As a pediatric resident, I have families come into clinic on a daily basis with questions about parenting.  How do I discipline my child?  How do I get them to eat their vegetables?  How do I get them to stay in their own bed at night?   My question is: where does it say in the pediatric texts how to advise on parenting skills?  The truth: it often doesn’t!

As a doctor-in-training, the books tell us the what-you-need-to-do part of the equation, but leave the how-to-do-it part up for interpretation.  For example, the texts will tell you, a toddler needs to give up the bottle by 18 months, but it fails to say how you convince a child to do so.   It seems that effective pediatricians must have real-life inspiration to draw from.  Some ask their patients parents what has worked for them.  Others have their own child-rearing experience to draw from.  As for me, I rely on my sister.

My sister has two adorable boys – Finn and Oscar.  As the first grandchildren in our family, it hasn’t taken much effort on their part to stay in the spotlight.   As the eldest, Oscar was first to arrive on the scene, and he has certainly left an impression.  He is what you might kindly call “spirited” or “willful”.  But where euphemisms end comes the difficult truth: He has been one hard child to parent.

Oscar, like so many children, hasn’t followed the books.   He refuses to sit in a seat.  He laughs during a time-out.  He climbs high onto furniture and then throws himself off, laughing hysterically.   He pretends to kiss baby Finn and bites him instead.  He literally runs circles around us, as the rest of the family sits together having a family picnic.

As Oscar has hit every stage of development, I’ve found that my stock advice as a pediatrician has failed to hold up to the task.  Now, I don’t want to give the wrong impression: my sister has not asked for any advice in parenting from me, a non-parent.  I have merely heard her relay stories of failed efforts using tips I’m sure I’ve offered to many of my patients’ families.

Figuring out the right way to parent Oscar has been a challenge for my sister and her husband.  But the trials and tribulations of being a parent have won them the wisdom that comes with experience, and an arsenal of parenting expertise.  As Oscar enters his third year of life, he has mellowed a bit.  He is no longer waging a private war against his younger brother Finn, and his dare-devil acrobatics have ceased – at least for the time being.   He is learning to drink from a cup at mealtimes, and is finally enjoying his fruits and veggies.  As a mother to none, but an Auntie to two, I have had the benefit of learning from the tough experiences, without having to struggle through the lessons.  From my sister’s hard-won parenting battles, I now have a bit of real-life parenting to draw from, until I have the fortune of going through the lessons myself.

If you have a young child at home and you are expecting your second you’re probably wondering how to help ease the transition into life with a new baby. Your toddler is used to having your undivided attention and now she has to share it with someone new.  This transition phase can be challenging for both parents if they are not prepared.  It’s even harder on your toddler if you haven’t spent quality time helping her understand how life will change.  I will note that you can never completely take away the change and stress your first child will feel with a new baby but you can definitely help ease her transition by making her feel more secure and loved.

Here are some tips to help your child and you adjust:

Before Baby is Born

• If your child is old enough take her to a sibling preparation class. This class is usually held at your local hospital or healthcare facility designed for children two years of age and older.  It helps siblings prepare for the emotional and physical realities of the arrival of a newborn. Activities can include arts and crafts, role-playing, and a mini-tour of the nursery and maternity unit to see where mom will be spending the night.
• Give her a baby doll to play with
• Expose her to other babies and let her see you interact with a baby
• Children’s picture books can help your toddler visualize how life will change with a new baby
• Have your child help you pick out gifts for the baby
• Make sure to spend quality one on one time with your toddler helping her understand how things will change once baby is born
• You can tell your preschool age child that you are going to have a baby by sharing the preparation activities and also showing her your growing belly
• If your toddler will be transitioning out of her crib and giving it to the new baby make sure to do this a few months before the birth so the adjustment of losing her crib is not such a huge deal

