Remember playing the Silent Game with your parents so that they could have a few moments of silence? Perhaps you just played this game in the car with your kids?  Let me introduce to you another version of the Silent Game that offers more benefits other than a few moments of silence.

The Silent Game can be much more than that. In the education world we call this: Internal Hearing. This is really just a fancy term for thinking quietly. Yes, it is an abstract concept and yes, toddlers can do this!

At this point, I have to confess. I am absolutely obsessed with teaching children Internal Hearing. I commit an entire year passing this technique on to my 3 year old classes. Not only do I love it, but the children love the challenge as well.  Now how can a non-music teacher, busy parent like yourself incorporate this technique? Here’s a step-by-step guide of how I teach my students in class using the classic song, “The Itsy Bitsy Spider”:

Step 1:

Use a song you and your child know well. If there are hand movements that go with your song, even better.

Step 2:

Propose a challenge to your child after singing through the song: “I wonder if we can sing this song INSIDE OUR HEAD? That means we will be thinking the exact same thing at the same time – with no sound!”

At first, they may not know what you mean. If this is the case, sing the song again but with no sound coming out. You’ll be lip-syncing and doing the motions if there are any. Your child may still sing out-loud, and that’s OK. She will eventually notice that you are singing along with her silently and start copying you.

Step 3:

Establish a phrase that will cue your child when you want to play this game. It can be something like: “Let’s sing this song inside our ______ (point to your head)!” Once your child is confident with this new game, he/she will be able to fill in the blank knowing exactly what you are thinking.

I love the idea that children can imagine a song in their head but most of all, I love the idea that the children can engage and connect with someone at a level with the absence of sound.

Whether it’s in the car, cooking with the family, or tucking your precious one into bed, this is just another idea of making an everyday task into a musical one.

I was just listening to a panel discussion about effective behaviors of people who coach sports. The panelists said a whole bunch of interesting things about discipline and motivation.  I was most struck by one man’s advice to teach kids (people) to have a mistake strategy or mistake ritual.

After a player makes a mistake, if they have no prepared strategy for moving beyond the mistake, it’s human nature to focus on the mistake and beat yourself up. This goes for not only the person who made the mistake but also for the teammates. Being agitated about the error takes you out of the current moment.  So that player who is upset about a mistake is distracted and not playing well in the minutes of the game following the error.

The coach taught the kids to “flush it.” As in, what do you do with something that stinks? That last play was a stinker. Let’s flush it away, forget about it and move on.

He found giving the kids an action to do was the key to getting them to switch gears. He coaches 11 year olds. I can just imagine a bunch of 11 year olds applying the “flush it” ritual to a mistake on the field: squatting, making bathroom noises, etc. And then with smiling faces, moving on to focus on the next play.

It made me think about how true this is for daily life. The sooner we “flush it,” the sooner we can move on and do our best in the next challenge of the day. When you focus on the good and the cool and the happy, you feel so much happier and more content, more Smiley!

Resist defining your day by the small inconveniences or even by the big bummers. And while we’re at it, remember small inconveniences are just that, small. Keep them that way by not giving them a second thought.

Smile. Be happy. And flush it.

Ruth

Toilet Smiley

My partner and I have been practicing our own brand of equally shared parenting since we became parents. We don’t feel like it is important to split everything down the middle. However, we do think that it is important for us to both contribute daily to the management of our household and raising our children. Each family needs to find an approach to this that works for them. This is ours…

Focusing on our relative strengths

We each have things that we like to do, things we are good at, things we hate doing, and things we are not good at.  Knowing what those are has helped us to create dividing lines in the household chores that work for us.  I understand the argument that a good independent feminist should learn how to do everything herself in case she ends up on her own one day, but honestly, I prefer to focus on earning enough money to pay someone to do the things I can’t or don’t want to do if I was ever in that situation (which I hopefully will not be).  And really, if I need to learn how to clean a toilet one day, I will. I don’t need years of practice.

So our division of labour, focusing on our relative strengths, goes something like this:

Me:

• Managing finances (banking, investments, bill payments, taxes, etc.)
• Shopping (groceries, kids’ clothes, etc.)
• Cooking (meals at home, kids school lunches)
• Vegetable garden (new this year!)

