Emma, who has just learned to crawl, moves across the room showing new skill and coordination. “Good girl!” exclaims her mother.

Jake comes home from third grade with an A on his math test. “You’re so smart,” says his dad, beaming with pride.

Chris missed hitting the ball every time it was thrown to him during his baseball game. “You’re a great baseball player,” his mom tells him encouragingly.

New studies show the praise these parents are giving may be doing more harm then good. We want so much to encourage our children that sometimes we just throw out praise unconsciously, lavishly and, even worse, undeservedly. We want our children to feel good about themselves; to believe that they can accomplish anything they put their minds to and to feel special.

A series of studies by Carol Dweck at Columbia University shows the negative effects of certain types of praise. In a study of fourth graders, Dweck gave a simple test to the students. When they finished they were given their scores and a single line of praise. Half were praised for their intelligence (“You must be smart at this”) and half were praised for their effort (“You must have worked really hard”). Then the students were given a choice between an easier and a more difficult puzzle for the second round. Of the children who were praised for their effort 90 percent chose the more difficult one whereas the majority of the children praised for intelligence chose the easy one forgoing the more challenging work.

In another study done by Dweck with fifth graders, the children were given a test designed for a much higher grade level and were expected to fail. The researchers found that students who had been praised for the effort assumed they simply hadn’t focused hard enough whereas the students praised for their intelligence assumed they weren’t really smart at all. When they were given a second round of tests the group praised for their effort improved by 30 percent and the group praised for intelligence actually did 20 percent worse than they had on the original test.

Dweck’s studies speak to the importance of parents focusing on process over outcome as well as the perils of praise. According to Dweck, “emphasizing effort gives a child a variable they can control. They come to see themselves as in control of their success.” She believes that labeling a child “smart” doesn’t prevent her from underperforming it actually may create it. Children who are given the “smart” label become so concerned with keeping that image that they are not willing to take a risk or experience failure which is so important to learning.

Me, Me, Me! There is rising concern from experts that all this unmerited praise is creating a generation of narcissists. A 2006 study that administered the Narcissistic Personality Inventory to more than 16,000 college students found that two-thirds had above average scores which is 30 percent higher than a similar sampling taken in 1982. When children who are accustomed to receiving praise and are rewarded constantly enter the work force they are in for a rude awakening. As a result they are likely to have trouble performing and ultimately keeping a job.

Praise That HelpsAll this research doesn’t mean that we should stop praising our kids altogether. To go to the opposite extreme can be just as detrimental. The key for parents is to give thoughtful praise which reflects awareness of your child’s accomplishments and efforts. I recommend parents endeavor to give their praise the following qualities:

1. Be specific.
2. Emphasize the effort, not the outcome.
3. Be genuine and believable.

Children need to have parents mirror positive yet accurate reflections of who they are. We owe it to our kids not to pay lip service to them by giving false compliments. Often parents resort to saying things they don’t believe to be true because they don’t want their child to feel bad; but an important part of developing resilience is coping with disappointment.

Intelligence experts estimate that only 20 percent of a person’s success is attributed to IQ but that as much as the entire remaining 80 percent may be a direct result of what has become known as EQ, or emotional intelligence. Psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer who are believed to have first coined the term “emotional intelligence,” define it as “a subset of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own and others, feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions.” People who have a high EQ exhibit the following:

• Impulse control
• Problem solving skills
• Empathy
• The ability to self soothe
• Delay gratification
• Self motivation
• Read other people’s emotional cues
• Self esteem
• Adaptability
• Resilience
• The ability to identify, express and understand feelings

The Benefits of High EQ

According to Lawrence Shapiro, PhD, the author of How to Raise a Child with a High EQ, “having a high EQ may be more important to success in life than a high IQ as measured by a standardized test of verbal and nonverbal cognitive intelligence.” Children who have high EQs achieve better academically, have fewer temper tantrums, are better problem solvers, are less impulsive, have better attention spans, are more motivated, healthier and are more well liked. The great news about EQ, it that parents are the greatest influencers of high EQ. Children learn most of their emotional lessons from their parents and there is a lot parents can do to increase their children’s EQ.

