Recognizing Sexual Abuse

How can I recognize sexual abuse if it happened to my three-and-a-half-year-old daughter? About a month ago she told me a friend of ours touched her vagina. Since that time she has said nothing else and on gentle questioning she said it did not happen. There are no behavioral changes and her behavior towards the man in question has not changed at all. They’ve always had great times together. I have no idea why she said this and my feeling is that it is completely innocent. She is also at the stage where she is very interested in what a penis is and what a vagina is – she occasionally can be found on the floor probing her vagina. But, is there anything I should be concerned about and how do I recognize real abuse of a child?
Palo Alto, California

Recognizing Sexual Abuse

Dr. Greene’s Answer:

Some of the most poignant episodes of my pediatric training were long visits with children victimized by sexual abuse. I vividly remember sitting with tears streaming down my face after hearing how children had been scarred by those they trusted.

How sad that we need to be discussing this subject for a three-and-a-half-year-old! Unfortunately, there is no age at which a child is exempt from sexual abuse. About one third of cases occur in kids younger than six years of age, about one third in children ages six to twelve, and one third in children ages twelve to eighteen.

Sexual abuse includes any activity with a child for the sexual gratification of an adult or significantly older child (more than about 4 years older). Children’s intense need for affection and nurturance from older figures makes them vulnerable. Adults and older children hold a position of tremendous power in their lives. It is the abuse of this power, and the abuse of children’s trust, that is so damaging.

Sexual abuse falls into three different categories:

  1. molestation, which is defined as the touching or fondling of the genitals of a child, or asking a child to touch or fondle an adult’s genitals, or using a child to enhance pleasure from sexual acts or pornography;
  2. sexual intercourse, which includes vaginal, oral, or rectal penetration;
  3. rape.

Most abuse begins with innocent physical contact. A needy adult then makes this a routine. Once a routine is developed, it is not uncommon to progress to intercourse.

The most common perpetrator of sexual abuse is either a family member or a close friend of the family. Sexual abuse by a stranger is quite uncommon.

Sexual abuse commonly comes to light through the child’s disclosing the incident of sexual contact to a trusted adult. Historically, a child’s word was not taken seriously. Over the last twenty years the pendulum swung to the opposite extreme; if a child described sexual contact it was considered a fact, and the volunteering of such information was considered very strong legal evidence. Recently, the pendulum has returned to a more balanced position: take it very seriously whenever a child mentions sexual contact, but understand that not everything said necessarily mirrors physical reality.

The best way to clarify a situation such as you have described is to have your child examined by a sexual abuse specialist in. Most children’s hospitals have a sexual abuse team, or will be able to refer you to a specialist in your area. (The two hospitals that offer this service in your area are Santa Clara Valley Medical Center in San Jose and the Keller Center at San Mateo Medical Center.)

A sexual abuse examination is comprised of two basic elements. First, and perhaps most important, your daughter would be interviewed by an expert who very gently elicits information from her about what might have happened. Efforts are made to minimize the number of times a child has to tell the story and the number of people visibly present during the interview. The interviewer will let your daughter set the pace and will use pictures or dolls to draw her out, without suggesting to her what might have occurred.

This is generally followed by a physical examination of the external genitals, checking for any sign of trauma, laxity, or discharge. Sometimes this will be done with magnification, using an instrument called a colposcope. Note that a physical examination cannot in and of itself confirm or rule out sexual abuse. In at least half of the cases of child abuse that are confessed by the abuser, there are no findings on physical exam.

Children who have actually been abused will often recant their initial statement because they are afraid of their abuser or because their abuser convinces them that this is “their little secret.” And, children who have never been sexually abused will, based on normal child development, go through phases of curiosity and misunderstandings about their genitals and about sexual activity.

Several clues are associated with sexual abuse as opposed to normal development (but many children give no clues except what they say):

  • Genital infections, redness, or discharge
  • Burning with urination
  • Urinary tract infection
  • The new onset of either bed-wetting or stool problems
  • Sudden increased sexuality with peers, animals, or objects
  • Seductive behavior
  • Age-inappropriate sexual knowledge
  • Regression
  • Other dramatic behavior changes

Hopefully, nothing significant happened to your little girl, but if my daughter came to me with the same story I would not let the situation go uninvestigated. The scenario you have described is the most frequent way actual abuse is detected.

Whatever turns out to be true, we must prepare our children to protect themselves against sexual abuse. Begin by teaching them the proper names and significance of their private parts as soon as they are able to understand (about age 3). Then they will be ready to understand the three key messages:

  1. Say no if somebody tries to touch your nipples, rectum, or genitals.
  2. Tell a trusted adult if someone tries to touch you.
  3. Don’t keep secrets — If somebody tells you to keep a secret, let your parents know right away.

 

Dr. Alan Greene

Dr. Greene is the founder of DrGreene.com (cited by the AMA as “the pioneer physician Web site”), a practicing pediatrician, father of four, & author of Raising Baby Green & Feeding Baby Green. He appears frequently in the media including such venues as the The New York Times, the TODAY Show, Good Morning America, & the Dr. Oz Show.

  1. Mrio

    My sister is 51 now and although she has always known she was raped by our father..who is dead now..she is just beginning to remember the worst of the details..through flooding of flashbacks and horrendous night terrors. She has shared these details with us, her family, and they are horrific. The abuse began when she was 4 until she was 11. No one knew as my father was a sneaky bastard taking her to abandoned parking lots and junk yards or waitng for the house to be empty and they woyld be alone also telling her he would kill her and me if she cried or told anyone. So at 4 she learned to not cry, not feel, and protect her entire family. She was also tortured and physically beaten. She was taken to the doctor on several occasions for severe bladder and kidney infections as well as why she was still wetting her bed at 8-10 yrs old. Now this was late 60s and 70s..but not one doctor question why so many infections or bedwetting. In fact she was lectured about not drinking enough water. They didn’t protect her. She always hoped they’d figure out her infections were due to rape. She was too afraid to tell. She was just sent home for more abuse. I woder if she can sue the medical community we dealt with at the time? Had just one doctor suspected what seems so obvious now, sexual abuse and called authorities..she might have been spared years more of this horror. But, she’s now in and out of psych wards and stabilization therapy and group therapy but nothing is sticking. She recently tried to kill herself but we stopped her in time. So afraid she will try again.

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    • What a terrible and sad story. My heart goes out to you and your sister.

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  2. grace

    I am the grandma. I visit my 2 year old grand-daughter 3 times a week. This is what I have observed. For two years. I have found on the computer of my daughters house, showing porn site, which is my son-in-law views. I was not happy with this. Her dad has always bath her and I have told my daughter numerous times this is not appropriate. My daughter seems to think its okay . I notice dad seems to have the mom preoccupied with something else,while he baths her. She is 2yrs old now and this is still continuing. Then my daughter tells me when she baths the granchild (dad out of town), the grand baby actually poses laying down nude side was like you would see in a playboy magazine. Then I decide to give her a bath and she does the same thing for me. Then my daughter says that she finds out that the mother -law tells her that she should not leave grand-baby home alone with grandfather because he has history or porn. Father and son the same. The dad is known for drinking heavy on and off, for sure a bottle every two weeks. i have told my daughter its not good for dad to bath the baby and then he wiil send us off to do errans. Today I saw something that shocked me horrible. The dad came home from work. I allowed him and his daughter to have time together told him I was going to go in basement do laundry. I came to the main floor, where the dad and grand baby were, as I proceeded up the next flight of stairs, I was able to see into the living room, the grand baby had all her clothes off, standing on the sofa NAKED AND THE DAD TELLING HER HOW TO POSE NUDE AND OPEN YOUR LEGS A BIT MORE AND LIFT YOUR HANDS UP****And he was taking pictures with his phone.
    I did speek up for the grand baby told her shame you are not allowed to be naked cover up. Told dad WHO WAS SUPER SURPRISED. TO SEE I WAS NO LONGER IN BASEMENT, I told you do not do that to a child she will grow up thinking she will do that for others too, its a law and you ****** will go to jail the cops will come and pull yoir phone emails and what you view on line. he had some cheese excuse for his bad behaviour.

    WHAT SHOULD I DO NEXT ? I AM VERY CONCERN. I AM IN THE SHOCK MOLD AND CANNOT THINK CLEAR TO REACT PROPERLY

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    • Melanie

      You need to call the cops NOW. Do not let him get away with this or you will be guilty too.

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  3. jason

    My neighbor’s 8 year old son confides in me every now and then about things that he doesn’t feel comfortable talking to his parents about. A couple of weeks ago he told me about something that he’s been doing, and it just shocked me beyond belief.

    Every once in a while he said he brings his almost 2 year old little brother in his bedroom with him, and forces him to perform oral sex. The way he puts it “I make him suck my peepee”. I was so shocked. That was something that I thought I just had to tell his parents instantly.

    So that night I went over and told them. They called their son over and asked him if he was doing this. Of course he said no. Now the parents think I’m totally lying about the whole situation and don’t want anything to do with me anymore.

    Here’s the thing. When their son was telling me all of this, he was doing so under one of my security cameras which also picks up audio. I have his whole confession on audio. Now I don’t know what to do with it. The parents are the type that won’t even listen to it. They hate me now. I’m asking, what should I do?

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    • Melanie

      Jason, you need to inform either the cops, or Child Protective Services. It is likely the boy is learning that from someone in the home, but even if he isn’t, his brother is now a victim, and if the parents won’t do anything someone HAS to. Call CPS!! You can remain anonymous! I’m sure they’ll know it’s you but who cares – they already don’t like you, so don’t worry about that. Do the right thing.

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  4. sc

    I have a two year old who will be three in a couple of months. Over the past month I have been noticing different things that she has been doing. She has been putting her hand over peoples mouths and telling them to “shut your mouth”, she has also been very clingy to me, and tries to kiss me with her tongue. I’m not sure what to think as she is not old enough to come out and tell me what is going on. I am separated from her father and he has her two to three days a week but every time he comes to get her she throws a fit not wanting to go with daddy. Am I missing something here? or is there anything I should be doing?

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    • Can you share your observations with her father and ask him if he’s noticed anything amiss? Working together may be difficult, but collaborative parenting after separation and divorce is great for kids.

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  5. Emr

    My step daughter been worrying me for yrs!iv talk to my husband multiple times off and on.about his daughters behavior. Well now my 3and 2yr act up bad ever time she home my daughter whos.2 wont share or sleep in same room . They dont want to sit by step daughter. My kids are trying to touch each other peepee ,kiss butts, i just seen my 3yr boy holding down my 2yr trying to put a small squit gun in her butt.in the last month my kids cry every time i walk out the door. They are hitting kicking pushing and fighting like never before wesling and what looks like trying to hump each other.im really think my step daughter is touching them.i know shes hurt them.before with hitting and picking them up.and throwing them. Im a stay at home mom never get a sitter so they are only with me 90% of the time my.step.daughter is.with us mon-fri and i do leave her alone with them to take out trash and mow the yrd my husband works alot nd isn’t home much. So is it possible step is doing something to my kids? Or am i being paranoid…

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  6. Ange

    Hi Dr Greene, my 2 yr old son told me for a month that his bottom was sore. He is fully toilet trained. After a month of hearing about his sore bottom, I asked him why it was so sore, and he told me “cos rah rah bites it” (rah rah is his sister, 11 years older).

    His sister has had bowel problems since the age of 2.

    I had reasons to be suspicious about her grandfathers intentions toward her. She admitted 4 years ago that she was being touched and that it has been going on for as long as she can remember. She indicated in a picture that she was being touched on her vagina and breasts. Long story short, she told us in October that it was her paternal grandfather who has touched her.

