As parents, we want to prepare our children to handle conflict and work through it, but what may sound like a conflict to us may sound like bullying to others.  How do you determine if your child is facing a conflict with someone else, or if they’re actually involved in bullying?

First, let’s define bullying.  Bullying is a widespread and pervasive epidemic that affects approximately one in three school children in the U.S. today (Olweus, 2011). It’s characterized by an imbalance of power and aggressive behaviors over time, directed at a target who has trouble defending himself or herself adequately. Imbalances of power are not simply physical size or strength; popularity in the peer group or access to potentially damaging information can also be powerful.  In true bullying situations, the target needs help to get the bullying to stop- that is key.

With conflict there is no perceived power imbalance.  In fact, both parties may feel like they’re in the right, and they both could be.  The important thing to note is that conflict doesn’t involve a victim, but rather two aggressors whose actions are fairly equal over the time span of the disagreement.  Students can usually resolve conflict with mediation help from an adult, or by practicing good conflict resolution skills.  It’s important to allow children to resolve some conflict on their own, as that’s the best way for them to learn the skills they’ll need throughout their lives.  Parents should become involved, however, when the situation is lengthy, is taking an emotional toll on the child or involves threatening situations. When conflict turns to outright physical violence, schools and parents should involve the appropriate authorities. 

Hopefully, we’re nearing a time when myths like, “Bullying is a right of passage” and “It’s just kids being kids,” are obviously debunked.  We know the effects that bullying can have on children and adolescents are certainly serious: anxiety, depression, mood disorders, and physical ailments like headaches and stomachaches (Olweus, 2011).   Students involved in bullying need help, accurate help.  Adults in school and at home should avoid treating all negative interaction as if it’s conflict until they know for sure what is happening. Be wary of asking the two students to sit down and “work things out” until you know for sure what has happened.

Are you concerned that your child may be involved in bullying?  Or does your child handle conflict well?  If so, what skills did you teach them?

You can just imagine it. Your son or daughter is on the playground, and a bully comes up to them.  They start picking on your child, and soon, one of your child’s friends steps in to defend them. The bully walks away, and the confrontation dissolves.  Sounds likely, right?  Wrong. 

The fact is that most children think that bullying behavior is wrong.  However, surprisingly few of them step in to intervene, or take even less risky measures to stop the bullying (such as anonymous reporting).  There are many reasons bystanders (adults and children) steer away from helping in situations they know are wrong.  Think of a time you, as an adult, witnessed someone being taken advantage of or harassed.  Did you feel uncomfortable?  Did you act?  Did you feel safe in acting?  Did you think the target should have stood up for themselves?  Or perhaps you were too busy to give any thought to what was happening.  All of these reactions are felt by students who witness bullying at the hands of their peers.  

So what can you do as parents to prepare your children for witnessing bullying behavior?

First, introduce them to the concept of bullying.  If their school doesn’t have a bullying prevention program in place, the term and its definition may be completely foreign to them. Ask them for examples of bullying and how being bullied might make them feel.  Ask them if they’ve seen other students at school get bullied. What do most kids do when they see that kind of behavior?  Does your child think those reactions are right or wrong?

Next, teach them that everyone has a responsibility to report bullying because it’s unsafe and could end up hurting someone.  Sometimes, younger students are afraid of being a tattle tale. Teach them that telling an adult about bullying isn’t tattling because it’s helping someone who may be hurt. We need to work to erase the “tattling” stigma and to encourage reporting what we know to be harmful. 

Third, show students how encouraging bullying can impact them. Help them understand that when they observe bullying and choose not to be part of the solution, they are allowing the behavior to continue, and in the eyes of the targeted, they’ve contributed to the misery.  If targets turn to retaliation, it’s likely those students who stood by and did nothing are also at risk.  Remember this, when your advice to your children is to ‘just walk away” or ‘not get involved.” 

When students observe bullying, they have many positive options. If they feel comfortable, they could remind the aggressor of the school’s anti-bullying rules.  Sometimes just physical proximity to the target can be helpful, so they aren’t alone with the aggressor. If they don’t feel safe stepping in, the student(s) can tell an adult immediately about what they’ve observed. If the adult at school doesn’t help, they can enlist help from a trusted adult at home or in the community.

Keep in mind that bullying isn’t always direct or physical.  Spreading malicious gossip about someone else is also bullying.  If you child hears someone gossiping or saying mean things about another child, or sees cruel or damaging posts online, teach them to refrain from spreading what they’ve heard or seen, and to again report what they’ve seen to an adult.  

Remember how difficult it can be in adult life to step in and do the right thing when someone is being targeted.  Have honest conversations with kids about empathy and what it means to have compassion for others- even if they are in different friendship circles.  Assure your kids that you will support them in their actions to put an end to bullying and to work for justice. 

Have you had this conversation with your child?  What motivated you to do it?  Do you think the rise in social media usage among children is contributing to bystander behavior?

Your child has opened up to you that he is being bullied at school.  Now what?  If you feel less-than prepared to handle this situation, you’re not alone.  Although most schools are becoming responsive to bullying behavior (and are likely required to by state law)  some are still not doing enough to promote open communication between parents, teachers, students and administrators.

With your child’s trust in hand, schedule an appointment with your child’s teacher.  It’s best to do this shortly after your first inclination that something is wrong.  Explain the situation to them and don’t be surprised if they have no idea that the situation is happening.  Often, bullies don’t act up in front of adults, and some of them are very good at keeping their bullying a secret.  

