Post-baby surprises – Numbers 8 & 9

This week I’ve been going through my list of ten things I learned after having a baby that no one told me before I went into the hospital. I’ve already told you about numbers 1 through 7 over the past few days. Today, let’s talk about numbers 8 and 9.

8. My boobs don’t put out, because they’re ladies.

Both of my kids went to the NICU, so I started pumping in my room. I figured I wasn’t going to get very much out at first, but by day three, when the cleaning woman came into the room, looked at my empty pump, then puts her fingers close together and said in a concerned voice, “So little!” I had a sense that this breastfeeding gig might be a little harder than it looked.

Breastfeeding and I never did get to third base. I continued to have trouble after I went home, so I went to the lactation nurse at my doctor’s office for some help. She took one look and said, “Well, it’s going to be a little more difficult for you because you have flat nipples.”

I’m sorry? What’s that now? I had never heard of flat nipples before. I had no idea that there were names for different kinds of nipples. I also had no idea that mine were not the norm. I almost said, “Well, I’ve never had any complaints before.” But again, it’s about hiding that crazy. So I just said, “So, what do I do?” She said, “Well, you can do it but it’s going to take a lot of time and energy.”

This, my friends, was the wrong thing to say to someone with three-week-old twins who hadn’t had more than two hours of sleep in a row since they were born. I said, “Okay. Then I’m out. What brand of formula do you recommend?”

9. I need to WHAT before I can go home?


I needed to fart before I could leave the hospital.

They were super serious about this, too. This was not easy for someone like me who gets extremely stressed out when she feels as though she is inconveniencing someone else. So to have my family, my husband, and the nursing staff waiting for me to pass gas so I could go home was not an ideal situation for me.

It’s a weird place to be because usually when people ask you if you farted you say NO. But in the hospital if you keep saying no then you never get to leave and they HATE that. I waited for the first thing that felt like a minor anal exhalation and jumped on it. I’m going home to not sleep some more, y’all!

Come back tomorrow for number 10, my final post-baby shock.

Published on: March 27, 2014
About the Author
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Meredith Bland is an award-winning humor blogger. You can read all of her nonsense at
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