and upset? He wouldn’t respond. I said we calm down and talk about it. I told him this over and over. (Some critics may call it brain-washing, but I look at is as breaking through for the good of our child(ren).) We made a song…”When you’re crying and upset……..calm down and talk about it….” I sang it a few times. (There is a lot of good in music therapy…kids seem to respond well to it. Adults do too, which is probably why we get songs stuck in our head). I asked him again, what do you do when you’re crying and upset? He was still a bit defiant, so I had him sit in a chair and think about it. I told him he needs to learn this, it’s important and he will sit and think about it until he learns it. He began to start a new fit as soon as he sat in the chair. He did this growling scream thing he does when he’s really upset. I sang the song. Instead of a 5-10 minute screaming fit in time-out, it was greatly reduced to about 45 seconds to a minute.

    PROGRESS!

    I told him how proud I was of how he learned to calm down so fast! I told him great job! Come give me high-fives, kisses and hugs. I asked if he’s ready to talk about it. He said yes. We talked about things. I asked yet again, what do you do when you’re crying and upset? I said do you calm down and talk about it? He said yes. I said you say it now. He repeated after me. I told him I know it’s hard and praised him. I sang the song and asked him to add a part to it. He said play hotwheels. So we added that to the end. Something like “when you’re crying and upset….calm down and talk about it….and when you’re calmed down and we talk about it, you play hotwheels!…”

    When he began to go into another fit when he got upset about something else throughout the day, I reminded him of what to do and sang the song. I had him sit, he was calming down within a few seconds, I praised him for calming down so well and asked if he’s ready to talk about it. He was, we did and I was consistent with this the rest of the day. We also had some one on one play-doh play time.

    For the past few weeks before yesterday, he’d fight me on eating dinner, brushing his teeth and going to bed and various other things. Last night he didn’t fight me at all (meaning he didn’t have fits). I told him, we made a great song and you did so great today. I’m so proud of you. We sang it goofy, moving our heads goofy and he laughed about it. Again, I feel like I was breaking through his rebellion and we needed to have this power struggle to reset our relationship and what’s expected.

    Today has been going great. No problems. 100% difference/improvement!

    It was a long, tearful, but extremely productive day…so well worth it, despite the doubts I had when going through it. I very much encourage you to try something similar with your daughter, although maybe making reference about how it makes you sad to see her hurt herself…or if you’re a Christian like me, you might reference how God loves her so very much, how He put you as her Momma to take care of her and teach her and help her…and how special she is and that He cares about her and doesn’t want her to hurt herself or anyone else, etc.

    You’re her momma, you will know what to say and what may work best for her. I have 3 kids (14, 3 and 1) and I went through power struggles every so often (and still do) with my daughter who is now 14. At every stage of rebellion, I’ve had to reset the tone and expectations…just not to this extreme as with my son. For awhile I was thinking it was something in him, but it was a combination of him AND me. People will say sometimes, “I have this many kids and I’ve been a Mom for this many years”….but they don’t realize that it’s the 1st time they’ve been a mom at that very moment of that child’s life.

    Every moment of every age of each unique child is new and different. Different things work for different kids at different times. We constantly have to change and adapt our parenting techniques. We have to continue to try to teach our kids how to cope and deal with things and new feelings/emotions. We have to do the same thing in our own lives as adults. It’s especially difficult when they’re growing and getting more and more hormonal, too. Plus, just as we get grumpy and don’t feel good some days, get a bit overwhelmed/frustrated, so do they.

    So I try to remember that, too. I can’t expect them to always have it together when I don’t, myself. I was a little indifferent about trying something new, perhaps because I was naturally successful with my 1st born or maybe I had too much pride, or I was burned out on life and gave up trying for a bit, or was stuck in survival mode, or got into a rut of demand and discipline, or a combination of all of those, etc. Whatever the case, I’m glad I didn’t give up. I wish you the very best. Peace to you, as I know we lose our peace when our kids are hurting/struggling.

    Sorry this is so long, repetitive (and filled with run-on sentences), but I hope you find at least a shred of helpfulness in all of my ramblings. :)

    Added:
  107. Laura

    My nephew went through something similar. He was finally diagnosed with Aspergers. He’s being treated with meds, but still has fits every now and then and he’s almost 15 years old.

    Added:
  108. Andrea H

    Hello,
    I have a 5 year old girl that when things do not go her way (too much pepper on her eggs, printer not printing her picture fast enough etc…) she throws a fit. She cries, curls in a ball, and just says “mummy”. If my husband or I ask her why she is upset “mummy”. If we ask if we can help, “mummy”. She refuses to speak to us. I know she is stubborn but we don’t know what to do. If I walk away she screams harder and chases me. She says “I just want mummy!” or “I just want you”. I can hold her, cuddle her, sit by her etc… and she will just keep saying “I want you.” She seems to get angry easy but getting her happy again is hard. She is not like this at school.

