As parents, we want to prepare our children to handle conflict and work through it, but what may sound like a conflict to us may sound like bullying to others.  How do you determine if your child is facing a conflict with someone else, or if they’re actually involved in bullying?

First, let’s define bullying.  Bullying is a widespread and pervasive epidemic that affects approximately one in three school children in the U.S. today (Olweus, 2011). It’s characterized by an imbalance of power and aggressive behaviors over time, directed at a target who has trouble defending himself or herself adequately. Imbalances of power are not simply physical size or strength; popularity in the peer group or access to potentially damaging information can also be powerful.  In true bullying situations, the target needs help to get the bullying to stop- that is key.

With conflict there is no perceived power imbalance.  In fact, both parties may feel like they’re in the right, and they both could be.  The important thing to note is that conflict doesn’t involve a victim, but rather two aggressors whose actions are fairly equal over the time span of the disagreement.  Students can usually resolve conflict with mediation help from an adult, or by practicing good conflict resolution skills.  It’s important to allow children to resolve some conflict on their own, as that’s the best way for them to learn the skills they’ll need throughout their lives.  Parents should become involved, however, when the situation is lengthy, is taking an emotional toll on the child or involves threatening situations. When conflict turns to outright physical violence, schools and parents should involve the appropriate authorities. 

Hopefully, we’re nearing a time when myths like, “Bullying is a right of passage” and “It’s just kids being kids,” are obviously debunked.  We know the effects that bullying can have on children and adolescents are certainly serious: anxiety, depression, mood disorders, and physical ailments like headaches and stomachaches (Olweus, 2011).   Students involved in bullying need help, accurate help.  Adults in school and at home should avoid treating all negative interaction as if it’s conflict until they know for sure what is happening. Be wary of asking the two students to sit down and “work things out” until you know for sure what has happened.

Are you concerned that your child may be involved in bullying?  Or does your child handle conflict well?  If so, what skills did you teach them?

You can just imagine it. Your son or daughter is on the playground, and a bully comes up to them.  They start picking on your child, and soon, one of your child’s friends steps in to defend them. The bully walks away, and the confrontation dissolves.  Sounds likely, right?  Wrong. 

The fact is that most children think that bullying behavior is wrong.  However, surprisingly few of them step in to intervene, or take even less risky measures to stop the bullying (such as anonymous reporting).  There are many reasons bystanders (adults and children) steer away from helping in situations they know are wrong.  Think of a time you, as an adult, witnessed someone being taken advantage of or harassed.  Did you feel uncomfortable?  Did you act?  Did you feel safe in acting?  Did you think the target should have stood up for themselves?  Or perhaps you were too busy to give any thought to what was happening.  All of these reactions are felt by students who witness bullying at the hands of their peers.  

So what can you do as parents to prepare your children for witnessing bullying behavior?

First, introduce them to the concept of bullying.  If their school doesn’t have a bullying prevention program in place, the term and its definition may be completely foreign to them. Ask them for examples of bullying and how being bullied might make them feel.  Ask them if they’ve seen other students at school get bullied. What do most kids do when they see that kind of behavior?  Does your child think those reactions are right or wrong?

Next, teach them that everyone has a responsibility to report bullying because it’s unsafe and could end up hurting someone.  Sometimes, younger students are afraid of being a tattle tale. Teach them that telling an adult about bullying isn’t tattling because it’s helping someone who may be hurt. We need to work to erase the “tattling” stigma and to encourage reporting what we know to be harmful. 

Third, show students how encouraging bullying can impact them. Help them understand that when they observe bullying and choose not to be part of the solution, they are allowing the behavior to continue, and in the eyes of the targeted, they’ve contributed to the misery.  If targets turn to retaliation, it’s likely those students who stood by and did nothing are also at risk.  Remember this, when your advice to your children is to ‘just walk away” or ‘not get involved.” 

