Dr. Greene’s Answer:
When a parent catches a boy playing with his ears, questions may arise about ear infections. When a parent catches a boy playing with his stiff penis, subterranean concerns, anxieties, guilts, shames, questions and regrets often rumble and stir within — even if we believe that it’s normal behavior. Why do we have these complex and powerful feelings?
Genital Exploration or Masturbation?
Most children begin to explore their genitals at about the same time they begin to look more like little boys and girls than like babies. Just when we are beginning to adjust to their not being babies anymore, we are confronted with the sight of our little boy fondling his erection or our little girl moving her hips up and down on top of her pillow with a glazed look in her eyes. How jarring!
A glimpse, a foreshadowing, of our little ones as sexually mature adolescents is superimposed on our image of them as innocent babies — and all of this resonates with our complicated feelings about our own sexuality and innocence. No wonder this can elicit such concern!
If we take a step back, though, we can see that it makes sense that kids would want to explore their own bodies. When toilet learning becomes a focus of interest, we might anticipate that kids would also be curious about those parts of the body that have in the past been largely hidden under the diapers. Boys will play with their penises. Girls will finger their vaginas, and touch or rub this area with their hands or even objects like couch cushions. This exploration produces pleasurable feelings, as we are well aware.
Most, if not all, two-year-olds will engage in some degree of this behavior. Although many parenting books refer to this as childhood masturbation, I believe the term is misleading and unfortunate. Save the term masturbation for genital stimulation accompanied by sexual fantasy — another challenge to face years down the road. Toddlers just do it because it feels good. Unselfconscious delight!
Babies will often tug on the genitals in much the same way they tug on the ears or toes. Toddlers, though, begin to recognize that the genitals are special. They are far more interesting and more fun than toes. For some children, playing with the genitals becomes a self-comforting behavior not unlike thumbsucking. For a few, this settles into a time-consuming habit that takes them away from other important play and development.
Responding to Genital Exploration in Toddlers
What is the wisest way for parents to approach genital play in their toddlers?
First, let the jarring foretaste of your child’s future sexuality help you to cherish the moments of this brief first adolescence. Many people call this period the terrible twos, and wish for these days to soon end. While these months are difficult, they are also a brief, unrepeatable, precious time.
Toddlers are curious and want to explore everything, including their own bodies. They are also little sponges and are ready to learn and absorb information. Take advantage of this interest by teaching your toddler about their body. Use proper names for body parts (such as penis, vagina, buttocks, private parts). Using made-up names can teach the child that there is something wrong with the proper names. Discuss modesty, and privacy in age-appropriate ways. “Please give your sister privacy when she goes to the bathroom” Start talking about who is allowed to see your private parts (parents and doctor, but not friends or others). This also helps give toddlers a sense of control about their own bodies. Over time, as your toddler grows, you can reiterate and add to these conversations.
Next, let the foretaste remind you that one of our important responsibilities as parents is to teach our children about healthy sexuality. Of course, the many parents reading this will have wildly different ideas as to what constitutes healthy sexuality. They may even have very different ideas than they themselves did fifteen years ago. Whatever your values, you will want to communicate them to your children as the years go by. You will want to teach them that healthy sexuality is not dirty, nor is it cheap.
The key to passing on your values effectively is keeping the lines of respect and communication open. Make talking about your body and answering their questions normal, and not something to hide or be embarrassed by.
My Advice to Parents of Toddlers
My advice to parents is not to try to stop this normal body exploration and part of development. The American Academy of Pediatrics has a list of common and unconcerning sexual behaviors in young children. Behaviors on that list include touching genitals in both private and public places, trying to see adults naked or their siblings, and standing or sitting very close to others. These behaviors, in general, are normal in toddlerhood. Behaviors that are considered red flags and should be further evaluated include any sexual behavior that occurs very frequently or cannot be interrupted by distraction, behaviors simulating adult sexual acts or those associated with force or coercion.