    Added:
    • Christine

      Hello Andrea,
      Your comment sounds exactly the same as my son who is about to turn 4 years, he has delayed speech (1 year) except he thrashes instead of curling in to a ball.

      I feel for you, it just rips your heart out when you hear them calling “Mummy” and you can’t really help.

      I have tried foods, smacking, shut him in his room and even talking to him (not sure if he even understands me). He’s not like this at early learning either but we had a 3 month separation issue that was mammoth.

      I hope we get some answers soon, good luck.
      Christine

      Added:
      • Most kids understand about 100 words more than they can say. It’s like learning a new language, you can recognize words when spoken long before you can use them in conversation. I encourage you to keep talking to your son even if you don’t know if he can understand. In addition, when he is calm, read to him. Read a lot to him. Often for kids with delayed speech, the reason for their frustration is they can’t communicate what they want. As they develop, they are able to communicate, and the frustration dissipates.

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  109. Mommy

    My son turned 3 just a few days ago and has been having extreme aggressive tantrums for the last few weeks. Ever since he’s been old enough to throw them, the occasional tantrum would show up about 2-3 times a month. But tonight makes the 2nd really bad one already this week.

    He will try to punch his dad and myself, he will throw whatever is in sight, he will scream and cry until his cheeks are red and he’s burning up, almost to the point of making himself sick. He will try to mess his toys up and he wants everyone out of the room, he’ll throw himself down on the floor, and it just makes me nervous, I don’t want him hurting himself during these episodes.

    The first few he threw I advised my husband we just let it run its course,l et him get his frustrations out. But they’re to the point now they’re lasting roughly 30 minutes. I don’t know what to do about them other than try to talk to him (which 9 times out of 10 makes it much worse) or holding him down. Praying this is just a phase and nothing major going on!

    Added:
    • Laura

      My son just turned 3 as well (end of February). He has been having frequent temper tantrums. They are situational and will come on when he’s upset. But he does suffer from night/nap terrors that aren’t situational. Anyway, he will get flush all over, break out in hives at times (which can be normal), cry uncontrollably, flail around, especially if you try to touch him. He will get more upset when we try to talk to him.

      It seems he cannot be reasoned with. These fits are occurring with normal routines like brushing his teeth (that he used to enjoy very much) or even eating dinner; or earlier today it was him not being able to find his sippy cup or the ipad he plays on, even though I told him exactly where it was.

      Time out used to do great, or even the threat of having to sit, would normally get him to straighten up. But lately, over the past month, he’s been having frequent fits that last 10-30 minutes several times a day. I don’t know what to do just yet. I’ve read several resources say that it is more of a concern at the age of 4 and older, so my plan is to see if time and my approach will help.

      He has become a pickier eater lately, so I thought maybe he has some major molars coming in…or perhaps he becomes emotionally unstable when he’s hungry or not eating right. He just seems grumpy so much of the time. I’m hoping it’s a growth-spurt/hormone thing that he will grow out of very soon. Good luck to us both!

      Added:
      • Laura

        Forgot to add…today was the 1st time he just started getting physical with me. He tried to push/hit my leg when he was upset about his cup.

        Added:
    • Laura

      Below is a copy of my response to another mom who was concerned about her child’s tantrums, but I wanted to copy/paste it to you, so you could read what I tried doing yesterday with my son. It’s been very successful so far!

      I doubt this will be of much help, but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures. And I know when you feel helpless, you’re more willing to try anything. I’ve been having problems with my son recently. He is 3, so he is much younger than your daughter. But he was getting out of control and the intensity and duration of his fits were increasing dramatically by the day. I was greatly concerned to the point that I thought he had a psychiatric condition. (Just a side note: both of my brothers were diagnosed and medicated for ADD and ADHD when they were little and both “outgrew” it by the time they were 10-12 years old. Just my opinion, but I think a lot of kids are misdiagnosed and then of course some kids really do need medical intervention). Anyway, yesterday (I know it’s only been one day, so there goes my credibility…) but I decided to try another tactic, because I was determined to get this under control or at least stop it from progressing.

