“All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”   -Leo Tolstoy

Most people want to be the very best parents they can.

That’s why baby books fly off the shelves, and hundreds of blogs and websites hand out advice on every topic imaginable—from breastfeeding to sleep schedules, from potty training to healthy eating, from discipline to schooling. In all of these arenas, parents must make important decisions that will impact their children’s health and well-being.

In fact, there is so much information available, with something new flashing on the web every week that parents feel overwhelmed with the choices. How do you know what’s best for your kids and then put it into practice? Given the limits of time and money, where should parents focus first?

The answer: the health and well being of the whole family. Creating a happy, loving family is the greatest gift you can give your child.

Sounds simple…(like most truths). Unfortunately, most of us didn’t learn about this in our high school health class. Or worse, we grew up in an unhappy family or an environment with too little structure, high levels of conflict, or even abuse or neglect.

The good news is that we know more now than ever about the building blocks of healthy, warm relationships. These skills can be taught and then put into practice. The essential threads that distinguish happy families from unhappy ones have been identified in numerous research studies and are more important than differences in race, religion, social class, or sexual orientation.

How does research define a successful happy family?

The kids grow up to become independent and are able to establish healthy adult relationships while remaining connected to their original family.

Family members describe a positive family identity and give and receive support from one another.

They have mostly satisfying interactions and stay in touch with one another.

Family members are resilient in the face of inevitable times of stress and change.

What difference does this make?

In a highly regarded, comprehensive longitudinal study, not only did the warmth of the family environment correlate with greater earning power and work success in adulthood, it also correlated with lower rates of adult anxiety, greater enjoyment of vacations, and increased life satisfaction at age 75! Begun in 1937, the Grant study followed the lives of 268 Harvard sophomores for seventy years.

When George Valliant, the study’s director was asked to summarize what was learned, he responded, “That the only thing that really matters in life are your relationships to other people.” Not just mothers and fathers but siblings, partners and friends.

Although it is important to love your children, it is also essential to create a context of open communication, structure and consistency. We teach our children what love looks like by the way we treat our husbands and wives, parents and grandparents, neighbors and friends.

Loving relationships can be broken down into essential components or “keys.” These 10 factors, detailed in our next blog, can be assessed, learned and practiced. The sooner the better, ideally before young adults enter into significant relationships and prepare to become parents. Can you guess what the 10 keys are?

When my child was fourteen-months-old, she had an aversion to shoes and preferred “walking” everywhere on her knees. I worried that she’d still be using this unconventional form of migration to cross the stage at her high school graduation. But alas, my once knee-shuffling child now has no problem wearing shoes and walks on her feet. (She sometimes even sprints … to the ice cream truck.)

When child was two, she was painfully shy and her bottom lip actually quivered if another child even looked at her the wrong way. I worried that she would always be overly sensitive and unable to stand up for herself. But alas, my once shy and introverted daughter is now a social butterfly (as described by her teacher) who often steps forward to stand up for those who are unable to stand up for themselves.

When my child was three, she had an extreme fear of dogs. I worried that she would continue to hyperventilate in the presence of any furry, four-legged creature. But alas, my once pooch-fearing child is now a great pet sitter for our neighbors and especially loves walking the dogs.

When my child was four, she had a disdain for forks and preferred eating everything with her hands. I worried that she would forever gnaw on her food like a caveperson. But alas, my once hands-on eater is now complimented on her polite table manners whenever she has dinner with family friends.

When my child was five, she couldn’t ride a bike and had no interest in doing so.

I worried that she would experience years of ridicule if she did not acquire this skill when all the other neighborhood children did. But alas, my once exclusive walker now takes bike rides with friends—the same friends who learned to ride far earlier than she did.

Are You Robbed of Today?

When my child was six, I saw a pattern of parental worry—needless parental worry. It occurred to me that much of what I worried about had a way of working out in time—in my child’s own time. And by living in a state of worry, I was robbing myself of the gifts of today.

My perspective of parenting changed when I wrote down these painful truths about Worry:

• Worry can remove you from the most beautiful moments of your life … as if you aren’t even there.
• Worry can steal meaningful experiences right from your memory bank … as if they didn’t even happen.
• Worry can prevent you from experiencing happiness, passion, and joy … as if you merely existed, rather than truly lived.

