Children don’t usually tell us how they are feeling in a direct way especially about their worries. Instead, they say things out of context, give clues, and as they get older, test the waters to see how a topic might be received. This means we have to listen extra carefully and inquire, even when the day is moving fast. Consider this exchange between a son and his mother.

Son: “I want to quit Boy Scouts.”
Mom: “Okay, it’s up to you and fine with me if that’s what you want.”

Was there a missed opportunity to inquiry and learn? After all, her son had been a longtime Scout and it seemed to mean the world to him. Imagine if the conversation had gone like this:

Son: “I want to quit Boy Scouts.”
Mom: “Why honey?”
Son: “I don’t like it anymore.”
Mom: “What don’t you like about it?”
Son: “I don’t like the new Scout leader at all.”
Mom: “Can you tell me what you don’t like about him?”
Son: “I just don’t like him.”
Mom: “What do you mean?”
Son: “I thought he was my friend?”
Mom: “And then what happened?”
Son: “Well, he started touching me and I don’t like it.”
Mom: “Can you tell me more about that?”

You can see where I’m going with this. By steady and open inquiry, the mother would have learned that the new Scout leader was sexually abusing her son.

Here’s an example where the parent did listen very carefully. A father and his daughter were in the car and the daughter blurted out this statement

Sophie: “Daddy, I don’t want to play those games with Grandpa anymore.”
Dad: “What games, sweetie?”
Sophie: “Those tickling games.”
Dad: “Oh, tell me about the tickling games.”
Sophie: “He makes us tickle our private parts.”
Dad: “I’m so glad you told me, Sophie, and I will make sure those games stop. No one has the right to touch your private parts because you’re the boss of your body!”

Child sexual abusers have told us repeatedly that the biggest deterrent to child sexual abuse is a parent who listens—very carefully. For more examples and sample language for talking with children, see Off Limits: A Parent’s Guide to Keeping Kids Safe from Sexual Abuse.

Parents often ask me how to talk with children about sexual abuse prevention without scaring them. I recommend teaching kids prevention through body safety. Children provide us with teachable moments each and every day for reinforcing body-safety concepts in an age-appropriate, non-threatening way.

Just think about all the questions kids ask from “How does the baby get into the belly?” to “Why is my penis upside down?” Each one of these questions is an opportunity to teach your child about the human body, sexual development, and physical safety. The more age-appropriate information children have, the more confidence they have in maintaining boundaries and dealing with difficult situations.

Teachable Moments

Here are two examples of how to turn a child’s question into a teachable moment and reinforce a body-safety rule.

Child: “Daddy, is that your tail?”

Father: “No, sweetie, it’s not my tail; it’s my penis. Boys have a penis and girls have a vagina. Your vagina belongs to you and no one is allowed to touch your vagina except when we’re cleaning it in the tub or you’re at the doctor’s office. And remember your Mom or I will be with you at the doctor’s office.”

It’s good to reinforce body-safety rules. You don’t just teach “Look both ways before you cross” one time; you have to repeat it. The same is true with body-safety rules.

Question: “Mommy, why are you bleeding in the toilet?”

Answer: “Once a month a woman’s body gets ready to make a baby. When a baby is growing inside a woman’s uterus, the blood feeds the baby and helps it grow. When there’s not a baby growing, the blood comes out of her uterus and into the toilet. This is called a period. It’s normal and Mommy’s OK. When you’re a woman, you’ll have a period too.”

It’s normal to feel a little uncomfortable, but the more you teach body safety, the easier it gets. In your responses, be honest, positive, and brief. Check out Parenting Safe Children on Facebook where parents are discussing teachable moments.

While summer is in full swing, children will be starting or returning to school in no time. If you have not had a chance to screen your child’s school, preschool, daycare, or activity program for child sexual abuse prevention, there’s no time like the present.

We recommend inviting both the school director and teachers onto your prevention team, so you send a strong message that your child is “off limits.”

Talking with the Director
Just as you would talk with the director about curriculum, teachers, meals, and play safety, you have the right to ask about policies and practices that will help to keep your kids safe from sexual abuse. There have been far too many cases of sexual abuse in schools, to let this topic, however uncomfortable, be overlooked.

Ask the director about background checks for teachers, staff and even volunteers. Most sex offenders, however, are never actually caught so they don’t end up on the National Sex Offender Registry. This means it’s also important to ask bout reference checking and interviewing. Ideally, the director includes interview questions about the appropriate and inappropriate touch of children.

Also ask about a range of policies:

1. Adults spending along time with children
2. Appropriate and inappropriate touch of children by adults
3. Appropriate and inappropriate touch of children by other children
4. Diapering, toileting, and changing clothes

Policies, however, aren’t enough, so you might ask how practices are monitored. As you are talking with the director, listen to both words and tone. Look for open and forthcoming communication.

Touring the School
As you walk through the school, look at the physical layout and make sure there are no spaces where an adult could be alone with a child. All of the spaces where children study, play, and interact should be open and easily visible. Doors should have windows and bathrooms should not contain areas where children can be isolated. In preschool environments, pay close attention to diaper changing areas.

Meeting the Teacher
If you don’t have a chance to meet your child’s teacher before the first day of school, consider having a conversation with him or her about your child’s body-safety rules, so you can communicate that your child is “off limits.” It’s never too late to invite people onto your prevention team.

“I wanted to tell you that we have been teaching our son, Jamie, some body-safety rules. Perhaps you have heard him exclaim that he is the boss of his body! I also wanted to let you know that our son does not keep secrets. While we will encourage him to follow your safety rules, we have also told him that that if anyone asks him to do something that breaks one of his body-safety rules, he has permission to say ‘No’ and tell us right away.”