      When my son started going into a fit, I held him on my lap and told him quietly that we’re going to talk about this. His fit went on for probably 10-15 minutes straight, screaming, flailing, trying with all his might to get away. He is strong and I struggled with him. I kept talking to him calmly and holding him to me (not hurting him, but keeping him from getting from me). I told him it’s okay to get mad, get upset, get angry. But then we need to calm down and talk about it. I told him we’re going to stay here until he calms down and we talk about it. I said I love you and care about you, we’re a team, we’re teammates, we take care of each other and we’re going to figure it out together. All of this time, I just felt like I was breaking/taming a wild horse. He ended up having to go potty, so I let him up to go. This was a good distraction to his fit, too. It changed his focus a little. When he was done, I asked if he was calm and ready to talk about it. He said he was calm, but doesn’t want to talk about it. So we kind of began again, this time he was next to me on the couch and I had him looking me in the eyes. I asked him if it was okay to be angry? He nodded, I said yes it is. I asked him if it’s okay to hit? He didn’t respond. I said no, it’s not okay to hit. It’s okay to be angry and mad or sad and have feelings, but then we have to calm down and talk about it. (I know this is repetitive…sorry about that). I asked him over and over, what do you do when you’re crying and upset? He wouldn’t respond. I said we calm down and talk about it. I told him this over and over. (Some critics may call it brain-washing, but I look at is as breaking through for the good of our child(ren).) We made a song…”When you’re crying and upset……..calm down and talk about it….” I sang it a few times. (There is a lot of good in music therapy…kids seem to respond well to it. Adults do too, which is probably why we get songs stuck in our head). I asked him again, what do you do when you’re crying and upset? He was still a bit defiant, so I had him sit in a chair and think about it. I told him he needs to learn this, it’s important and he will sit and think about it until he learns it. He began to start a new fit as soon as he sat in the chair. He did this growling scream thing he does when he’s really upset. I sang the song. Instead of a 5-10 minute screaming fit in time-out, it was greatly reduced to about 45 seconds to a minute.

      PROGRESS!

      I told him how proud I was of how he learned to calm down so fast! I told him great job! Come give me high-fives, kisses and hugs. I asked if he’s ready to talk about it. He said yes. We talked about things. I asked yet again, what do you do when you’re crying and upset? I said do you calm down and talk about it? He said yes. I said you say it now. He repeated after me. I told him I know it’s hard and praised him. I sang the song and asked him to add a part to it. He said play hotwheels. So we added that to the end. Something like “when you’re crying and upset….calm down and talk about it….and when you’re calmed down and we talk about it, you play hotwheels!…”

      When he began to go into another fit when he got upset about something else throughout the day, I reminded him of what to do and sang the song. I had him sit, he was calming down within a few seconds, I praised him for calming down so well and asked if he’s ready to talk about it. He was, we did and I was consistent with this the rest of the day. We also had some one on one play-doh play time.

      For the past few weeks before yesterday, he’d fight me on eating dinner, brushing his teeth and going to bed and various other things. Last night he didn’t fight me at all (meaning he didn’t have fits). I told him, we made a great song and you did so great today. I’m so proud of you. We sang it goofy, moving our heads goofy and he laughed about it. Again, I feel like I was breaking through his rebellion and we needed to have this power struggle to reset our relationship and what’s expected.

      Today has been going great. No problems. 100% difference/improvement!

      It was a long, tearful, but extremely productive day…so well worth it, despite the doubts I had when going through it. I very much encourage you to try something similar with your daughter, although maybe making reference about how it makes you sad to see her hurt herself…or if you’re a Christian like me, you might reference how God loves her so very much, how He put you as her Momma to take care of her and teach her and help her…and how special she is and that He cares about her and doesn’t want her to hurt herself or anyone else, etc.

      You’re her momma, you will know what to say and what may work best for her. I have 3 kids (14, 3 and 1) and I went through power struggles every so often (and still do) with my daughter who is now 14. At every stage of rebellion, I’ve had to reset the tone and expectations…just not to this extreme as with my son. For awhile I was thinking it was something in him, but it was a combination of him AND me. People will say sometimes, “I have this many kids and I’ve been a Mom for this many years”….but they don’t realize that it’s the 1st time they’ve been a mom at that very moment of that child’s life.

      Every moment of every age of each unique child is new and different. Different things work for different kids at different times. We constantly have to change and adapt our parenting techniques. We have to continue to try to teach our kids how to cope and deal with things and new feelings/emotions. We have to do the same thing in our own lives as adults. It’s especially difficult when they’re growing and getting more and more hormonal, too. Plus, just as we get grumpy and don’t feel good some days, get a bit overwhelmed/frustrated, so do they.

      So I try to remember that, too. I can’t expect them to always have it together when I don’t, myself. I was a little indifferent about trying something new, perhaps because I was naturally successful with my 1st born or maybe I had too much pride, or I was burned out on life and gave up trying for a bit, or was stuck in survival mode, or got into a rut of demand and discipline, or a combination of all of those, etc. Whatever the case, I’m glad I didn’t give up. I wish you the very best. Peace to you, as I know we lose our peace when our kids are hurting/struggling.