When students observe bullying, they have many positive options. If they feel comfortable, they could remind the aggressor of the school’s anti-bullying rules.  Sometimes just physical proximity to the target can be helpful, so they aren’t alone with the aggressor. If they don’t feel safe stepping in, the student(s) can tell an adult immediately about what they’ve observed. If the adult at school doesn’t help, they can enlist help from a trusted adult at home or in the community.

Keep in mind that bullying isn’t always direct or physical.  Spreading malicious gossip about someone else is also bullying.  If you child hears someone gossiping or saying mean things about another child, or sees cruel or damaging posts online, teach them to refrain from spreading what they’ve heard or seen, and to again report what they’ve seen to an adult.  

Remember how difficult it can be in adult life to step in and do the right thing when someone is being targeted.  Have honest conversations with kids about empathy and what it means to have compassion for others- even if they are in different friendship circles.  Assure your kids that you will support them in their actions to put an end to bullying and to work for justice. 

Have you had this conversation with your child?  What motivated you to do it?  Do you think the rise in social media usage among children is contributing to bystander behavior?

Your child has opened up to you that he is being bullied at school.  Now what?  If you feel less-than prepared to handle this situation, you’re not alone.  Although most schools are becoming responsive to bullying behavior (and are likely required to by state law)  some are still not doing enough to promote open communication between parents, teachers, students and administrators.

With your child’s trust in hand, schedule an appointment with your child’s teacher.  It’s best to do this shortly after your first inclination that something is wrong.  Explain the situation to them and don’t be surprised if they have no idea that the situation is happening.  Often, bullies don’t act up in front of adults, and some of them are very good at keeping their bullying a secret.  

Explain clearly the information as you understand it (it may help to document what your child has shared with you).  Ask what the teacher (or other school personnel) has witnessed on playgrounds or in other classes.  Listen closely to the teacher’s reply.  It is important to discern their impression of the situation.

At this step, some parents learn that what’s going on isn’t bullying at all, but conflict between their child and another student.  Conflicts between peers are frequent and require different resolution steps than bullying.  If your conversation with the teacher confirms that bullying could be happening, make sure the two of you plan steps to ensure the bullying will stop.  Document what the teacher is sharing with you and schedule a time in the near future to meet again and follow-up to make sure the situation has gotten better. 

You may also want to speak with your child’s guidance counselor.  Ask them if they’ve noticed a difference in your child, if they’ve witnessed or heard about any bullying directed towards them. Again, don’t be surprised if they haven’t noticed.  Take time to find out from the counselor what bullying prevention programs are in place, and note any policy or procedural steps you can review with your child (as in who takes reports of bullying at school and how they can make those reports without fear of retaliation).

If these preliminary steps do not help, continue to document the experiences of your child.  Make another appointment with the school administrator, show them your documentation and tell them about your previous talks with teachers or counselors.  Ask them what they plan to do to keep your child safe.  If the school hasn’t been trained in bullying prevention, they may suggest getting your child and the bully into the same room to “talk it out.”  Don’t let this happen.

Again, bullying is not conflict.  Instead, suggest that administration speaks directly with the student(s) who are doing the bullying and with their parents, letting them know that bullying behavior isn’t accepted in the school and why this behavior is considered bullying.

Have you spoken to your child’s school about bullying?  What programs do they have in place?  Or are they avoiding the situation?

As a parent, it doesn’t take much to detect when something’s different about your child.  While not all issues are apparent, if your gut is telling you that something’s wrong, then it’s time to inquire.

The health issues that children experience when involved in bullying – as the bully, bullied or bystanders – are significant.  Your child may experience headaches, stomachaches, and sleep problems if bullying is in her life. Many parents are the most anxious, however, when they are concerned their child is the target of bullying behavior.

If you suspect that your child is being bullied, there are certainly reasons to be concerned.  Academically, bullying can take a toll on your child.  Research has shown that children who are excluded from their peers are at a greater risk of academic difficulties over time (Buhs).  Children who are targeted at school can also become withdrawn from school or other activities they used to love, and show slight to significant declines in grades.