    There were a few occasions that had my questioning her behaviours with my 2 yr old, about a month or 2 leading up to my son saying this about his sister. She had been interviewed by police (kid friendly discussion) where they asked her if she has been biting my son on his bottom (remembering his bottom to him is his entire genital region), and she said “NO”. That was the end of it. case closed…..

    I have left my husband and taken my son with me, as I don’t believe my son, at 2 yrs of age, could be making up this kind of story. Do you think (as I believe) it is likely that she has been sexually inappropriate with my son??

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  7. Stephens

    I just found out that my 11 year old step daughter has ‘kissed’ my 5 year old granddaughter and touched others inappropriately. I have been telling my boyfriend for years that his daughter has been doing things that I think are inappropriate. I could never say EXACTLY what I saw, because I didn’t SEE it happen, but I saw them under the covers once 2 years ago and that’s where it started. I told him and he dismissed it. So I kept my granddaughter away from her. In the meantime the 11 year old got caught looking up porn and she started masturbating in broad daylight. I talked to her mother and they got her in counseling. They determined that she hadn’t been molested but come to find out she saw ‘two girls kissing on her daddy’s phone” when she was very young. She did 6 months of counseling, started acting better, and they dropped the counseling. Then it all started up again….

    about a year later my granddaughter spent the night and they were playing in their room. I checked on them every 5 minutes because I don’t trust the 11 year old. They were laying next to each other on the bed, nobody touching anybody, but I could tell what she was trying to do, and I separated them. Long story short, after years of him not believing me I started telling her mother. I KNEW SHE NEEDED HELP and her mother did believe me. We found out yesterday that the 11 year old has been inappropriate with several younger girls. I’ve been on this crusade to get this little girl better, and now I feel like I cannot continue to be in this relationship because my daughter is not going to let my granddaughter visit me when she finds out this has happened. And I’m not sure I EVEN WANT to be in this anymore. My boyfriend’s first reaction was to leave before anyone else got hurt and I feel like he’s just STICKING HIS HEAD IN THE SAND AGAIN. I’m so torn.

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      • ss

        I don’t know what my heart is saying. I’m so conflicted. I am really about to lose it. I’m so confused. I’m angry. idk what to do…I really don’t. I’m not comfortable with EITHER option, staying or going. I’m so sick.

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        • What a tough position you’re in. Is “taking a break” to figure this all out an option?

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  8. Anonymous

    When i was 7 years old my brother would make me remove my clothes n play around.n tell me not to tell anyone about it.i didnt.it went on for a year.ive not told anyone but as a person.ive grown to be one with a low self esteem.im 21 now.im getting nightmares sometimes.i wanted some help.it was repeated in my fifth grade.im scared of trusting people..ive become an introvert.i dont like it when someone touches me or hugs me.i cant express myself to anyone.i am.numb to feelings.n i mostly feel disconnected to the world.

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    • I’m so sorry you are going through this. It’s a horrible thing. Please seek professional help. You can get through this, but not without help.

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  9. Dani

    My husband caught my daughter with her pants down in her room. When he asked what she was doing she said playing doctor. After a 30 minute discussion she told me the neighbor boy taught her at his house. She was very emotional and scared. The 7 year old boy denies it and his parents believe he is innocent. I babysat them for about a year prior to this. He never showed signs of being like that. Im lost and in need of advice asap!

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  10. worried

    My 5 yr old daughter drew a picture of a penis today. To my knowledge she shouldn’t know what they are as she hasn’t seen one.when i asked her why did she think it looked like that her story’s have changed from
    – seen her father’s partners son getting nappy change
    – seen a kids pants fall down in the street and
    – she just knows
    She’s told be no one has ever touched any of her private areas (chest or bottom area) and she’s never been asked to touch anyone else’s. She has been telling a lot of lies lately and making up stories so I’m at a loss of how to go about finding out the truth and have been in tears myself thinking about this the last 2 hours. Any ideas how to go about finding out the truth without stressing her more?

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  11. Asami

    My dad Touches my butt even after I told him to stop. He doesn’t do it as often as he used to. Another time I was tying my shoes and he was pretending there was no room for him to walk by so he shoved his ass in my face.
    He also would say things like “it was my butt first” when he touched my butt.

    Are these signs of rape or is this sexual assault?

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    • Laylah

      It doesn’t sound like sexual assault or rape to me. However, if you have told him to stop touching your butt and he is still doing it this may be a sign that he may attempt to sexually violate you. Your fathers touches are inappropriate, and from what I learned about sexual abuse is that it often starts with what people consider “innocent touches”. Touching someones butt, breast, penis, or vagina is always inappropriate when you have told the person to “stop”, even if it is your father. If your mother is around you should tell her that it makes you feel uncomfortable, even if your dad says he’s just joking around, tell her you don’t like it.

      Best

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    • CJ

      This is sexual assault in my opinion. The definition of sexual assault is any unwanted physical contact. Also if you ask someone to stop and they do not it could be considered harassment.

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    • k

      Please talk to your school counselor. This is NOT normal.

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    • Melanie

      This is SEXUAL, this is WRONG. Tell your mother or another trusted adult – tell a counselor or principal or teacher at your school.

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  12. Clint

    I just found out through my 13yr old daughter that her 11(almost 12)yr old brother showers with his mother(my ex wife). I have custody of both of the children and she sees them every other weekend. I am horribly frustrated with this and need assistance in taking the right steps to deal with this. Supposedly my son begs her to take showers together and she agrees to it. She is 39 years old / works at an elementry school and knows better than to shower with a boy that old. Please help.

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  13. Amy

    I rang my daughter last night. We had not seen or spoken to each other for many years but she reconnected with me a few months ago. When my daughter answered the phone, she was absolutely panic stricken. Her 6 year old daughter (my granddaughter who I have not seen for years) had blood in her urine and my daughter was on the way to the emergency department of the local hospital.

    I was suspicious about my granddaughter’s ailment, as she had just come home from spending a weekend with her “biological father” and my daughter told me they sleep together in his bed. As my daughter and her exhusband do not talk at all, and her exhusband has just come out of jail after many years. Who has anger management issues, including being controlling, emotionally and physically abusive. When my daughter answered the phone, she yelled at me to “stay out of it” after I had told her to tell the doctor my granddaughter had just come home after spending the weekend with her father.

    I rang her tonight (after speaking to my granddaughter who said I had been naughty ringing her mother at the hospital, which was very unlike her) and my daughter said her daughter had a urinary tract infection. As a registered nurse I knew this was unusual for a 6 year old child. I became suspicious. I rang my daughter this afternoon and she again told me it was none of my business. That she is the mother and it was not my right to suspect my granddaughter’s father of sexual misconduct. She was extremely aloof, and so was my granddaughter with me, it was an extremely short conversation and I am concerned. Very concerned that her father is interfering with her.

    My daughters ex-husband punched my daughter daily, and verbally abused her during the course of their short marriage. My daughter is already under the watchful eye of the Department of Childrens Services and her exhusband is trying to get custody of his daughter. What should I do?

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  14. Anonymous

    I’m 12, almost 13, and I’ve been concerned lately. My grandfather has been slapping my butt whenever I walk by or he walks by or when I hug him. It’s been making me really uncomfortable, but when I ask him to stop, he just gets mad and says that I shouldn’t take a joke so seriously.

    I definitely feel like it’s not a joke, and the fact that I’ve told him to stop and he hasn’t has been making me feel uncomfortable. Only a few days ago I had bought a bathing suit with my grandmother, and he made me “model” it for him while my grandmother wasn’t home. I told her later, but she dismissed it and said I shouldn’t worry. Also, sometimes if I’m on the couch, he’ll come sit next to me and literally start rubbing my thigh, and I have to get up quickly because I get nervous.

    At night sometimes I can’t sleep because of this, and I end up locking myself in the bathroom for hours, hoping nothing happens. I haven’t told anyone, but even my father is paranoid about my grandfather, saying if he does anything I should tell him immediately, but I’m afraid. What do I do? I really need help.

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    • It’s great that you aren’t just burying your discomfort. It doesn’t matter if you grandfather has ill intentions or not, you are uncomfortable and it’s okay for you do say “I don’t feel comfortable with that behavior.” Avoid “You make me feel uncomfortable” or anything that would assign blame. He may just be joking, but it doesn’t matter because you feel uncomfortable. It’s great that you told him how you feel, but I’d suggest that you say it in front of other people. Whenever he does anything that you are uncomfortable about say it and try to time it when other people are around so they can reenforce it. If he sits on the couch next to you, you can say thing like “nothing personal, but I just need more personal space.” It he slaps your bottom, “You may be joking, but it doesn’t feel funny to me so please stop.”

      If he only does these things when others aren’t around, repeat it when others are around. “Grandfather thinks it’s a joke to slap my butt. It doesn’t feel funny to me, so I asked him to stop.” You are reporting something that happened. You’re not accusing. You’re not saying he’s bad, just that it’s not funny to you. You’re not a little girl any more and what might have been a joke earlier, isn’t now.

      I don’t know your grandfather’s heart or intentions. But consider finding safe ways of interacting with him. Perhaps play cards or board games where you sit across a table from each other.

      If any man comes into your room at night, scream. Scream as loud as you can. Wake up everyone in the house. You were asleep, someone came into your room and you are scared so it’s okay for you to scream. If this happens when no one else is home, still scream. Make sure the man knows you will not be silent.

      I hope this helps.

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    • ana

      Tell your parents now, they will not be mad at you :) What your grandfather is doing in inappropriate and your dad won’t be able to help you unless you say something. Be strong. You can do it. Just tell your parents.

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    • Laylah

      My advice is you should tell your parents what has been going on. What your grandfather is doing is inappropriate, and his behavior may lead to sexual abuse. Tell your parents, they will be glad you did.

      Best

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    • Frances Williams

      Hello,
      Your grand father has no right rubbing, or touching you if it makes you feel uncomfortable. There is no mention of your mother or other relatives in your life. Tell your mother or someone else you trust. If you do not have a mother, or other family members to talk to then contact a school counselor. Your principal at school can locate a counselor for you. If all else fail call police. This does not sound like a safe place for you to visit. Stop all visits with grandma cause she seems clueless about how to protect you from your grandfather. Stay safe.

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  15. dhariya

    I was sexually molested from 5 to 12 years by maternal uncle…he touched my hymen and tell to touch his private part…he gave oral sex at age of 6 and 12, two times…but I escaped from penis, vaginal intercourse…now I am 24…till now survived, only by god’s grace…..I kept secret only with god, cry to him…I didn’t tell my parents….I don’t like to marry also because of this guilt….My parents searching for their bridegroom….Please suggest me how to solve this problem….that stupid man blames me.

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    • Victimized No More

      I can completly relate to you , dhyariya. A close relative started my torment when I was 8. Went on to the age of 13. The ONLY thing he didn’t make me do was intercourse. He told me not to Daddy or anyone. They would be angry at me and blame me. He also said he loved me so much and that was why he did that. I grew up NEVER telling a living soul. (only my wonderful counselor) and husband. I was also brutally raped by a police officer at 17. So now I am deathly afraid of them. I never will tell my family. This will be with me til death. Please seek counseling now! It has helped in so many ways. I know exactly what you feel and think. It is not your fault!! Keep telling yourself this! You did nothing wrong!