      Sorry this is so long, repetitive (and filled with run-on sentences), but I hope you find at least a shred of helpfulness in all of my ramblings. :)

      Added:
      • Janet

        Thank you for sharing your story. Any child would be happy to have you as their mom.

        Added:
      • Sheila.

        WOW. YOU are simply the best and most wonderful mother. So many children deserve a mum like you.

        Added:
  110. swiss

    I live upstairs from a 3-year girl. When she was coming up on 2-years-old she would have bouts of crying that would literally last for 5 hours at a time, sometimes several per day. I do not know her parents, but occasionally saw the father in the hallway and asked how things were going. He was blithe, and I asked specifically whether the girl was ok — he said everything is great — I mentioned I hear her crying for prolonged periods of time, something throughout the entire night — he got defensive and said “Babies cry.” This went on for 2 more months and I asked again. Same defensiveness. I asked what their pediatrician said. He told me they do not believe in doctors. I told him I had earaches as a child and it was really painful and made me cry a lot. They eventually did take the girl to the Dr and she had celiac disease.

    Now, she is 3. And she has screaming, shrieking, crying, pounding the floor and wall type tantrums 6-7x/day. Her father often works at home and puts on earphones and puts her in a section of the hall/foyer with a childproof gate up for much of the work day. She runs back and forth and screams and melts down. I don’t blame her. The mother seems to go somewhere else during the day. They are not a poor or uneducated couple, and yet they choose to all live in a tiny 1-BR apartment that the couple lived in as hipsters. They are in their 40s. The second child was, her mother told me, a “mistake.” I hear the girl sometimes mocking her baby brother—making crying noises until he cries too. It is extremely disturbing. The girl is screaming and bellowing right now. I don’t know what to do. I feel like she needs some kind of help, but I don’t want to be blamed for “causing trouble.” I am the only neighbor who would hear this, so they would know it was me.

    ps – I’m a little surprised the author requested comments and feedback, and parents have shared some very serious things, and there has been no response — it seems a little irresponsible. No response needed to my situation. I am just sharing that I think I know a 3-year-old who is having unusual tantrums. Your article was very helpful in confirming that.

    Added:
    • greg

      I have a 3 and half year old who screams non-stop for 20 to 30 minutes and does not stop when she does not get her way…(tantrum). These tantrums are new. weekly and daily sometimes 3 times. Or when mom’s not around she starts screaming!

      We had her in daycare for three weeks a month, but she did not want to go at all. Wakes up saying she is not going. We became stressed because she would cry hysterically when we drop her off. Mom is a house wife and little one stayed home with her before we thought it is time to get her into socializing more, thus daycare.

      I think it has to do with the fact that she feels abandoned. We had to take her out of daycare because we felt that her crying could be disturbing to the other kids. This was after a lengthy discussion with the daycare head. SO THE TANTRUMS HAVE NOT STOPPED AT HOME.

      I found that losing my cool does not help and that if she is tired, it triggers a tantrum. We are trying a stricter routine and weaning off mom. She just had a long 30 minutes screaming and kicking one, after waking and not seeing her mom. I first tried to calm her, but soon found it did not help, so I just let her scream…. eventually she stopped. She is now watching Tinkerbell dvd peacefully.

      Reason for my long explanation, is that your neighbour could be in the same boat and also struggling to get their daughter into getting used to mom leaving her with dad or at play school(daycare).

      ADVICE: RATHER ASK YOUR NEIGHBOUR IF THERE IS ANYTHING YOU COULD HELP WITH SINCE THEY COULD BE FEELING LIKE THEY ARE HELPLESS AND A DISTURBANCE TO OTHERS WITH THE SCREAMING… I hope it may help. Also mention that you think they might be feeling like you are disturbed by the noise, but that you understand. That might make them less defensive, because I think they are stressed by the whole situation. I really hope you did not find my input useless.

      Added:
    • Ks

      Please contact social services. This is not normal. Ensure the children are not being neglected.

      Added:
  111. tina

    I have an 8 year old son he is a gifted student at school. When he has a bad day, something doesn’t go his way, or we tell him he can not do a certain thing; most likely it also depends on his mood as well, but he throws these terrible tantrums. He screams like you’re hurting him and he just cries and I make him go into a time out. Sometimes it helps to seperate him from others in the house. It’s like he just has this rage of anger it gets really frustrating. He’s been throwing these tantrum/anger out bursts since he was about 3 years old. They seem worse. I tried ignoring it and people say kids grow out of it. Is there anything else to do???