In addition to the physical symptoms listed above, mental health issues may also present themselves.  Watch your child for signs of anxiety, depression or other mood disorders.  These can be common among children who are bullied (Fekkes).  Gradual avoidance of friends or withdrawal from social situations can also be warning signs.

Know these signs and begin the conversation with your child. Often, just talking with children helps. They aren’t always looking for us to solve the problem; it helps to be an empathetic listener, and to share your own experiences from school. Telling them to fight back or to ignore the bully are pieces of bad advice.

Bullying is a systemic problem. There could be a lot going on, from inadequate supervision at school to deeper behavioral health problems with the aggressor. It’s unlikely, and unfair, for your child to attempt to stop the bullying on his or her own.  As parents it’s our responsibility to stay tuned into our children and to take active measures to help when signs indicate that bullying is taking a toll on them.

Are you concerned that your child is being bullied?  What are the warning signs you’re noticing?

Maybe it’s the extra money your child came home with.  Or the fact that he’s losing his temper more often.  Does she deflect responsibility for her actions, especially if those actions are earning disciplinary consequences at school?  Children who bully often exhibit certain behaviors, and it’s important as parents to be able to identify the warning signs.

Bullying behavior isn’t just a phase children go through; it can mean that they’re beginning the path towards long-term behaviors that can damage their futures.  In fact, research has shown that socially, boys who were identified as bullies in middle school were over three times as likely to have multiple criminal convictions by their early 20s, and higher self-reports of drug and alcohol use (Olweus).  Research has also shown that bullies are more likely than their peers to be involved in other antisocial, violent, or troubling behavior, like fighting, vandalism, stealing, weapon-carrying, school drop-out, and poor school achievement (Olweus).  Immerging research points to long-term effects for society as well, since those who bully others are known to access public welfare systems, pass through the criminal justice system and generally contribute less productively to society over time. (Highmark Foundation, 2012.)

Even if your child seems relatively well-adjusted and does not exhibit any severe antisocial patterns, there is a fine line between assertive and aggressive behavior.  Our overall goal as parents should be to raise healthy children who contribute positively as adults. Think about how your child’s current behavior would be accepted in the work place when they’re older. Are you seeing any patterns that concern you?

Certainly the long-term risks warrant a conversation with your child. Be on the lookout for:

Bullying behavior at home: Are they physically or verbally bullying their siblings at home?

Friends who bully: Are their friends bullies?  Has your child recently joined a new social circle?  Learn more about those friends and how they treat others.

Discipline at school: Have they been sent to the principal’s office or received detention frequently?

Blaming others: Do they often blame others for their behavior?

Aggression: Have they become aggressive recently – at home or at school?

Exclusion: Do they exclude others?  Are they overly concerned with popularity or their reputation? Do they call other kids “weird” or “losers?”

Hurts Animals: Have they become aggressive with pets or animals?

Are you concerned that your child may be engaging in bullying behavior? What sort of warning signs are you noticing?

Dr. Greene’s Answer:

With kids who are disruptive, working on empathy can be very helpful–not telling her what to do, but helping her learn to identify what others are feeling (which can lead to changes in behavior).

It is also good to keep in mind–especially if it runs in the family–that if ADHD shows up at that age, the most common symptoms are the ones you have described. It may be worth an evaluation by her pediatrician.

Current evidence tells us that DDT was responsible  for a host of medical problems and the deaths of many children – but the link wasn’t proven until  more than 30 years later!

I’m certain that the dangers of some chemicals in common use in the United States today have yet to be proven.

However, in October 2001, the National Institute  of Environmental Health Sciences (NIEHS) and the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) took a major step forward, announcing four new children’s environmental health research centers. They will look into environmental exposures that may contribute to autism and ADHD. They will also investigate children’s variable genetic susceptibility to different environmental poisons, including the impact of exposure to mercury and PCBs. In addition they hope to measure the impact of reducing exposures to pesticides, lead and tobacco smoke on children’s hearing, behavior and test scores.

The four new centers will open in August 2002, joining eight already established in 1998. What a wonderful step forward for our children.