Replace Worry with Trust

Worry took plenty of my moments that matter; therefore, I refuse to give Worry any more of them. Now when I begin to go down the path of worry, I stop myself by saying one word: Trust.

• Trust that worrying will do nothing to change the outcome.
• Trust that my child will be where she needs to be in her own time.
• Trust that things will work out as they should.

And when I choose to focus on all that is going right in my life and let go of that which I cannot control, I am free to live more and love more in the precious day at hand.

How does worry rob you of precious moments with your children? What worries you the most? How might you let go to live more and love more? 

Our children are the future, which is why we need to make teaching them to be keepers of the Earth a priority. We talk with our girls every day about why we make lifestyle choices so they can understand the why and not just the how.

I feel so much joy when my older daughter gets mad that she’s given a paper towel rather than a cloth napkin. And I swell with pride when she asks me, “Why does that family have junk in their grocery cart? Don’t they know it has GMOs in it?”

Children are little sponges, and even small conversations can have a big impact on them. These are 5 simple, everyday activities that you can use to teach your kids about sustainable living.

Plant a Tree or Herb Garden

A lot of families don’t have a lot of space for a full garden, or are overwhelmed by the thought of starting one without much experience. Something most families can do is plant a fruit tree in their yard. While it may not produce fruit the first year, it will eventually. It’s a great lesson for kids to see how food is truly grown, and to be able to walk out your door and pick an apple is a fun experience for kids! You can also plant a small herb garden with very little effort. It can even be grown in a pot and kept on a front porch or windowsill. Then when it’s time to cook, have your child pick the herbs you need and they can see them go right into their meal!

Join a CSA or Visit a Local Farm

Most children think their food comes from the grocery store, and don’t have any comprehension of the farm it was grown on. Most homes have a farm within driving distances that welcome visitors on certain days. Often, CSA’s open their farms to their members a few times a year. It’s really neat to see kids’ eyes light up when they see first-hand how their food is grown. If you can find a local organic farm, that’s ideal.

Go on a Hike or Nature Walk

Teaching your children about the sanctity of the earth can be simple as walking out your front door and exploring your community. Start by sitting down together and making a list of native plants and animals. On your walk, you can look for them and have a fun way to document them. Depending upon your child’s age, you can have them check them off a list, take a picture for a digital scrapbook or even draw a picture of the plant or animal when they locate it. When they understand their environment, they are more likely to appreciate and respect it.

Collect Toys and Clothes to Donate

While one of the “3 Rs” is reuse, we live in a throw away society. Teaching your kids that not everything has to be purchased new and thrown away at the slightest sign of wear and tear is a great lesson in sustainability. We like to have our girls choose toys to donate (because we have far too many of them at all times) and hand their clothes down to other little girls in need. We also like to have them pick out second hand items for themselves so that they can appreciate that purchasing something second-hand is more sustainable that purchasing something new.

Upcycle Something Old Into Something New

Upcycle is one of my older daughter’s favorite words. She always wants to know what she can upcycle things into. A simple project is making a milk carton into a birdhouse. You can decorate empty glass jars to make simple vases or storage for craft supplies. You can use egg cartons to start seeds for your spring garden or to organize your child’s tiny treasures. Once your child understands the concept of upcycling, the sky is the limit!

These are just a few of the many ways you can teach your children small lessons in sustainability.

How do you teach your kids about sustainability?

It’s noon on a Sunday. It’s a blue sky and white puffy cloud type of day. We, as in me and the three, are on our way home from a delightfully unorganized play date with triplets three weeks our senior. It was like two cowboys walking into a saloon fresh out of a gun fight. I nod my hat at my fellow cowboy (the other mother), not a lot of words needed, we put our guns down and let our cronies run wild. The tumbleweeds roll. You don’t need a whole lot of nothin’ – cowboys like us, we get it.

So we are on our way home, pushing the limits as we flirt with laying down late for our nap. No biggie, mom – you have toddlers – they have a world to explore, cut the cord and let the nap go. Be that laid back version of yourself you always pray to be.