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  16. Heather

    We have two sons 2 and 5 years old. About 6 months ago we got a foster son who is 16. Tonight on a bike ride my 5 yo told me that ‘Andy’ put his pee pee against my pee pee. As I was putting him to bed tonight I asked him what was that he said about ‘Andy’ and he said the same thing. He then said…oh no. It was his wet finger that he touched me with and then he gave me candy. I didn’t want to press the conversation. I told him to not let anyone touch his pee pee.

    Now I’m freaking out! I recorded the conversation but what do I do now? Do I confront our foster son or have my son questioned by someone else like a professional?

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  17. Alli

    I was at work 4pm-10pm,came home and woke my 15 month old up. As soon as she saw me she started crying and being upset. I held her and asked her what was wrong. Are you okay? Mommy’s here. I asked her did something happen? She nodded her head yes. I said what happened? She starts rambling in baby talk and I couldn’t understand anything. I’m trying to ask her questions. Like yes no questions and she answers, but is hesitate and then nothing silence.

    I’m so confused. Am I being paranoid? In the household is me (mom), dad, baby and my brother (her uncle ) first time mom. I can be a hypochondriac.

    I held my hand in a circle and she slowly put her finger in the circle. I took her diaper off to look and change her. Everything looked normal. She started crying before I got a new diaper on and I put her on my lap and hugged her and she started peeing on my leg. I said you peed on me. She started crying more. She was acting tired and upset. Help. What do I do. I’m going insane. My mind is racing.

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  18. krish

    my girl friend has been sexually abused by her friend’s brother when she was at the age 7 till 9years old. . . . now she is 15years old will she remember those old things??. ..will it effect her in future?…she will be very happy with me but sometimes she will get too depressed w with out any reason..if I ask her for the reason she will say nothing….she dono that I knew about her childhood abuse.there are no changes in her behavior from past few years . . . .so please let me know any way to delete the bad history from her mind. . and I love her too much.. .I could not miss her please help me……

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  19. Concernedmom

    My husbands father lives a few hours away and we only see him a few times a year. He came down a few months ago to stay at our house with our three year old son while my husband and I were in the hospital having our daughter. Since then twice our son brought up how he doesn’t want his grandfather to watch him. Once to my husband and once to me, both times he shuts down and refuses to answer questions or look at us. This last time out of nowhere he said I don’t want pop to watch me go potty. He usually is very talkative and even when he gets in trouble he wants to tell you about it. It’s just not like him to close up like that. Since he watched him he has had bed/pants wetting issues and is very whinny and acting out but we thought that was him adjusting to his new sister. Now I’m not so sure. He love his sister and is great towards her. I’m not sure what to do. I hate to think something bad happened but the way he acts with the subject is not like him. I was thinking of taking him to a therapist that can help figure out what happened. Any advice to get him to open up?

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  20. Noone

    Hi, I have been sexual abused at home,
    By my brother, since I was little, I remember him asking me if he could his fingers in my vagina. I think he might have convinced me. The rest of the imagine is a blur. I might have told my parents about it, I don’t remember. I remember having the same problems, at work with my bosses. and work partners, either it was through touching me, or by telling me what they didn’t like about me. It has been quite difficult. This is all very dark for me, i don’t usually speak of these things. This happened when I was very young. What should I do to avoid these situations?
    Since I was a child I was constancy exposed to an sexual atmosphere, although for the majority of the time, it might have been innocent lust. Then my brother started to sexual touch me, I remember not wanting him to touch me. This situation with my brother, happened various times, i remember awhile growing up always have fights and battles with him. Because of his careless attitude towards me, he would usually win, being stronger.
    I think my brother still might be doing this.
    I also remember I began rubbing myself on blankets. I think once my mom caught me and told me not to do that, maybe. And being a little bit weird might I add. Although reading about it now. I was advice that those kind of actions should not be done, and when if they occur, you should advice the child not to do those perverted motions, learn to say no. This happened when I was younger then 10.

    Now my younger brother, has begun with the same attitude, of so what. Seriously? If I am in my room getting dressed don’t tell me that I shouldn’t scream at you, if you insist that you want to stay. that is just weird.
    Now I think my brother might be still involved. I remember my older brother coming into the room a few times, awhile I was naked and touching me. Still now my younger brother comes into my room sometimes when I am naked, when I scream at him to leave, he just looks at me smirks and questions me why.
    I remember being raped by a man awhile sleeping, with my brother beside him, not saying anything to him. Should I prank him? What should I do?
    Because of this any disagreement I have a tendency to snap instead of being more mature. What has helped me, is by letting moments go, when it has to do with something personal, which involves two people. That think differently about something, there is no reason to get caught up about it. Just breathe in and let it go, when that person comes to have a conversation with you again, don’t be still angry about yesterday. just forget. That is what has helped me especially when dealing with friends that are in relationships.
    My biggest fear during the fights between my two brothers was that i couldn’t do anything, I hated freezing. I wanted to be able to defend my brother! I have improved now, thankful, I am not so scared.

    I remember being (4-5 or younger) my dad spanking me, in front of my family. I remember being extremely embarrassed, and humiliated. I hated that he could see my butt.

    At one point in my life I did try to baby sit, but for some reason I think I shouldn’t be around younger kids. I am really scared that I am going to hurt them, by saying something I shouldn’t or misunderstanding. I have been in situations when the parents of some children I was watching over, started speaking to me to their child’s medical, situations. I was unaware of the situation and literal did what they didn’t want me to do. I am horrified. I never want to be around children anymore. I am really scared, because I started getting messages from the same family, asking me to return to them. I don’t want to see them again, definitely don’t want to put their kids through a traumatic situation.

    Also I love my families children, I don’t think that I am capable of being the mature enough with them, I guess I still have a long way to go. Not sure if this is the right place to be talking about this…..
    since I’ve experience these situations, some times I get really nervous, rapid heart beat, sweating a bunch, its suppose to be normal, and through talking it is suppose to help relieve the stress and increase calmness

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  21. Jan

    My granddaughters were potty trained at three. There dad was on deployment. When he came back THEY started wetting the bed again. He was deployed again and they stopped wetting the bed. He came back and they’ve been wetting bed ever since. They are now 8 yrs old. Their parents are not together for past year and half. He took them to Disney and they literally cried and begged their mom not to let them go. She is afraid if she doesn’t let him see them he will go for full custody and she won’t see them. At his home they were sharing a bedroom.. then he put them in separate rooms and now they told me they sleep with him. He knows they don’t want to go with him but he makes them go anyway. He started taking them to church and I’ve never heard the man speak of God or faith/religion in the ten years I’ve known him. One of the girls touched the other on her private (with her clothes on) and the other one hit her. She said GRAMA “she hit me”. I asked her sister why she hit her and she said because she touched me down there. I’ve asked them why they don’t like going to their dads and they say CAUSE they miss mommy. The one appears nervous and stares directly at me like she is trying to make sure I believe her. I’ve always told them if ANYONE ever touches them in the area THEIR bathing suit covers to tell me. They love me very much and always hug me very tight and repeatedly tell me they love me. It seems like they are afraid to talk about anything they do at their dad’s. I ask them if they had fun, did they go out for dinner, did daddy play with them and they’ll answer (ah”!) They don’t want to talk about it. I’m so fearful just by their actions, THEIR adamant pleading that they don’t want to go. This man can be very hateful and he is very authoritative with them. They don’t even want to hug or kiss him goodbye when he drops them off. None of the family seem too concerned and one says it doesn’t sound good but for me to keep my mouth shut THAT he is well off financially and could take them and we would never see them again. I’m tortured daily thinking about what they may be going through and if I’m wrong, MY ENTIRE family would fall apart. I wish I could afford a picture to check his computer and cell phones; to make sure there is not any pornographic material on it. I PRAY in wrong but they have so many signs of a child being molested on top of hating to go with him. PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE. THANK YOU

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    • Karen Lamb

      I am so sorry your granddaughters are going through this. You know what’s happening, maybe not in detail, but so what?

      My daughters went through the same thing with a military father. They are now grown with various issues. I always wonder what he did to my oldest. She seems to have a split personality at times that her significant other has also commented on. She has like a survival mode she goes into where she displays no respect or care for those who truly want to help her.

      I have received counseling for over two years and finally have been able to forge a decent relationship with her and keep her daughter when she works.

      Abuse is extremely difficult to prove and the military protected my ex-husband and allowed him to break court orders on their property on Ft Meade Maryland, keeping my children hostage at various times and they told me basically to go to hell when I asked them to escort me to his home and retrieve my children from him, court order in my hand. They thought it was hilarious.

      My oldest began wetting the bed profoundly until the age of about 13 when I helped fix it with herbs. It was mortifiying for her. She did report observing porn from the stairway after her bedtime when he had it on in the living room with his new wife, who basically black-mailed him into silence when she left him with their new daughter. She also assisted in fighting me for custody of my children that she didn’t even want in order to terrorize me and my daughters. The story is so outlandish that most people do not believe me. Only the people that were present in my life at the time know of the daily horrors that we went through for the four years that he lived in the same town as me.

      There is light at the end of the tunnel. They will likely survive and when they are adults they will find their own path to healing. Drug abuse and excessive drinking on their part gets really scary, but be there for them if it happens. Just keep insisting that you love them no matter how much they may wind up turning on you later. They will return to you when they begin to heal. It all happened to me, they turned on me and blamed my weakness for his abuse towards them, mental and psychological, sexual has never been admitted to me.

      My youngest is convinced her older sister has been severely screwed up by their father, but tells me there is no way she would ever tell. His mind control is incredibly strong. They will make it. Just pray and let the time pass, their healing will come, just as all of ours will eventually.

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  22. Jennifer

    A child will not necessarily act differently if they have been sexually abused. They also may have just been fondled externally, or are being asked to do things that do not leave physical signs. (Oral intercourse, etc.)
    Just believe what they say. And if they say something strange about a babysitter, or family member, please don’t let that person babysit them.

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  23. Anne

    If I told all, it would end up, being a novel. I am a 55 yr old woman, mum died at the age of 35, and left 6 kids. I was one of them. I remember being in bed, asleep, with my sister at my side, in a double bed. I, remember the warm feeling going on below (my lady garden), thought I may need the loo. Then a slight pull on my pubic hair. Then I was awake….. In the dark, heart pounding, just, stiff, unable to move. Ice, was running from, my feet up toward my chest. Who the hell was doing this, to me, my dad, or one of my 4 brothers? The shear fear, of turning around or just screaming, wasn’t an option, because now the finger was in me, not hurting, just there, and my heart racing. That was the first time I remember. There were many more to come. I was probably about 11 years old. Started my period when I was 11, not long before my mum died. She made such a big fuss about my period. Kept me off school, bought me sweats and Dr Whites, and told me, that I was growing into a beautiful lady…

    At 25, I had my daughter, at 22, my sister had her son (10 weeks between them). We went out, 1st time since the kids were born. She says “when we were kids, did anything, ever happen to you”, ‘ME’ like what, what do you mean? Anyway, it would seem, that my brother got to her as well, NOT to the same extent, just, that when she was asleep, he would go into the SAME ROOM (I am 16 now, and working away from home) get her hand, and do the full masterbation thing… I can’t even finish this, to emotional. Sorry, I will try and come back.

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  24. Gracelove

    My daughter is going to be three in a few months. She’s said twice to me that “papa spanks my yaya”. My husbands father, her grandfather only watches her a day a week. She came home today and when she was going for a nap I had to put a diaper on. She said “my yaya hurts” I asked her why and she told me papa spanks my yaya. I don’t know what to do. Is she telling the truth? Why would he spank her yaya? I’m so confused. I want to protect my child if this is true but I don’t want to start a family feud if she’s just fibbing. Please I need advice

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    • Rose

      I’m in a similar situation, hence why I am here. But is say, she has no reason to lie. You better take her to a clinic, ASAP. I’m sorry, good luck.

