Related concepts:

Temper tantrums, Emotional storms

Introduction to tantrums:

When your child kicks and screams at not getting his way, the outburst often seems to come at the least opportune times: during grocery shopping, when you’re on the phone, when you’re trying to get out the door, trying to make dinner, or at a family gathering.

What are tantrums?

Temper tantrums are expressions of intense, immediate frustration. They occur most frequently at an age when children’s verbal skills are inadequate to express their roiling emotions.

Gradually, after a child has mastered walking, an irresistible urge to make his own choices begins to well up inside him. This is an exciting development, but to make an independent choice he must disagree with you in order for the choice to be his own. Now, when you ask him to do something, part of him wants to please you, but part of him wants to refuse.

Many people call this important phase of development the "Terrible Twos." I prefer to call it "The First Adolescence." This period begins long before age two and actually continues long afterwards, but in the majority of children, it is most intensely focused around the period from one-and-a-half to three years of age.

The hallmark of this stage is oppositional behavior. Our wonderful children instinctively want to do exactly the opposite of what we want. We have nice, reasonable expectations and they say "NO!" or they simply dissolve into tears. Suppose you have some place to get to in a hurry. Your son has been in a great mood all day until you say, "I need you to get into the car right now." He will, of course, want to do anything but get into the car.

As if this weren't enough, children in this phase of development have a great deal of difficulty making the choices they so desperately want to make. You ask your child what he would like for dinner and he says macaroni. You lovingly prepare it for him and then as soon as it's made he says, "I don't want that!" It is perfectly normal for him to reverse a decision as soon as he has made it, because at this stage, he even disagrees with himself.

This phase is difficult for parents but it’s also hard for children. When children take a stand that opposes their parents, they experience intense emotions. Although they are driven to become their own unique persons, they also long to please their parents. Even now, when I do something that my parents disagree with, I feel very conflicted. I am an adult, living in a different city, with well-thought-out choices, and it is still quite difficult. For a child who is tentatively learning to make choices, who is dependent on his parents for food, shelter, and emotional support, it's even more intense. Dissolving into tears is an appropriate expression of the inner turmoil that is so real for children who are in the midst of this process.

This season of emotional outbursts in children is reminiscent of labor – a series of intense spasms that ushers in a whole new phase of life.

Who gets tantrums?

Children going through this volatile developmental stage are most likely to get frustrated and have a tantrum when the intensity of the immediate situation increases. The excess stimulation may be visual, auditory, tactile, or a combination.