Depression

If any of the below occur and you see these in your child (or in yourself, a spouse, or another relative), get professional help fast. Your pediatrician or family doctor can guide you.

• Inability to concentrate.
• Difficulty sleeping or sleeping excessively.
•   Loss of energy or interest.
•   Falling grades.
• They don’t want to do formerly fun things because nothing makes them feel happy.
• They ma write poetry about death or draw unhappy themes even of death in their art.
•   If they have been bullied or put down they may be particularly vulnerable.
•   If there has been a break up with a close friend or a romantic relationship.
•   Watch for depression or suicicde talk or writing.
•   If there is a family history of depression or bipolar disorder and they show changes in sleep patterns or moods or any of the above they will need help fast.

If they are being treated for the depression and not doing well they need further evaluation.

Despair

Before someone attempts suicide they fall into despair. Adults may be in despair for several days, weeks, even months. Teenagers get into despair very quickly in a matter of minutes when something bad happens. Suicide is a result of despair.

People feel so out of harmony with everything they know, which is a horrible feeling that death appears to be the only relief. It is a comforting idea, something that will give them a sense of harmony with ceasing to exist. However the problem is that despair contains a false belief that fools you that there is nothing more you can do to feel better. That is not true. The real truth about despair is that you can do something more to make life work, to go on living. It may be painful for you to move forward but despair simply means you are out of your ability to handle life with what you currently know in your life. Therefore you must create something more that works. Once you do the despair and the suicide urge goes away.

It is important to know this if you are a caregiver or someone around you appears to be getting into despair — a very dangerous condition which often leads to suicide or suicide attempts. Get help quickly for someone in this situation. If you feel despair yourself, fight off the false belief or despair that you can’t do anything to help. Instead realize you can do something. Take the risk even though you feel very uncertain to try something new. When you do the despair will go away.

If your children appear to be in despair and believe that there’s nothing more they can do tell help them find ways to make changes in their thinking and their lives. Let them know they need to do something that will work. Death is not the option. It is too permanent.

Most who despair are glad to be alive, soon after.

Losses from Divorce

If you are divorcing it is very important to sit down with your children, preferably both of you together, and later separately, and tell them these things repeatedly:

1. You are loved by both of us even though we will be apart. We each love you and will take care of you. You will be safe, loved and cared for in your life. It can be hard for you to get used to our living apart, but you will get used to it.
2. It is not your fault. Many times children feel it is their fault because they see parents angry and fighting and then start believing they caused it.
3. It is real. You have to accept that we are divorcing. You may not like it, but it is happening.
4. You must realize that though you will be taken care of and have time to be with each of us you cannot get us back together. Repeat this and that it is not their fault because children carry the fantasies it is their own fault and that their parents will get back together again.
5. Try and keep them from hearing each other complain about the divorced partner. It’s important not to go to your children with those conflicts. They will feel burdened and pressured by it. It can affect their relationships later.
6. When either of you is dating or planning on remarrying it is important to tell your children that these are your choices and that they cannot pick your mate for you. They will develop a relationship on their own with the new person.

Tell your children you will always be there with them to help them with their feelings, and to comfort them. Show them you mean what you say by your actions during the typically tumultuous time surrounding your divorce.

In my psychiatric practice I have seen over and over again how children blame themselves for their parents divorce. It really affects them. It is not their fault and this needs to be repeated to them, again and again.