5 Things Parents Can Do to Increase EQ

1. Pay attention to your child’s cues, starting from birth. Studies show that infant’s whose caretakers don’t pay attention to their cues have difficulty developing the ability to regulate their emotions. If for example a mother with post partum depression is too depressed to respond to her child’s cues, that baby might give up on crying to communicate and instead become passive and disengaged. Without a parent’s help learning how to calm herself down, she may not learn effective calming skills.
2. Teach self calming skills. An anxious baby cannot take in social cues from those around him. An anxious child cannot learn in school or make friends. Children look to their parents to gain these soothing skills. It starts out with parents holding, rocking, talk to and singing to their child to help them calm down. As children get older the skills become more complex. When my daughter Quincy was about 18 months old she went through a period when she was waking up and having trouble calming herself back to sleep. Every night before she went to sleep I would talk to her about “The Plan.” I told her that when she had trouble sleeping that she should turn to her paci, her piggy (a stuffed animal) and her blanket. I made these suggestions based on things I had seen work for her previously. The plan became so ingrained that sometimes she would start to cry and the remind herself out loud, “paci, piggy, blanket.”
3. Help children understand and identify their emotions. For young children, intense emotions can be scary and overwhelming. Identifying and labeling emotions can normalize them and allow kids to identify these responses in others which helps develop empathy. Believe it or not, studies show that the act of labeling an emotion can have a soothing effect on the nervous system which allows kids to recover more quickly from upsetting event. According to John Gottman, PhD author of Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child, “This doesn’t mean telling kids how they ought to feel. It simply means helping them develop a vocabulary with which to express their emotions.”
4. Reduce television viewing. The average child spends 38 hours a week watching television. According to Shapiro, “it is passive time spent in front of the TV that stunts the growth of EQ skills.” Studies show that children who watch a lot of TV become more: desensitized to the pain and suffering of others, fearful, anxious and aggressive. Experts have found is that children who are frequently exposed to inappropriate images and messages are 11 times more likely to be disruptive, fight with family members, hit other kids, and destroy property. To make that statistic stand out even more, those same researchers claim that children who watched a lot of TV when they were eight years old are more likely to be arrested and prosecuted for criminal acts as adults than their peers who did not watch as much TV. To add insult to injury, all that tube time is time not spent interacting with peers, developing social skills, or problem solving.
5. Teach problem solving. The ability to solve problems is developed primarily from experience. Sometimes it is easier for parents to solve their child’s problem rather than teach them how to do it in their own. Children start to learn to problem solve in infancy. When my daughter Mendez was 9 months old we were sitting together while she played with a ball. The ball slipped out of her hands and rolled away from her, just outside of her reach. My first instinct was to solve the problem for her and hand her the ball. But I held back and allowed her to solve the problem for herself. She ultimately crawled over to the ball stretching in a way she never had before and proudly showed me the ball. As children become more verbal they tend to need their parents to brainstorm problem solving ideas with them. The keys for parents is sending the message that every problem has a solution and having the patience to help children find their own age-appropriate resolutions.

In a report issued by The Alliance for Childhood it was revealed that kindergarteners’ play time has greatly diminished. The study found that children spend four to six times as long being instructed and tested as they do in free play.

In the hopes of creating a smart child, many parents discount the importance of play. But play is crucial to developing minds. Studies show that play promotes problem solving, creativity, learning, attention span, language development, self-regulation, social skills, increases IQ and even helps children work through difficult life events. Play is the “work” of children.

Here are eight reasons parents need to fight for play in the schools and make sure their children have free play at home.