Him:

• Cleaning (dishes, vacuuming, scrubbing toilets, etc.)
• Garbage
• Snow removal
• Landscaping and home repair

Shared:

• Laundry (whoever notices that a load needs to go in, but arguably more often him than me since he is home more often than I am)
• Car maintenance (usually he takes his car, I take my car, but sometimes it depends on who has time and is in the right place)

I am generally the primary income earner in our family, which is part design and part circumstance (he has been a student and a stay-at-home dad, while I was getting ahead in my career). However, now that both kids are in school full-time and he is working on finishing his PhD, the roles may reverse again and I may head back to school at some point or choose to work part-time for a while once he has a job with sufficient income.  I have also taken several breaks from my work to be a stay-at-home parent, during each child’s newborn stage and also this past spring and summer while we were living in Berlin.

Sharing what is important

We split a lot of things, but we also share what is important: being parents to two wonderful, yet challenging kids.  We have both taken turns being the stay-at-home parent, even though he spent more time in that role than I did. We both think about the best approaches to parenting, even though I do more research and reading on it than he does. We both love our children, laugh with them, play with them, cry with them, and cuddle with them, but we each do it in our own way.

Why squabble over things that aren’t important?

Even when things are split down the middle and both partners have equal experience and expertise with a task or responsibility, they will still have disagreements about how to do it best. The one thing we do split most evenly is parenting and we don’t always agree on the best approach to everything. When we aren’t on the same page, we hopefully discuss it and resolve it more often than we undermine each other. But in stressful moments, that isn’t necessarily always the case.

If we were both the experts on everything in the house, however, I think that there would be a constant case of too many cooks in the kitchen.  I don’t want someone adding spices to the sauce as I cook. He doesn’t need anyone pointing out the spot he missed when wiping the counter. We each have our own tasks and it is just easier when the other person keeps their nose out of it altogether. It keeps the fights to a minimum.

Parenting, however, is the exception. It is difficult enough, important enough, and rewarding enough that it is worth sharing, even if that is challenging sometimes. While difficult situations may strain a relationship, I think that surviving important struggles together makes it stronger.

When were we hit with the “big bang” explosion of modern family life, one that left us sick with the demands of parenting in the new age, and virtually vomiting undigested stress over the days of our lives like the detritus of a karmic kinder piñata?

It wasn’t like that when I was growing up. Life was simple then. Little things mattered; and they were remembered.

Toys were treasured and maintained for their rarity and value—either as a hand-me-down from an older sibling, a prized Christmas gift, or a memorable “win” at the county fair. You could actually count them, polish them, and store them with care in your bedroom closet.

In fact, my father still has stored away the rocking horse my brother received when he was 5 years old in the 1950s.

It’s the age of instant McGratification.

Forget about impromptu games of street hockey, or lacrosse, when kids obligingly pulled the goalie nets off the road every time a neighbor gently nosed his car home from work. Gone are the twilight hours when parents would stand on the veranda, cup their hands over their mouths, and sound the call for kids of all ages to come in from the trees, gardens and sloping lawns next door and prepare for bed.

Gone are the days of Huckleberry Finn. And I highly doubt we’re the better for it.

These days, moms are powered by pedophile paranoia, multitasking madness, and mini-cab moonlighting.

As we gather breathlessly around our children’s music, hockey, ballet, soccer, gymnastics, art and what-have-you classes (a different flavor each day of the week) like personal body guards to budding royalty, we are nothing more than frenetic adrenaline burn-outs, each sounding like Minnie Mouse rushing out of a Disneyland fun den, after sucking back on a helium hookah.

Speed talking, fast driving, manic making of snacks and lunches—that’s my life—it’s all fast-forward and I realize I don’t have the wheels for it.

There are days when I long to slap my hand to my chest, reach up my other hand beseechingly to the sky and say “I’m comin’ Elizabeth, I’m comin’”,  just like Fred Sanford (Redd Foxx) from the 1970s TV show, Sanford and Son used to do.

I just want my house to stop spinning and land somewhere—even if it’s on the Wicked Witch of the East. I thought perhaps it might be just my age.