After Baby is Born

• When baby is born have your toddler come in to spend time with you first before she’s introduced to the new baby
• Use the baby’s name so that the toddler knows the baby is a person rather than “the baby”
• Encourage your toddler to touch the baby and show her how to do so in a gentle manner
• Make sure to continue your toddler’s regular schedule once you come home with baby (ask for help from family members to assist you)
• It is important to maintain the same rules and discipline even after the new baby arrives so your toddler has consistency
• Include your toddler in usual routines for the baby such as diaper changing, feeding time or bathing
• Each parent should make quality one on one time with the toddler so she still feels that she has your love and attention
• Have your toddler become your little helper by asking her to get a diaper for the baby or find the baby’s toy
• If your child is older it will be easier for her to adjust to a newborn sibling because they can understand what is happening and be actively involved.
• You should encourage involvement in helping with the new baby but not force it.  Offer to your older child that she can attend an infant CPR or child safety course designed for children who will become a new big brother or sister.  If your child feels like she has the skills and confidence to help care for her newborn sibling it will make it an easier transition on all of you.

Resources: Keys to Preparing and Caring for Your Second Child by Meg Zweiback Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber & Mazlich

What are you teaching your kids? You may be shocked to realize much of your child’s behavior, whether appropriate or not, is connected to how you parent.

Parenting is the toughest job you will ever have. What other job requires you to supervise, protect, teach, encourage, love, provide for, and use empathy, thoughtfulness, kindness, patience and creativity every moment of the day? It is a job that can be very trying but the rewards will fill your heart with each smile, laugh and, “I love you” that your kids return.

Parents often say, “I hope when my child goes off to college or moves out they make the right decisions.” Or “I hope they can take care of themselves.” What I would say to those parents is- it is the early lessons they learn from us that allow them to succeed in life.

First of all, the truth is that the earlier we start teaching our children important lessons and give them responsibility, the easier it will be to continue those lessons as our children reach their teenage years and approach their twenties.

If we want to raise a child that will be a responsible, productive adult, who can take care of themselves, we need to start paying attention to the messages we are conveying to our children even when they are very young. We also need to emphasize learning, having fun and allowing kids to explore their world, but we should begin introducing our kids to money management, teamwork, household responsibility, ownership and social cooperation.

Start Teaching Lessons Early

By the time your child is 2 you can have them help you with easy tasks around the house. When you are doing laundry, allow your child to help you. Let them help carry the clothes or put them in the dryer or help you pour the detergent in the washer. It is fun to help mom at that age and without even saying anything you are starting to lay the foundation for teamwork, cooperation and household responsibility.

Even my 18 month old helps clean up toys and throws a tissue in the trashcan for me when I ask. You can see the sense of pride at having accomplished the task when he runs back to me after throwing the trash away. As your child gets older, you will want to add the amount of help or chores they do around the house. Children need to be given more responsibility as they get older and they need opportunities to learn what to spend their money on.

Two Guiding Principles for Raising a Child to Succeed

Of course, your primary concern is providing your kids with love, respect and the necessities but beyond those, these principles will help you raise independent children that will learn to take care of themselves and the world around them.

1. Language- What you Say is What You Get

It is important to be aware of the language we use when talking about housework, yard work, chores, money, helping others, and teamwork. We are our children’s first teachers and we have an opportunity to teach them throughout life if we honor that responsibility and privilege with respect. We may not feel like doing laundry or dishes, or vacuuming or saving money, but if you are positive or explain the necessity of those chores and saving to our kids, as they grow, they will be more likely to help with important work around the house. If you want your kids to do chores as they get older, be mindful of how you approach the chores.

2. Be Consistent with Your Discipline, Teaching, and the Messages You Convey

Consistency is one of the most important things in parenting. It is so easy not to be consistent but children actually feel more secure when there is a consistent message to our parenting and, amazingly, their behavior usually reflects it.

Kids Need to Learn Patience and Delayed Gratification

It is so important for kids to learn that everything does not happen right when they want it to. It is also important that they learn they do not get a toy just because they want it. An important lesson to work on with your kids is teaching deferred gratification and patience.