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    • April

      DO NOT let it go! Im sure there is something to what she is telling you. Family or not, its your job to protect her. Its too easy to think too little cause its famly and she’s young. I should know I did the same thing and found out much later there was truth to the things my boys were saying.

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  25. Jasmin

    Hey I’m 13 and i don’t know what i should do. My grandpa touched my breast when i was “sleeping” and i don’t know if i should tell my dad because everyone loves my grandpa, but at times i feel like i don’t want to be near him. He has done this twice when i was 11 and now what should i do? i don’t want to cause any trouble with my family, but i believe that my family won’t believe me. Can you help?

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    • Rose

      Please tell honey, don’t let anything stop you. Its not ok and its not your fault. It will be ok, please tell someone.

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    • Hailey

      I would take this very seriously Im 23 years old and I was molested from the age of 2 till around 14. My life is still in ruins and my brothers father who hasnt been in my life sence I was 15. I can barely have a normal sex life with my fiance. I am scared too report my stepdad because he threatend my moms life in the past. May the Grace of god Heal your daughter so that she wont grow up with as many issues as i do. just at the age of two the body will remember trauma, I personally would have the grandpa put on a lie dector test and keep him out of your life. also put him on the sex offendor list for the neghiborhood.
      Im here for you and I want too pray for you and help you in anyway that I can! you dont deserve that too happen too you.

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    • Anne

      Jasmin, I made the mistake of not turning around and confronting the one who was doing this to me… If I could go back in time, I would just, turn around, look them in the eye and say “I’m ok, the covers are fine, and just GET OUT OF MY ROOM”. I, Don’t think, this would ever happen again.. Please, don’t let this continue, because, it will follow YOU, through the whole of your life… STOP IT NOW. It may seem awkward, but it is the best thing for you.. Cos you were brave, and you would be stopping, stuff from happening again. Hope this is helpful! That’s what I would do NOW! X

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    • Anne

      Have replied. Hope you got the message.. Chin up. X

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    • April

      Please tell sweetheart. Its not your fault. Dont let anyone tell you otherwise. If he’s doing it to you he;s doing it to someone else.

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  26. Cheryl

    I work and my dad watches my son who is 3 years old. The other day when I was laying on my bed, my son opened his mouth and was moving his head up and down like he was Re acting oral Sex. I said what are you doing, don’t do that and my son smiled like he thought it was funny. I really do not think my dad would do anything to my son. But in the past, around a year ago or more, I over heard my dad say to my son while he had him in his arms, “it’s our secret” so I asked him what did he say and my dad said defensively he knows. But I then had to leave for work. Sometimes when my dad leaves he says bye to my son and asks him for a kiss, but when my son doesn’t he kisses him but I think it’s forcefully. Also some times, not all the time, when my son doesn’t want to play or be affectionate my dad doesn’t seem to acknowledge my son doesn’t want to be hugged. So I say he doesn’t want too hug or whatever it is. I don’t know if I’m reading into things but I just have a horrible feeling, but I’m not sure if I’m reading into things.

    My son hasn’t shown any more signs or anything and think my dad is just being affectionate, but I’m not sure at all and my son wouldn’t know either what I’m on about if I asked him. My dad would also always changes his nappy and say I will do it. My dad is helpful so I’m not sure if he’s just being helpful or not. I once did say something as he always smacked his bottom when he was fully dressed and I said once what are you always tapping his bum for and my dad said what’s up with you do you think on a pervert or something? That was a long time ago now and he doesn’t tap his bottom all the time now. Am I over reacting or is my dads behaviour odd?

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    • ali

      Better safe than sorry. Please take your child elsewhere to be watched. Going to work is not more important than keeping your child safe. You could request time off to get your son in a child care place you can trust and visit whenever you like. This way there are always people all around. Trust your gut, but don’t accuse. Maybe you could just tell your dad it is time for your son to be around other kids (i’m not saying he has to but that is an excuse to use if you are afraid to let on any apprehension). Better to hurt your dad’s feelings than to have your son one day tell you things were going on.
      Pray to God and He will guide and comfort you. But take action

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    • Hailey

      I would take this very seriously Im 23 years old and I was molested from the age of 2 till around 14. My life is still in ruins and my brothers father who hasnt been in my life sence I was 15. I can barely have a normal sex life with my fiance. I am scared too report my stepdad because he threatend my moms life in the past. May the Grace of god Heal your daughter so that she wont grow up with as many issues as i do. just at the age of two the body will remember trauma, I personally would have the grandpa put on a lie dector test and keep him out of your life. as hard as that will be, the pain your child will go through is worse. also put him on the sex offendor list for the neghiborhood.
      Im here for you and I want too pray for you and help you in anyway that I can! you dont deserve that too happen too you. and the sighns are all there your dad is molesting your son.

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  27. Aunt needs advice...

    My niece was molested by her father for many years beginning when she was a child. Her mom & dad have been divorced since she was a child as well. She told her mom when she was 19, but they decided not to involve the police. She did not want to get her father in trouble & has continued to see him…possibly even choosing to have sex with him at times.The last straw for me was when she was 21 & tried to sleep with my father…yes, her grandfather. They got drunk together one night when his wife was out of town & orally pleasured each other. She didn’t hesitate to call the police on him (which I totally agree with), but he got off w/ a well paid lawyer.

    It has always bothered me that her father got off free as a bird. My question is…is there anything I can do about it now? Can I still report him for his past behavior? Can I report him even if we don’t live in the same city? Even if my niece doesn’t press charges against him the DA can still go forward with the case, right? Thank you for your suggestions & advice.

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  28. Katherine

    Can an 11 year old boy be sexually manipulated by a 12 year old boy? My closest guy friend just confessed his darkest secret. He is now 26 years old and he says he has been affected by his past.

    When he was 11 he used to watch porn with a 12 year old boy and all the boys from his neighborhood. After a while the 12 years old convinced him that it was very normal for kids their age to do dirty and intimate things. Only when they were alone things would happen.

    I think that if an 11 year old already watched porn by that age he cannot be influenced or manipulated into doing things like that, but then again I believe there are strong and weak minds. Maybe the 12 year old boy was smart and my friend was too innocent and nice. (He is still a very nice/polite guy.) Ever since he told me this I’ve been very uncomfortable with the situation.

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  29. Misti

    My daughter told me that her daddy’s girlfriend touched her so i called the cops. There was nothing found on the physical examination, but they didn’t do anything else. CPS dropped it after 2 weeks and the cops didn’t do anything. I still have to send my daughter over there for visitation and his girlfriend lives with him. She is overly affectionate — it’s the nicest way I can put it, and her behavior has changed dramatically. I don’t know what to do now to keep my daughter safe.

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  30. Lee lee

    My daughter has a friend and her step dad was trying to have sex with her. Her friend was crying and upset so my daughter and I tried to find her friends house and when we did the police had already had her step dad in the police truck. Time went by then one day my daughters friend who has stated out of no where her mom did not want her daughter to be her friend any more. My daughter feels used and sad because she lost a friend. Can anyone give your opinion.

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  31. worriedmum21

    My story is a bit odd, my dad molested me 3 times when I was 13, 14 and 15 and always said don’t tell my mum, and I found out my mum was going away overnight again and I was scared so I told a friend who told the school and went through the cps process. I then found out my mum would lose everything if my dad was convicted. So I told everyone I lied cause I love my mum and sister and they hated me and never believed me, and didn’t want to end up back in care as I am adopted. So I forgave my dad, for my mums sake.

    I recently had my daughter 2 1/2 stay with them as my depression was bad and my dad said how bad he was feeling about what had happened and how he wanted to kill himself. Now she’s always playing with her vagina and using her fingers and I’ve caught her about to use a dino’s tail and books and my friends are worried that she might be going through it.

    I don’t want to believe it as my dad seemed genuine disgusted with himself. And I don’t know what to think. I’m worried it could be happening, I’m going to speak to health to see if it’s normal, but I was just looking online to see what’s online and wondered if anyone had any thoughts.

    Thanks.

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    • Sheila

      Just my thoughts, no judgments here. If you chose to forgive that is okay. Forgiveness is good for you. BUT, never forget what he was capable of. It is like a disease. Like alcoholism. Some feel bad, may even regret, but in most cases will do it again. I would encourage you to get her checked for sure and never leave her alone with him again. Seek assistance if you need to. Not something you should be ashamed of for yourself or your daughter. Help is out there. I was molested by my grandfather at a young age but old enough to know it was wrong. I did tell my dad and was accused of being a lying whore. I was in grade school. I didn’t tell anybody for years. It messes with your head for a long time if you don’t tell somebody and get it out. The whole world doesn’t have to know but you need to tell somebody. I later found out that I was only one in many that he had done this too.

      This may not help but I will pray things work out for the best for you.
      You are not alone.

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  32. susan

    My daughter was abused by my ex husband. I went straight to the police when she told me. I left him right away. In our divorce it said if he was found not guilty by a jury then he would have regular visitation of our son. Well here it is two years later and we finally went to court. My daughter was questioned and physically examined and put on a witness stand. All for nothing the jury found him not guilty. Now I have to let my son go stay with him the whole moth of July. I don’t know what to do I have no legal standing how can I protect my child?

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  33. bow

    I have a 3year old girl who can not speak. She is watched by her father a lot due to I work a lot. One night I came home from work. I got a pull up to change her and she said, “boo boo”. I said where and she pointed to her whoo hoo. I asked again, but she didn’t answer. I need to know if this is a first sign or what. Please help before it too late …

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  34. Diamond

    I have a 12 year old step daughter. I’m concerned that every time she plays with her Dad, she always lie on her back and start rubbing herself. Not only that, he’ll get out the bed with me and would go lie in her twin size bed 4,5,6 a.m. waking her up to play! Not only that if we’re all in the bed together he won’t spoon hold her if I’m there, but if I walk off or seem to act as if not paying attention then he’ll spoon her. Not only that now, I’ve been trying to wrap my head around this for eight months now. I know there’s nothing wrong with being affection to your kid, but something is rubbing me the wrong way. Not only that he keeps making every excuse of why she do certain things… I don’t think a well developed pre-teen should be spooning nor sleeping in the bed with him, especially since he sleeps in his underwear. Not only that I can’t walk around with boxers and a long shirt, but he walks around in boxers all day where you can see all form of his man parts!!!

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    • Danielle

      I don’t understand why you have let that go down. She is 12. None of that crap is normal. Sounds like a problem that has been going on for a long time at that. You need to contact authorities. She needs a counselor to find out what he’s doing to her. No respectful man walks around that way in front of his or anyone’s daughters. You seem to be way too passive with this. DO SOMETHING.

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    • no name

      Omg she needs help 8 month is a long time to be letting that happen and sleeping together at age is way messed up.

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    • ashton

      You should call cps and report it to the police. What if it was your daughter. Wouldn’t you save her?

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    • Rose

      This is NOT normal no grown man should be in his 12 year old daughter’s bed ever! All of this sounds very inappropriate!

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  35. KS

    My children have been with their father for the last 4 months. Tonight he called me and informed me that the oldest(4) had pulled the youngest(2 1/2) diaper aside and inserted her fingers in her private parts. Upon questioning she said that my fiance does that and when asked how he touches her she pulled her panties aside and inserted 2 fingers. He asked her if he touches her on the potty and / or bed and she said yes to both.

    Up until recently she had been seeing a therapist and the therapist saw no signs of abuse and neither of us has seen this behavior before.