If the genital play becomes and remains a consuming passion, I would look for and address underlying reasons, rather than trying to stop the behavior. Is the child tense and in extra need of self-comforting? Are people overreacting and thus reinforcing the habit? Is there a chronic, low-grade urinary tract infection or yeast infection? Is the child overstimulated and needing to soothe himself to withdraw? Is she understimulated and bored? Dealing with the cause will bring the behavior back to a level of enthusiasm that doesn’t take away from other interests.
Don’t hesitate to bring up any concerns with your pediatrician, who is well versed in talking about toddler behaviors.
If you feel that the genital play should be reigned in a bit, then I recommend that when you see it happening you pretend to ignore what he is doing. Try to distract him with some new, engaging activity. Be as nonchalant as you can manage to be. (Rushing over out of breath is not subtle!) You want to communicate by your actions that he and his body are okay, but that there is also a whole world out there to discover and enjoy.
Directly trying to get toddlers to stop touching themselves is a battle you cannot win. You can’t just put the objects of their attention up on a high shelf out of reach. If you actively discourage kids from self-exploration, or if you punish them for “masturbating,” then genital play becomes a forbidden fruit.
Two things happen when something becomes a forbidden fruit. The fruit will be tasted when the opportunity arises, and people will hide what it is they have done. They will feel the need to be “semi-anonymous.” This shameful hiding is the one outcome you don’t want to produce.
All too quickly, our little ones will launch out on the turbulent seas of true adolescence. Only if we have maintained open communication and mutual respect can we offer any effective guidance during those critical years.
References and Resources
Strachan E, et al. Masturbation. Pediatrics in Review. 2012;33(4):190-191.
mary L. Sperling
It isn’t wrong to masterbate….i have been masterbating since i was a little girl…i am in my 70’s…
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mike
Mike
Iam 22 and I started musterbation at 21 Bt now am worried
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Kari Lien
I am 13 and in puberty and wetting the bed because of it.I wear cloth diapers and plastic pants to bed every night for my bedwetting and sometimes my brother,who’s 15 see’s them on me and gets aroused and goes into the bathroom and masturbates! our mom has caught him a few times.It grosses me out when he does this.What can we do?
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Ash
The only time I masturbate is when I am lookin at u know what kind of pictures. Is this normal?
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Vinay tiwari
Sir I am 25 year old and I want to be a donar sir I am handsome and good looking , intelligent boy if there is any scope then called to me.
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April Collum
I have a 2 year old daughter who, I had just recently found out from her Aunt in West Virginia that when she changed my daughters diaper she had put her finger in her vagina opening. I am very alarmed and concerned about this especially because when I was a teenager I was also molested. That and from a very young age I have cared for children and have rarely witnessed any peculiar or questionable behavior in any other young children. Please help concerned MOM!!!!!!!!
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Lillie Goins
I have a question to u guys… if a child is sticking her fingers into her vagina, is its dangerous?
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April Collum
My daughter is two years old and when getting her diaper changed she was sticking her finger in the opening I am terrified she has been touched by someone?!?! Most children that age don’t know they have those openings down there would you agree?!?! Thank you, and god bless you!!!!!!
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Don't Jump To Conclusions
Your daughter may be naturally experiencing her body and she is getting to the age where she can verbalize or show signs of distress. What does your heart tell you? Your gut? She may most probably be fine and don’t panic without real evidence or suspect that wrongdoing has occurred.
One Behavior is NOT evidence of sexual misconduct being experienced. Her Aunt’s “interpretation” is not a realistic assessment of what has actually happened to her, nor is yours. Does she show signs of trauma and is she acting out or showing a change in behavior? Really takes steps to investigate if you truly believe she has been victimized.
Also, you can check out this show and see if you can get in a call. http://newlife.com. But don’t go overboard without real reason to suspect and look for evidence. Boys touch themselves all the time and most people do not suspect them to have been abused. You as a mother are capable to discern/intuit the truth or the path to finding out the truth and you have the ability to take the right course of action and handle the truth either way. Good Luck to you. :)
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Robert Rubly
I believe, based on my observations and personal experience, if a boy DOESN’T tough himself that it is a very good possibility that he had been “molested”. That, as least, was my case, because I was ashamed to do so mainly I thought it’d I did touch myself I that way, people would know what “I had been doing” (because I was told it was all my fault). Also, in my case, I became more interested in other people’s bodies. Then again, I admit that i could be an exception.