I learned my lesson with this principle. When I would go to a store like Target, on occasion I would buy something that only cost a dollar for my kids. Well, after doing this 2 or 3 times, I realized when I did not buy them something they threw a royal fit and acted like possessed children. I was shocked and embarrassed. I realized I had broken the cardinal rule – do not let them think they are entitled to get something for no reason.

I thought it’s only a dollar. My kids thought, we get something every time we go to the store because mom said it did not cost very much. As soon as I realized I had caused this problem I worked to fix it and within a week or two it had been resolved.

If you are wondering how I stopped the tantrums and begging it is simple. Before going into any store, I explain to my kids why we are going to the store, what we are getting, and I explain if I am getting anything for them (usually I am not unless it is for a special reason).

The other thing I do is tell them when they see something they want, that they can save their money and buy it once they have enough money or they can wait until their birthday or Christmas and ask for it and maybe they will get it if that is really what they want.

Once I was consistent with my message, my explanations and my actions, the kids behavior improved because I reinforced my rule and, in the process, my kids are learning about delayed gratification and patience.

Kids Need to Learn How to Handle Disappointment

Many parents focus on providing everything for their child. Every opportunity, every new toy or product, but it is actually very healthy for your child to learn how to handle disappointment. I am talking about an experience in life that does not go their way. It is an opportunity to coach your child, to listen and reassure them and explain that sometimes things do not work out the way we want them to. A good example of an appropriate disappointment is a child’s soccer team losing a game or your child having to miss a birthday party or not being able to take riding lessons.

I am not suggesting you purposely create disappointment for your child. I am merely explaining that disappointment is part of life and that, if we have small doses of it as we grow up, kids will be mentally able to handle these situations as they grow into adults. Be aware and sensitive to your child’s disappointments, but do not try and make up for the disappointment, just listen to them and talk through it and give them hope for a different outcome next time.

It is Your Responsibility to Teach Them Life Lessons Everyday

I know many parents who spoil their kids with every toy or outfit, or new gadget they want. I also know parents who usually give in to their child’s request to eat something else or stay up late. There is a time for bending the rules, but in everyday parenting we need to remember we are the adults, we make the rules and we need to help guide our children in the direction we want them to go.

We need to provide them with the information and practice in making smart decisions, learning to work with others; learning to save for important or necessary purchases and that sometimes life closes a door in front of us. These lessons will teach them that we work hard to open another door and to walk through with confidence and strength.

Dr. Greene’s Answer:

All kids throw some fits at some time. Those who continue are getting something out of them. It might be attention, coddling, or even just a chance to express rage. Receiving different responses in her two different settings makes it much more complicated. The ideal for her would be to have her meet with a counselor who could then meet with each of the parents to come up with an agreed-upon plan on how to deal with this. Your pediatrician probably knows who is the best in your area. It might be a psychologist, psychiatrist, MSW, or a behavioral pediatrician.

It often helps to give kids a constructive way to throw a tantrum. Explain to her: no hitting, punching, kicking, scratching, or biting. For one of my kids we had a special pillow that he could pound when he was mad or we had him run laps around the house. If she has a plan in advance, it might be easier for her to keep a little control. Also, be sure she knows in advance that when she has one of these, you won’t be able to give her what she is asking for.

Also, check any medications your child might be on. Some allergy medications, such as Benadryl, can make moods unpredictable. It can also decrease their ability to learn during the six hours or more after they take it. If she needs an antihistamine, one that doesn’t enter the brain is better, such as Claritin or Zyrtec. Talk to your pediatrician about these options.

Dr. Greene’s Answer:

Most kids hit or bite at some point. Those who keep it up usually feel they are getting something out of it. Either getting their way or getting attention (even negative attention), getting their siblingunhappy, or just getting a chance to express anger.