That was until I happened upon a recent article in Time by Nancy Gibbs, entitled The Backlash Against Overparenting, aptly beginning with a hallmark opening “The insanity crept up on us slowly; we just wanted what was best for our kids.” It’s a must-read.

According to the author of Simplicity Parenting, the average kid today has 150 toys (and I’ll wager at least 80 of them are “free” gifts from the McMarketing guys). He says that when life is “a series of improvisations and emergencies” with a stress level leaving parents feeling “beaten down, mentally and physically” it’s time to simply the family process.

Payne says that, even if we are at the point of saturation and burn-out, feeling that simplification is (quite simply) an overwhelming exercise in futility, there’s still stuff we can do to tone it down, little by little.

In a nutshell, the keys to “simplicity parenting” are threefold: 1) streamline your home environment to reduce toys, clutter, and sensory overload; 2) establish predictable routines to ground you and your kids like “pasta nights”, and time anchors for doing things, and 3) make sure you put down time in the schedule—you know, a good old fashioned “coffee break” in the midst of Munchkin Land.

Frankly, there’s a rosy sadness in me as I peruse this book. Had life not changed so drastically from growing up in the 1960s and 70s, the concept for this book would never have spawned from the author’s creative imagination.

It’s hard to believe that we need someone to re-educate us on how to enjoy the process of just being parents and kids, taking pleasure in hanging out together in the brief bubble of the weaning to tweening years, in the creation of our own family myth and ritual to be passed down to future generations.

On the other hand, Mr. Kim John Payne, M.Ed., I wonder what took you so long.  I think I see Opie strolling down the lane in the distance with a fishing rod slung over his shoulder…or could that be Huck Finn?

Yes, it was all so simple then.

Each day I see parents trying their best to do what’s right for their families, but no one has the perfect guidebook that tells parents what to do. Here are the top ten solvable problems that I advise parents to remedy today.

1 ) Do… Have confidence in your parenting style.Don’t… Worry about what your parents or the neighbors or your child’s teacher thinks about your parenting style. Create a parenting style that makes you comfortable and relax.

2 ) Do… Create an exercise program for yourself.Don’t… Skip it because you don’t have the time. Kids follow our example.  If we’re not exercising, they won’t learn to either.  So take care of yourself and teach your kids to do the same.

3 ) Do… Take the time to create healthy love foods for your family.Don’t… settle routinely for food that isn’t helping them build a strong body and mind. What children eat is vitally important and the foods they learn to love when young will often be their favorites as adults.  You can create healthy love foods for them by what you feed them now and give them a life-long gift.

4 ) Do… Give your kids a good multi-vitamin each day.Don’t… Trust our food sources to provide all the nutrients kids need. Most kids don’t eat 5 servings of fruits and veggies a day.  Even if they did (and I do encourage at least that many) our food’s nutrient density has gone down.  Kids need a good multi-vitamin each day to round out their nutritional needs.

5 ) Do… Stay consistent with your rules.Don’t… Let whining wear you down. If you want a child to sleep in her own bed, then letting her sleep in your bed “just this once” is going to make it much harder later.

6 )  Do… Think about the things that matter.Don’t… Pick the wrong things to worry about. You need to pay close attention to some things, like your kids’ safety.  But don’t sweat the small stuff even if it means your kids sleep in their street clothes instead of pajamas.

7 ) Do… Take advantage of today.Don’t… Wait until tomorrow to build life-long memories. Plan something every season that your kids will look forward to year after year.

8 )  Do… Pay attention to both your perspective and your child’s.Don’t… Lose sight of your needs or theirs. If we focus too much on whatever children want, or too much on what we want, they miss out on learning both to give and receive.

Dr. Greene’s Answer:

All kids throw some fits at some time. Those who continue are getting something out of them. It might be attention, coddling, or even just a chance to express rage. Receiving different responses in her two different settings makes it much more complicated. The ideal for her would be to have her meet with a counselor who could then meet with each of the parents to come up with an agreed-upon plan on how to deal with this. Your pediatrician probably knows who is the best in your area. It might be a psychologist, psychiatrist, MSW, or a behavioral pediatrician.

