Often my presentations and writings have this same theme that when seniors have avoided making choices by doing nothing for their estate planning and distribution, they are actually making a decision with dire consequences. When working with seniors, I always recommend that they distribute their treasures personally now or in writing for distribution at death. When the gift is personally made, they have the satisfaction of seeing the joy on the face of the recipient and minimize fighting after they pass away.

Problems generate when the children or close relatives are burdened with dealing with the grief from the death of the senior, the pressure of dealing with the estate and the overwhelming task of disposing of the personal property. Children will often say, “Mom promised me that” or “No, Dad said I could have it.”   All of this could be avoided if distributed prior to one’s passing.  Seniors who recognize their own responsibility in this matter and make the decisions themselves are practicing the best defense against family quarrels or exploitation in any guise.

Thank you for joining me this week on DrGreene.com.  I hope this series of Blog posts has been helpful to you.  You can find more information in my book, The Boomer Burden – Dealing With Your Parent’s Lifetime Accumulation of Stuff. It is available on Amazon and all major booksellers.  In it I offer more practical, effective steps for dissolving the estate and distributing parents’ assets in a way that both honors them and promotes family harmony for generations to come. How to divide the estate peacefully, minimize fighting, clearing out the home, identifying items of value, having “that” conversation with your parents and dealing with your own stuff too.  It is a guide filled with trustworthy counsel and perfect to read with siblings as well as parents.    Coming soon to Sam’s Club in early September with a workbook!

Hiring a personal property appraiser may cost a little upfront, but should be considered an inexpensive insurance policy that you are not giving away items that are worth a fortune. It happens more than you know. The same is true for mom and dad if they would like to know the values ahead of time to help them decide what heirlooms should be given and what they are worth in order to keep their choices financially equitable among their heirs. This in turn will help minimize future fighting as well, because mom and dad have made their decisions and siblings should respect their choices. Ultimately, this issue is about honoring mom and dad’s final wishes, and has little to do with what we want. Sometimes our parents do not want to make these choices because they are afraid they will upset their children. And so, we have a continuing cycle that will not get broken unless someone changes the pattern.

In my work of helping seniors and their children by appraising the worth of their personal property or liquidating it, I see examples of unsavory human behavior during the process sometimes from family, friends, neighbors, and strangers. In dealing with a lifetime of accumulation, seniors are often at a vulnerable place in their lives and daunted by the task. Remember that the face of exploitation is often a familiar face and it can happen right under your own nose. This is when vultures appear driven by insensitive greed and persuasive powers. These unscrupulous mischief-makers could be stopped dead in their tracks if only the senior (and their children) had the knowledge of how much their personal property was worth and if they had proactively written down on a master list what they perceived to be treasurers – either sentimental or financial.

By writing down these items, then assigning the names to each item for distribution now or at their death, this act would be the most empowering act they could possibly do in addition to having an up-to-date will and other legal documents. This master list should be kept safely with the will.  Note:  Do not use stickers on the bottom of items.  Eventually, they fall off due to drying out and also some unscrupulous people will do the old “switch-a-roo.”

Have you noticed any of your belongings that a specific child in your family is particularly fond of?  Have you discussed that with your parents?  Is there any item in your parent’s belonging that you would cherish?

The biggest challenge is when the children walk into their parents’ homes feeling completely overwhelmed by the accumulation of “stuff.” Because this generation rarely threw anything away, the children are left to dissolve the estate often with consequences.

Among the myriad of bread twister ties, Cool Whip containers, pie tins and peanut butter jars, you will find accumulations that are amazing.  Paper and plastic abound, as do clothing items, collections, newspapers, magazines, catalogs and 50+ years of National Geographic.

But somewhere deep down in that accumulation are treasures, take it from one who has saved a $5,000 turn-of-the-century Louis Vuitton trunk from the dumpster or  $100,000 painting on its way to Good Will.    Most children do not know the truth worth of their parent’s home’s contents. What they believed to be of value, due to generations of family stories, is often inflated and inaccurate. By the same token, items the children feel are “junk” are often worth far more than they ever realized.

