What are you teaching your kids? You may be shocked to realize much of your child’s behavior, whether appropriate or not, is connected to how you parent.

Parenting is the toughest job you will ever have. What other job requires you to supervise, protect, teach, encourage, love, provide for, and use empathy, thoughtfulness, kindness, patience and creativity every moment of the day? It is a job that can be very trying but the rewards will fill your heart with each smile, laugh and, “I love you” that your kids return.

Parents often say, “I hope when my child goes off to college or moves out they make the right decisions.” Or “I hope they can take care of themselves.” What I would say to those parents is- it is the early lessons they learn from us that allow them to succeed in life.

First of all, the truth is that the earlier we start teaching our children important lessons and give them responsibility, the easier it will be to continue those lessons as our children reach their teenage years and approach their twenties.

If we want to raise a child that will be a responsible, productive adult, who can take care of themselves, we need to start paying attention to the messages we are conveying to our children even when they are very young. We also need to emphasize learning, having fun and allowing kids to explore their world, but we should begin introducing our kids to money management, teamwork, household responsibility, ownership and social cooperation.

Start Teaching Lessons Early

By the time your child is 2 you can have them help you with easy tasks around the house. When you are doing laundry, allow your child to help you. Let them help carry the clothes or put them in the dryer or help you pour the detergent in the washer. It is fun to help mom at that age and without even saying anything you are starting to lay the foundation for teamwork, cooperation and household responsibility.

Even my 18 month old helps clean up toys and throws a tissue in the trashcan for me when I ask. You can see the sense of pride at having accomplished the task when he runs back to me after throwing the trash away. As your child gets older, you will want to add the amount of help or chores they do around the house. Children need to be given more responsibility as they get older and they need opportunities to learn what to spend their money on.

Two Guiding Principles for Raising a Child to Succeed

Of course, your primary concern is providing your kids with love, respect and the necessities but beyond those, these principles will help you raise independent children that will learn to take care of themselves and the world around them.

1. Language- What you Say is What You Get

It is important to be aware of the language we use when talking about housework, yard work, chores, money, helping others, and teamwork. We are our children’s first teachers and we have an opportunity to teach them throughout life if we honor that responsibility and privilege with respect. We may not feel like doing laundry or dishes, or vacuuming or saving money, but if you are positive or explain the necessity of those chores and saving to our kids, as they grow, they will be more likely to help with important work around the house. If you want your kids to do chores as they get older, be mindful of how you approach the chores.

2. Be Consistent with Your Discipline, Teaching, and the Messages You Convey

Consistency is one of the most important things in parenting. It is so easy not to be consistent but children actually feel more secure when there is a consistent message to our parenting and, amazingly, their behavior usually reflects it.

Kids Need to Learn Patience and Delayed Gratification

It is so important for kids to learn that everything does not happen right when they want it to. It is also important that they learn they do not get a toy just because they want it. An important lesson to work on with your kids is teaching deferred gratification and patience.

I learned my lesson with this principle. When I would go to a store like Target, on occasion I would buy something that only cost a dollar for my kids. Well, after doing this 2 or 3 times, I realized when I did not buy them something they threw a royal fit and acted like possessed children. I was shocked and embarrassed. I realized I had broken the cardinal rule – do not let them think they are entitled to get something for no reason.

I thought it’s only a dollar. My kids thought, we get something every time we go to the store because mom said it did not cost very much. As soon as I realized I had caused this problem I worked to fix it and within a week or two it had been resolved.

If you are wondering how I stopped the tantrums and begging it is simple. Before going into any store, I explain to my kids why we are going to the store, what we are getting, and I explain if I am getting anything for them (usually I am not unless it is for a special reason).

The other thing I do is tell them when they see something they want, that they can save their money and buy it once they have enough money or they can wait until their birthday or Christmas and ask for it and maybe they will get it if that is really what they want.

Once I was consistent with my message, my explanations and my actions, the kids behavior improved because I reinforced my rule and, in the process, my kids are learning about delayed gratification and patience.

Kids Need to Learn How to Handle Disappointment

Many parents focus on providing everything for their child. Every opportunity, every new toy or product, but it is actually very healthy for your child to learn how to handle disappointment. I am talking about an experience in life that does not go their way. It is an opportunity to coach your child, to listen and reassure them and explain that sometimes things do not work out the way we want them to. A good example of an appropriate disappointment is a child’s soccer team losing a game or your child having to miss a birthday party or not being able to take riding lessons.

I am not suggesting you purposely create disappointment for your child. I am merely explaining that disappointment is part of life and that, if we have small doses of it as we grow up, kids will be mentally able to handle these situations as they grow into adults. Be aware and sensitive to your child’s disappointments, but do not try and make up for the disappointment, just listen to them and talk through it and give them hope for a different outcome next time.

It is Your Responsibility to Teach Them Life Lessons Everyday

I know many parents who spoil their kids with every toy or outfit, or new gadget they want. I also know parents who usually give in to their child’s request to eat something else or stay up late. There is a time for bending the rules, but in everyday parenting we need to remember we are the adults, we make the rules and we need to help guide our children in the direction we want them to go.