No better time to be laid back than now – windows down, sunroof open, music on – it’s bliss. I keep thinking, OK – when will it hit? Where is the melt down? It’s coming. They had a measly applesauce for lunch and are late for nap. Overstimulated from exposure to similar species. It’s coming, I just know it’s coming.

I look in my rear view mirror to see all three faces. Little boy red faced and staring out the window as the trees fly by. Girly girl silent and letting the wind hit her hair. And monkey, drooling and peaceful. Tired, yes. Crying, No. NO?! As we keep driving, I notice they are sort of swaying – eyes shut – letting the wind hit their face like a dog out the window. Opposite to the outburst I was waiting for, they are happy. Yes, happy.

I notice monkey is smiling from ear to ear, eyes shut – swinging her head back and forth between the velvety shoulder straps. Singing a quiet and subtle “ahhhh”. The other two, just taking it in, almost like they are enjoying the break from our regularly and rigidly scheduled program.

I am frozen in time. The breeze, the peace, the music – it all seems surreal. This moment is like rocket fuel for all the hard times, the tantrums and the sleepless nights. I take a deep breath and plant myself in this very moment. For once today, the pressure is off. It doesn’t matter what they eat for lunch or what they learn from a book of ABC’s or even when their nap starts.

What matters is they are being taught. Taught from the classroom of life. Taught to “just be”. Today, they are my teacher and the blue sky and marshmallow clouds are our classroom.

What was your classroom like today?

My book, The Patient’s Checklist, grew out of my family’s experience caring for my Dad during a very long hospitalization from an entirely preventable medication error. I learned early on that the single greatest threat to patient safety in hospitals is human error: communication breakdowns resulting from overly fragmented care by overworked doctors and nurses, lapses in the most basic sanitary practices and mistakes in routine care because of the frantic hospital pace. I found that checklists were practical, important reminders to manage the complexities of hospital care. While the book is divided into 10 user-friendly checklists that take you through a hospital stay from beginning to end, in this post I will review a few key points from Checklist 1: Before Your Go.

1. Have a support system. Having involved family and friends is the single most important way to ensure better, safer care for any patient within the busy, complicated world of the hospital. If your child has to go to the hospital always remember that you know your child best – how they are in daily life. Your doctor may have critical medical information but as the parent you have critical life information about your child. Never forget that. So trust your instincts. Speak up. Ask questions about everything that is going on around your child in the hospital. Ask your doctors and nurses to explain everything to you using plain language – not medical speak so that you can truly understand what is going on.
2. Make sure your doctor knows every prescription medication your child is taking – including any over the counter medication and vitamins. When my son had such terrible asthma as a young child he was on daily medication as well as a nebulizer when his symptoms flared up. I asked our pharmacist to provide me with a complete printout of his prescription medication and kept that and his pediatrician’s card in my wallet at all times. On those occasions when I did have to take him to the emergency I had a print out to show them so there was never a mistake in communication about dosage levels.
3. If your child does have to have surgery, find out all the details. If possible, both parents should go to all appointments together. Two sets of ears are always better. Ask questions. Ask your doctor to use plain language. Make sure you understand all the reasons for surgery, the benefits, risks and alternatives.
4. Get phone, pager and email contacts for your doctors and their staff in case there is an emergency. Don’t be shy about this – you may need to contact your doctor.

Your child wants to respect you.  As a dad, you have the opportunity to shape a life, and for some dads, that’s a scary thought.  Dads sell themselves short when they shy away from parenting.  All parents need practice to parent well.  Give yourself a chance to practice, and if you do it wrong, your child will let you know.  Children are amazingly forgiving, and if you are trying your hardest to parent well, they know that.  Here are two things you can do to earn your child’s respect:

• Show your child a man who is worthy of respect.  Your child watches everything you do.  Your child will learn to react to frustration the same way that you do; he will value optimism or cynicism the same way you do, and he will treat others the way you do.  You don’t need to be a super-hero to earn the respect of a child, but you do have to be genuine and kind.  Teach your child about teamwork and respect.  If you’re not sure what to say about a given topic, find a book and read it together.  Not only are you a dad, but you are a teacher, too.