Explain clearly the information as you understand it (it may help to document what your child has shared with you).  Ask what the teacher (or other school personnel) has witnessed on playgrounds or in other classes.  Listen closely to the teacher’s reply.  It is important to discern their impression of the situation.

At this step, some parents learn that what’s going on isn’t bullying at all, but conflict between their child and another student.  Conflicts between peers are frequent and require different resolution steps than bullying.  If your conversation with the teacher confirms that bullying could be happening, make sure the two of you plan steps to ensure the bullying will stop.  Document what the teacher is sharing with you and schedule a time in the near future to meet again and follow-up to make sure the situation has gotten better. 

You may also want to speak with your child’s guidance counselor.  Ask them if they’ve noticed a difference in your child, if they’ve witnessed or heard about any bullying directed towards them. Again, don’t be surprised if they haven’t noticed.  Take time to find out from the counselor what bullying prevention programs are in place, and note any policy or procedural steps you can review with your child (as in who takes reports of bullying at school and how they can make those reports without fear of retaliation).

If these preliminary steps do not help, continue to document the experiences of your child.  Make another appointment with the school administrator, show them your documentation and tell them about your previous talks with teachers or counselors.  Ask them what they plan to do to keep your child safe.  If the school hasn’t been trained in bullying prevention, they may suggest getting your child and the bully into the same room to “talk it out.”  Don’t let this happen.

Again, bullying is not conflict.  Instead, suggest that administration speaks directly with the student(s) who are doing the bullying and with their parents, letting them know that bullying behavior isn’t accepted in the school and why this behavior is considered bullying.

Have you spoken to your child’s school about bullying?  What programs do they have in place?  Or are they avoiding the situation?

As a parent, it doesn’t take much to detect when something’s different about your child.  While not all issues are apparent, if your gut is telling you that something’s wrong, then it’s time to inquire.

The health issues that children experience when involved in bullying – as the bully, bullied or bystanders – are significant.  Your child may experience headaches, stomachaches, and sleep problems if bullying is in her life. Many parents are the most anxious, however, when they are concerned their child is the target of bullying behavior.

If you suspect that your child is being bullied, there are certainly reasons to be concerned.  Academically, bullying can take a toll on your child.  Research has shown that children who are excluded from their peers are at a greater risk of academic difficulties over time (Buhs).  Children who are targeted at school can also become withdrawn from school or other activities they used to love, and show slight to significant declines in grades.

In addition to the physical symptoms listed above, mental health issues may also present themselves.  Watch your child for signs of anxiety, depression or other mood disorders.  These can be common among children who are bullied (Fekkes).  Gradual avoidance of friends or withdrawal from social situations can also be warning signs.

Know these signs and begin the conversation with your child. Often, just talking with children helps. They aren’t always looking for us to solve the problem; it helps to be an empathetic listener, and to share your own experiences from school. Telling them to fight back or to ignore the bully are pieces of bad advice.

Bullying is a systemic problem. There could be a lot going on, from inadequate supervision at school to deeper behavioral health problems with the aggressor. It’s unlikely, and unfair, for your child to attempt to stop the bullying on his or her own.  As parents it’s our responsibility to stay tuned into our children and to take active measures to help when signs indicate that bullying is taking a toll on them.

Are you concerned that your child is being bullied?  What are the warning signs you’re noticing?

Maybe it’s the extra money your child came home with.  Or the fact that he’s losing his temper more often.  Does she deflect responsibility for her actions, especially if those actions are earning disciplinary consequences at school?  Children who bully often exhibit certain behaviors, and it’s important as parents to be able to identify the warning signs.

Bullying behavior isn’t just a phase children go through; it can mean that they’re beginning the path towards long-term behaviors that can damage their futures.  In fact, research has shown that socially, boys who were identified as bullies in middle school were over three times as likely to have multiple criminal convictions by their early 20s, and higher self-reports of drug and alcohol use (Olweus).  Research has also shown that bullies are more likely than their peers to be involved in other antisocial, violent, or troubling behavior, like fighting, vandalism, stealing, weapon-carrying, school drop-out, and poor school achievement (Olweus).  Immerging research points to long-term effects for society as well, since those who bully others are known to access public welfare systems, pass through the criminal justice system and generally contribute less productively to society over time. (Highmark Foundation, 2012.)

Even if your child seems relatively well-adjusted and does not exhibit any severe antisocial patterns, there is a fine line between assertive and aggressive behavior.  Our overall goal as parents should be to raise healthy children who contribute positively as adults. Think about how your child’s current behavior would be accepted in the work place when they’re older. Are you seeing any patterns that concern you?

Certainly the long-term risks warrant a conversation with your child. Be on the lookout for:

Bullying behavior at home: Are they physically or verbally bullying their siblings at home?

Friends who bully: Are their friends bullies?  Has your child recently joined a new social circle?  Learn more about those friends and how they treat others.

Discipline at school: Have they been sent to the principal’s office or received detention frequently?

Blaming others: Do they often blame others for their behavior?

Aggression: Have they become aggressive recently – at home or at school?

Exclusion: Do they exclude others?  Are they overly concerned with popularity or their reputation? Do they call other kids “weird” or “losers?”

Hurts Animals: Have they become aggressive with pets or animals?

Are you concerned that your child may be engaging in bullying behavior? What sort of warning signs are you noticing?