We need to provide them with the information and practice in making smart decisions, learning to work with others; learning to save for important or necessary purchases and that sometimes life closes a door in front of us. These lessons will teach them that we work hard to open another door and to walk through with confidence and strength.

Temper tantrums can be a normal and common part of early childhood, but sometimes they are a sign of a problem that needs to be addressed.

Parents often ask me whether their child’s tantrums are beyond what is normal. When is a red-faced preschooler screaming and flailing about normal; when is the tantrum a cause for concern? What’s too often? What’s too long? What’s too extreme?

Stay tuned for the top 5 reasons to be concerned.

Researchers at Washington University School of Medicine analyzed the tantrums of 279 children from 3 to 6 years old. Their results will be published in the January 2008 Journal of Pediatrics.

They divided tantrum behaviors into aggressive-destructive (kicking others, hitting others, throwing objects, breaking objects), self-injurious (hitting self, head banging, holding breath, biting self), non-destructive aggression (non-directed kicking, stamping feet, hitting wall), and oral aggression (biting others, spitting on others).

The authors suggest that parents need not worry about isolated or occasional extreme tantrums, especially if the child is hungry, overtired, or ill. Instead, they should pay attention to tantrum styles, the overall pattern of tantrums.

They identified 5 high risk tantrum styles and suggest that kids over age 3 with any of these deserve further evaluation by a mental health specialist.

The results of the study are preliminary, and by no means proven, but at least give parents and pediatricians a place to start.

1. Aggressive tantrums. If a child shows aggression toward a caregiver or tries to destroy toys or other objects during most tantrums, the child may have ADHD, oppositional-defiant disorder, or another disruptive disorder. Specifically, if more than half of a series of 10 or 20 tantrums includes aggression to caregivers and/or objects, consider an evaluation. Depressed children may also have a pattern of aggressive tantrums.
2. Self-injurious tantrums. By the time a child reaches age 3, a pattern of trying to hurt oneself during a tantrum may be a sign of major depression and should always be evaluated. At this age tantrums that include behaviors such as scratching oneself till the skin bleeds, head-banging, or biting oneself are red flags no matter how long the tantrums last or how often they occur. In this study, they were almost always associated with a psychiatric diagnosis.
3. Frequent tantrums. Tantrums at home are more common than tantrums in daycare or school. Having 10 separate tantrums on a single day at home may just be a bad day, but if it happens more than once in a 30 day period, there is a greater risk of a clinical problem. The same goes for more than 5 separate tantrums a day on multiple days at school. In this study, when tantrums occurred at school, or outside of home or school, more than 5 times a day on multiple days, there was a higher risk of ADHD and other disruptive disorders.
4. Prolonged tantrums. A normal tantrum in this study averaged about 11 minutes (though I.m sure it seemed a lot longer to parents!). When a child.s typical tantrums last more than 25 minutes each, on average, further evaluation is wise.
5. Tantrums requiring external help. Kids who usually require extra help from a caregiver to recover from a tantrum were at higher risk for ADHD, no matter how frequent the tantrums were or how long they lasted. Speaking calmly to your child in the midst of a tantrum, or acting reassuringly, is normal. But if you find you can.t stop a tantrum without giving in or offering a bribe, pay attention. By age 3, kids should be learning how to calm themselves.

It’s normal for healthy preschool kids to have extreme tantrums sometimes, and to lash out at people or things on occasion. Starting to pay attention to tantrum styles rather than individual tantrums may help sort out what’s healthy and what’s not, and how to respond.

What’s your experience with tantrums?

Beldon, AC, Thomson NR, Luby JL. Temper tantrums in health versus depressed and disruptive preschoolers: defining tantrum behaviors associated with clinical problems. Journal of Pediatrics. 10.1016/j.jpeds.2007.06.030. January 2008.

For almost ten years now I’ve suggested using a simple, easy “Get Out of Bed Free Card” for those who want to help preschool and school-age children learn to happily stay in their own rooms at night. I’ve heard from thousands of parentsaround the world who have been thrilled with the results.

Now, in the April 2007 Journal of Pediatric Psychology the author of the original study on the technique, and colleagues, report a randomized controlled trial in 19 children whose sleeping habits were carefully monitored and measured. All of the children in the study were bedtime resistant at the start; they regularly cried, called out, and/or left their rooms after bedtime. Half received bedtime passes, which I’ll describe in a moment. The children who received passes quickly began to call and cry out significantly less frequently. The time to quiet dropped significantly. And trips out of the bedroom dropped to near zero. When the children were monitored again 3 months later, the families were still enjoying these benefits, even though none of them were still using the passes. The children who had never received sleep passes, though, were still crying and calling out, taking longer to quiet at bedtime and still leaving their rooms afterwards. The parents who tried the bedtime passes were very satisfied – 92 percent reported that it was easy and stress-free for them and 100 percent believed that their children experienced no discomfort. This is so important. Not responding to a crying child can be very stressful for both parents and children, and cut against our primal instincts.

So how do you use bedtime passes? Simple.