• If you make a mistake, admit it.  Don’t be too proud to admit that you overreacted or that you wish you had handled a situation differently.  All parents make mistakes, and it doesn’t discredit you at all if you admit it.  Explain briefly to your child the mistake you made in your parenting, and then explain how the situation will be corrected.  Say, “Everyone makes mistakes, and I made one.  I’m sorry.  I have learned from it, and I’ll do my very best to not make that mistake again.”  Your child isn’t keeping a tally of your mistakes.  If anything, she is keeping track of the times you were there for her, to give her a hug, a pep talk, or a tissue to dry her tears.

Now, go get ‘em, Dad.  Happy Fathers Day.

Living across the country from my family, I have loved the new technologies that allow us to stay in touch.  Using Skype or Face-time, in between visits home, I am able to see my nephews as they learn to walk, talk and recite the ABCs.  Last year, during one such online exchange, my nephew pointed to my face on the screen and said, “Aunt Audrey!”  He then climbed up onto the desk, obscuring my view as his body pressed against the computer’s camera.   When I asked what he was up to, my sister informed he that was looking for me behind the computer!

As a pediatrician, I see hand-held computer and mobile devices in the hands of an ever-younger population and I can’t help but wonder what kind of effect the rapid advances in technology are having on these developing minds.  Are the lessons of object permanence changing for my nephew as he is able to interact with a virtual “Aunt Audrey?”

Certainly, technologic advances are amazing and are doing wonderful things for the advancement of society, but I just can’t help but get the sense that we are pushing ever closer to a brave new world.  The YouTube video showing a toddler sliding his index finger across a magazine page – trying to change the image as you would on any number of touch-pad devices- is cute on the surface.  But it becomes somewhat disconcerting when I think about what lessons this child is learning about how to interact with his environment.

Admittedly, hand-held computer devices have made the pediatrician’s job easier!  To quiet an upset child, all a parent needs is their cell-phone uploaded with Dora the Explorer and – voila! – the physical exam is over in a cinch.   Nowadays computers are at the center of medicine, business, communication… life.   How are our brains changing as we lose touch with the tangible world and lose ourselves in the virtual?

Growing up, I had my fair share of “screen-time,” playing Klondike, Duck Hunt and Where in the World is Carmen San Diego on my parents’ desktop computer.  But still, the vast majority of the time, I spent playing outdoors in the tree-house, in the sandbox or riding my bike.  I spent entire afternoons playing imaginary games with my sister and brother.  We dressed in costumes and put on shows.  We played on the porch and pretended it was a ship, lost out at sea.   Perhaps I am simply feeling nostalgic.

It’s likely that these newer versions of “screen time” are no less dangerous or harmful than their predecessors: the radio, TV, computer and video game console.  As with all things, moderation is the key.  As a pediatrician, I counsel families that children should have no more that 2 hours of total “screen time” per day.  What rules do you have about technology in your family?  I’d love to hear your thoughts below!

“Never let the Urgent, crowd out the important.” ~ Kelly Caitlin Walker

I just stumbled on this quote and loved it. No idea who this woman is, just know she’s got it right.*

Lantana Flowers Smiley I think I do live by this credo. Just take a look at the laundry that needs folding and the weeds that need pulling, and, and, and. I could go on and on! Both of those chores could have been given priority today. But oh well, they weren’t. Oh well, pushed to the back burner, again.

And miraculously, the world didn’t stop spinning. Actually, no miracle need for this one, and that’s the lesson: it is ok to decide to allow yourself to put off, to de-prioritize the things we often wrongly think of as urgent. And, its way cool to go down your TO DO list, changing things from TO DO to TO DON’T.

How does this translate when you’re the parent trying to get kids to get things done? Perhaps, it is our job to reassess what we have prioritized. Do they really need to have a spotless room or do they need to go outside to check on the blooming acacia? Homework? Yes. Empty the dishwasher? Not so urgent.

Even more importantly as parents we should teach through example. How? No phone calls during meals; a call may be urgent but a family’s together time is important. No skipping your kid’s school performance; you may have pressing tasks that feel urgent but your child’s desire for you to be there is important.