To help them go faster through this phase, immediately go to the child who is bit or hit, scoop him/her up for a hug, while saying, “No, no biting” to the biter. Then say he is in time-out and set a timer for three minutes. Don’t give him the attention to try to get him to stay in any particular place or go anyplace, just don’t pay attention for three minutes and at the end, when the timer dings, it is over.

For most kids, it is better not to have a “time-out” spot because if they leave, they are getting away with something or you pay attention to them trying to get them to stay. Either way, the time-out doesn’t work. The timer is important so that the end is not subjective. After the timer rings, treat him normally. In between, repeat the message, “In our family, we don’t bite.” Kids are trying to learn family identity at that age. In the meantime, try to teach him alternatives to get his way or express being upset.

In addition to time-outs for negative behaviors, give your child plenty of praise for positive behaviors. When your son is playing well with others and not biting or hitting, praise him for playing nicely. Children innately want a parent’s attention and affirmation. Your praise will act as strong motivating force for your child to avoid aggressive behaviors in the future.

Dr. Greene’s Answer:

With kids who are disruptive, working on empathy can be very helpful–not telling her what to do, but helping her learn to identify what others are feeling (which can lead to changes in behavior).

It is also good to keep in mind–especially if it runs in the family–that if ADHD shows up at that age, the most common symptoms are the ones you have described. It may be worth an evaluation by her pediatrician.

Dr. Greene`s Answer:

Ten months old is part of the Great Age of Exploration. Most kids have learned to maneuver across the room and they want to handle and examine (and often mouth) most everything they find. So the first step is to create a good environment for this. Remove as many things as possible that he shouldn’t mess with and strategically place cool things for him to explore.

Still, kids do need to learn the word “no.” You want to reserve “no” for only a few things at that age–activities that might hurt the baby or others or objects that he might destroy. A simple “no” followed by “no touch,” then moving him or the object, is usually enough. If the room has a lot of items that can’t be moved, then a portable play yard is a good idea–a place where he can handle anything he finds. But again he should have new things to discover every day.

The word “gentle” is also a great one to teach. Model it for him when he is a bit too rough. Say “gentle” softly and then show him how to do what he was doing in a more pleasant way. Around other children, if he hits or bites, it’s time to say “no” firmly.

Related concepts:

Temper tantrums, Emotional storms

Introduction to tantrums:

When your child kicks and screams at not getting his way, the outburst often seems to come at the least opportune times: during grocery shopping, when you’re on the phone, when you’re trying to get out the door, trying to make dinner, or at a family gathering.

What are tantrums?

Temper tantrums are expressions of intense, immediate frustration. They occur most frequently at an age when children’s verbal skills are inadequate to express their roiling emotions.
Gradually, after a child has mastered walking, an irresistible urge to make his own choices begins to well up inside him. This is an exciting development, but to make an independent choice he must disagree with you in order for the choice to be his own. Now, when you ask him to do something, part of him wants to please you, but part of him wants to refuse.
Many people call this important phase of development the “Terrible Twos.” I prefer to call it “The First Adolescence.” This period begins long before age two and actually continues long afterwards, but in the majority of children, it is most intensely focused around the period from one-and-a-half to three years of age.
The hallmark of this stage is oppositional behavior. Our wonderful children instinctively want to do exactly the opposite of what we want. We have nice, reasonable expectations and they say “NO!” or they simply dissolve into tears. Suppose you have some place to get to in a hurry. Your son has been in a great mood all day until you say, “I need you to get into the car right now.” He will, of course, want to do anything but get into the car.
As if this weren’t enough, children in this phase of development have a great deal of difficulty making the choices they so desperately want to make. You ask your child what he would like for dinner and he says macaroni. You lovingly prepare it for him and then as soon as it’s made he says, “I don’t want that!” It is perfectly normal for him to reverse a decision as soon as he has made it, because at this stage, he even disagrees with himself.
This phase is difficult for parents but it’s also hard for children. When children take a stand that opposes their parents, they experience intense emotions. Although they are driven to become their own unique persons, they also long to please their parents. Even now, when I do something that my parents disagree with, I feel very conflicted. I am an adult, living in a different city, with well-thought-out choices, and it is still quite difficult. For a child who is tentatively learning to make choices, who is dependent on his parents for food, shelter, and emotional support, it’s even more intense. Dissolving into tears is an appropriate expression of the inner turmoil that is so real for children who are in the midst of this process.
This season of emotional outbursts in children is reminiscent of labor – a series of intense spasms that ushers in a whole new phase of life.

