As we all know, life can be very generous in delivering challenges. A key component to true and lasting happiness is learning the skill of resilience, the ability to bounce back from challenging times. Unfortunately, the only way for your child to really learn resilience is to actually work through times of challenge, adversity, or loss.

To help your child successfully navigate his way through challenging times, you can arm him with the A–B Formula, a tool that will help when he is having a hard time with what he is feeling or doing. This tool is also a tangible way for children to deal with negative and limited views or beliefs about themselves—the inner judge or scorekeeper that’s inside all of our heads. Here’s how it breaks down:

The A-B Formula is “A” = Accept and “B”= Baby Step.

Accept

True acceptance of whom and where you are today is an absolutely critical step in being able to face challenges and is also key to building self-worth. Acceptance is the starting point for movement and growth.

There are three steps to accept.

• Be aware of where you are today
• Be kind and patient with yourself
• Take responsibility instead of blaming others

Baby Step

To move forward, a baby step helps ignite the momentum for change to happen. Taking a baby step that is appropriately challenging will build your confidence and motivation and will keep you moving in a positive direction.

There are two steps to a baby step.

• Take a step in the direction you want to go
• Make it a step you can handle today

The A–B Formula will help your child to see challenges in life as an opportunity to become stronger rather than something that’s unfair, overwhelming, or to be avoided. This new approach will not only build long-term resilience but will also boost her overall self-esteem, happiness and positive outlook on life.

In today’s world of point cards, smiley-face stickers, and candy rewards, children are learning to feel confident only when someone else rewards them for their accomplishments. If a child feels confident only when she is rewarded or when she wins or when she does better than someone else, she is basing her entire self-worth on outward circumstances. This kind of confidence is conditional and temporary.

True and lasting confidence, however, comes from within—from your quality of effort and from being the best you can be. You can empower your child to develop his confidence from the inside out, rather than looking to others for how he should feel about himself, by teaching him a tool called River Effort.

River Effort gives children a tangible inner gauge to become aware of and identify their quality of effort and then to self-regulate, if necessary. The tool uses the analogies of Ice, Puddle, and River, three different qualities of effort that children can easily visualize and relate to. Here’s how you can explain it to your child:

Ice Effort

• Trying too much
• Feeling stuck, pressured, or stressed

If you are using Ice Effort, you may be trying really hard to get it right or be perfect. You may be feeling pressure to be better than someone else or even just as good as someone else. Or you may be feeling anxious about not messing up or letting someone down. Regardless you are giving away your power by looking to others for how you should feel about yourself.

Puddle Effort

• Trying too little
• Feeling dull, lazy, or bored

You may use Puddle Effort when you think that your best won’t be good enough and could end in failure, so what’s the point of trying. Or if you do your best and it is good enough, you may fear that others will always expect that from you. Not wanting that kind of pressure, it’s easier not to try at all. Or you may be focusing on the fact that you are really bored or disinterested in whatever you are doing.

River Effort

• Putting your heart into what you are doing and giving it your all
• Feeling happy, confident, and fulfilled

Rivers are always flowing and moving around obstacles, they don’t get stuck, and they are always moving toward something greater. There’s no guarantee that if you are using River Effort you will win or be the best in comparison to someone else, but it will be your personal best and will be the most enjoyable and fulfilling for you. This will build your confidence from the inside out. Always remember – happiness and confidence comes from being your best, rather than being the best.

Being present, focused and aware is the starting point to happiness and greatness. However, we often spend too much time thinking about either the past or the future. When we think too much about the past, it can lead to depression. When we think too much about the future, it can lead to anxiety. Both interfere with you being able to feel and be your best.

Parents and teachers so often tell children to pay attention. But when they do, children often hear it as a command, annoyance or someone trying to control them. This kind of external motivation can lead to a resistance to focus. On the other hand, if children are equipped with a tool that empowers them to see, understand, and experience the benefits of focusing, they will be much more likely to choose to focus on their own.

A River Check-in is a tool with very tangible steps that can help your child focus, refocus and strengthen their attention span. To make it simple and easy to remember, the River Check-in asks children to follow a few steps to check and regulate their 3 Bs, namely Body, Breath, and Brain.

B #1 – Body Check

1. Spine: Long and strong. If your spine is long and strong, your muscles will be used most efficiently allowing more energy to be available to your brain for focus.
2. Muscles: Not too tight, not too loose but in the middle like a river. If your muscles are both strong and relaxed, your blood can flow freely and do its job by circulating oxygen and nutrients making you feel awake and alive.