“Huffing,” or inhaling volatile substances, is becoming increasingly popular among children, especially among 12- to 14-year-olds (Archives of Pediatric and Adolescent Medicine, 1998;152(8):781–786).

Alarmingly, about 20% of eighth-graders report having done it (International Journal of Addiction, 1993;28:1613–1621).

Besides sudden cardiac arrest (the most common cause of death from inhalants), huffing can kill quickly in a number of other ways. Motor vehicle accidents, falls, and other traumatic injuries are common and horrible. Others die from suffocation, burns, suicide (from the depression that can follow the high), and from choking–on their own vomit.

Huffing can kill the very first time children experiment with it. About 22% of those who die from huffing do so the first time they try it (Human Toxicology, 1989;8:261–269).

When huffing doesn’t kill quickly, it damages the body each time–especially the brain. Huffing can cause memory loss, impaired concentration, hearing loss, loss of coordination, and permanent brain damage. Chronic use can cause permanent heart, lung, liver, and kidney damage as well.

Solvents (found in glues, paints, and polishes), fuels (such as butane), nitrites (found in deodorizers), and almost any kind of aerosol spray can be responsible.

Most huffing takes place with friends (although kids who sniff correction fluid in class when their teachers turn away are not uncommon). Be observant of your child and his or her friends.

Inhalants gradually leave the body for 2 weeks following huffing–mostly through exhaling. The characteristic odor is the biggest clue. Be on the lookout for breath or clothing that smells like chemicals. Look for clothing stains. Watch for spots or sores around the mouth.

Nausea, lack of appetite, weight loss, nervousness, restlessness, and outbursts of anger can all be signs of inhalant abuse. A drunk, dazed, or glassy-eyed appearance might mean your child is abusing inhalants right now.

If you suspect or discover that you child is huffing, get professional help. Treating inhalant abuse is very difficult and requires expert intervention. Withdrawal symptoms may last for weeks. The relapse rate without a long-term (2-year) program is very high.

Preventing huffing is far better than trying to treat an inhalant addiction. Talking with your child about it is more powerful than anything else (NIDA Research Monograph, 1988;85:8–29).

Start talking with your child about it now. Although huffing peaks between the ages of 12 and 15 years, it often starts “innocently” in children only 6 to 8 years old (Pediatrics, 1996;97:3).

Literally thousands of easily available substances can be inhaled, so you can’t keep your child away from them. You can, however, educate and inspire.

For more information on huffing, I recommend visiting www.inhalant.org.

Dr. Greene’s Answer:

We all know how much we hate to have a bad hair day. Our hair is an important part of our self-esteem. Advertisements for hair care products call out to us from television and magazines. When someone changes her hair, people often feel compelled to comment.

Trichorrhexis (pronounced trick-o reck sis) is not a word you are likely to hear tossed around in casual conversation. It comes from two old Greek words: trichos — meaning hair, and rhexis — meaning fracture. People with trichorrhexis have hair that breaks easily.

Trichorrhexis nodosa is the most common hair shaft disorder. The hair is especially fragile, owing to the presence of tiny grayish-white nodules along the shaft. People with trichorrhexis nodosa have dry, flat, short hair that breaks easily, leaving short, stubbly broken ends and patches of partial baldness. The trichorrhexis may affect only isolated patches of hair, or may affect the entire scalp. Even gentle bending of an affected hair can break it off.

Some people are born with trichorrhexis nodosa, and others acquire it along the way. The congenital form is sometimes associated with tooth or nail abnormalities, which thankfully your daughter does not have. Congenital trichorrhexis nodosa may run in families, or may occur spontaneously. When it does run in families, it is occasionally associated with mental retardation from an underlying metabolic problem (argininosuccinic aciduria — don’t worry about the name). This can be diagnosed with a urine test, but would already be evident from your daughter’s development. The great majority of people with trichorrhexis nodosa have no underlying disease, and no problem other than fragile scalp hair.