Who gets tantrums?

Children going through this volatile developmental stage are most likely to get frustrated and have a tantrum when the intensity of the immediate situation increases. The excess stimulation may be visual, auditory, tactile, or a combination. It often includes being confronted with a bewildering array of choices, or being unable to get the attention or the desired, chosen outcome.
Let’s look at the example of the grocery store. As an adult, you can choose whether or not you want to go to the grocery store, when to go, what products you are going to buy, and which products you will not purchase. When you are in the middle of shopping in the grocery store, your child will see things he wants. To make the supermarket situation worse, there are cleverly designed packages up and down the aisles that scream, “Buy me! Buy me! Buy me!” We are largely able to tune that out, although it affects us much more than we think. For a small child who is just learning to make choices, it’s like going to a deafening rock concert. They are visually overwhelmed by high-decibel choices. They are compelled to start wanting multiple attractive items. When they can’t have what they want, they dissolve into tears and worse — deafening screams. Of course everybody in the store turns and looks at your child and (shudder) at you!
Almost all healthy children will have a number of temper tantrums but will eventually discard them as they find better strategies.
Those with ongoing tantrums often have reason for ongoing frustration or they have discovered that tantrums work! If children get the desired attention or outcome from their tantrums, they can become a powerful habit. Often these tantrums only occur when the parents are present.

What are the symptoms of tantrums?

A child may be acting ‘out of sorts’ before the tantrum begins. Then he asks for something he can’t have, can’t make up his mind, or tries to do something, but fails. Crying, perhaps screaming, will result. Some kids flail the arms and kick the legs. Some throw themselves on the ground. Some cry hard enough to vomit (making their parents desperately want to give in). Others will hold their breath – even to the point of passing out.

Are tantrums contagious?

Tantrums are not contagious, although the behavior of those around a tantrum can play into it.

How long does tantrums last?

Most children outgrow frequent tantrums by the time their language is mostly understandable to strangers.

How are tantrums diagnosed?

Tantrums are not a diagnosis. They are a normal phase of development, though they may be more prolonged, more frequent, or more intense in some children.

How are tantrums treated?

Realize that tantrums are an expression of acute frustration. They deserve a medium amount of attention (children should not feel that they get more of your attention by throwing a fit). Parents may be tempted to be loud or angry, but tantrums are a time to be calm.
First, take a deep breath. I’ve been in a grocery store with my children having temper tantrums, as a pediatrician, with my patients in the checkout line. The first thing you feel is, “I just wish I could drop into the floor so nobody would see me.” Many people won’t understand. They will look at you and think your child is spoiled or that you are a bad parent. The truth of the matter is that you probably have a normal child and are a good parent.
People who don’t have kids may not understand, yet. That is their problem, though. Try to be patient with them.
When I see a parent whose child is having a tantrum in a store, I am reminded of labor. When I look at a mom in labor, I see something that is heroic, triumphant, and beautiful. Tears come to my eyes when I am privileged to be a part of a birth. So, the next time this painful situation happens to you, take a deep breath and remember: if Dr. Greene were here, he would see something heroic and beautiful.
Next, while you are taking a deep breath, consciously relax. Kids play off your emotions. It’s so hard to relax in this situation, but just let your muscles go. The more uptight you are, the more energy is available for their tantrums. Kids thrive on attention, even negative attention.
Where you go from here depends on your child. Some children will calm down if you pick them up and hold them. My first son was like that. His storm would dissolve if you just gave him a big hug and told him it would be all right. If you picked up my second son during a storm, he would hit you — there were different ways to get him to calm down. Each child is unique.
One thing that often works very well is to try to voice to the child what he is going through. “You must really want to get this, don’t you?” Then he may melt and say, “Uh huh.”
Handle tantrums with a light touch. Seasoning the interaction with understanding, humor, and distractions can save the day.
You will have to experiment with your child to see what it is that can help him understand that everything is okay, these bad feelings will pass, and that it’s all a normal part of growing up.
Whatever you do, if your child had a temper tantrum to try to get something, don’t give it to him, even if you would have ordinarily done so. Giving in to tantrums is what spoils a child. Giving in is the easiest, quickest solution in the short run, but it damages your child, prolongs this phase, and ultimately creates far more discomfort for you. Choosing your son’s long-term gain over such dramatic short-term relief is part of what makes properly handling temper tantrums so heroic.