It often helps to give kids a constructive way to throw a tantrum. Explain to her: no hitting, punching, kicking, scratching, or biting. For one of my kids we had a special pillow that he could pound when he was mad or we had him run laps around the house. If she has a plan in advance, it might be easier for her to keep a little control. Also, be sure she knows in advance that when she has one of these, you won’t be able to give her what she is asking for.

Also, check any medications your child might be on. Some allergy medications, such as Benadryl, can make moods unpredictable. It can also decrease their ability to learn during the six hours or more after they take it. If she needs an antihistamine, one that doesn’t enter the brain is better, such as Claritin or Zyrtec. Talk to your pediatrician about these options.

Dr. Greene’s Answer:

Most kids hit or bite at some point. Those who keep it up usually feel they are getting something out of it. Either getting their way or getting attention (even negative attention), getting their siblingunhappy, or just getting a chance to express anger.

To help them go faster through this phase, immediately go to the child who is bit or hit, scoop him/her up for a hug, while saying, “No, no biting” to the biter. Then say he is in time-out and set a timer for three minutes. Don’t give him the attention to try to get him to stay in any particular place or go anyplace, just don’t pay attention for three minutes and at the end, when the timer dings, it is over.

For most kids, it is better not to have a “time-out” spot because if they leave, they are getting away with something or you pay attention to them trying to get them to stay. Either way, the time-out doesn’t work. The timer is important so that the end is not subjective. After the timer rings, treat him normally. In between, repeat the message, “In our family, we don’t bite.” Kids are trying to learn family identity at that age. In the meantime, try to teach him alternatives to get his way or express being upset.

In addition to time-outs for negative behaviors, give your child plenty of praise for positive behaviors. When your son is playing well with others and not biting or hitting, praise him for playing nicely. Children innately want a parent’s attention and affirmation. Your praise will act as strong motivating force for your child to avoid aggressive behaviors in the future.

Dr. Greene’s Answer:

With kids who are disruptive, working on empathy can be very helpful–not telling her what to do, but helping her learn to identify what others are feeling (which can lead to changes in behavior).

It is also good to keep in mind–especially if it runs in the family–that if ADHD shows up at that age, the most common symptoms are the ones you have described. It may be worth an evaluation by her pediatrician.

Dr. Greene`s Answer:

Ten months old is part of the Great Age of Exploration. Most kids have learned to maneuver across the room and they want to handle and examine (and often mouth) most everything they find. So the first step is to create a good environment for this. Remove as many things as possible that he shouldn’t mess with and strategically place cool things for him to explore.

Still, kids do need to learn the word “no.” You want to reserve “no” for only a few things at that age–activities that might hurt the baby or others or objects that he might destroy. A simple “no” followed by “no touch,” then moving him or the object, is usually enough. If the room has a lot of items that can’t be moved, then a portable play yard is a good idea–a place where he can handle anything he finds. But again he should have new things to discover every day.

The word “gentle” is also a great one to teach. Model it for him when he is a bit too rough. Say “gentle” softly and then show him how to do what he was doing in a more pleasant way. Around other children, if he hits or bites, it’s time to say “no” firmly.

Dr. Greene’s Answer:

Just as habits take a long time to form, they often take a while to change. It’s not too late for this boy to learn constructive ways of behaving. One of the main ways that kids learn is by experimenting and then observing the results. If a child tries tantrums or defiance and gets results he likes, the habit becomes more deeply ingrained.

One of the first things that parents need to do is figure out which behaviors they want to change and what their child has been getting out of them. The faster they can make those behaviors unsuccessful for him, the faster he’ll let go of them.

Kids also learn a lot from imitation, stories, videos, and their peers. Finding him friends who are well behaved and reading him positive stories may help. It can be tough for kids to figure out constructive ways to get the results they want. When kids are behaving well, that should be acknowledged. Parents should make their child’s attempts at good behavior successful, engaging them with as much energy when they are sweet as when they are exasperating.

Making this change can be tough for the parents, but it is well worth it. It also may be worthwhile for both parents and their child to meet with a behaviorist who could help them recognize unhealthy patterns.