    My children have not seen my fiance in 7 months they were with my mom who is a nurse practitioner for the 3 months before they went to their dad. We are very upset and do not know if we should be concerned or if this is an innocent misunderstanding. I don’t think my fiance could do this, but I don’t want to just blow it off.

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    • shannon

      I’m not a doctor. I have a BA in Psych. A lot of times what a child is saying they didn’t experience but saw. Has the child ever maybe walked in on you and your fiance? Could she have seen thus happen. And then enacted it? Children. Can have a delay in letting f those around them know about the abuse or show signs of the abuse though so it is possible she has been touched inappropriately.

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  36. Eric

    I granddaughter always crys when she goes to her dads she is half Mexican /black she is a beautiful 4year old she always comes back acting kind of odd like not being her self a little rebailous with us she likes to play in closet that is a play room lays down covers up with blanket and then we check on her and she has taken off her lower clothes naked ask her why no answer she also likes to take off her dolls clothes and then she opens the dolls legs and when she sits down she is always opening her legs then looks at me like she wants to see if I’m looking I tell her young lady’s don’t sit like that and that she needs to respect her self in order for other people to respect her I know some of these words seem to be said to an older child but the lord has blessed us with a very intelligent grandchild and I am very concerned about her also I don’t think her dad would do any thing to her would harm her in any way but there are other kids in his house one 18 yr old and her brother 12yr old and a sister 8 yr old. Now she has told us at one time her sister did nasty things to her and my daughter told her x boyfriend but what made her sister who is only 8 prompted her to do that she is so young but any my grandchild crys a lot every time she has to go to her dads house I mean real bad it causes us to cry and worry till she comes back we even thought of not letting her go to her dads but that would go against the court order would you please tell us of the signs that I mention of what you think is going on. In desperate need of a course of action thank you.

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    • nicole boyer

      Have this dealt with. Omg. You must.

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      • Danielle

        Wow. Call child protective services!!!

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    • nicole boyer

      Call your pediatrician. Consult andhave the eexams, interview, and the nextstep will be to alert authorities. If you bring it to the attention of school and licences child care providers they will also be inclined to take appropriate action.

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    • Victoria

      If she is crying like that please don’t let her go there:(

      I was molested by my step dad and I acted the same way when I went to my mom’s house as a child because my parents weren’t together. Please sit her down and make her feel safe to talk — maybe something is wrong with the dads house. Just look into it. Take her to a doctor to be examined after the visit with the dad …. I’m praying for the previous princess.

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    • Danielle

      Also, if you call child services they will prompt you to go get her examined regardless. If no physical evidence… she will need counseling, where they will try and nicely find out what is going on without freaking her out. Good luck and I pray that she is not being abused.

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  37. Annon

    My daughter told me last year her grandfather had molested her. I believed my daughter immediately, she is 8 years old and the way she described the contact was not something she would have been aware , but said it was too late to get DNA evidence, so I went home and acted as normal as possible with my daughter. We got back into her normal routine as she has and bathed her that night to receive a phone call the following day saying policies had changed and they could now examine her and collect DNA but I’d already bathed her.

    It’s been 6 months now and he is still out on bail and the Crown prosecution services still haven’t decided whether or not they are going to charge him! After the first discloser my husband’s sister came forward with regards to prehistoric abuse she suffered at the hands of him and that her mother had known all about it and has constantly called her a liar and a trouble causer.

    A niece of my father in law has also said he sexually assaulted her at the age of 18, but she can’t relive it anymore and has refused to go to the police.

    Why aren’t the police doing anything to punish this vile man and give everyone closure? It’s horrible and it’s still going on. I don’t know how much I can take not knowing whether he is going to be held accountable for his actions in ruining everyone’s lives. Also I believe my mother in law should be held accountable. She has known for 27 years that this man is a peodophile and yet she hasn’t protected anyone from him and he has repeated his abuse from daughter, to niece, to granddaughter while she still protects him and has lied for him to the police.

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  38. anna

    My daughter suffered sexual battery from her grandfather when she was six. She is now sixteen. Will she be ok as she grows up?

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    • chethan krish

      my girlfriend was sexually abused by one of her friend’s brother when she was at the age of 6 till at the age of 8…now she is 15 will she remember those old stuffs and will she be alright with me….she dono that i know about her abuse…will she get disturb by that old memories??.please help me to take care of her…I LOVE HER A LOT.but i dont want to see her sad again…..she will be happy with me but sometimes she used to get dipressed and when i ask her what happend?she tells nothing….please help he…..

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    • Frances Williams

      Those are signs of abuse. Family members will molest a younger sibling and it sounds like that is what is happening. Call the Department of Children Service (DCS).

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  39. Susan

    My daughter is 35 months old. She came back from her dad’s house and was totally having a panic attack when I wanted to change her diaper. Then, the next day, she put her finger towards her vagina (with clothes on) and said daddy hurt me like that. When she said “like that” she would hit her vagina. She repeated this 4 times. She then said she got a white Booboo, but it’s all gone. While talking about Booboo she pointed towards her butt.

    Then third day after visiting her dad, I was lying on the floor. She turned me over and then brought her face very close to my buttocks and spit.

    My am VERY concerned. Don’t know what the heck is going on.

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    • Anonymous

      call the police

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    • Anonymous

      Holy sh*t CALL THE GOD DAMN POLICE!

      My daughter was abused by a neighbor who’s wife babysat her; the “diaper rash” she developed was because of him :'( It was full on rape. He raped my baby. She was only 3 years old.

      Your baby is being raped. Now is NOT the time to have doubts, be uncomfortable (etc). Don’t second guess yourself! I did and this happened to my baby because of it. I didn’t trust my gut.

      Get. On. The. Phone. Now!

      The sooner you can get her into a specialist, the better! They can do an examination to see if there is any damage to her genetalia or rectum.

      They will help you go from there.

      Stop being in denial, denial can kill your kids soul.

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    • anyomous

      I think you should avoid him and not let him be around your daughter and if he won’t go away then you should get the law enforcement involved they handle cases like this a lot most of them get dismissed though if you don’t have a witness or evidence but for your daughters sake I hope you do whatever you can to protect her.. As for your baby I think you should tell her that doing those innapropriate things is a no no and that no one should do those things to her

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      • Milan McCandle

        To Anonymous,

        NO. She should NOT only get law enforcement involved if he won’t go away.

        Secondly, that is ridiculous that you suggest that this mother should put the responsibility for preventing this abuse on a BABY. The way you put it could cause the baby to think that SHE caused the abuse by allowing a “no no”.

        She is not in control. Most creeps that do this threaten the child if they tell, and threaten them in horrific ways. My child was told that Mommy would be killed if my child told. We had to be away from my ex for over a year, that means, my child did not see my ex, hear my ex, or have anything to do with my ex before my child told me what happened.

        The reason my child felt it was ok to tell me, is that I had a chat about how these people work. I started out by saying that people who want to touch children will threaten them or someone or something they love. I had no idea that my child had already been abused. That is when I was told; it all came out then. I was shocked that it took that long to tell me.

        The symptoms were very persistent trouble falling asleep; anxiety; many fears; nightmares; and excessive preoccupation with genitals, among other things.

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        • Tanji

          ^^^ EXACTLY!!! ^^^, like wth?!!

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    • Victoria

      Omg ;( please believe her and get to the bottom of this . That poor baby

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    • Danielle

      This is self explanitory. This post should have actually been a call to police instead.

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  40. megan

    My almost three year old is watched by my dad every other Monday and each day other than that she is with her dad. My dad had me call him and said he didn’t know how to tell me what he was about to tell me, but he was changing Lily’s diaper and Lily pointed to her vagina like she was showing him and pointed out her Dolly’s and showed him as well. I told him she is probably just at the age where she is realizing she has those body parts, but I don’t want to be wrong. He is worried that maybe she is being messed with at her dad’s by her dad who is a oddball himself. Should I go get help or wait to see how she acts next? I am at a loss here. I want to protect her if some thing’s wrong, but I don’t know if it is just an overreaction.

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  41. Jesse

    I have a question this happened to my cousin. Her cousin had got in the bed with her and put her hand in her pants and started to rubbed her butt while she was sleeping and that is it. Is that considered as rape. My cousin asked me but I told her I didn’t know.

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    • Frank

      Yes that was rape

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    • shannon

      Sexual assault is what it is. Any unwanted touch that gives sexual gratification to the other person is sexual assault and yes it is.

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  42. Mimi

    When my daughter was 3 years old I caught her one day fingering herself, I almost fainted and immediately thought something or somebody had done that to her.

    My daughter is now 4years old and she likes twirking and sexual dancing. This morning, today 31-03-2015 I was getting her ready for school. While dressing her up she told me mum, my hand wants to play with my vagina. I said to her what made her think her hand wants to play with her private part she said said she feels and think so.

    I had gone depressed the whole of today with bad thoughts, since she came back from school, I had asked her to confide in me and tell me the truth if someone is doing something or has done something to her, but all her answers are NO.

    She went to the weekend to her dad and her dad is teaching her to keep secrets from me, what do I do about this developments? Where do I go from here? Help a single mother thanks.

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    • Anonymous

      It grieves me to think that someone might have engaged in an inappropriate act with your child. However, How did you find out that her father has been having her keep secrets from you? Is that something she told you or something you suspect? If it turns out that her father has been having her keep secrets from you I personally feel that you should immediately take your daughter to be seen by a child specialist so that they can talk to her about what she recalls about those secrets.

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    • shannon

      She is at a normal age of exploring her body. Oh I have an ear hole I stick my finger in it….oh I have a but hole I’m gunna check that out for sure. But she does explore the vagina area it feels good no matter the age. Children work on a level of if it feels good…do it. You need to teach her appropriate times and ways to do this. I have told my client to take themselves to a private area and make sure they are alone. They can do whatever as long as no objects are placed anywhere.

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  43. Anonymous

    At age 12 my mother left me alone with her friend’s son, I think he and I were around if not the same age. My mother said that if I didn’t mind him or if I went outside she would spank me, if he told her when she got back. As soon as she left he chased me to the bathroom where I thought I could hide but the bathroom door wouldn’t lock so he pushed himself in and told me that he was going to put his d- – k into my butt and I cried no! But he took it out showed it to me and he really hurt me so bad. I cried so much and he still wouldn’t stop. He threatened me that he would tell my mother that I went outside and that she would spank me for it.

    When our mothers came back I secretly hated my mother because she never even asked me what happened or if anything had happened. I couldn’t understand how she could just leave me alone with him, how could she trust him to look after me knowing that she had been molested by her oldest sister’s husband and how much it scarred her. When I became an adult I told her what he did to me and all she could say to me is that I was too young to even remember something like that — that it didn’t happen and that it couldn’t have happened to me. All I could do was cry because if my own mother wouldn’t believe me then who was going to believe me.

    I told my oldest sister and she cried for me and I felt a little relief but still violated, dirty and disgusted in my own skin. In 2006 or 2007 (exact month I can’t remember) but my oldest sister called me and asked me had I seen the newspaper. I said no, why? She said that xxxxxx was arrested for kidnapping and molesting a girl in Adelanto, CA and he was being sentenced to life in prison. I hurried out got that newspaper and it was true he had been caught and taken off the streets. I called my mother crying on the phone saying moma they caught him they finally caught xxxxxx he had snatched a girl off the streets and done some horrible, unspeakable things to her and once again my mother said I couldn’t even remember what his face looked like being so young when she left me alone with him in 1977, and there’s absolutely no way I could even remember his name. But I did remember his whole name and his face and I know for certain he was that same person. Again my mother didn’t believe me and that hurt me so much for some reason I remember gasping for air and feeling like my chest was caving in and an overwhelming feeling of shame and grief.