Training for Teachers, Staff, Parents & Children
The strongest child abuse prevention programs include regular education. At a minimum, look for annual staff training that covers myths and facts about sexual abuse, school policies, appropriate and inappropriate touch of children, and the warning signs that someone is abusing or being abused.

For more information about screening schools, feel free to download this free Back to School Screening Packet from Parenting Safe Children.

It is a parent’s responsibility to keep children safe by safe screening caregivers, but it is also useful to teach children how to deal with difficult situations should someone try to break a body-safety rule.

If Somebody Tries to Touch Your Private Parts, Say “No” or “Stop It.”
While it’s important to teach children to say “No” to anyone who tries to break a body-safety rule, it’s understandably difficult for children so speak up to an authority figure—particularly given that 90 percent of people who break body-safety rules are known and trusted by the child and the child’s parents.¹

For this reason, let children know repeatedly that they have your permission to say “No” if someone breaks a body-safety rule—no matter who it is. Also, remind children that if they cannot or do not say “No,” it is never their fault and you will never be mad.

If Someone Tries to Touch Your Private Parts, Try to Get Away and Tell
Children also need to be reminded that if something happens that makes them feel yucky, it is important to tell a trusted adult. Help children create a list of people they can talk to about concerns. Sometimes children don’t want to upset their parents so they may prefer to talk with someone else. Here’s some sample language:

“If someone tries to touch your private parts, try to get away from that person, and most importantly, tell someone else what happened, even if the person who tried to touch you tells you to keep it a secret.”

Let children know that even if they don’t tell right away, you won’t be angry and will always love them. If they didn’t tell when something first happened, they can tell you later.

Don’t Keep Secrets about Touching Private Parts
I also recommend teaching children the difference between secrets and surprises. Surprises, such as delighting Mom with breakfast in bed on her birthday, are fun and feel good. Secrets, on the other hand, make children feel uncomfortable or conflicted inside.

Implement a “No secrets” rule in your home and let children know, “Never keep secrets about someone touching your private parts. Always tell me (or any adult you trust) if someone tries to break your body-safety rules, especially if they tell you to keep a secret or say, ‘Don’t tell your parents.’”

Also let extended family and all caregivers know about your “no secret” rule so everyone is on your prevention team.

Ali: “Can I please have one more cookie.”
Grandma: “OK, sweetie, but let’s not tell your Dad.”
Mother: “Remember Mom, we don’t ask Ali to keep secrets about anything, even something as innocent as an extra cookie.”

One in three girls and one in seven boys are sexually abused.² Child sexual abusers groom children by testing out how likely the child is to keep a secret. The groomer begins with a seemingly innocent secret and then raises the stakes. If your child won’t keep a secret and adults interrupt “innocent” secrets from the start by speaking up, the groomer moves on.

^{1 http://www.apa.org/pi/families/resources/child-sexual-abuse.aspx
2 Briere, J., Eliot, D.M. Prevalence and Psychological Sequence of Self-Reported Childhood Physical and Sexual Abuse in General Population: Child Abuse and Neglect, 2003, 27 10.}

We teach children numerous rules for being safe, from blowing on hot soup and using the cross walk to wearing a seat belt and riding with a helmet. But what about personal body safety around touch, private parts, and boundaries?

It turns out that children who are knowledgeable about body-safety are not only more confident, but also less vulnerable to unwanted touch and even child sexual abuse.

With age-appropriate language, you can begin introducing body safety to children as young as one and two years old. The younger the child, either chronologically or developmentally, the more concrete the rule, but bottom line, by using age-appropriate language, you can instill confidence from a young age and empower children to be “the boss of their body!”

Body-Safety Rule #1
This first rule is about basic physical safety and privacy—and it starts by using the anatomically correct names for body parts.

“No one is allowed to touch your vagina (or penis) unless you need help cleaning it or your private parts are hurt or sick and the doctor or nurse needs to examine them.”

Parents have plenty of opportunities to knit body safety into daily interactions. Perhaps you are changing your son’s diaper:

“Mommy is going to clean your penis and testicles now. Remember, no one is allowed to touch your penis, unless you need help cleaning it, which is what I’m doing right now.”

It is perfectly normal for children to touch their own private parts, so depending on your values, for a slightly older child you may also wish to add:

“Since you’re the boss of your body, it’s always OK for you to touch and look at your own private parts, as long as you do it in private when no one else is around.”

Body-Safety Rule #2
The flip side of the first rule, kids also need to know that it’s “not OK” to touch someone else’s private parts.

Consider an interaction between a three and five year old who are playing in the tub and poking at each other’s private parts:

“I’m glad you’re having fun in the tub together, but let’s remember the body-safety rules: No one is allowed to touch your private parts and it’s not OK to touch someone else’s private parts. How about we make beards out soap?”

Body-Safety Rule #3
There has been a sharp rise in online child pornography, including live streaming. With this body-safety rule, you can teach children about photos, videos, and safety.

“No one is allowed to take pictures or videos of your private parts or show you pictures of naked people. And you’re not allowed to take pictures of other people’s private parts either.”

This body-safety rule is not meant to stop parents from taking photos of their children (even the cute bathtub photo), but rather to prevent someone using children for pornographic purposes.

Tomorrow I will share a couple of guidelines for teaching children what to do if someone tries to break one of their body-safety rules. Meanwhile, Test Your Knowledge about child sexual abuse.