    Added:
    • Michelle parks

      My son has been getting progressively angry at school. He seemed OK up until 2 months ago when I got a call that he urinated himself in his second grade class. I was alarmed as he had never done this at school before. I volunteer and substitute teach in the school he attends and spoke with his teacher. He has been incontinent twice. His teacher told me he had a huge angry outburst last week and he scared other children because he did not get the animal he wanted. She said it scared the other kids. He does not hit just bangs or hits his heads that recently started. He writes on his peers angry faces and f- but he gets As and is two grades above.

      The teacher said she noticed him rocking at the gym before school. She said he was unaware of his surroundings. I think this teacher might be clashing with him because of personality differences.

      He is mostly happy at home playing. He is very fastidious and sometimes things have to be a certain way. I signed him up for anger management at school. I feel horrible. I get lists of things he does and nothing really positive. One day the teacher told me his bad behavior and I felt like crying and want to put my son out and leave the school. I have children with anger issues in school and would never tell parents all the bad thing their kids. I don’t know what to feel.

      Added:
      • serenity

        I’m having a similar situation. My son just turned 7 and in social situation if things don’t go his way he’ll throw a screaming tantrum so load he’s been sent to the principles office on countless occasions. These screaming fits also happen if whatever the class is doing at that time is over and they need to move on to something else. He does not have a real friend, more of the outsider in he class. These tantrums happen about 3 times a week at school and, almost everyday at daycare. To make it worse and more embarrassing he wets his pants during these fits, sometimes he’ll wetshis pants out of the blue just sitting around. He can hardly read, struggles to identify letters after going over the same ones 20 times but seems to excel at math and any building things. He my Lego master

        Added:
  112. George

    Hi, to all parents of with children of Dr. Jackel and Mr. Hyde syndrome
    I have read all of your problems and much of what is going on with little children and my conclusion is varied.

    I will tell you that I an old enough and have seen a lot in my time being as I was a Pastor and I tried to help parents who were having some kind of problem with their children. Most of these parents were at the end of their rope as some of you are.

    Some Grand-Parents are not too grand when they go against the discipline or rules their parents have set up for their child that is being just plain nasty or for lack of a better word unbalanced. As grand-parents sometimes we feel we have to interfere and love up on the kid and say dumb things like “mommy doesn’t really mean what she said dear little Johnny”. If you are one of these and are not content with the ways your Daughter/Son is raising THEIR child, try to understand the parents and don’t get involved. I realize your hurt seeing your little monster crying, screaming, biting, kicking, throwing things, and hitting others etc and their Mother. Because he/she is being punished for some action or words they have done or said. But you have to remember that any Mother that is normal will not kill her child she is trying to teach her child to behave.

    Sometimes little children do not want to hear the word “NO”. But they cannot be let loose to just do what they want to do or say. Also there is the possibility that the child is in a depression. With out our knowledge we all never want to think of our child being in a depression. But it happens, to many children and it gets worse as time goes by unless something is done or treatment is given by someone who is qualified.

    Most times a child does not see himself/herself acting out the way they do so I have found a way to SHOW them how they act and at the same time show if necessary their doctor what is going on because I have heard doctors saying “the child is too young to have a depression” or some kind of mental disorder. In that case get another doctor.

    Now what I will suggest to you all is buy a video camera small enough to hide some where your child is acting out most of the time or get a tiny video camera that you can wear on your person. After a few taped tantrums show your child how he/she acts and guess what, this little trick will mostly work and if it doesn’t, all you have invested is the price of a video camera. A word of advice to parents while you are taping, DO NOT hit, scream or do anything that can be turned against you. Calmly try to talk to “little Johnny/Joan” during the tantrum. After a few tantrums when you show your child the videos you made of him/her, DO NOT SHOW THEM TO ANYONE ELSE its’ not their business. You can show the Doctor if necessary. Always keep the tapes in a safe place that no one can get to them or your child will get hurt big time. Its’ like wetting the bed, the child is so ashamed he would never want anyone to know and I am sure parents would never tell, unless they have no brains or compassion for their child.

    Note: There are some chiropractors who can help children with bed-wetting. You do not have to be a professional to use what ever you can that will benefit the child.

    I pray this will be of some help of you parents.
    God Bless & best of luck

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  113. Karen

    I am concerned about my grandson’s tantrums. He kicks, screams bloody murder, gets red in the face, throws things and bites. I pick him up while he is kicking and screaming and hold him and pat him on the back to calm him down. He just started this about a month ago. He wakes up in the middle of the night sometimes now doing the same thing. Any advise?

    Added:
    • Marie

      My name is Marie and my grandson has the same as this person Karen. Only that some family problems have come up like divorce, and my daughter has a new boyfriend and things seem to have trigger the tantrums worse. What type Dr. should we see. I plan to take him to Hospital in Ann Arbor, Michigan, asking for help. Where do we start? The 9 year old and 4 year old are all over the place, too.