The acquired form of trichorrhexis nodosa comes in two types: proximal (where the hair breaks close to the scalp) and distal (where the hair breaks farther out). Proximal trichorrhexis nodosa is common in people of African descent. Those with a genetic predisposition to this have hair that becomes more fragile in response to hair straightening, braiding, tight headwear, or harsh brushing. Distal trichorrhexis nodosa is seen mostly in people of European and Asian descent. The hair becomes more fragile with prolonged sun exposure, immersion in saltwater, or mechanical trauma. Both acquired forms of trichorrhexis nodosa will disappear within about 4 years, if the trauma to the hair shafts is stopped. In the meantime, cream rinses and protein conditioners are helpful.

Trichorrhexis invaginata, also called bamboo hair, is a rare abnormality of the hair in which the hair shaft telescopes in on itself (invaginates) at several points along the shaft. Under a microscope, the hair shaft looks like a stalk of bamboo, or a partially-lowered car antenna. The problem with the hair is that the outer wall of the shaft is too soft, allowing the distal part to slip back into the proximal part of the shaft. This rare disorder is more common in girls than in boys. It appears in infancy, and affects all the hairs of the body — not just those of the scalp. The hair is usually dry, flat, short, sparse, and easily breakable. As yet, there is no specific treatment for trichorrhexis invaginata, but in many children it disappears by itself, beginning at about age 6. If it is still present when puberty is complete, it will likely be a lifelong problem.

Trichorrhexis invaginata sometimes occurs with other hair and skin abnormalities (including trichorrhexis nodosa) in a rare autosomal recessive inherited condition called Netherton’s syndrome. Affected children have the hair problem along with allergies and a rash that looks like eczema — but that doesn’t respond well to cortisone creams. These rashes respond very well to the use of ammonium lactate lotion accompanied by treatment of the allergies (Journal of Allergy and Clinical Immunology, January 1995).

Whatever combination of trichorrhexis nodosa and invaginata your daughter has, aim at reducing trauma to her hair. Avoid prolonged or intense sun exposure — especially between 10 a.m. and 4 p.m. (even on overcast days), since the sun’s rays are strongest during these hours. If she is outside, consider a loose-fitting hat (if she’s an 18 month old who will keep one on!); a tight hat can mechanically damage the hair. Minimize swimming in salt water (not a major problem in Tennessee, I know). Only shampoo her hair when necessary. When you do, use a cream rinse and protein conditioner. If it contains a sunscreen, that would be a nice bonus. Use the minimal amount of combing and brushing necessary for her to look her best, and be as gentle as you can. Consider using a satin pillowcase, so that when she sleeps her hair will be less likely to bend.

A recent study out of Japan (Journal of Dermatology, February 1995) has shown that out of the many factors that can injure the hair of someone with trichorrhexis, mechanical bending is the most damaging. In this study, even very gentle bending of the hair, using a pair of tweezers, resulted in multiple fractures of the hair shafts. Keeping this information in mind during everything that you do with your daughter’s hair (washing, rinsing, combing, etc.) will help you to minimize the damage. Begin now teaching her about her hair. She won’t understand yet, but as you lovingly explain why you do the things you do, she will gradually come to understand and care for her own hair.

Remember that the most important part of all this is how your daughter feels about herself. Help her to feel beautiful. She may need extra effort put in to find her adorable clothes, for instance. Cute shoes may make her hair feel like less of a problem.

Find someone great to consult with about hairstyle. For some children, keeping longish hair can help cover bald patches. For others, short hair (which is less likely to break) looks more stylish. Consider having her ears pierced, and giving her some fun earrings. Adorable, loose-fitting hats may work well for some kids. No matter what you do, as she gets older other children may make hurtful comments about your daughter’s hair.

No matter what, your daughter’s most important mirror is your eyes.

Dr. Greene’s Answer:

It’s clear that you are pleased with your son. My guess is, your father was pleased with you, too. Perhaps he just didn’t know how to express it in a way that “got through.” Knowing when and how to express your pleasure with your child can help him to become a mature, healthy, independent, successful adult.