1. Play develops problem solving abilities. Researchers put a desirable toy in a clear box and told four and five year olds to get the toy out of the box without moving out of their chairs or leaning towards it. One group of kids was allowed to play with sticks and toys, while a second group was shown a solution to a problem but were not allowed to play and a third group did not get either opportunity. The children who were allowed to play did much better than either of the other two groups. They worked more eagerly and persistently and demonstrated better problem-solving abilities.
2. Children get to experiment with being in charge. Throughout their day kids are told what to do. During play children get to experience what it feels like to be in charge and gain a sense of mastery.
3. Play with other children helps social development. Play helps children learn important social skills like taking turns, collaboration, following rules, empathy, self-regulation, and impulse control.
4. Play helps children assimilate emotional experiences. Pretend play, in particular, helps children integrate emotional experiences they need to work through. It allows them to express the things that they may not be sophisticated enough to talk about with adults.
5. It improves concentration. Attention and concentration are learned skills. Play is one of the most natural enjoyable ways for a child to begin developing these skills. We have all seen a child so lost in play that they don’t even hear a parent calling her name. This focus is the same skill that one needs years later to write a term paper, listen to a lecture or perform a piano concerto.
6. Helps develop mathematical thinking. Because play teaches children about the relationships between things, it actually helps develop the type of reasoning that aids in mathematical performance. According to Professor Ranald Jerrell, an expert in development of mathematical thinking, “Experimental research on play shows a strong relationship between play, the growth of mathematical understanding, and improved mathematical performance.”
7. Play promotes language development. Play, especially dramatic play, requires children to use and be exposed to language. In a study of four-year-olds who frequently engaged in socio-dramatic play, researchers found that when compared to a non-socio-dramatic play group, these child exhibited an increase in the total number of words used, the length or their utterances, and the complexity of their speech.
8. The repetition of play creates neural pathways. Each time a child performs a play activity, like stacking blocks, the synapses  between brain cells are activated and over time the level of chemical needed to make that connection becomes less and less, making it easier to perform the task.

In a rush to give our children academic and intellectual advantages, misguided schools and parents are pushing children to focus on reading, writing and testing. This, however, comes at the detriment of play which is so crucial to their development.

In a study of academic preschools and traditional play-focused preschools, researcher Kathy Hirsh-Pasek found that there were no differences in the intellectual skills of the children in either group. She did, however, find that the children in the academic group were more anxious and less creative than the children in the other group.

Ever since 18 month old child prodigy Elizabeth Barrett read flashcards on The Today Show, parents have been asking me what they can do to help their children acquire similar skills and learn to love reading.

Experts say that most children learn to read between the ages of six and seven and it is not beneficial to try to push a child to read before then. In fact, recent research shows that, quite to the contrary, it can actually do more harm than good. One of the most damaging things you can do to affect your child’s relationship with books is to create pressure for her to read which can foster a negative association between your child and reading making her less likely to want to read.

There is, however, one simple and inexpensive thing you can do which will guarantee a positive difference in your child’s reading success and that is reading aloud to her, which parents can even start while their child is in utero. Not only does this help to create a healthy relationship between your child and reading, it is also an excellent bonding ritual which has other beneficial elements for both parent and child.

There are many benefits to reading to your child, most notably the positive association between reading and pleasure that can last a lifetime. The other positive effects apparent in children who are read to are:

• increased vocabulary
• greater acquisition of knowledge
• greater academic achievements
• pursuit and completion of higher levels of schooling
• better performance on comprehension tests
• better attitudes about reading
• better scores on tests of reading, writing, and speaking

The single best predictor of language acquisition is the number and quality of words a child is exposed to each day. Reading has the added benefit of exposing children to “rare words,” complex sentences, literary devices like alliteration and rhyming, descriptive language, and original synonyms and story conventions (i.e. “in a land far, far away”). According to Betty Bardige and Marilyn Segal, authors of Building Literacy with Love, “children who have lots of experience with books are likely to develop richer vocabularies and deeper understanding of the meanings, sounds, and uses of words than those with less literary experience. They are also likely to be familiar with the conventions of language and story form that they will encounter when they begin to read for themselves.”

Reading makes a world of difference in achievement. An international study of 150,000 fourth graders found that students who were read to at home often scored 30 points higher than those who were only read to “sometimes.” In a study done by the US Department of Education researchers found that children who were read to at least three times per week had significantly greater phonemic awareness when they entered kindergarten than children who were read to less often, and were also twice as likely to score in the top 25 percent in reading.

It Starts at Home

It is up to parents to create enthusiastic readers. Studies show that children who come from what researchers call a “print-rich environment” consistently score better in writing, reading and math skills than those from “print-poor environments.” Print, in this case, relates a wide variety of materials, including: books, magazines, newspapers and even comic books. When researchers examined 21 kindergarten classes to see who displayed high interest in reading and who showed low interest in reading it became clear that the home environment and parents’ reading habits are crucial factors. Of the high interest group, over 78 percent had mothers who read for leisure, 60 percent had fathers who read for leisure, the families had, on average, more than 80 books in their home, more than 98 percent of the kids were taken to the library and more than 76 percent were read to daily. This compared to the low interest group where only 28 percent of the mothers read for leisure, fewer than 16 percent of the fathers read for leisure, they averaged fewer than 32 books in the home, only 7 percent were taken to the library and fewer than 2 percent were read to daily.