      Added:
    • Didi

      The night time ones could be night terrors, I’d look into to it if I were you.

      Added:
  114. Tracy

    My 3 year old niece has thrown temper tantrums for as long as I can remember. Though, this past year they’ve gotten worse. Over 15 tantrums daily all lasting longer than 30 minutes, also screams for more than an hour, constantly whines even in what seems normal conversation, can get violent towards others, and during a tantrum nobody can calm her down. We’ve tried being calm, time outs, nothing seems to working.

    Added:
    • Sandy

      I am a 63 yr old grandmother, have 19 nieces & nephews, 4 grandkids, ages 2, 4, 9 & 17 yrs. and I have always asked Jesus to help their parents & myself. Never been disappointed yet. Jesus never fails!!!

      Added:
      • Rob

        No such thing as God or Jesus. Go sell crazy somewhere else.

        Added:
        • Mommy

          Ohh how it saddens me to see people go so out of their way to criticize someone’s beliefs. I, for one, am a firm believer in God! I thank Him for everything and everyone He has given me, and Sandy..God will never fail us! I’m no where near perfect, but God knows I believe and trust in Him! Prayers for all those who are so close minded and won’t even give our Lord a chance! Bless them and maybe their minds can be changed before it’s too late!

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  115. Julie

    Hello I’m very worried about my Grandaughter whom has been separated from her mother when she was 1yr she is now 2yr she Lives with her father..I’m concerned as she seems very unhappy& has bitten her nails down that far that they almost bleed & constantly Scratches her head! She has nothing I. Her hair as checked..father never praises her & when she has spent the day with us she doesn’t want to go back! She goes all quiet! Why is this happening do you think it’s because she is separated from her mother? & Stress? Please help! Grand mother

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    • sheila

      I’m kinda in the same boat. I have a grandson who is about to be three. Ever since his mom got a new boyfriend he’s changed. When he’s here with me he’s great, but when they come to pick him up he cries and holds onto me until he’s digging his nails in me and recently wet himself when she took him out of my arms.

      I feel helpless. They say it’s because I don’t discipline him while he’s with me, but I do. Then they tell him if he keeps crying when they come to pick him up from me that they won’t let him come see his mawmaw any more. His little face is so sad and frightened looking when he leaves. So I don’t know if its just me overreacting or if something is seriously wrong. Please help.

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      • Marcelle

        I would look into it, this panic you are describing sounds like he may have been suffering some kind of abuse at home. My dd sometimes has temper tantrums at her grandma’s, but when I come to pick her up she is always happy. It’s more like defiance than fear, she wants what she wants but looks like your grandson is in fear. I would think you should inform yourself how to proceed by law and just the act cautiously so you can protect him while they have him with them.

        Hope you can do something, my heart sinks when I read this kind of thing, I send my love and my prayers.
        Good luck.

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  116. Judeth

    I have a five year old daughter that I’m starting to get concerned about she’s the only child.
    A few weeks back she got in trouble for boring someone in her class I had her make a sorry letter. Then couple of weeks later I had to get her from school because her teacher said she left the classroom and found her in the boys bathroom(no kids were in there) and she was in the back of the stall barking and making noises I think she was seeking attention because she does get it all at home.
    But a week after that happened I had to get her again because she bit a fourth grader they asked her why and she responded with her head told her to do it. I don’t know is this normal? For a only child am I doing something wrong should I get her in to after school programs ?? Please I need help I don’t want my kid to be looked at wrong she’s a awesome kid that loves and cares for people and animals I just don’t understand what she does when this happens !

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    • Michelle parks

      I would not go to normal or abnormal. And don’t let teachers make you feel that way. They are not trained to determine.

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  117. Emiy

    My daughter is 5 years old and has thrown tantrums for as long as I can remember. In fact, I can remember her throwing a tantrum when she was just old enough to sit up on her own, over my moving her away from the dishwasher she wanted to climb in. I thought that she would grow out of it, but NOTHING has changed. In fact, they have gotten worse. She is not violent, but these tantrums last for 1-3 hours and occur EVERY day, sometimes twice a day. My husband and I have tried everything and it is becoming more and more difficult for me not to raise my voice at her during these episodes. This past week has been especially challenging as we actually had to leave a restaurant and a daycare at which I volunteer due to her atrocious behaviour. I`ve read every article on the matter I can find, and I have asked advice from absolutely everyone who would give it to me. They all tell me the same thing, stay calm, be firm, keep her safe, and validate her feelings. All of which we have done numerous times but with complete failure. It`s become so bad that I have had to leave the house the last two days during these tantrums and have my husband handle them because the screaming has gotten on my last nerve. Please, I am willing to take any advice under consideration, as long as it is safe and not damaging in any way to my child. We need help!