Taking pride in our own accomplishments or those of our children is a healthy thing. Requiring ourselves or our children to continually accomplish things is not healthy. You need to express your pleasure with your son on an ongoing basis and to tell him you are proud of him at specific times.

There are several key times to express to your child that you are proud of him. First, whenever you see your son stick out his chest, swollen with pride in his own accomplishment, you should join him in celebrating. It doesn’t matter whether the accomplishment seems significant to you or not — what counts is that he does. You can be proud that he has achieved his own goals. When you see his self-satisfaction, point out to him that he must be very proud of himself. Then tell him how proud you are of him. When he counts to three for the first time, he will probably be very excited — “Wow, you counted to three! You sure are learning. You must feel very proud of yourself. I’m proud of you, too! You’re really doing great!”

There will be other times when your son has accomplished something, but is not sure of himself. In those times, he will probably look to others for affirmation. Many children experience this when they are experimenting with art. They aren’t sure if it is “good” or not. They look to others to find out if they are okay. When your son begins to “color”, you probably won’t even know what it is he is trying to draw. When he brings you something that he has created, the best thing to do is to describe what you see, in a warm, appreciative voice. Include specifics, such as, “I especially like the colors you decided to use.” Listen eagerly if he begins to talk about it also. When he is done, you don’t need to critique the drawing. You can simply say, “You are really learning to express yourself with your art. I love it.”

Perhaps the most crucial situation in which you need to tell your son that you are proud of him is when he feels like a failure. Undoubtedly your son will have many “failures” before he masters using the potty every time he needs to. Children often feel like failures. The most important time to tell your son that you are proud of him is when you see him deflated over his lack of accomplishment. Describe positive character traits that you see. Again, be specific — “I know you really wanted to make it to the potty. And I’m proud of you for trying. You could have kept on playing, but as soon as you realized you needed to go, you ran to the potty. You make me so proud and happy. I love you!” Praise for positive character traits does more to build a child’s healthy self-esteem than praise for what you perceive as accomplishments.

Always pay attention to your son’s cues. When he went on the potty but was reluctant to celebrate, he probably felt that this first time was an accident and was scared of not being able to repeat the performance. Your husband may have noticed a valuable cue. At times like this, it is best to express your pleasure and confidence in a matter-of-fact way, and then turn your attention to the book that he is excited about.

To build self-esteem, children (and adults) need symbols of their accomplishments. Consider starting a tradition of celebrating your son’s “firsts.” Get a special object like a dinner plate with “I did it!” imprinted on it. Let that be your son’s special plate, for use on days when he does something for the first time. (The plate can also be used as a signal that the conversation at the dinner table needs to include a recounting of his accomplishment!)

Another excellent habit to get into is taking pictures that depict each accomplishment or achievement. Be sure and take a picture of your son riding his bike on the first day he manages to balance it all by himself. Keep copies of those”special achievement” pictures in a separate album. Whenever your son is feeling especially low, pull out the album, sit down together, and tell the story of each accomplishment, taking time to remind him how proud you are of all the things he has done. Before long, he will be able to see his current situation in light of the many great things he has done, and he will know that you are proud of him.

Children need to try new things in order to grow. Growing is exciting, but trying new things includes risking failure. Learning to deal with success and failure are both parts of the process of growing up. If your son really knows how proud you are of him, whether he succeeds or fails, he will be much more likely to try new things and he will be well on his way to success in life.

In the meantime, remember that just as your son doesn’t have to be the perfect child, you don’t have to be a perfect mother. We parents can’t always get it right. Occasional instances of over-praising your child when he wasn’t ready for it will not hurt his social development. What’s important is the overall tone of the parent-child relationship. It’s clear from your question that you are a caring, positive mother who wants to become more and more successful in raising your child. Your son isn’t the only one who deserves praise! The pee-pee episode can simply serve as a learning experience for you — a chance to fine-tune your parenting skills. In this situation, as in so many others in family life, not only the children but also the adults have the opportunity to learn from their own imperfections. Each member of the family has the opportunity to grow in respectful, patient compassion towards the others — and towards him- or herself.