An addition, book ownership is a significant factor in reading enthusiasm and achievement. According to Jim Trelease author of The Read Aloud-Hand Handbook children need to have books that they own, ones that they can put their name in and don’t have to share with siblings.  He also believes that as they get older they should be able to mark up books by writing in margins, highlighting and earmarking pages. This allows kids to learn new words, come back to passages that intrigue them and make the reading experience their own.

What Else You Can Do

Start reading to your child right away. Children, even infants, are never too young for a picture book. Understand that attention span is a learned process. Infant reading studies show that most infants average a three minute attention span. However, like exercising a muscle, those who are read to regularly can have an attention span as long as 30 minutes a day.

Take your child to the library. When children from “print poor” environments were taken to the library and given the opportunity to check out books, 96 percent of parents reported an increase in reading after the visit.

Let your child read in his bed or crib. 72.2 percent of children classified as “heavy readers” have parents who allow them to read in bed, compared to only 44.4 percent of those who were considered to be nonreaders. Start the habit early by allowing your infant or toddler to take board books into bed as soon as they show interest.

Be a role model. Children read more when they see other people reading. There is a direct correlation between how often children read for leisure and how often their parents do.

Create reading rituals. Create regular times in your children’s day when you read to her. My daughters look forward to hearing two books after every meal while they are still in their chairs. We started this started this ritual as soon as they were able to use a highchair. Many parents use nap or bedtime for a reading ritual.

Keep books on hand at all times. Bring books with you wherever you go: to the park, doctors’ appointments, play dates, relatives’ homes, etc. Keep them in the car, in the diaper bag, in your purse and any place else you can think of.

Read to your child regularly. A study of early readers, like Elizabeth Barrett, found that their parents not only read them books but also read package labels, street signs, billboards and other reading material that they encountered throughout the day.

Make writing utensils and paper readily available to your child. Early reading curiosity often comes in the form of scribbling, drawing, copying objects and letters of the alphabet.

Answer all your child’s questions. Satisfy your child’s curiosities even if the questions interrupt reading a great story.

Have book baskets throughout the house in places where they are accessible. Have these baskets in your children’s rooms, bathrooms, the kitchen, living room, and the car. A study of children who are most interested in reading found that they came from homes where books and printed materials were spread around the house, not just in one or two places.

Give your child a bed lamp. As soon as your child is old enough to read in bed get him a night light and allow him to stay up past his bedtime to read.

Point to the words as you are reading them. According to Trelease, the visual receptors in the brain outnumber the auditory receptors 30 to 1 and therefore the chances of a word being retained in our memory are 30 times greater if we see it instead of just hearing it. Also, it helps younger children to start to make the connection between letters and sounds.

Use books to help you deal with difficult situations. Children coping with the loss of a beloved pet can get solace from reading a book like The Tenth Good Thing about Barney. A toddler who is hitting a sibling can learn from Hands Are Not for Hitting.

Get books about topics that interest your kids. If you notice your toddler showing interest in birds, buy books about birds. If your child seems interested in fire engines get books about fire engines.

Always read the name of the author and illustrator. This helps children understand that people create books. It also gives them the opportunity to pursue other books by the same author if they like the book. With older children it is recommended that you help the author come to life by reading the dust jacket or even googling the author to learn a little something about him or her.

Have regular family reading time. During this time kids can read anything they want, even magazines or newspaper while the parents read, too. This should be a relaxed time and kids should not be quizzed about their reading. It can be as short and 10 minutes and as long as one hour, depending on the ages and concentration levels of your children.

Turn off the TV. Every minute that your child sits in front of the television is a minute he is not reading, playing, exercising, or being creative. Not only does TV viewing directly cut in to reading time, but once exposed to television and given the choice, most kids will pick television over books. Keep in mind that the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends no television viewing prior to the age of two and suggests that parents limit their children’s viewing to fewer than 10 hours a week. This makes sense since an international study of 87,025 children in four countries found that children who view more than 10 hours of television in one week experienced a proportional decline in their academic scores.