    I also used to have continuous nightmares of me wanting to have sex with my dad and sometimes I would even imagine myself actually doing it with him through day dreaming, it’s not that I actually wanted to have sex with my father or that he had sex with me I do not know why I was having those distorted nightmares and daydreams.

    There is so much of my childhood that I actually can not remember and I should be able to but there are even large times in my childhood when I do not even remember my own mother being in my life, but my sisters says she was there so why can’t I remember her being there and I’ve told her I can’t remember her being there or why I have blocked out that long period of time that my sisters say she was there.

    At age 6yrs I remember me and my sisters being home alone and my sisters let some older boys in and they went into the room with those boys and one of the boys stayed in the livingroom with me and he told me if he get his finger in then he was going to put himself into me and he stuck his hands down my undies and tried to force his finger into my private but it wouldn’t fit and I cried and I cried I want my moma and then I heard my sisters and those boys laughing at me. I can’t remember if he did or didn’t still touch me or put himself into me after that, I just can’t remember much after that it’s like from that time up until 6 years later when xxxxx sodomized me at 12 years old I can’t even remember anything it’s like my memory got wiped out for 6 whole years.

    Mothers please listen to your children and please do not threaten to harm them if they do not do what someone else tells them to do. Please do not give that type of power to anyone to use as a weapon against your children.

    Although I understand now that what happened to me was not my fault I know that as much as I love my mother I will always have some type of resentment for her for not believing me and protecting me, the pain and the shame never goes away. I just have learned to live with it and I shouldn’t have had to go through it in the first place.

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    • I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through. You are so right. Mothers (and fathers) should not give other people power over their children. We should all listen to our children, even if they are telling us things we do not want to hear. As parents we need to be our children’s first and most powerful defender against all the bad things that might happen to them.

      Thank you for this powerful warning.

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      • Anonymous

        Thank you for your warm understanding and for helping spread the word to parents to not give others power over their children.

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      • Lee lee

        Omg! You be strong and someday when you have children you are going to have a hard time trusting anyone with yr children. Believe me I know you are not alone. Its hard but just ask the Lord to give you strength. And have faith he will be there. Trust me I know. Take Care

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    • Danielle

      That’s horrible. Wish I could give you a hug. :(

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  44. Diana

    I am now 52 years old. I have gone my entire life with secrets that has scarred me and caused chronic major depression that I still to this day fight with. I have been to many therapist and psychiatric hospitals. I have kept incidences to myself and never told anyone. This nightmare needs to stop haunting me. One thing that had happen when I was around 8 years old. I was with my cousins husband one day. He had gotten out of the tractor to urinate. When he came back he had his penis out with a hard on, which at the time I had no clue that they were not always that big and hard. I remember thinking thinking that it was huge. He ask me to touch it. I remember it terrifying me. I have just realized that this was sexual abuse. I want to find out what type of sexual abuse they would have called this? I want to deal with all my demons that I have locked away in my closet but I am beyond scared to face it all.

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  45. concerned mom

    My 4 year old daughter has started putting socks in the front of her underwear while taking a nap. I have also caught her putting clothing items in the back of her underwear. She is secretive when she does this. She will go behind furniture or hide under the blankets while doing it. I have also woken her up from a nap and noticed that she has pulled the back of her underwear down around her bottom. When I ask her about it she gets embarrassed and says “I just like it”. I have asked her on several occasions if anyone has touched her and she always says no. Is this normal behavior for a 4 year old?

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    • shannon

      It is normal behavior. Kids are on a…if I do this…and it feels good…I’m gunna keep doing it. So its not an automatic thing that she has been touched or something has happened. I would have an open conversation with her about how it’s ok to touch if we do it away from others and in a safe way.

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  46. anonymous

    I work with kids while their mom and dad work out.
    A month ago this little girl started doing this thing where should would touch her vagina like she had to go to the bathroom so I’d ask her “do you have to go to the bathroom” and she’s say no, it’s just itchy and I tried to ask her about it but she’d say “let’s play Aunty!” so I let it go. A little over a week it happens again, where she’s holding her privates like she has to go to the bathroom. I ask her if she needs to use the bathroom and she gave me the same answer; it’s itchy and again I’d tried to ask questions but she didn’t want to talk so I left it alone. And at that point, I had a feeling something was wrong. I brought it up to my coworker and she played it off that shes just a kid and she might have a yeast infection or UTI because she also does swimming lessons at another gym. So I left it alone and today while we were coloring and she did that thing where she holds her vagina, so I asked again and she confessed to me that there’s a “big boy” that touches her at school. She told me that he’s done it before and she told her mom, but she doesn’t believe her. She had told me that this boy “punches” her but when I asked her to stand up and show me her demonstration was of her putting her 2 fingers and demonstrating what looked like this boy fingering her really hardly; so I can see where the “punching” would come from. I asked her a bunch of questions and she was just really open and comfortable talking to me. When I asked her the questions they were asked differently and each time the answer was the same. :(
    I haven’t brought anything up to her mom because I’m following protocols and reporting it first and going from there. I told my coworker what she said today and she said she told her the same thing but all she told her was that “a boy at school touches me” but didn’t go into my further detail, like she did with me. Again my coworker didn’t really believe me much; she again played it off that she got it from tv but I call BS because no child should be watching anything that has to do with rape or whatever. And if she is; shame on her parents. My coworker told her mom what he told her mom what she saw and was but I’m not going to say anything to her… I wanna do this the right way since I seem to be the only one who cares.

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    • Marie Wallace

      Always a difficult situation, but your job it to protect those kids. So you listen to your instincts and follow protocol and have that investigated. She told you detail because she trusted you enough. What you’re doing is great, report that. Better safe than sorry.

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    • Danielle

      Woah. Your co worker needs a new job. How insensitive. Poor little kid.

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    • Wendy H

      Sending you lots of love. You did the right. Dot. Even doubt it for a second. You will save this child heart ache and grief. As a mother , I can only appreciate the guts it took and hope this child’s mother will too. You are a hero.

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      • Wendy H

        *correction. Don’t doubt it for a second

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  47. melody

    My 3 daughters revealed to me that my brother molested them when they were children. They are all adults now with children. My brother was then a teenager up to age 17 while this was going on.

    They have different stories, but all said he would take them into a dark room. Never penetrating them, but exposing himself and having them use feathers on his penis or some other act. My oldest child when 5 said he tried to put his hand down her pajama’s while she was asleep, but she woke up to the telephone ringing and he stopped.

    When they exposed this in their 30’s to us we confronted him and he went crazy on us denying it saying it was all lies and he would never do that to his nieces. My brother has been a Christian for many years now and he has tried hard to do what is right. He is a good person taking care of my mother (he and his wife). Very loving to all his family.

    He says they are false memories they have, but I think he has repressed memories of it all. He sent me a video of false memories and what happens.

    He did do drugs when he was at that age so I think he may be repressing it. He begs me to believe him and its tearing up my family.

    Can it be False memories if more than 1 is blaming him? I’m very sad and don’t know what to do. I really do believe my girls, but what do I say to him?

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    • Marie Wallace

      You say your kids are adults now, being molested, especially by someone close to you and someone you trust is something that never leaves a person’s mind. You should always believe your kids. No, he isn’t repressing anything; he’s denying it. Being molested as a child the kids tend to push it down and forget about it, but as you become an adult that’s when it all comes back out eating at the brain. The worst part about the whole thing is not having your own mother believing you.

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    • Danielle

      So you are going to believe him over your grown daughters? His anger screams guilt. Being a Christian means NOTHING in this situation. Stop second guessing your daughters. You shouldn’t even be considering remaining friendly with him. What a shame.

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  48. Joseph

    After 200 pages filed for proof of abuse and neglect via text, video, ER and Urgent Care visits, letters to the White House, Congress, Fathers Rights Activists, legal representation and more show over a year of REPEATED contusions, bruises, lacerations, severe diaper rash, red flags of sexual abuse (seven attempts for explanations to mother via text ignored*** all copies of abuse and negligence provided to FCS and law enforcement), I still can’t get a single individual to read a file of “facts”, not “opinion”.

    Yesterday, after four discussions all saved and on file from last year regarding severe diaper rash and abuse concerns, (April, June, August, September), once again severe diaper rash from mother care was text at 9pm stating the day ran out of Desitin, “100% allergic to A&D”. These above dates have the same discussion and I even attached 7 websites on the texts discussing ONLY using Desitin. Which she agrees through text to only use. I bought A&D today, contacted a dermatologist, and administered three different area tests for over an hour on each. Zero reaction at all. All on video. Anyone know an entity that respects realistic children’s rights and equality in judgement for protection through facts and not our systems that allow and harbour abuse???

    No child should have to have hundreds of pages of proof to be safe. He is a two year old boy. Enough is enough already. It doesn’t matter if I’m a father or a mother or he said she said. A child has and is continuing to be placed in this situation all while actual proof of all of the above incidents have been given to the organizations that are put in place to make sure this doesn’t happen to children.

    Any advice on a realistic option to protect my son is better then praying he’s coming back to me safe every second he’s subjected to the environment his mother allows him to be under.

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  49. Tammy

    I have 7 year old granddaughter that has been molested by the mom’s boyfriend. He had admitted to her mom that he put his penis up to her daughter’s vagina, but only touched it, but didn’t actually put it in.

    We talked to my granddaughter and she said no one has touched her in anyway, but the time he did this she was sleeping. My question, it has been about a year since it happen and we just found out. Can they tell whether or not he did go all the way? She acts normal, she doesn’t have any of the signs mentioned in recognizing sexual abuse, she was asleep when he did this. Your help would be greatly appreciated!

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  50. Mia

    I think my brother might be a child molester.

    When my daughter was 2 months old he used to try to put his finger in her mouth. I breast fed her so she liked to try to suck on things and my brother, who at the time was 25, kept trying to put his finger in her mouth then every time I changed her diaper he would glance over.

    I couldn’t get mad because I live with my mother. I just left my ex-husband and I had no where else to go and my mother would defend my brother every time I got upset about him looking, so I started taking her to my bedroom to change her diapers. Also her highchair is right in front in the bathroom and I’ll be cooking or doing dishes and I don’t know what he does but he stands in front of the bathroom then my daughter starts crying or getting mad. He’s also been acting sneaky like I had to go to the bathroom so I left her in her stroller in the living room and when I came out he like ran away from her and tried to act like he wasn’t doing anything.

    I’m so worried about my daughter.

    When I use the bathroom I have to put her in her crib in my room so she stays safe, but that doesn’t help. I’m afraid he will try to sneak into my room and do something to her. I’m always worried about her. I wish my mom would listen to me, but she acts like I’m crazy when I tell her that I don’t want my daughter around him at all. It’s all.. so frustrating!!!

    I think I’m going to get a nanny cam and catch him in the act and put him in jail. No adult should behave this way towards an innocent baby who can’t say no or talk or tell me who’s hurting her or touching her. If she could tell on him then I would probably end up jail for murdering him I hate child molesters.

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    • Drea

      Please try contacting a domestic violence hotline or a women’s shelter so that they can hook you up with the resources to get out of your mother’s house.