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Chris kennedy
No its not tell her/you to just enjoy!!
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Ashlyn
Somewhere between the ages of 6-8 I played the game of doctor with some friends. There was a good doctor and a bad doctor. The good doctor would just touch me, while the bad doctor had me take off my clothes, lye naked on the side of the bed, and insert a doll inside my vagina. It was a “punishment” because I had been “bad”. I am in my 30’s and that game still haunts me. For years I saw masturbation as something to do as a punishment. Of course, I always have had, and knew I would have, a very pleasing physical reaction to what I was doing. I was sexually abused in my teens. I always wonder if one of the children who played the game with me had been sexually abused? It doesn’t seem normal. Apparently our moms found out and knew. They just made sure not to have any boys over.
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Maureen
A friends little 3 year old girl has started to discover her vagina, no problem there. But her father’s reaction to this is gagging, she stops to watch his reaction. Her mother is trying to get him to stop but he just keeps doing it. Do you have any suggestions to help him to stop reacting this way, as it is bound to cause issues for his little girl if her daddy reacts like this.
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April Collum
I agree gagging is only going to encourage the child to do it more. therefore creating more problems and making what is an innocent behavior to become more trouble some. Maybe instead of gagging he could distract her with a favorite toy or create a conversation explaining her body while changing her with her mother. Get creative you don’t want them to be afraid of their bodies but all the while getting them to understand there is a time and place for her curiousness for her body ;)
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Lil girls
My daughter openly masturbates she 6. Her friend does it too when she sleepover she 7.
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RickyOeser
Hello Dr green,
I am a 12 year old boy and i was wondering if it is normal for me to masturbate at this age?
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Unknown name
I think so yes. Just depends where, and how you do it.
Also depends on your parents opinion about it.
I did this when I was 11, only because I was exposed to this.
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Cody
Hey I do it only when I’m stressed out and I’m also 12 years old
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Robert Rubly
It helps A LOT to help relieve stress, doesn’t it?
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Chris
I do it and I can’t see any problems about doing it I also do it when I’m bored or stressed so just go and enjoy!
(BTW) I’m a 12 year old boy as well.
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Robert Rubly
Yes it is! Especially if you have started/are in puberty. It is very normal. Don’t be ashamed of it, but, keep it private. It it’s also normal at your age to engage in “mutual exploration/experimentation” as long as it is CONCENTUAL. Don’t ever be forced into it not ever force anyone else.
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Zach
I agree. I masturbate when I’m bored and I’m a 13 year old boy. But, is it normal for me to masturbate at this age?
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The Godfather
Thanks for this article!
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Usama
Y. I am 22 year now . I start masturbate when i was in chid age . I have taken lots of medicine also for stop but all in vain. I am weak and my mind is also have lost his remembering activity. I have no thinking like others think. Help me for cure
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Asish Thakur
Stop masterbution. Stop seen sex related videos.. Daily yoga practice… Take protein food
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Robert Rubly
To this, I DISAGREE!
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george dalton
perfectly normal for females and males to explore their sexuality. Both can reach orgasm at a Young Age. I find no problem with this. it’s a form of Relaxation, and it feels GREAT
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Sally Mohammed
Hi. I know by now you are all grown up and have seen dt ur frnd is obviously not pregnant.
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Sally Mohammed
This is the most helpful write up I’ve seen concerning this issue. As a mother of 5 children i never had this issue with any of my 4 eldest. But my last son proved different. Started since he was 2 years. And has gotten worse now. I’m ashamed to say i tried various ways to make him stop. I punished him, counciled him, even screamed at him, but these seem to fuel this behavior. It is very hard for me to read online whr people say it normal and o should ignore him. D sight of him fondling himslef is very disturbing and keepa me awake at night. I am a very religious person so i hope u understand why this is hard for me to take in. I pray about it now. Hoping he out grows this exploratory behaviour before he grows up and it becomes a full blown sexual pleasure.
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