B #2 – Breath Check

1. Ninja Breathing is one of the most powerful tools to learn and it’s used to calm and de-stress. It’s simply a slow deep inhale through the nose and a slow deep exhale through the mouth.
2. Fire Breathing gives a quick boost of energy. In Fire Breathing both the inhale and exhale are through the nose, and the breaths are quick, short, and sharp.
3. River Breathing is for maintaining a general feeling of focus and well-being. It is deep and even from the belly, and the breath is in and out through the nose. At the end of each inhale you feel more energy, and at the end of each exhale you feel more relaxation.

B # 3 – Brain Check

1. Focus on what you are doing using your brain. Ask yourself a few simple questions. Where is my attention right now? Where is the best place to be putting my attention right now? Can I make the choice to shift my attention?
2. Focus on what you are doing using your eyes. By keeping your eyes in the direction of your task or activity, your brain can better focus on the important information it needs.
3. Focus on what you are doing using your ears. Choosing to use your ears to focus on what need to be listening to instead of getting distracted by other noises will have a great impact on your ability to absorb and retain the information you need.

A River Check-in with the 3 Bs helps children to find a place of focus and emotional and mental balance. This ability to self-regulate and to return to a state of relaxed focus and presence will without doubt contribute to their ability to find their happiness from the inside out.

There’s no doubt that more than anything else, parents want their children to be healthy and happy. Yet studies have shown that today’s generation of children might be the first ever to live a shorter life than their parents’ generation, and remarkably children were significantly less anxious and depressed during the Great Depression and World War II than they are today.

Why are children more anxious and depressed today? The answer lies in what can be described as the American Happiness Formula: Look Good + Perform Well + Get Approval = Happiness. Society today has conditioned us to follow this formula and many of us strive very hard to perfect it, only to find that it never adds up to the happiness we are longing for. That’s because this formula is extrinsically based meaning we are looking for validation and approval from the outside in.

Because extrinsic goals are based on what other people think of us, we have much less control over achieving these types of goals than intrinsic goals, which are based on a person’s individual development. So when children believe they have little or no control over their fate, they become anxious, and when their anxiety and sense of helplessness becomes overwhelming, they become depressed.

Clearly children need to be redirected towards intrinsic goals so that they can find their confidence, self-worth and happiness from the inside out instead of the outside in. If we focus on intrinsic goals, we are looking to personal effort and progress—things we can control. Having a sense of control of our own lives can then lead to feelings of confidence, contentment and happiness. In fact, researchers have shown that those who are intrinsically motivated exhibit not only more interest, excitement, and confidence in their lives but also enhanced performance and higher levels of self-esteem and well-being.

So how do we teach our children to be intrinsically motivated and find their happiness from the inside out? This ageless quest for inner happiness can be boiled down to four essential life skills – focus, confidence, resilience and social intelligence. The first three develop a strong positive sense of self and the fourth develops strong, positive and healthy relationships with others.

Stay tuned for more information. Each day this week we’ll post about one of these four life skills with a practical, step-by-step tool that will give you kid-friendly language and a simple process to help your child find true and lasting happiness from the inside out.

Research has shown unequivocally that having strong, meaningful relationships contributes to our overall happiness, fulfillment, and well-being. Yet today children have many obstacles to healthy relationships. As we have seen, there is an epidemic of extrinsic motivation amongst our children causing them to believe their value and self-worth comes from the praise and recognition of others rather than from their own personal effort and fulfillment. Thus it’s easy to for children to see other people as either an impediment to their success or as the answer to it. Sadly, it’s quite common for children to see other people through the lens of the 3 Cs—Compare, Compete, or Control. All too often this is the very root of bullying.

In order to have fulfilling relationships, we must teach our children to connect with others on a deep emotional level. This can be accomplished through understanding, empathy, compassion, teamwork, and clear, honest communication. You can do this by teaching your child My Shoes, Your Shoes, Our Shoes. This tool develops social intelligence – the interpersonal and social skills your child needs for positive and healthy relationships. Here’s how you can explain it to your child:

My Shoes

My Shoes is learning to clearly and honestly express yourself because no one knows what it’s like to be you.

There are three steps to My Shoes.

• Express clearly your thoughts and feelings
• Explain instead of blame
• Speak instead of scream

Your Shoes

Your Shoes is about empathy and compassion. It’s about learning how to hear, understand, and care about the thoughts and feelings of others.

There are three steps to Your Shoes.

• Feel and understand what it’s like to be in the other person’s shoes
• Listen with your ears, eyes, and heart
• Open your mind and close your mouth

Our Shoes

Our Shoes is learning how to work together in a spirit of cooperation instead of competition. Looking for connections to other people instead of focusing on feeling separate or different.

There are two steps to Our Shoes.

• Respect each other’s feelings and opinions
• Work together to find a solution or understanding

We are not alone in this world and our social relationships have an enormous influence on our happiness and fulfillment in life. My Shoes, Your Shoes, Our Shoes will help your child to develop healthy relationships based on mutual acknowledgment, care and respect.