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      • Mia

        I did call the women’s shelter in my area and told them about my older brother being weird and that I felt it was unsafe for my daughter to be at my mothers but the lady I spoke to said that I didn’t fit their criteria since I wasn’t abused by any partner. So I’m still stuck with my daughter at my mother’s house. I would call my ex-husband, but his new girlfriend doesn’t want him to have anything to do with our daughter. So I try to keep my daughter with me at all times. Still I slipped up earlier today though I brought my daughter out of my room for lunch and I looked away for a second to throw away a piece of trash and when I turned to see what my baby was doing she was standing by him and he had his hand out with his hand turned upward. I glared at him and he said he was trying to grab his shoe which is BS.

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    • Danielle

      Wrong!!! You have every right to be mad!! I can’t read these anymore. STOP BEING A PUSHOVER. THIS IS YOUR CHILD! Why wouldn’t you tell him to back off and if he does it again that you’d make sure his body is never found. Helllooooo stand up for her!

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    • Danielle

      Your mother is a toxic person as well for that. Keep being firm with that weirdo brother of yours and scare the crap out of him as much as you can. Do not leave her for a minute alone.. take her in the bathroom somehow when you shower. Put her in a high chair in there and be quick. He is a creeper.

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  51. robin

    My child gets upset all the time. When I tell her something, she wets the bed. She ran away from my mom the other day. She tells me I don’t love her. The last guy I was with, some times wanted to spend time with her alone. She says she doesn’t want to be with me. What can I do?

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    • Wendy H

      How old is she?

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  52. Cathy

    I was sexually abused as a child. I will tell you now that all those warning signs are very true… But children can also be very smart and know how to hide it.

    What scared me into keeping the secret was when another child in our neighbourhood and her friend were found fondling each other naked. I was abused by an adult AND by older children. I also had to protect my little sister from being touched by other children but I don’t know if she got abused by an adult or not. I think she did.

    The incident was broadcasted through the whole neighbourhood, there was a big commotion, the families moved away and that was when my Mother started asking us sternly if anything happened to us. She would take us aside and ask repeatedly. It scared the hell out of me, because I thought I would get the whole family in trouble if I told.

    Some advice I would give to parents is to observe your child very carefully if they shows signs or tell you something and try not to scare them.

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    • Thank you for your honest and, I’m sure, painful reply. I’m so sorry you went through that in your childhood.

      Your advice seems so wise.

      Children read between the lines and behind our questions. They want to please so much that they sometimes even create the answer that they think we want to hear (or hide the answer they think we do not want to hear). Turning a blind eye to our fears isn’t wise either.

      I agree with observe, listen, protect.

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  53. India

    Please — fight like hell for your children. If you’re scared, get help but fight. You love him or/and her. Fight for your babies. Pray to God also to protect them and if anyone tries to harm them and take their purity they won’t be spared.

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  54. stxgal

    I have concerns about my 5 year old. This past Saturday I was in my room folding clothes and watching TV. I zoned out while my 5 year old and my 3 year old watched TV in the living room. I look out the door to check up on them and I see my five year old with her pants down undies still up and she was putting our new puppy in between her legs. I automatically asked her what was she doing and she got startled. I found it very odd and brought her in my room and started questioning her. Why was she doing that? What was the purpose? And then I started asking if someone ever touched her privates. Her eyes got watery and crying she told me after a good while that it was a little girl in the school bus she rides in the mornings. I asked her what she would do to her and she said she touch her over her jeans. I asked her if she ever told her to stop and she told me she did but the girl never stopped and that this had happened more than once. I went on monday to talk about my concerns with the counsler. She told me she was going to talk to my daughter and the little girl and their teachers. My daughters teacher said that she was one of her best students and that she has not noticed any changes in her. I received her call back and told me the little girl said she only ever hit her once but never anything else. I asked if she could ride in front of the buss with my oldest daughter which is in the 4th grade and they made that accomadation. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to take it further and get parties involved that are innocent or might be innocent. I’m thinking in some way maybe because she got startled and I got upset that she might have lied. I really dont know what to think. I myself was molested and raped at age 14. Being a victim I hate the thought of that happening to any one or especially any child. I have noticed that my daughter has been lying more and has been acting up more than usual. I know kids are kids and kids may explore themselves. I just dont know what to think or do or who to go to in this situation. Help! Advice?

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  55. Elizabeth

    My 4 year old son has to go to his dad’s house every other weekend. His father lives with his mother (takes care of her) and his fathers’ sister, and 3 cousins. The house is packed. The place is unkempt and has people coming and going. We have been through court and since he is his father, he has to have time with him. Lately he has done badly in pre-k. He can’t concentrate or pay attention. He has mood swings and yells at his step-father and me. We were laying in bed a few months ago and he said “Mommy, I love you so much I want to put my wiener (not a term he uses) in your pee-bug.” He said, “or is that what adults do?” All while laying on me and moving. I gently pushed him off me and said “No, honey. We do not do that. Who told you that?” He got embarrassed and stammered. Later that day he said “My Daddy said that is what you and ***** do.” He asked us why his cousins pee-bug is bigger then his. He has had blood while wiping and he said it hurts. He says this cousin, who is 12, is really mean to him and slams him on the ground and yells at him. He has recently started peeing all over the toilet and missing the toilet completely because he doesn’t pay attention. It’s like he zones out. Lastly, he tried to kiss me goodnight. He said “No, Mommy, you kiss like this.. Open your mouth. Put your tongue in my mouth.” I said, “Who did that to you. He told me his 12 year old cousins name.” What do I do?

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    • Michelle

      Elizabeth, reading this makes me very sad. To me, it’s obvious that something is going on when he is at his dad’s house. In my opinion, you need to get him away from that situation as soon as possible. I’m not a therapist, so I can’t tell you what to say to him, but definitely make sure he knows HE has done nothing wrong. I would make sure you get him to a psychologist that can determine what is happening and possibly get you the support you need to make sure he doesn’t go into that house again. Also, if this is a 12 year old molesting him – this is a child as well and he will need help. It won’t get better and doing nothing about it will only make it worse. He’s just a baby at 4, please protect him from this situation. Good luck.

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    • Wendy H

      I hope so Cw your post that you’ve taken your child to his pediatrician and reported these Incidents. It is obvious he is being molested. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong and watch over your baby. Straighten up your shoulders. You can get through this. But please deal with it!!!

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  56. gina

    I have a 2 month old baby girl in the system at the moment…I’m not saying something is happening or happened. But very concerned because she is not in my care. I would really like to know the signs or symptoms of sexual abuse on a newborn.

    Lately I noticed kind of a smell when I change her during our visits. And yesterday she was sickly, and gummy eyed. My first girl…but I heard that girls have a wall or a block in their Vagina…is this true?

    How can you notice or see if the wall is broken (entered)? And where would the bruising be? Can you see anything else that would be different down there? And how and where can I get her checked for this? Please Help as I am concerned for the well being of my daughter.

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    • Anonymous

      I’m in the same situation as you. I just had my daughter one month ago, premature. Her dad ran straight to the courts after three weeks to file for primary residential custody. I’ve always had a strange feeling about him. We were together for ten months off and on. Every time we broke up was because of his lies, deception, and manipulation. When we talk he either looks me dead in the eyes to where it’s uncomfortable or faces towards me but looks away but all over the place.

      There was a couple of incidences with my first daughter, 11 years old, different dads, where he told her, “not to tell your mom because that’s going to make her sad.” He was trying to convince her to stay at his home with me because she wanted to leave. This happened in the bedroom and I was right outside so I don’t know if I should’ve been worried about that. A couple months later I brought my daughter to his house again. She didn’t want to stay and I wanted her to sleep over because I missed her, but didn’t want to leave him. She told me he rubbed her thigh when he was talking to her. She pushed his hand away, he got closer to her, and said, “why are you mad at me?” as he continued rubbing her leg. He is a very affectionate guy, so maybe that’s his way of showing compassion? When my daughter told me this I believed her, but didn’t think anything serious of this. She told all of my relatives and told them not to tell me because I would confront him and she thought he would get mad at her. Even though nothing happened I feel like a horrible mom for not listening.

      I’ve always promised myself that my child comes first before a man, especially if she’s not comfortable. One day we were talking about the new baby and not being together. I told him I would not leave her alone with him incase he was a child molester. He said, “how do I know if you’re the child molester?” I was expecting him to say something else or deny that statement, but because he made that response, it has me thinking that maybe he is. Another thing, he would always invite my daughter over to go swimming, but never me.

      Now I have a newborn and I’m terrified to the point that it’s affecting my sleep and mental health. It is my responsibility to protect my young one especially because she doesn’t have a voice yet. Because it’s in the hands of the court system, my hands are tied. I tried reaching out to his first daughters mother as well as agencies and organizations but they said they can’t do anything until the crime’s committed. But what about all the red flags? Am I over reacting? HELP.

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    • Livie

      You can take her to the doctor and see if her hymen has been broken. Its called a hymen btw, its a thun layer of skin in the vagina that is broke during sex which is why it hurts and bleeds when you have sex for the first time.

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  57. Anny

    My 6 year old told me she was playing horsey with her stepdad then she said his penis touched her butt. I don’t know what to do or think because she changes the story. First she said they were playing and that it was an accident. I asked did he hurt you, and she said no. Then I ask her again and she says yes. I asked her if she’s scared of him she said no, and then she says dads don’t do that to children, only to parents. She keeps on contradicting every time. I also know that a couple of times she saw us by accident while being intimate and she doesn’t seem scared or anything, but I can’t just ignore her statement. Please help. I don’t know what to do.

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  58. ariel

    I have an 8 month old daughter. Last night we were at grandpas (daddy’s dad) and he was alone with her no more than 35 sec. I come in the room and he’s fixing her clothes and he’s acting all nervous. Im scared for my baby. I don’t know if I should question him or wait.

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    • Mia

      When he’s around your daughter I don’t think you should ever leave her side even just to use the bathroom. Everything can wait until you feel like your baby is safe.

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  59. Carla perezz

    It felt wrong the way he was wrestling with her and he had been drinking. When they stopped and I saw his hand graze her chest I said kind of loud, “Mathew! I need to talk to you.” He jumped up so fast. And she ran out the back door. I tried to reach into his pants to see if he was hard, so I would know for sure, but I think he had it tucked back, you know? But he got all upset, “I can’t believe his!” “Give me a minute” and he just stood in the kitchen. Then I told him I just wanted to sneak out and have a cigarette. But why did they react like that? Later he was laying his head on her stomach and chest. Is that wrong? She’s ten. And is it also wrong for him to sleep with his kids instead of me when they’re those ages? I’ve always been supportive. I care about both of his daughters. Please tell me if I’m overreacting. I’m afraid.

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    • won't tell

      It’s a difficult subject to discuss, because you don’t want to believe that someone you trust would do that to a child, but speaking as a person who was abused all through childhood, there is a problem here.

      The reaction that both your child and husband had are huge red flags. If your child feels shame in a situation that could be considered ambiguous, that means there have probably been previous experiences of abuse. I would try and keep my children away from spending alone time with the husband (understand that if you do nothing to prevent the abuse, the child may interpret it as being ok, or that you already know but it’s normal, and the shame for the way they feel will be harder to deal with later in life.)

      At 10 your child most probably has discovered masturbation to some extent, and is probably experiencing mild sexual curiosity (a subject lots of children talk about at that age without necessarily understanding it) that means that not only should your child be able to do this exploration without an adult around, but especially if the father spends nights with them at that age.

      Please trust your instincts because whatever you see or think you see, it’s almost always worse when you’re not looking. Maybe this would be a good time to have “the talk with your kid, just try to do it in a casual and educational way (no interrogation) and most importantly, make sure your husband is no where near at this time (not even in the same house).

      Your kid needs to feel safe and not accused of anything. I hope you and your child will be alright. Just try not to avoid the situation like my parents did when I tried to tell them.

