10 Post-baby Surprises – Numbers 3-5

The Worst Massage Ever

The Worst Massage EverYesterday I began sharing my list of ten things that I didn’t know about the first few days after having a baby. Today, I give you numbers 3, 4 and 5.

3. Please excuse me, but something has left my body via my vagina.

I had no idea that after they took out the babies, grabbed that good old placenta, and sewed you back up that so much STUFF was still going to need to exit your body. You’ll just be laying there enjoying your hospital pudding, when all of a sudden something will just casually make its way out of you.

Believe me, there is nothing like talking to your mother-in-law and feeling something slide out of your vagina. It’s extremely disconcerting.

And did I mention the bleeding? Holy cow, I bled for days, if not weeks after I delivered. Which leads me to every woman’s favorite post-delivery undergarment:

4. The Foxy Lady Diaper Panties.

Ah, the famous mesh underpants. Are they not magnificent? Consider these to be another way of bonding with your newborn, as you both lay there in your own horrible.

5. The worst massage ever.

Hey, did you know that the nurses will come by every so often to give a massage? Yes, really! And did you know that they are going to massage your stomach, right where you recently had anywhere from 5 to 15 pounds of baby and also where someone recently cut you open and stapled you back together?

It hurts. It hurts so very very much. They do it so that your uterus will contract and you won’t bleed to death, which is a super good idea, but the word “massage” does not at all describe what it actually feels like. That’s like calling labor “tummy hugs.”
Of course, the fact that it is called a “uterine massage” probably should have tipped me off that this was not going to be a comfortable experience. It’s not like they offer uterine massages at the spa. “Hm…do I want a facial, a pedicure, or a uterine massage…?”

Come back tomorrow for surprises number 6 and 7!

Meredith Bland

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Meredith Bland is an award-winning humor blogger. You can read all of her nonsense at PileofBabies.com.

 

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