1. Give your child a special card good for one free trip out of their room each night or one visit from a parent – for a brief, acceptable purpose such as a drink and a hug. Many families decorate the cards, often with the child.
2. Require the child to get in bed at bedtime, but be sure the free pass is close at hand.
3. When the child uses the pass, the card is surrendered for the rest of the night.
4. If children leave the room again that night, they are walked back without a word and without eye contact.

This method can work like magic for children age 3 to 10, if your goal is for them to sleep in their own rooms. I’ve also seen it work wonders in some younger and older children. The first couple of nights most children try the pass to be sure it works. They will often try an extra visit or two to be sure you are serious about no attention later in the night. Then, the magic happens: most kids start holding onto their cards throughout the night, in case they might need it later, and fall asleep on their own, remaining in their own rooms all night. If you leave the pass on the nightstand, you might find it in your sleeping child’s hands in the morning. Aren’t they beautiful when they sleep?

What’s your experience with sleep?

Dr. Greene’s Answer:

All kids throw some fits at some time. Those who continue are getting something out of them. It might be attention, coddling, or even just a chance to express rage. Receiving different responses in her two different settings makes it much more complicated. The ideal for her would be to have her meet with a counselor who could then meet with each of the parents to come up with an agreed-upon plan on how to deal with this. Your pediatrician probably knows who is the best in your area. It might be a psychologist, psychiatrist, MSW, or a behavioral pediatrician.

It often helps to give kids a constructive way to throw a tantrum. Explain to her: no hitting, punching, kicking, scratching, or biting. For one of my kids we had a special pillow that he could pound when he was mad or we had him run laps around the house. If she has a plan in advance, it might be easier for her to keep a little control. Also, be sure she knows in advance that when she has one of these, you won’t be able to give her what she is asking for.

Also, check any medications your child might be on. Some allergy medications, such as Benadryl, can make moods unpredictable. It can also decrease their ability to learn during the six hours or more after they take it. If she needs an antihistamine, one that doesn’t enter the brain is better, such as Claritin or Zyrtec. Talk to your pediatrician about these options.

Dr. Greene’s Answer:

Most kids hit or bite at some point. Those who keep it up usually feel they are getting something out of it. Either getting their way or getting attention (even negative attention), getting their siblingunhappy, or just getting a chance to express anger.

To help them go faster through this phase, immediately go to the child who is bit or hit, scoop him/her up for a hug, while saying, “No, no biting” to the biter. Then say he is in time-out and set a timer for three minutes. Don’t give him the attention to try to get him to stay in any particular place or go anyplace, just don’t pay attention for three minutes and at the end, when the timer dings, it is over.

For most kids, it is better not to have a “time-out” spot because if they leave, they are getting away with something or you pay attention to them trying to get them to stay. Either way, the time-out doesn’t work. The timer is important so that the end is not subjective. After the timer rings, treat him normally. In between, repeat the message, “In our family, we don’t bite.” Kids are trying to learn family identity at that age. In the meantime, try to teach him alternatives to get his way or express being upset.

In addition to time-outs for negative behaviors, give your child plenty of praise for positive behaviors. When your son is playing well with others and not biting or hitting, praise him for playing nicely. Children innately want a parent’s attention and affirmation. Your praise will act as strong motivating force for your child to avoid aggressive behaviors in the future.

The October 1999 issue of the Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine reports success with giving preschool and school-age children a free pass to get out of bed once each night. Originator, clinical psychologist Dr. Patrick C. Friman, gave children 5×7 cards embossed with their names. Each night they could turn in the card for one brief visit out of their room. The visits were to be for a specific purpose — a drink of water, a hug, or a bathroom visit. If children cried or left the room after they had already used their pass, the parents ignored the crying and returned the children to their room without eye contact and without a word. Many children saved the pass for later and then fell asleep — secure, knowing they had the pass. Also, knowing that leaving the bedroom was no longer forbidden removed some of its allure. However it works, though, parents and children both love it!

For my children, we have three rules of sharing to help teach respect:

1. If you want to use something that belongs to someone else, you must ask first. When the kids go visit someone else, we are teaching them not to run and grab the toys, but to ask (unless, of course, the toy is offered). When others come over, our children can relax knowing that we will gently defend their possessions — “In our home, we ask each other before playing with others’ things.” Sometimes the kids give longstanding permission: “Sure, you can play with that whenever you want–you don’t need to ask.”
2. When someone asks to use your things, you can’t simply say, “no.”Nor do you have to say yes. But if you decline to share, respect the other enough to either give a reason or suggest an alternative, such as “Let’s take turns,” “You can play with it, but only inside,” or “That’s my very favorite, but you can play with any of these.”
3. Remember the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have done unto you. This comes in handy when considering how to answer someone who wants to play with your things. It helps you decide, too, when and what to ask of someone else (I know he just got that new toy, and I like to play with my new toys). This rule is also a wonderful guide for how to handle and care for others’ things when you are using them.

Clearly, these rules are ambitious, sometimes taking a lifetime to really learn. But children are hungry to sort these issues out, and as they mature they find these rules a satisfying solution.

Ultimately, our children learn more from what we do than from what we say. They learn best when what we do and say coincide.