How can tantrums be prevented?

Children are most susceptible to storms when they are tired, hungry, uncomfortable, bored, or over-stimulated.
Be creative at orchestrating life to minimize tantrum weather. You may want a toy basket that only comes out when you are on the phone or online. Dinner preparation is a great time for your child to watch an entertaining video.
When possible, plan shopping for times when your child is rested, fed, and healthy. Interact with your son throughout shopping and/or bring along stimulating toys or books.
Remember the situation from your child’s perspective. You are going along making choice, after choice, after choice, but when he tries to make a choice, he doesn’t get what he wants. You can see how frustrating this would be. It’s often helpful to let your child pick out one or two things when at the store. A good way to do this is when a child asks for something, instead of saying, “No,” (which will immediately make him or her say, “Yes!”) say, “Let’s write that down.” Then write it down. When your child asks for something else, write that down, too. Then when you are all done, read back a few of the things on the list that you think would be good choices, and let him pick one or two of the things on the list. If children can make some choices, they will learn more and feel better.
Another worthwhile technique is for you to make a list before you go to the store. That way it won’t look so arbitrary when you pick what you want off the shelf while your child doesn’t get his choice. As you shop, whenever you put something in your basket, check it off your list. Even if it is not on your list, check it off. The list is to teach that each item has a purpose, not that you had thought of it previously.
His task during this time is to gain skill at making appropriate choices. To help him accomplish this, offer your son limited choices at every opportunity. He will be demonstratively frustrated when he is given direct commands with no options. He will decompensate if he has too many alternatives. Two or three options generally work best.
Make sure the choices you offer fall within an appropriate agenda. Your son still needs the security of knowing that he’s not calling all the shots. When it’s time to eat, say something like, “Would you rather have a slice of apple or a banana?” He feels both the reassuring limits that you set and the freedom to exercise his power within those limits. If there are two things he needs to do, let him decide which to do first, when appropriate.

Related A-to-Z Information:

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), Breath Holding, Head Banging, Nightmares, Separation Anxiety

For my children, we have three rules of sharing to help teach respect:

1. If you want to use something that belongs to someone else, you must ask first. When the kids go visit someone else, we are teaching them not to run and grab the toys, but to ask (unless, of course, the toy is offered). When others come over, our children can relax knowing that we will gently defend their possessions — “In our home, we ask each other before playing with others’ things.” Sometimes the kids give longstanding permission: “Sure, you can play with that whenever you want–you don’t need to ask.”
2. When someone asks to use your things, you can’t simply say, “no.”Nor do you have to say yes. But if you decline to share, respect the other enough to either give a reason or suggest an alternative, such as “Let’s take turns,” “You can play with it, but only inside,” or “That’s my very favorite, but you can play with any of these.”
3. Remember the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have done unto you. This comes in handy when considering how to answer someone who wants to play with your things. It helps you decide, too, when and what to ask of someone else (I know he just got that new toy, and I like to play with my new toys). This rule is also a wonderful guide for how to handle and care for others’ things when you are using them.