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    • Joe

      My daughter is the sweetest, smartest little thing. She has tried all kinds of activities and does yard work or laundry. but lately (she’s 4) in the evening after dinner, it’s like she becomes another person. her eyes look different, she growls, swings and kicks and tries to bite. she acts truly like a wild caged animal. she’s destructive and violent and we are so afraid she will hurt herself. we tried holding her down and yelling. and nothing. then all of a sudden out of the clear blue, she changes and will throw herself into our arms and say how sorry she is and she cries like crazy. we’re all sad and confused and tired at this point , our daughter returns and she can’t talk about her actions because she’s sad and starts basically hyperventalating. has this happened to anyone else? i mentioned taking her to a doctor and she freaks even more. we’re at a lose. and she seems as confused about her behaviour as we are.

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      • Marie

        These are the problems we are having with my 9 yr old grandson. looking for help. I want to start the Ann Arbor hospital.

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      • Kelly

        Are you giving her anything like Kool Aid with dinner? I had a serious allergy to red dye #40 when I was younger that produced the exact same symptoms. I can remember having these episodes, and being just completely unable to control myself. In fact, my toddler has the same allergy. Since we have cut out anything with artificial red coloring, my daughter’s behavior has markedly improved.

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    • a

      I’m in the same boat!! Hate to go to a specialist if it’s normal, but it doesn’t feel normal. Maybe it’s us, not the kids. I don’t know how to help her soothe herself. Nothing works. 2 hours at least to get mine to bed. She just gets so upset and can’t help herself feel better. I hate seeing it! And hearing it :-X I wonder if mine has a fear of abandonment or if she’s just learned that saying certain heartbreaking things gets me to cave. Hope they grow out of this…

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    • Ashley

      Hi I read your story about your daughter and mine is acting exactly the same way! My husband and I are exhausted most days due to her defiance and 1-2 hour temper tantrums. She’s the sweetest little girl and does not get into trouble at school and has play dates and no problems there but at home is horrible. It breaks my heart to see her do this especially today when she threw one of her little wooden chairs on the floor from her reading table in her room. We have also done the same things you mentioned you and your husband were advised to do but its getting worse and interfering with everything we want to do. Has anything changed for yall since this post or have you gotten any more advice? Thanks

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      • Joe

        She’s the same. I hurt myself recently and she’s TRYING at night to be really good because my husband is doing everything. but she still has her moments and it still hurts us so bad that there is nothing we can do until she falls or hurts us and then she still is sorry. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. (sigh)

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  118. Kaitlynne Lopez-Santucci

    me and my brothers are going through a very terrible divorce between my parents. me and my 3 brothers live with my mom. since everything has gone down, my two littlest brothers who are 12 and 9 always fight. the youngest one who is 9, throws outrageous tantrums. he throws things, hes slapped me and my mom, he spits everywhere, and yells really loud in my apartment. my mom will discipline and hell get worse and hell start spitting on her and yell for the cops. hes never acted like this when he would get angry. hell bite himself, hell scratch himself, and hell bite his tongue. sometimes i want to break down and cry because before all this hes gotten worse. i dont know what to do and neither does my mom. we’ve taken him to a psychiatrist and they told he has ODD and tell us to ignore the fits. how can we ignore these outrageous fits ?! we don’t know what to do anymore and it breaks my hearts :(

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    • Sara

      I have a 4 year old son and am a single mom.

      My son hits me all time, grabs my hair, pushes me and screams at me. Does not listen nothing at all. He also breaks things and he tries to push some kids. I feel so bad and don’t know what to do. I do not know what it is. I try to talk to him. I try to give the best out of me nothing.

      He stays up till late hours. Does not sleep. He always runs. Does not sit much and is always doing something. He loves dinosaurs. Sometimes I think this is out of normal.

      Please can someone give me advice? I feel as if I am a terrible mother and I feel sad to see him that way.

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      • Jacqui

        You are not a terrible mom! You have a spirited child at the very least. My son was the same way (30 tantrums a day average) and he kicked and even punched me. He is much better now that he is seven. It is likely your son’s nature, this personality may serve him well later in life but makes for a challenging child.

        I think talking to your Dr. is important. When my son was little he also stayed up late and never wanted to sleep. I realized I had let him dictate his sleep period because I was so used to the all hours baby days. I suspect he was really tired a lot. I started making sure he had a 7:30 bedtime, I suggest you do the same. You can lay with him but just make sure he sleeps. Kids cannot regulate emotion when they’re tired which equals more tantrums.

        I wouldn’t give him sugar, especially juice as this will make him go off the wall because of the high sugar content. The book “raising a spirited child” really helped me.