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  60. Carla perezz

    I recently had a huge scare. Only a couple of red flags, mostly I have trusted my boyfriend and believe that he wants to be a good dad. His daughters are 10 and 8 and my daughter is 4. He laughed about it when his oldest daughter saw a picture of his penis on his phone pictures. She has just started developing and he told me about his concern, which seemed immature to me. What if I accidentally touch something when we’re wrestling? -he said. I told him that he just needs to start giving her privacy. okay. So this is stuck in my head.

    He saw his 8 year old and said Sarah! You’re wearing a skirt! Then he flipped her upside down, took an obvious look at her panties and then straddled her on his arm and did curls with her. His ten year old and I were watching. I was stunned. Sarah stood there for a while too, he wandered off to the bathroom. His oldest then straddled the door of the food wheeler and looked at me and I couldn’t help but thinking she and I both saw what we saw and that it was wrong.

    Since then the 8 year old asks for it. And my daughter saw it and she said. “Do me, do me!” I continued to feel concerned about it but didn’t know how or what to do. Then, his oldest saw porn on the computer, and she had been so well protected before she saw he and I being intimate, which we certainly didn’t do on purpose.

    He’s 38 and I’m 24. He also started using the term crazy women when talking to his daughter. That’s what he calls me and has called me in front of them. He has power over me, and I think he knows that, but I recently came to an awareness. He was wrestling with his oldest and it looked like he

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  61. Busisiwe

    My 2year old was staying her grandma (my mom) and my brother. I took her now she’s staying with me. When I bathe her she’s doesn’t want me to wash her vagina and when I didn’t know much about babies. She’s my first baby, so I’m planning to take her to de medical professional for examination. I’m so worried I’m even shaking.

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  62. Dee

    When my daughter was between the ages of 2 and 5 she consistently reported that her father was putting red things in her butt, which she could not explain what they were at the time. My ex and I were going through a divorce/custody battle at the time. My attorney told me to bring her into the hospital for an exam the first time she reported it to me, which at the age of 2.5 was inconclusive.

    The court had a field day with the allegation. Her allegations continued and we were in the store one day and she yelled out “Twizzlers,” which I was confused about her blurting this out. She then stated, “that was what daddy was putting in my butt.” I immediately called CPS again and they did a 15 minute interview with my daughter, called the police and then gave her father THREE days notice and told him what they were coming for and exactly what for.

    This was in October — the police found not one piece of candy in the house. Fast forward four years later and she recants by saying, “Do you remember when I told you about the red things — that never happened.” Dad has since had people living in his household and as far as I know, nothing has happened since. Obviously, there is a little more to this story, but this is the gist.

    Do you think that a child could indicate such things and then recant like this? The entire situation has never sat well with me and I still worry every day, because her father is an abusive man with extreme addictive behaviors.

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    • Carla perezz

      He sounds like an idiot. I bet your two year old had her but crack showing (as is common with growing babies) and dad thought it would be funny to stick something in there. In this case perhaps the twizzlers he was eating. Scoff

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  63. D C

    I am trying not to over react and trying not to under react either.

    My youngest is 2 and last week she was having her diaper changed and was playing with a stuffed cat which she tried putting in her diaper (not in a suggestive way) and I said don’t put the kitty by your dirty bum. She then made like the kitty was licking her dirty bum.

    I called my mom panicking. My mom said that she and her twin brother always walk around like kitties and lick at people, arms, knee, hand or face. And we were talking about kitties and bums and it was likely nothing. No one has access to my children. My husband myself and my grandmother are the main care providers. I spoke to my husband when I was so upset about it, he too was shook up. My mom calmed us both down some. She said if it happened a bunch of times then worry about it. Not to make a huge deal out of it, which I admit I probably overreacted.

    The next morning we were snuggling. And she was watching YouTube on my cell phone. And I looked over and she was watching the show where there were people pooping things like that it’s called doodie man (totally inappropriate). And I recalled that my three-year-old had found the same show a few days before on her own. I will admit that we have been very negligent in monitoring what they’re watching on YouTube, which I feel absolutely horrible about. I wrongly assumed graphic content wouldn’t make its way on there. Anyway later that day my two-year-old licked her dolls butt. When I said that’s gross where did you learn that? She told me the bum was dirty, see? And she pointed to the (writing it was a Cabbage Patch doll) we refer to poopy pants as dirty bums.

    My gut tells me she saw something on YouTube, it was all within the three-day span of that. If you go to that cartoon I was referring to, the links that are below it that you can just touch and move to are all inappropriate. I sat through some of the doodie man, never saw the actual poop licking, but did she poop eating and various other things like that, so I wouldn’t be surprised if it was in there.

    I just can’t subject myself to hours of footage to try and find the one they may have seen. And I cannot see anyone in our life doing that. I cannot see my husband, or anyone else. But I don’t want to overlook something, yet I don’t want to over react as well.

    Please help. I feel like a $h!tty parent for letting them have youtube access, but they were watching kid stuff, and now I got complacent and I am paying for it :(

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    • Carla perezz

      What if she saw Gramma’s kitty cats licking each other’s butts. Isn’t that how momma cats clean their kittens? Children learn a surprising amount from animals. I think it’s cute how much you are overreacting. It sounds like you’re a good parent. Really surprised you let your three year old watch YouTube though.

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  64. J

    If you ask a 2/3 year old leading questions about someone touching them, like did such and such do this, is that a good way to do it. Furthermore, what if this is someone that normally changes and takes care of the child?

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    • N

      Stop it. Right now!

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  65. sarah

    My 3yr goes to visitation at her dads/grandmother’s house 4x week with her almost 2yr brother. My daughter has come home several times with red, sore,and swollen genitals! My son came home with red and sore penis once! Each time it’s only their genitals and not the surrounding area. My daughter has been saying for about a week and a half her 7yr cousins touched her! Tonight she told me again and I asked her where they touched her? She said at Daddy’s. I asked her to touch herself where they touched her and she immediately put her hand to her genitals. She then told me her but too and they tickle her butt! I asked her if her 11yr cousin touched her? She said no, she touched brother (my son) and made him cry. I then asked her if she could show me were the cousin touched her brother, she pointed to my son’s penis. She then climbed on top of my son in the bathtub and started like humping him and making what I would call see noises. I’m worried and scared! I don’t know what to do or who to contact? Do I need to be concerned? My daughter also has tried sticking things in her vagina, stick her finger inside her butt, while sitting on the potty non stop playing with her self down there.

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    • Hanna

      Get the child away from ALL those involved, seek legal advice and medical too. DO NOT ALLOW them to GO NEAR your ex or his mother or cousins or uncles or whomever.

      Protect YOUR CHILDREN. If you have these concerns, GO TO THE POLICE! S/S and or a GP. Just doing NOTHING is exactly that, doing NOTHING!!! These innocent children need YOU to protect them! She’s telling you abuse is happening to them both for, goodness sake!

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      • sarah

        I have been to the police, dss and the hospital! I am being forced to send them into evil! I tried a restraining order and judge shot that down!! That whole side of family is very evil and have heavy mental illness. All reports I have made to the police or dss state it’s an ugly custody battle!

        What can I do to protect them/get something done!? I am just sick that no one will help or believe!!!!! My daughter tells me almost daily that @#÷×% and i_^::! Took her clothes off and her britches (what we call diapers/pull ups) and touched her butt and she touches her vagina. She will whisper we have to be very quiet and don’t tell! She keeps telling me s@&&€% takes her brothers clothes and britches off and touches him. My son is not yet 2 and he says s@&&€% plays Dr with him. My daughter keeps telling that i-^::! Nickel her brother down and held him down and refused to let him up! She gets very upset while telling it.

        I do believe the ex and his mom know what has happened! The ex’s family never call any of the kids by name ever it’s the boys, twins, the baby and little man. My daughter has said KIDS! DONT YOU EVER TOUCH EMMY LIKE THAT AGAIN! (Emmy is what she calls herself). It is court ordered that he gets the kids 2 days a week for 4 hrs and 2 days for 2hrs. The ex is majorly addicted to weed. He smokes it the minute he wakes up and continues to smoke it all day until he goes to bed. Unfortunately we live in a legal marijuana state so that is completely acceptable and he is back to drinking as well.

        I am at a loss and would love any and all help or advice to protect my kids and keep them safe! I want to protect them without the threat of losing my kids! I’ve been told if I don’t send them to evil then I will get contempt and he will get the kids! I am at a total loss! I have tried the legal ways to get help just to fail. The court facilitator is always trying to find a way to give my ex more time with the kids! I have been reporting to dss about my kids coming home bruised up, diaper rash to the point of blistering and bleeding, my daughter getting a very bad 2 degree burn to half her hand etc. And they say what do you want us to do about it? I am just at a total loss!!!

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        • sarah

          The police told me that my daughter is acting out what she has heard or saw! I can honestly say my kids DO NOT see or hear this stuff with me!!!! My TV is 99% of the time on Disney Channel, the 1% on the on the little couple (my kids love Will and Zoe)! I am very careful what my kids watch in my care! And I strongly believe kids come before a boyfriend (honest opinion, kids first, then furkids, then a man!) My only hope is that their counselor can do something! She has most definitely seen major detrimental changes to BOTH my kids!!!!

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          • N

            When your daughter comes back from the ex’s, take her to her pediatrician to be tested for THC. If he’s smoking with her in the room, she’s getting passive smoke and it will show in her urine or blood.

            Even if weed is legal in your state, it’s not legal to give weed to children and you can get him/them on this.

            The end result is he’ll have to have only supervised visits with her, and the courts could make him give pee tests as a condition of his privilege to be in her life.

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  66. liezl

    I feel like I’m going crazy. My 2 year old told my the past Thursday that @#££% put his fingers in her did. For the life of me I can not recall the name. I got such a fright. I can still hear the name but also not hear it at the same time. I took her to a gp who suggested I work with her and try and get her to tell me the name again. I am trying. But she is mentioning all kinds of names. Please advise. I really need help.

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  67. heather

    So if i have a feeling my husband could be doing things to my 4 yr old daughter there are places that i can call to talk to someone about it? I know something is going on cause she is so clingy she wont let me leave her alone nor him. She has her legs open so much i havent seen children do that it seems she makes his arm or hand go between her legs sometimes thats very odd to me. He wont stop taking showers with her she still doesnt wipe her own butt even though she is potty trained im just so worried.

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    • Mandy medina

      Please stop letting him take showers with her! Why are you letting him do that? With all these concerns why would you allow that? Please be her protector and DO NOT ALLOW IT get some help for you and her. Find out! For sure!

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      • Audrey

        Also, your daughter is 4 and that is extremely inappropriate for the father to be taking a shower with his daughter. EXTREMELY. If he’s telling you he’s the father and it’s okay, you’re overreacting, HE’S LYING. Are you isolated too?

        Are you so removed from others with children that you feel like your expectations and desires regarding how he treats your daughter seem unreasonable? You might be in an abusive relationship. No reasonable grown man would take a shower with his 4 year old daughter and expose himself like that. It’s gross, unacceptable, and completely INAPPROPRIATE.

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    • Hanna

      You HAVE TO GET your DAUGHTER AWAY from that man. You should in NO WAY ALLOW abuse to be going on! You say you ‘have a feeling’ and that ‘you have evidence’ then for your daughters’ sake, PROTECT HER!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cannot believe some of these comments. Children are our responsibility. If you allow this to happen you are as bad as the abuser! How will she feel in 10-30 years from now that you just stood by and allowed this to happen. Get out and get her some help!

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