So what did I do today (instead of laundry)? A ton of really cool stuff. All of it important, to me. All of it things no discerning eye will ever be able to discern. But my sense of satisfaction, for a day well spent, is all, and should be all, I need. You don’t get that from merely dealing with the urgent.

I’m not advocating that we teach our children to be slackers. But it is a very good idea to teach them to prioritize engaging with the world and other people with the goal of feeling and sharing happiness, contentment and joy.

Smile. Be happy

Ruth

* Got a minute? Google her. It might be interesting. Kelly Catlin Walker

P.S. I did dump the laundry onto the bed so there’ll be no sleeping until that one gets done. Actually kind of looking forward to it as it’s just about the only time I ever turn on the TV. Plus I might as well decide to enjoy it— hating the job doesn’t get it done any faster!

Guessing what babies and toddlers are thinking about can be difficult before they have words to tell the story. Over the first year parents usually do get increasingly adept at recognizing when their babies feel tired or hungry or have a poopy diaper. And at some point, many notice their babies staring impolitely at what the parents are eating – usually just around the time for the babies to start solids. Of course they would be fascinated by food! This is also about the time they start to stare at the mouth when you speak.

On January 17, 2012 the Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciencespublished an intriguing study of 120 babies from 4- to 12-months old, tracking their eye movements while their parents spoke. At four months the babies gaze at their parents’ eyes. By six months, though, a dramatic change has happened: babies are intent on lip-reading. When someone speaks, they stare at the mouth – puzzling out what this whole talking thing means and how it works. By 12 months old, babies developing normally have come to understand the mechanics and go back to watching the eyes during conversation – unless unfamiliar sounds, such as a foreign language, come up. The eyes also dilate to unfamiliar words.

I think this is one of the reasons that reading to babies is so powerful. Use the opportunity when they watch your mouth during speech to read to your baby, so they can watch the same words in the same order again and again.

And keep in mind: Babies understand far more language than most people think.

^{David J. Lewkowicz and Amy M. Hansen-Tift. Infants deploy selective attention to the mouth of a talking face when learning speech. PNAS 2012 ; published ahead of print January 17, 2012,doi:10.1073/pnas.1114783109}

1. “Friend” your kids and family members on Facebook If your child won’t friend you, don’t be discouraged.   The reason why kids do not want to friend their parents is not what you think.  It is actually because they are afraid that you will embarrass them.  Once you have proven that you know how to behave on Facebook with your own network of friends and have made an effort to learn the culture, your child will have more confidence in you as an online friend.  If they are still hesitant, then simply have at least one trusted parent or guardian friend your child. 

2. Teach your family about privacy settings  Our kids do not know as much as we think they do in this area.  Privacy settings are forever changing and can be confusing.  Sit down with your child and review their settings on a regular basis.  I suggest that privacy settings be checked once a month.  In my house we do it every Sunday.  I recommend that privacy be set to “friends only”.  “Everyone” and “friends of friends” settings are still too public.

3. Teach your kids to post thoughtfully Our kids do not naturally think about the ramifications of what they post or photos that they are tagged in.  This is a good opportunity to help them develop that skill.  Talk to them about their digital footprint and that it is permanent.  Even though your child can take down a photo or post, they do not know who else has shared it or where it will end up.

4. Use Facebook so that you understand it The best way to understand how something works is to use it.  Set aside 10 minutes a day to get on Facebook and explore.  Ask your child to explain features that you don’t understand.  This reversed teacher/learner role will go a long way in building an open communication about Facebook and give you the opportunity to guide and direct your child along the way.  Your child may always have more knowledge about social media, but you will always have more wisdom and real life experience.  Wisdom trumps knowledge.  This is the perfect opportunity for both child and parent to benefit from each other.

5. Turn “questionable actions” by others on Facebook into teachable moments for your family Seize the opportunity to ask your child “What do you think?” when other behave in unfavorable ways online.  You may be surprised by their answers.  They will often recognize when others behave inappropriately.  Talking through these real life examples will help your child think through the appropriate behavior should they be faced with a similar situation.

By following these simple steps, you can teach your child to function safely on Facebook and on other online platforms.  Just like a hammer, Facebook is a tool that can be used to build relationships or to destroy friendships.  Our children need our guidance in order to use this tool productively.