        Hang in there. Being a single mama is so hard. You obviously care about your little guy! I’ll say a prayer for you!

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    • Laura

      My daughter went through a major rebellious time; not to the extent of your little brother though. But I remember telling her that I love her, I want to be around her. But it is her choice whether she stays around me/us. If she continues to disobey the rules that are in place for her own good (and our family’s), then she may choose to live somewhere else like foster care if she really thinks she has it so bad. I told her that I didn’t want to lose her, but I cannot allow her to continue down this destructive path…and that if she left, it would tear me up, but that it was her choice.

      You could always see if he could be shown another perspective such as foster care, a prison/jail tour (they do those), etc. He is of an impressionable age, that it may hit him hard enough to straighten up. Otherwise, there are troubled youth camps that’s like a kids boot camp. I know of a good one in MI, but I’m sure they have them in every state. He could do an at home research paper that you or your parents have him do. Not as a punishment, but as a way of growing in awareness. Have him research online about out of control kids, foster homes, etc. Have him answer questions about what he thinks of himself, who is he hurting and how (with his actions/words). What makes him happy? What are good things about himself? Who knows, maybe it’ll be helpful. Worth a shot at this point. Good luck and God bless.

      Maybe he could start a journal and write in it every day…get his feelings out on paper when he’s calm, when he’s upset and afterwards.

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  119. Sinead Butt

    My 2.5 year old son is delayed in speech and understanding he doesn’t say much words at all he doesn’t get on with any of the kids at playschool, he hits others and screams alot. He likes to play alone in school. At home he also likes to pay alone but also with his brothers and sister but also lashes out on them, he likes to wounder off and has no concept of danger. He loves getting phased and also loves afection. He hates the words NO or WAITING or even getting his face cleaned or nails cut. He loves to play with water. I need help dose anyone know Wat I can do to help him

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    • cheryl

      Hello, that sounds like it could be my son. He is 3.5 years old and hardly says a word, he tries but its hard to understand him. He also has no concept of danger and I find this very worrying especially when getting him out of the car he runs straight into the road. His favorite thing is water, he seems to have a fascination with it, He is a very loving little boy but seems to get very aggressive and lashes out at times (mainly to myself and his dad) We say no but he really doesnt listen to us at all, we have tried to stay calm, screamed at him and also spanked him but this has no affect on him at all, he just laughs and carries on. Lately he has had me in tears, I am at the end of my tether with him, this week he has started waking early at 5.30am and has been constantly on the go until 7pm when he goes to bed. He throws cars at my head, punches the dog, puts water all over the floor, I am completely worn out with it, he hugs me and says he is sorry but within a few mins is back to playing up again. I would also like to know what to do.

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      • missy

        Has your son been tested for autism? I have recently discovered that there are many severities to it and a lot of what you mentioned reminded me of that.

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  120. Laura Elizabeth Isbell-beavers

    I know this is an old post but the school is breaking the law on many levels and could be part of his frustration. Call mpact in kc mo you’ll have to call information and get the number, they can direct you about the laws in your area, they’ll send a mentor to attend conferences with you to make sure the school is not doing anything illegal ect, if u aren’t from mo they can direct you to any advocacy groups in your area. Huge help!

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  121. Natalie

    That is normal all babys throw them self back and pull the back of theyr hair as it’s the only thing the do lol no worryes lol

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  122. carlee

    I know how you feel my 5 year old son does all of this stuff and it seems like his aim when hes in his moods are to hurt either himself or others but yet the professionals have passed us around hes been hospitalized twice already and children services from DHR is wanting to put him in a residential hospital for 6 months to get him proper treatment for daily function…the current doctor just prescribed him new meds a few weeks ago and of course they have made him more hyper active and a whole lot more aggressive like he doesn’t have enough aggression without the stupid meds but anyway you are not alone just know that and good luck to you. I hope they figure it out for you soon

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  123. carlee

    I definitely know how you feel my 5 year old is my youngest and he scares me and my oldest three all the time with his abuse doing the same things as you have listed and more I am also a single mom doing the best I can and being pushed from one supposed professional to another everytime I turn around its getting very old

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  124. Tzedek_Tzedek

    I don’t have the answer, just well wishes. I landed on this site looking for guidance about my own 5-year-old daughter’s increasingly extreme tantrums. It’s wearing my husband and I down, frightening her younger brother (also 2.5, like your son), and I can’t make heads or tails over why they’ve gotten so much worse (even though they were really bad before). In any case–if it’s wearing us down and there are two of us, I can imagine how challenging it must be for you. I really wish you the best. Hang in there.

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  125. Megan Elizabeth Dennis

    I never hear that about a child that small but if you are concernd…take her in and talk to someone about it.

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