Making a difference in the world and helping others are the best inoculations against poor self esteem for children. Having a sense of purpose, knowing that you can influence others and give back, creates a sense of self efficacy that leads to great self esteem. Performing meaningful activities decreases boredom, isolation, self-centeredness as well as materialism.

Don’t Wait, Start Now! When most parents think about teaching their children to give back, they tend to think about teens or even elementary school kids. But as Oprah Winfrey said recently, “You are never too young to make a big difference in somebody’s life.” Teaching very young children to give back can start as soon as they are verbal and can hold a crayon to paper.

By teaching this lesson to children as young as two or three years old, you help them develop the habit of giving and helping others therefore allowing this way of thinking and behaving to become more deeply ingrained. Once begun, this practice can carry on through childhood, through the notoriously narcissistic teen years and on through adulthood thus making a difference not only in the world but also in your home.

Helping Others Scrapbook When my children were two years old, I started a “Helping Others” scrapbook with my daughters Quincy and Mendez. I have gone out of my way to find age appropriate opportunities for them to be charitable with their time, art work, hands, and even money. The scrapbook serves to memorialize these deeds thereby allowing them the opportunity to look back on all the kind things they have done to help others that they can feel good about. Also, this allows them to revisit these generous deeds as their developmental ability to understand what they have done increases.

Great Ways for 2-5 Year Olds to Give Back

These are some of the projects that we have done or will be doing. I invite you try some of these at home.

Make a card for a very ill child. Young children love making artwork and now their art can help make a sick child happy. My favorite website is www.MakeaChildSmile.com which features children with chronic or life-threatening illnesses. The site has profiles of children which include their ages, interests, and information about their family so your family can send cards to siblings and parents as well. Many of the families have websites where you can get updates about how their child is doing. The site also includes tips about writing letters to sick kids, for example, you never want to say “get better soon” to a terminally ill child.

Adopt an endangered animal. Let your child pick the list of 24 photographs of endangered animals on www.Defenders.org. When you send in a donation in his or her name your child can receive a personalized certificate, photo of the animal, activity book, fact sheet, and plush toy of the animal they helped. This is a great opportunity to talk about being kind to animals and taking care of the environment.

Collect food for a food pantry. Most service kitchens don’t let children under the age of five serve food or help out in the kitchen but younger children can help collect goods to donate. You can use a conversation with your children about people who are less fortunate as a segue to look through your kitchen cabinets or take a trip to the market together to find food to donate. If you contact a local food bank like www.LAFoodBank.org you can get a food collection barrel so you can have a food drive of your own.

Sponsor a child. There are many organizations that allow you to sponsor a child. My favorite is www.HalftheSky.org which provides nurturing programs to help prevent attachment disorders for children in orphanages all throughout China. When you and your child donate money you receive a certificate with a child’s photo, name, and date of birth in the mail along with periodic reports about the sponsored child’s progress.

Bring some baked goods to your local firefighters. This is a fun project to do with little ones who always love making things in the kitchen. It is also an opportunity to talk to your kids about people who help keep us safe and giving back to the community. Just make sure you call your local fire station to make sure they are open to visitors.

Plant a tree. According to the organization www.TreesWaterPeople.org, ten trees are cut down for every one that is replanted. Because trees store carbon dioxide and produce oxygen, this endangers the health of people as well as the planet. Their website has a calculator that can help you figure out how many trees you use per year so you can plant accordingly or sponsor seedlings to be planted. But for a great hands-on experience with your kids, get a tree planting kit from Trees for the Future at www.TreeFTF.org or join the Arbor Day Foundation at www.ArborDay.org and get 10 free trees to plant that will grow well where you live.

Rescue a dog or cat. If you don’t have the ability to take in a rescued animal, make a donation to an animal rescue like the Lange Foundation at www.LangeFoundation.com. Your child can pick a cat or a dog to rescue and, for a donation, your child will receive a photo of the dog or cat along with a story about the animal. The money will go to cover shelter, medical expenses and boarding. Hopefully, that donation will help find the animal a home, too.

Finding new service projects that are appropriate for very young children, is fun and challenging. Raising kids who know they can make a difference in the world is a tremendous gift for everyone.