Such was the case when I recently walked through a home with the executor. There were a few laundry baskets piled high with stuff and I asked him what these baskets were. He simply replied that the items in the baskets were going to Goodwill because everything in them was “ugly.” It didn’t take me but a moment to recognize the extremely rare vases sitting on top of a pile. “This vase may be ugly to you, but it’s worth at least $25,000. Are you sure you want it to go to Goodwill now?” I said with a smile on my face. Several weeks later, both vases sold for nearly $60,000.. It pays to know what you have before you dispose of it in any manner. You just never know what you’re going to find!

Have you ever found a treasure in the belongings of someone who has passed away? What was it and what did you do with it?  Have you ever found a treasure at an estate sale?

Dealing with the infirmity or death of a parent is difficult.  If this requires the dispersing his or her belongings, the pain may be even greater and the matter becomes worse because mom and dad may not have discussed their final plans and wishes with their children. At times, both male and female children either do not know how to handle the situation, or in a form of denial, which places additional pressure eventually on the female child or spouse. This breakdown or lack of communication is what causes so many problems for the boomer children after their parents pass away. Our parents were known as the “silent generation,” and it is up to us, the children, to openly and lovingly communicate with our parents while they can still mentally and physically offer us directions if we are to avoid the many pitfalls that await the heirs.  But it must be done with love and compassion at all times.

Boomer children in general are often located far away from mom and dad and must travel extensively back and forth to handle the estate, take time off work and leave their own families to deal with it. Very often, the children fly into town and handle the estate in haste, and this is where problems occur.   Many a treasure has been found in the trash as these children work in haste to return to their normal lives.  For those families who have talked about end of life issues, and pre-planned for their passing, it becomes a much easier path for the loved ones left behind. For those who have not had any communication, the road will be quite challenging.  What the boomer children need is a map that will offer them guidance to make sound decisions.  This is what mom and dad should provide for them while they are still mentally and physically capable to assist their children through the daunting process.

It is awkward, to say the least, when we get to a place where mom and dad need our assistance and we are pushed into role reversal which we are not comfortable with. All our lives, they have parented us, and suddenly we are making decisions for them. I have often seen guilt and indecision follow a child when mom and dad have not prepared for themselves, because they are uncertain that the decisions they have made are the correct decisions.

There are two dynamics going on here:  1) The children don’t want to hear what mom and dad’s last wishes are and 2)  Mom and Dad don’t want to discuss it.  This is an exercise in futility.  What if a loved one is suddenly in a position of not making decisions for themselves – especially life and death decisions?  Would you know what your parents want?  Boomers, listen to you parents.   Parents, talk with your children.  It’s an inevitable issue and your children need your guidance.

Have you discussed end of life issues with your parents?  Was it as hard as you thought it would be or do you feel better now that you have discussed it?

Seventy-eight million Boomers are either going through it, getting ready to go through it, or are paralyzed by it.

When loved ones pass away or an elderly family member is infirm, it is an extremely stressful time for those left in the wake. The last thing anyone wants to think about is how to deal with the accumulation of “stuff” left behind. Every day approximately forty-eight hundred baby boomers become middle-aged orphans when their elderly parents pass away, leaving behind much more than just memories. And they are unprepared for the battles ahead.

There are many challenges that will come for the Boomer children, especially the female boomer. But one that comes as fast as a flying brick, is when a parent passes away and the children are left to handle all the details. Often these details include the will (if there is one and its location), finances, legal matters, bills, medical information, dealing with the home and its contents, etc.

To complicate the issue, the children must also deal with the division of estate contents, potential feuding among heirs and clearing out the family home. Unfortunately these details do not come with an instruction manual …

Have you faced loosing a parent? What was your experience of dealing with the details?