Clearly, these rules are ambitious, sometimes taking a lifetime to really learn. But children are hungry to sort these issues out, and as they mature they find these rules a satisfying solution.

Ultimately, our children learn more from what we do than from what we say. They learn best when what we do and say coincide.

She learns to pull herself to standing. Soon she is cruising ’round and ’round the crib, instead of going down for a nap. Then she begins to bounce up and down. Before long, she catapults over the top — generally landing with a loud thud. A long silence follows, then a heart-stopping wail.

It’s high time for a big-girl bed.

Your first task in this transition is to make your child’s room as safe as their crib used to be. This means fresh, aggressive childproofing.

• Check furniture such as bookshelves for stability. If need be, fasten furniture to the wall.
• Put locks on dresser drawers — toddlers love to pull out drawers and use them as stair steps to the top of a piece of furniture.
• Replace standard electrical outlet covers with childproof covers. I prefer these to the plastic-cap-type that are inserted into the outlet. The plastic caps are easily removed by an adult and then lost, leaving the plug uncovered. Worse yet, the plugs can be removed by children who will put them in their mouths while exploring the outlet.
• Make sure mini-blind, drapery, and curtain cords are well out of reach
• Remove any toys or other small objects that could be a choking hazard.
• Put any potentially hazardous materials, such as disposable diapers, in the closet and install a childproof latch on the closet door.

Next, make her room a place where she feels safe — especially at night.

• Night lights are important, but at this age many kids want even more light than that. A 15- or 25-watt bulb in a lamp can keep the monsters that “live under her bed” at bay. Put the lamp on a timer so that it goes on at bedtime and off when it is time to wake up. This serves two very useful purposes. First if your child does wake up during the night, she won’t be as frightened as she would be in the dark. Also, you can begin telling her that when she wakes up, if her lamp is still on, it’s still night-night time.
• Kids love stories at this age, so it’s a wonderful time to introduce a cassette tape, CD, or even a MP3 player that your child can learn to turn on and off all by herself. There are lots of great story tapes available now for children. Investing in a few of these is smart. It’s an even better investment to make your own. There are no sounds in the world that are as comforting as mom’s and dad’s voices.
• You might want to install a sturdy, metal child gate that swings open. Do not use a wooden, accordion style gate — both for your convenience and her safety. Let your child see you assembling the gate. When it’s in place, make a game of opening the gate and walking through it, then closing it and opening it again. Next close the door with you both inside. Explain to her that the gate is there to help her stay safely in her own room. When she’s comfortable with this, leave the room and stand just outside. Remind her that while she is in her room, she will be safe. Walk out of her sight and come back so that she gets used to being alone, inside her room, with the gate in place. You have just re-created the safety of her crib — only larger.
• Just before bedtime, tell her again that the lamp will be on as long as it’s nighttime. Remind her that while it is on she needs to stay in her room. When you put her to bed, help her turn on her tape player and, after your normal good night hugs and kisses, leave closing the gate behind you.

Your child will undoubtedly test you to see if you will enforce the “night-night time in your room” rule. She will probably stand at the gate and call for you to come and let her out– if you are lucky.

She also might cry mercilessly and try to make you feel guilty for confining him to his room. When this does happen, check on her to make sure she has not been awakened by a bad dream or she is not sick. Feel free to go into her room and help her get comfortable again so that she can go back to sleep. Let her know that she can read a book, listen to a tape, or play with her toys (since you can’t stop it, don’t make a fuss over it).

But she can’t leave her room till morning!

Leave and be prepared for an unhappy child. She will probably try to manipulate you into opening the gate and letting her come into your room. Children will often respond to new rules by testing them. Don’t give in.

Unless you have decided that you want to have a family bed, teaching your child to sleep through the night in her own room is a real gift to the whole family.